Hello my dear readers! I am finally done with my dreaded exam, and can focus more on writing my stories for a while. My next and finale exam is in May, so I can breathe with lowered shoulders and dare to look away from my books to be more in here, with my excited and faithful readers, and to admire other authors' amazing writing. Thank you for being so patient with me!
Thank you for all your wonderful reviews after my last chapter - it was quite daunting to upload that chapter, so the positive feedback really calmed me down.
You should know I let Sam be an ex-Warbler because of something he says in canon: When Quinn and he is on their date at Breadstix, she wonders if his impressions work on the girls where he came from, and he says he wouldn't know, as he's been to an all boys' school. I just knew I had to give him a Dalton history. I hope you won't hate me for what I do to him in this chapter, though... It's not necessarily deviating from canon, but it's interpreting freely...
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to let me know; I love talking with my readers!
Warning: I haven't seen all episodes of season 4 yet, so no spoilers, please!
And let me congratulate you with The International Woman's Day!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
The sleeping pills are at the same time both a curse and a blessing. Unlike the brand he tried at the ward in Bellefontaine, these pills make him sleep soundly, without any kind of nightmares or interruptions. He sleeps deeply, and it both troubles and comforts Kurt. It's not like he minds getting decent nights of sleep, knowing his body desperately needs the rest to recharge its worn batteries. But it bothers him that he's sleeping as deeply as he is. It takes away some of his control, he's used to wakening up if something happens around him. He still doesn't feel safe or comfortable at Dalton, and he'd like to be better able to take care of himself by being aware of his surroundings.
Luckily, Jeff had no objections when Kurt hesitantly asked if it was okay to keep their door locked during night, without any explanations. He's not sure where he stands with Jeff, but the boy seems friendly and fairly harmless, although sometimes a bit eager and impulsive in his actions. Kurt sometimes has the need to grab the boy by his shoulders and yell at him to stop and think!
He doesn't, obviously.
Another thing Kurt far from enjoys with the pills, is how they make him feel the next day. After the disastrous party back home, he knows pretty well how it feels to be hung over. The pills give some of the same effect, but without all the fun prior. A muffled headache seems to be churning in the back of his head for several hours before letting go, and he wakes up with sand paper for mouth, almost heaving for air. With the headache, comes also an odd sensation of weighing around 450 pounds and feet made of lead. The product leaflet says these things are normal, and sometimes you need an adjustment period before the side effects disappear.
It's not much of a comfort, when it's annoying and bothering Kurt now. He doesn't care about next week or next month, when he has to cope with this moment. And he knows he isn't fairing very well with this, being all grumpy and short tempered in the morning, and pretty much up until lunch. He tries to stay away from people to avoid snapping at them, because yeah – that would be all kinds of awkward. Look at the new kid, Mr. Temper Tantrum! Mr. Hissy Fit, the latest addition to the fine young men at the prestigious school Dalton Academy.
So not gonna happen.
If he seems to act as if Blaine can infect him with the plague should they make eye contact; that may be true. Kurt still needs to shake off what they did after the party, and even though it was unbelievably good – and hot – there and then, things are more awkward in a sober daylight. Luckily, Blaine seems to thrive on routines, so it's easy to stay away from his most predictable patterns during the day. With the morning sickness, non-alcoholic hangover or whatever he should call the side effects of his sleeping pills; breakfast really isn't something he can stomach. He lets Jeff finish in their bathroom, and then spends a decent amount of time getting ready for class. A long shower with scolding and freezing water to wake up, a round of concealer to hide some of the greenish taint he thinks is pestering his hue, perfecting his hair, fixing his tie twice – anything to make sure he looks more put together than he feels. It's also an efficient way to kill some time. He's tried simply sleeping longer, but it's as if the pills stop working after seven hours, prompting him to get up and greet the new day.
As Blaine is still a Junior, they don't share any classes, and it's easy to avoid the boy. With Kurt's limited schedule, he doesn't have to spend a lot of time in the buildings where classes are given either, and instead works on his homework in the library or in his room. By the time lunch is served, his stomach feels more ready to digest anything, and he makes sure to eat in due time before Blaine is out of class.
