36. Scare
I was back in the woods, beside the rocky outcrop where I'd spent the night. Only this time I wasn't alone. John was looming ominously over me but something had frozen me in place so I couldn't escape, all I could do was stare up at that hate filled face.
"I told you the rules! You know what the punishment is!" He yelled angrily before pulling the blood covered knife out of his pocket and brandishing it in the air.
"Please! Please, Jack needs me!" I begged but he lunged forward and thrust the knife into my stomach. Fire seemed to radiate out from the metal blade until it was all consuming. He pulled the knife out before repeatedly plunging it back in. "Help me! SPENCER HELP ME!"
"Spencer!" I woke screaming with someone shaking me. I stared up at John and screamed. He was back. He was here and he was going to kill me. Where was Spencer, he'd promised to protect me. I launched myself at John, not prepared to go out without a fight.
"GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!" I screamed, but John was looming over me with that bloodied knife. I wrestled my hands out of his grasp and struck out at his face only to cause a familiar cry of pain which bought me out of the forest. For the first time I saw Spencer in front of me and what I saw made me feel sick; I must have caught the corner of his eye as blood was trickling down he face. I scrambled away from him to curl up on the other side of the room, afraid that I'd hurt him some more.
"Marley, Marley it's ok." Spencer tried to come closer to me, his arms opened and his eyes full of forgiveness: it sickened me. Spencer, however was not safe from the violence yet as he was suddenly pulled backwards until he landed with a loud thump on the floor.
"Get away from her!" Jack Hotchner yelled as he ran towards me and curled up on chest. "No one hurts Marley."
"Jack, Jack its ok. It was a bad dream, Spencer didn't hurt me." I kissed my protector's head and rocked him slightly as Spencer pulled himself to his feet but had the sense to remain on the other side of the room. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."
"He hurt you! I heard you shouting! I don't like him." Jack glared at Spencer as he cuddled close to me.
"Jack what on Earth's going on?" Aaron appeared in the doorway yawning tiredly as he took in the scene in front of him.
"Spencer hurt Marley! He hurt her! Get him out!" Jack yelled indignantly.
"Jack I'm sure he wouldn't…"
"Jack, Baby boy, I promise it was only a dream. Like the ones you have sometimes, when you need a cuddle?"
"Do you want a cuddle?" He asked and I nodded timidly, desperate for some comfort. He wrapped his thin arms around me and I copied his action, probably a bit too tightly then I should have.
"Come on Jack, let's get you back to bed." I pulled him into my arms and carried him across the hall, glad to have the distraction to get away from the concerned faces of Aaron and Spencer. By the time I'd laid Jack back in his bed my chest was on fire from the weight of his body, I hadn't been out of hospital long and I was meant to be resting but cuddling my kid close made me feel safe. I sat on the edge of the bed with him and gently stroked his hair as I sung his favourite song quietly; I'd never sung it to John, I hadn't wanted him to pollute our song. He'd taken so much else.
"You'll be here when I wake up, right?" Jack asked timidly as I kissed his head; he'd asked me every night since I'd got back from hospital.
"Of course baby, we can have pancakes." I promised him as I sat stroking his hair. I could remember the moment I'd seen him after spending nearly three weeks in hospital; I'd spoken to him several times while I was in hospital, the first time I'd heard that quiet little voice I'd sobbed uncontrollably and Aaron had had to take the phone while I composed myself. But it wasn't the same as actually holding him in my arms which was why I could barely sit still as Aaron had driven me back home (I wasn't allowed to fly yet because of my injuries). It had been the best moment of my life when, as we'd been walking down the hallway, the door burst open and Jack leapt into the corridor with the biggest grin on his face.
"MARLEY!" He screamed ecstatically before racing as fast as his little legs had carried him towards us. In that moment I didn't care that I was recovering from major surgery and the doctor had told me I needed to relax and stay lying down, instead I bent down and opened my arms for him to race into. His body collided with mine and my ribs instantly protested the action but I couldn't care less; for the first time in so long I felt complete.
"I love you baby." I buried my face in his silky hair and clutched his body close. I was home.
Well I'd thought I'd been.
I stayed long after Jack had fallen back to sleep, not wanting to face the concern of Aaron and Spencer. I'd felt so guilty about hurting Spencer, I'd lashed out before when I had my daily nightmares but I'd never drawn blood before. I felt guilt settle like a lead weight in my stomach as I entered my room; Aaron was nowhere to be seen but Spencer was sat on the bed waiting for me. He smiled kindly at me as I walked in but my eyes were drawn to the scab that was forming at the corner of his eyelid.
"It's okay Marls, I understand." His words made me lip wobble and tears blurred my vision as I made my way over to the window and leaned against the window pane.
"Please go, Spence. I can't do this anymore." I whimpered the last word as tears began falling down my face.