Blaine will come by his room sometimes after his last class, but quickly leaves when he notices how elusive and hesitant Kurt is to anything social or conversational. He may be cowardice, but despite how rested his body feels, he still feels mentally exhausted, and he can't deal with people right now. He's got more than enough with himself. He knows he promised Blaine they'd always be friends. He just needs some time to… friend zone him, and forget how it feels to kiss, to touch, to smell, to feel, to come.
Blaine tries to not take it personally, but it's difficult not to. For some reason Kurt's decided that Blaine doesn't exist, and if he hadn't asked Jeff, he'd have reason to believe that Kurt wasn't even at Dalton anymore.
They haven't exchanged a word since Blaine drove them back to school late Sunday evening, after nursing their hangovers and cleaning up after the party. Blaine doesn't even think he's seen Kurt in the hallways or in the common's room.
He really tries not to take it personally, but he just doesn't understand what happened or what he did wrong. Things seemed almost normal on Sunday morning, but Blaine's beginning to suspect it was a charade born out of necessity, considering they had to drive back to school together.
Wes is pretty much the best friend Blaine could have if he'd created him on his own, and quickly notices Blaine's off. He doesn't immediately pry, but is his usual calm and reassuring self. Wes and David both make sure to take care of Blaine, keeping him busy and not giving him much chance to drown himself in thoughts that'll only give him anxiety attacks or a new depression spell. Sometimes, Blaine is his own worst enemy, perfectly able to make himself sicker without noticing.
Luckily, Wes and David know him and know what signals to look for, and are there for him. He hardly spends a minute alone, and maybe it should feel like condescending baby sitting, but to Blaine it feels like comfort and love. When everything and anything is so overwhelming, it feels good to let someone else take control and help him for a while. Blaine isn't the best at asking for help, but he's really good at accepting it when it's being offered. And Blaine has the best best friends.
They keep him busy. They spend every single meal with him, engaging him in silly conversation, but there's always room for the serious and heavy topics if Blaine needs it. They make sure to walk him to classes, sitting by his side, not giving him any chance to let his mind wander between classes. Blaine is a proud, hard working student, so classes are a blessing – they give him something to pay attention to. Wes and David make sure he joins every single Warblers rehearsal that week, and they even forgo the preparations for Regionals, and instead fool around with a number just for the fun of it, where Blaine can melt his voice with the harmonies and focus on the dance steps. If there's any time left in the evenings after homework's been done and double checked, they pull out the chess board and host speed tournaments within the trio, keeping the pace so fast Blaine can hardly blink between the moves, and most certainly not dive into his own mind and the dark thoughts there.
The crucial moments are in bed just before he falls asleep and next morning when he stands silently in the shower. That's when the thoughts that are able to pinch his heart and muffle his brain manage to escape from the vault he tries to keep locked in the back of his skull.
So far, though, Wes – and sometimes David – have been able to put him back together again during breakfast.
It's Wednesday when Wes finally addresses the pink elephant. They're both in bed, in their PJs, with reading glasses on their noses and books in their laps. Blaine's reading a tattered phone book from 1992 he found in Warblers' storage room one day. It's soothing to see all the names in alphabetical order; in contrast to how chaotic and out of control he feels himself. It's also reassuring to read something that can't swipe away with his mind and hijack him to a scary place where destructive thoughts tempt him.
"What happened between Kurt and you?" Wes asks nonchalantly, pretending to be deeply engrossed in part four of Douglas Adams' trilogy The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Blaine lowers the book onto his lap, keeping his index finger on the third Davis, Samuel L from the bottom.
"I'm not sure," he admits, talking to David Boreanaz. He'd decided to keep the poster from the boys. It wasn't the worst thing to have glued to his ceiling whenever he couldn't sleep. He'd have to follow up Kurt's suggestion to return the favour the next time he went shopping, though.
He's certain Wes' question is purely platonic. He doesn't know Kurt's gay, and for once in his life Blaine's opted out of gushing about his crush. Usually Wes would know all about Blaine's infatuations, at least the few and brief he's experienced while at Dalton. And likewise, Blaine knows everything about Wes' female preferences.
"He hasn't got any issues with you being gay, has he?" Wes asks carefully, preparing to slip into Protective Mode 2.0
"No," Blaine laughs honestly. "He's known for a while I'm gay."
Wes had already tried to find out how Kurt and Blaine knew each other, and Blaine had just shook his head, and said it wasn't his story to tell. Maybe he'd revealed more than he'd like by saying that, but Wes had dropped the issue immediately, and hadn't looked as if he even tried to connect the dots. You could say a lot about Wes' control freak issues with the Warblers, but he didn't pursue gossip and people's private business.
"Okay," Wes says, leaning back on his pillows again. "But something happened at that party."
"Oh, you'll never guess who I ran into back then," Blaine exclaims, and he knows it's a diversion, but Wes doesn't call him out on it.
"David Boreanaz?"
"Sadly, no," Blaine chuckles.
"The love of my life?"
"And who would that be?"
"Someone with boobs and personality, humour, a pretty smile, and hopefully no ring within a mile's distance," he answers ruefully
Blaine smiles sadly, thinking about the girl Wes had pursued during the entire Christmas break; a friend of the neighbour's daughter who visited. After almost a week, he discovered she was in fact engaged, but wore the ring as a necklace because of cold eczema on her hands.
"There were girls at the party, but I think most of them were taken," he says, and a cold shiver runs down his spine as he remembers how Rachel had been blatantly hitting on him, making him feel crowded and uncomfortable.
"Any cute boys for you, then?"
"Well, I'd say he's pretty cute, but he also seemed to be pretty into one of the girls. Mighty impressive mojo, considering he's been to an all boys' school for so long," Blaine grins.
"An all boys' what? Do I know him?" Wes asks eagerly, sitting up in bed.
"For 500 dollars, in the category Warblers We Love: He left suddenly and unexplainably a year ago, and is now attending McKinley High."
"Who is fucking Warbler-Sam!" Wes yells, jumping out of bed.
"It looked as if it might be Mercedes, but I believe he goes under the name Sam Evans now," Blaine chuckles. He bends over to rummage through the stack of board games under his bed, and finds what he's looking for. He makes a paper airplane of the 500 Monopoly-dollars note and sends it over to Wes.
Wes unfolds the note, kisses it, before crumbling it and throwing it in the air as he jumps into Blaine's bed.
"How is our little boy? Tell me everything!" he pleads, getting comfortable next to Blaine with his head on the boy's chest.
Even though two thirds of the Council suggested this week's detour to include Blaine and offer him a distraction, there are no doubt the Warblers all profit from it. Sebastian is on fire, suggesting both the song and choreography they can challenge themselves with. He also challenges their usual leads, and has during the week given a solid audition to the Council for that position, and the Council members have already been seen with their heads close discussing numbers for their set list at Regionals.
After drilling harmonies, choreography, beat boxing and pitch, they're finally ready for the first real run through of the song. Blaine is always integrated seamlessly among the boys, as if there's a spot just waiting for him to fill. He easily admits he has a lot of fun, and enjoys goofing around with the boys. But he doesn't feel ready to perform in front of an audience, and luckily his friends respect that and have stopped bugging him about joining.
They begin making the saxophone sounding backbeat, and Sebastian steps in front, ready to charge on the vocals.
You make me this, Bring me up, Bring me down, Play it sweet, Make me move like a freak - Mr. Saxobeat, he sings, sauntering around in the room.
As he begins singing, the other boys engage in the choreography Sebastian suggested and helped them develop. They've moved far from the gentle side steps, and are doing intricate moves in a rapid pace. It's a pretty sexy routine, but why not with a song like this?