"Talk to me Marley." Spencer begged from where he was sat on my bed but I kept my head firmly turned away from him, leaning against the cool glass as I watched the rain fall lazily down the window pane.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Whatever's on your mind. We're worried about you."
"Trust me, you don't want to know what's in my mind." I turned slightly so I could see his eyes filled with pity. "You know when Aaron used to come home from a case; I'd ask if you saved the victim and if he said yes then I'd feel happy. I didn't realise that it didn't matter whether you saved them or not because they lost their lives whatever. I lost my life."
"Marley I know, believe me I know, how difficult it is to come back from something like this but you're alive. That does matter." He stood up and wrapped his arms around me but I shrugged him off. "It just feels like I've been cheated. All the time I was with John I just kept telling myself that I'd get home soon; back to Jack, back to Aaron, back to you, and everything would be alright. But it's not. At first I thought that it was everyone else acting weirdly and I thought that once I settled back in then everything would be alright. But then I realised, it was me that was different. Everything else is the same but it's me that's changed. I've changed and I can't fit back into my old life and it's not fair." I snapped, allowing the supressed anger that had been building out to finally explode out at Spencer.
"I know, I know darling." He tried to pull me into his arms but once again I pushed him away. I knew I was being a complete cow but I was just so angry. It wasn't fair, I'd nearly died and the only thing that had kept me going was the thought of home. But it didn't feel like home any more, we were all pretending that everything was back to normal but we all knew that it was lie.
"I don't know what to do to make it better. I'm starting to realise that I can't go back to my old life and I don't know what to!" I turned away from him and bit down on my lip to keep from letting out a wail as tears flowed faster down my cheeks.
"I know, I know you can't go back. You've evolved but eventually you'll be able to move forwards. Have you thought about going to see that councillor that H… Aaron suggested?" I glowered at him but I knew it was probably the best suggestion I'd heard.
"I'm sorry; you never signed up for this." I sighed and leaned back against the wall, keeping a decent length of space between us. "You should go."
"I love you, I'm not…"
"That's what you don't understand! I'm not her! Spence, I'm not the girl you fell in love with. I've changed."
"Do you love me?"
"That's not the point." I whispered, unable to look him in the eyes.
"It is!"
"Of course I do! But what matters here is you, I'm giving you the chance to walk away." I turned away, unable to watch the most important person in my life walk away but I couldn't let him stay here while I self-destructed.
"Marley, look at me." His soft fingers tugged at my chin to make me look into those hypnotic hazel eyes. "I am never going to leave you; whatever it takes we will get through this. Now please can I hold you?" I nodded and sniffed as I felt myself enveloped in a warm embrace. I buried my head in his chest as I continued to cry angry, bitter tears. Spencer kissed my head and rubbed my back soothingly as he gently pulled me towards the bed where we lay together staring up at my family collage in the soft light from my bedside light; I couldn't stand the dark anymore. I stared at the smiling faces of my brother and it made me feel a little bit better; my Dad had stayed for several days after I'd gotten out of hospital but his boss was getting tetchy and the last thing I'd needed was my Dad losing his job so he'd taken my brother home with the promise of coming back as soon as he could.
"I never meant to hit you; I thought it was him I promise." I gently kissed the wound I'd created while Spencer rubbed my back.
"I know Marls its fine… I know what it's like, Marley. How hard it is to get back. After Hankel…"
"You don't have to tell me." I whispered quietly, moving so I could stroke his hair away from his face.
"It's okay, I want to… When I got back after the case I, I continued taking Dilaudid. I spent a few months using but eventually I managed to pull myself together. I still get cravings sometimes, when things are bad but I've worked through it. You'll be fine too, you're much stronger than me." He kissed my head while I tried to take on board this new information. It didn't change anything that I felt about him; I understood what it was like to need an escape. I'd contemplated much worse since my return.
"Did Aaron know?"
"I never explicitly told him… but he knew. He should have fired me but he kept it quiet, the while team did. That's why you can trust him to help you through this."
"I guess I didn't do much to help your cravings the last few weeks."
"No," He snorted gently "but you're here now." He kissed my head while I burrowed down into the crook of his neck; I felt safe there. I felt wide awake despite the fact I hadn't had a good night's sleep since I'd come out of the coma; I'd been offered sleeping tablets but I refused them. I was petrified that they wouldn't keep the nightmares at bay but instead I'd be trapped with John again, unable to wake up just being stabbed repeatedly with no hope of escape. I shivered at the idea.
"I love you." I kissed his collar bone and squeezed him tightly. I wanted to turn the clock back to Halloween night but all I could do was reminisce over how perfect my life had been.
"We'll survive this, Marley. I promise."
I nodded but kept my eyes wide open, scared that John was waiting on the edge of my consciousness to snare me all over again.