Oh, yeah, mmm yeah, mmm yeah, mmm yeah... they sing, stepping up in front of their "stage", and Sebastian rests in the back, catching his breath after the vigorous dance and intense singing.
The bridge is crossed, and as planned the Warblers divide like The Read Sea did for Moses, and Sebastian slides through the gap on his knees. As soon as he's in front of them he jumps up on his feet, and smirkingly dances towards Blaine.
Hey, sexy boy, set me free, don't be so shy, play with me. My dirty boy, can't you see that you belong next to me?
Blaine blushes and chuckles through the moves, smiling shyly at Sebastian, but focuses on getting through with his voice and moves. Stage presence is an admirable trait, and he guesses it's safe to play out the lyrics against him, as he's gay. But Blaine's pretty sure Sebastian could act like this with any of the Warblers, and they wouldn't mind. Sebastian's still a very new addition to the Warblers, but even though Blaine isn't more than an honorary member, he knows his friends and the guys.
They end the song on an all time high, cheering and congratulating each other with an awesome performance. Wes seems to be rubbing a finger surreptitiously along his eye, and Sebastian is drowning in a pile of hugging Warblers.
Thad dismisses them, and Blaine collects the sheet music from his satchel to return to the Council.
"I didn't know you could sing that well," Sebastian gushes, approaching Blaine.
He stops too close, and Blaine discreetly takes a step back, pretending to be packing his leather book bag and increasing his free, personal space.
"I hardly believe you were able to hear much," he smiles politely.
"With a voice like yours? I'd recognize it among dozens," Sebastian grins. "I don't understand why you won't join, though, you'd be a valuable asset. And it would be nice to have someone cute to serenade," he winks.
"Oh, I don't know about that," Blaine scratches the back of his neck, looking at his shoes.
Sebastian sits down on the armrest on one of the deep leather couches, and tilts his head, looking at Blaine.
"Wanna get out of here, and get to know each other better?" Sebastian wiggles his eyebrows.
"Umm, thank you for the offer, but I have some biology I need to get done by tomorrow," Blaine apologizes, not quite sure how he should interpret Sebastian's invitation.
"Biology," the other boy snorts, shaking his head in amusement.
"Are you ready to go?" Wes asks from the Council's desk, and Blaine is surprised to recognize a feeling of relief as he bids Sebastian goodbye. He usually mixes well with most people, and as Wes once teasingly called him is a people pleaser, used to figuring out what the other person wants and adjusts to accommodate for smooth interactions. But there's something about Sebastian that rubs him the wrong way, he can't deal with his aggressive approaches.
"What do you mean, when you say you want to be a swan?" Christy asks, interrupting Kurt's steadfast gaze locked on the picture behind her.
"They remind me of swans," he says in a whispered voice, nodding at the picture.
"What makes them so special?"
Kurt shifts in his chair, feeling uncomfortable, and slightly stupid. He wishes she'd ask about something else and not be so focused on his stupid dream.
She doesn't say anything, though, just looking expectantly at him. He tries to avoid her eyes, studying the picture instead, but he can feel how she's watching him.
"It's silly, really…"
"Why do you think your thoughts are silly?"
"Nobody else thinks like that," he shrugs.
"First of all, you don't know how everybody else thinks. Besides, you're not supposed to be anybody but you. Your opinions, feelings and thoughts matter."
He can feel tears welling up in his eyes, and blinks several times to prevent them, but to no avail. Slowly, one by one trickle down his cheeks.
"My mom used to read to me until I fell asleep. She had this thick book with all kinds of fables, fairytales and short stories. I still have it in my room back home."
Christy simply smiles, nodding to show she's listening, but Kurt hardly notices her. His eyes are fixed on the big painting behind her, and he can almost smell the scent of his mom and hear her voice reading to him.
"One of my favourites was The Ugly Duckling. I was too young to understand the symbolism, so mom would explain how you sometimes have to go through difficult times because people don't understand you. But then some day you'll wake up and realize that you've gone from misunderstood to loved, because suddenly you've grown into the swan everybody loves. It'll all be worth the pain, and it also shows that people aren't always what they seem to be."
Kurt swallows, and dabs at the tears still falling. Christy pours him a glass of water, offering it to him, and he eagerly drinks it all.
"I've been an ugly duckling for so long. When is it my turn to be the swan?" he sighs, and more tears fall. He hides his face in his hands, and curls his feet up in the chair, folding over his bent knees.
"I'm exhausted," he eventually whispers. "And I don't see what can be worth this hurt."
"The swan is a powerful and popular symbol, and I can understand your desire to be one. The swan is said to represent love, grace, union, purity, beauty, dreams, balance, elegance, partnership and transformation."
Kurt nods against his knees. He'd like to identify with any of those words.
"I think you're already on your way to becoming a swan," Christy says calmly, and Kurt can't but look up to meet her eyes.
"You've already passed some of the stages in your transformation. You are in a better head space now than just three months ago. You're healing."
"It doesn't feel like it," Kurt mutters.
"I won't deny it will take some time. But you have to use perspectives. You said this morning you haven't had any suicidal thoughts after you transferred. That's progress. And I'd say some of the other swan-words can be applied to you too. Dare to dream, Kurt."
Christy locks eyes with him, and he can't look away.
"I challenge you to put words to a dream for our next session. You have it in you, you just have to take the time to look for it and allow yourself to think about a future."
"It's difficult," Kurt mumbles.
"Why is that?"
"I have more than enough on my plate with the present. I don't have anything left to deal with a future, no matter how near or distant."
"I understand that. But I'd still like for you to take a time out, and spend some time imagining a dream, figuring out something you want to come true, and tell me about it next week. Okay?"
Kurt exhales slowly, deeply.
"Okay," he relents.
The garage was busy with a lot of work for Burt to catch up with after the honeymoon, so he'd suggested that Kurt stays at Dalton this weekend, and uses the opportunity to get to know his classmates. Kurt had told him he spent most afternoons with his homework to explain why he hadn't made any new friends yet, but it had only prompted his dad to make sure he socializes.
Tina had texted him to find out when he'd be back in Lima, but when Kurt explained the situation she only needed a couple of minutes to make plans, and promised to come by on Saturday.
So it's Tina Kurt expects, when somebody knocks on the door. But when he opens up, Mercedes is also there. She smiles hesitantly at him, before studying the floor. Tina sighs and rolls her eyes exaggeratedly, before inviting herself into Kurt's room. Mercedes follows silently after her.
Kurt gestures for them to sit down on the couch, and carefully taps Jeff's shoulder with one finger. The boy is bent over his books by his desk with earphones on, and didn't hear the knocking. He startles when Kurt interrupts, but smiles none the less.
"Jeff, I'd like to introduce you to somebody," he explains, gesturing at the girls.
"Oh, I didn't know you were expecting visitors. How nice," Jeff beams, and offers his hand to the two ladies.
Kurt quickly introduces them. Tina; Jeff, Jeff; Tina, Mercedes; Jeff, Jeff; Mercedes. They exchange pleasantries.
"I'll go study in Nick's room, so you can have some privacy," Jeff offers.
"I didn't mean to chase you out of your room, I'm sure there's somewhere we could go," Kurt apologizes.
"Don't mention it," Jeff grins. "I really don't mind go seeing Nick," he winks, and gathers his books and binders.
As soon as the door is closed behind him, Tina opens her mouth.
"Kurt, we need to talk."
For once, Blaine is lounging in bed doing nothing important. Usually he'd hang out with his friends or kill time in the gym during weekends, but today he just feels tired and drained. Lying in bed and goofing around with the guitar seems like a much better plan than spending time with noisy boys today.
He's so lost in the melody he makes up on the go he almost misses the knock on his door.
"Enter!" he offers loudly, for once being too lazy to be polite and open the door properly.
"Sam!" He jumps up to greet his friend, and doesn't hesitate to hug him. "It's so good to see you again, come in," he encourages a smiling Sam, frantically cleaning up the room to make it more inviting. Which means he has to remove a cardigan from his office chair and the guitar from his bed.
"Tina and Mercedes wanted to visit Kurt, so I decided to tag alone. I assume you don't mind," Sam grins and plops down on top of Blaine's covers.
Blaine shakes his head amused, and sits down on the other end of the bed.
"So how are you?"
"Fine," Blaine answers automatically.
"Yeah, so Santana – remember Santana? Raging Latina?" Blaine nods and Sam continues. "Santana thought me this thing she calls a bullshit detector. And it just went off."
"The week's been difficult, but I'm coping," Blaine sighs.
Sam crosses his legs by the ankles.
"Kurt and you probably fooled most guys last weekend, them shaking it down to some drunken fooling around. Kurt's been so out of character for such a long time, no reds flags are raised anymore; they're already always waving from the top of the pole. His friends don't know how to be around him, what to expect, how to help him. They try to be supportive and understanding, without pushing him. So this week everyone has talked about how good for Kurt to finally get some. Do you understand what I mean?"
Blaine nods, wondering where this is going. He had been surprised by the lack of interrogation during the party, as if it was common to see Kurt this affectionate and intimate with somebody. Which Blaine knows isn't so, as he's familiar with the boy's kissing history prior to Bellefontaine. One girl and one bully.
"The thing is," Sam continues, "I know both of you, and I was the only one at the party who does."
"You seemed cosy with Mercedes," Blaine teases, trying to lead the conversation in a different direction.
"I was. We're dating now," Sam smiles bashfully, blushing slightly across his cheek bones. "But it doesn't mean I didn't notice anything around me. So what's the story between Kurt and you?"
"It's a pretty short story. Maybe just a haiku," Blaine shrugs.
"You like him," Sam states bluntly.
"I do. I… I really like him."
"And he likes you," Sam says equally blunt.
"I hope he does?"
"You asking me?" Sam laughs. "OK, I'd say he has to like you at some level. He's not one to fool around with anyone. He seems to trust you and let you in both quicker and closer than anyone else. He's keeping the rest of us on a distance. I've seen how he's changed during the year I've known him. Did you know Mercedes and he used to be best friends, and now they hardly talk? She's so worried about him, and really struggles with all of this, but so far hasn't been able to talk with him like they used to."
"I'm sorry he's withdrawn like that, it can't be easy for you to see a friend in pain who is also avoiding you."
"And still he's let you in close. That should tell you something."
"I think I can question how close we really are. I've hardly seen him after the party. Besides, he's not out here, so it's not like anything could really happen between the two of us," Blaine sighs sadly. Sometimes he's all optimistic and patient, confident Kurt will come out anytime soon and he can ask him out. Other times he feels kind of heartbroken and helpless.
"Has he told you anything from McKinley?"
"Yeah, we've bonded over shared backgrounds and struggles."
"Can you blame him for not coming out in a school filled with strangers, with his experiences?"
"But we have the anti bullying zero tolerance-policy," Blaine whines.
"And you expect him to trust a piece of paper before he sees it's actually respected?"
Blaine doesn't answer that.
"I may have been your roomie for only six months, but I think we got pretty close during that semester. And I remember how far in your shell you were, and how long it took for you to open up about anything, not to mention your sexuality." Sam looks pointedly at him.
"I guess I forgot about that," Blaine admits. "I feel so comfortable here now."
"Give Kurt time. Give him a chance to settle down. And, just so you know, you have my blessings. Kurt is a pretty boy, you know, he has a beautiful soul he reveals in only short glimpses at the moment, and he's a really cool guy when he's on top of his game. And you know I love you, bro, so I think you could be good for each other."
"Thank you. I think," Blaine says questioningly, scratching the back of his head and looking amused.
"Did I tell you about the time we were supposed to duet together?"
Blaine shakes his head.
"Some of our well meaning, but misguiding, friends warned him against it, said it would make me a target for the bullies and chase me away from Glee club. And he actually withdrew from the duet, giving me a chance to perform with someone else, keeping me safe. So I sang with a girl, knowing McKinley was a far step from Dalton. Later I figured out he'd had a crush on me. I wish I knew earlier, he's so precious. But he had already begun to reign in on himself, too used to rejection and hate."
"You liked him," Blaine teases, bumping his shoulder against Sam's.
"Well duh. Have you met him?"
Blaine raises his eyebrows and just looks at his old roommate.
"So you know what I mean," Sam smiles bashfully. "Be good to him. Be patient with him. You'll have to work hard to get him out of his shell, but he's worth it."
"What do you mean, we have to talk? What's wrong?"
"We're worried about you, and we have things we need to air."
"OK," Kurt says confused. He takes one of his pillows to sit on on the floor, curling up pretzel style with a wool blanket around him. The girls are sitting on the couch across of him, with the low coffee table between them.
"Sorry, I'm feeling a bit cold today," he apologizes, waving with the blanket where his hands are clutching to it. "What makes you worry?"
"Remember we talked about Blaine when you were in the hospital?" Tina asks.
"No, not really," Kurt says, feeling defensive.
"Mercy and I talked with him when we visited, while you were asleep."
Mercedes nods to show her support of the story.
"We spoke on the phone after we won Sectionals, and I said I didn't like you rooming with Blaine."
"I don't have any memory of that," Kurt says, not making any effort to rummage his mind to see if he can remember.
"I don't like Blaine; I don't trust him. Neither of us does," Tina says, nodding at Mercedes.
"Why not?" Kurt is honestly curious, because Blaine seems as a very likeable boy, and Kurt can't pinpoint anything that would make people dislike him – except for his sexuality, but he knows that isn't an issue for his friends.
"He seems so fake. You must have noticed how polished he is, and how he seems to slip between personalities."
"I'm afraid I don't follow."
"OK, examples," Tina sighs, clearly frustrated by Kurt's lack of understanding and sharing her view on the boy. "When we talked in the hospital, he was so stiff and old fashioned polite, like he was putting on a show for us. It was really odd and disturbing. Then at the party he acted all shy, but charming, following you like an annoying puppy and trying to impress us. But suddenly later on he was all Don Juan down your throat, touchy-feely the rest of the night, cutely and sweetly. Ugh, I don't trust him. I'm worried he's not safe for you. We know something's wrong with him; we know he was in that mental ward. Is he a schizophrenic? Can his personality changes be a danger for you?"
Tina takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
"Are you done?" Kurt asks calmly, and Tina nods. "Do you have anything to add?" he asks Mercedes.
"Not for now," she says to her purple boots.
"If there's something wrong with Blaine, as you so eloquently put it, then there's something wrong with me too. What Blaine struggles with, is his business, and I'm not going to betray his trust. But you might try to see things from Blaine's point of view. He meets some strangers – you, of course he'll be polite and awkward, trying to figure out who you are and how to be around you, as he expected to talk books with me, not run into two unfamiliar faces. Then he joins me at the party, and of course I gave him the tour to introduce him to everybody. Blaine is a polite boy, unlike most male specimen at McKinley, but if you talked with some of the boys here at Dalton, you'd see they all have manners. Being different doesn't mean you're wrong," he snorts. "And for the rest of the night? We both got drunk, and it's not like you weren't deep throating your boys either."
"Umm, you know deep throating is something else?" Mercedes asks hesitantly.
"So does that mean he's your boy, then?" Tina asks suspiciously.
"No, he's not my boy," Kurt glares, waving off Mercedes' comment. "We had too much to drink, and it's not like there's a surplus of gay boys to let your alcoholic hormones out with. He's a good friend and we got carried away," Kurt explains, trying not to think about the night afterwards.
"So he isn't taking advantage of you? Stringing you on? Two-facing you?"
"I'm a big boy who can take care of himself."
The look Tina gives him shows clearly how much she doubts that statement.
"If nothing ever happens between us, how can he be taking advantage of me?"
"I'm just worried, that's all."
"Why can't you get to know him for real before you judge him? New Directions used to be a place for all the square pegs who got dealt a round hole to navigate in. Why are you suddenly so judgmental of him?"
"He's not one of ours," Tina says shortly.
"No, he'd never join if he was a student at McKinley, with your attitude."
"You're one of us, and he seemed like a threat, and we feel protective of you," Tina sighs. Mercedes has been oddly silent for most of the conversation.
"I guess we could give him a chance. It's not like you to make new friends that easily. He already seems to be closer to you than some of us are," she says sadly.
"We have a lot in common and understand each other," Kurt shrugs defensively.
"We're glad you're making friends here. But we miss you too."
"I'm right here," Kurt objects.
"No, you're not. You avoid us and have retreated to some shell," Tina corrects him.
"But I'm not the only one who's changed," he looks pointedly at Mercedes.
"It's been hard," Mercedes whispers.
Kurt nods to encourage her. Maybe there is more talk that needs to be done today.
"It's painful to know how depressed you've been, and it's plain torture to admit I didn't see it in time. I'm so, so sorry for not being a good friend," Mercedes chokes, tears threatening to leap over the overloaded brims of her eyes.
"'Cedes…" Kurt whispers breathlessly, crawling up from his position on the floor. He sits down on the couch, leaving Mercedes between him and Tina. "You are a very good friend; I'm the one who hasn't been easy to deal with."
"I feel so guilty," the girl sobs, her tear finally falling. "I should have known how serious it was, I should have been able to help you, I should have been there for you, maybe we could have avoided everything," she sobs, gesturing around as if Kurt's room at Dalton represents everything that's been going on for the last half year. And in some ways, it does.
Kurt wraps his arms around her, holding her close to his chest.
"Sweetie, I don't think there's anything anyone could have done. I'd spiralled down too far too fast, and was beyond help. I had given up. I'm just stating facts here, but there was nothing anyone of you could have done. I'm in therapy, seeing a professional, and still feel like shit. How were you supposed to perform miracles on me?"
Mercedes shivers in his arms, and Tina embraces her from next to her.
"I'll be better, but I need my friends," Kurt whispers. He highly doubts how much better he can be; things still look pretty dark. But he can admit to needing his friends, they do make for excellent distractions.
Blaine escorts Sam to the common's room. He was a sophomore the last time he was here, so he was living downstairs, and hasn't actually been on this floor before.
"Sam? Is that really Sam?"
"Sam My Man, we've missed you!"
"Do Sean Connery, you have to do Connery!"
"Your girls have left?" Jeff peaks in through the door crack.
"Yeah, they have quite a drive back home."
Jeff nods and slips in, slumping down on his bed.
"You okay?" Kurt asks hesitantly, subtly looking at the boy from the corner of his eyes, noticing how tired he looks."
"Nick's been helping me with homework, so my brain is all but fried."
"All day?"
"I had a lot to catch up with," Jeff shrugs.
It doesn't make much sense to Kurt. Jeff spends almost all of his free time with his books, he's the most diligent and devoted student he's seen in a while. Even though Kurt has a lot to catch up with, he still takes his time to read fiction, watch a DVD, text his Lima friends or just relax. While Jeff is either in class, with the Warblers, or doing homework. Even when he's spending time with Nick, they can often be seen studying together. Maybe he's easily distracted and forgets to focus. Although that doesn't explain how he's able to take all the notes from what he reads. Huh. Oh well, it has nothing to do with Kurt.
"So, was one of them your girlfriend?" Jeff asks, skipping to a new topic.
The question startles Kurt. He can't remember the last time anyone assumed he could be straight. Although he's been flying low and dodging the radar, he's also assumed he'd be confronted with his sexuality sooner or later, probably sooner. He didn't expect it to happen like this, though.
"Umm… No… No, they're old friends from school," Kurt says evasively, and cringes at how secretive he sounds.
"That's nice of them to visit you like that. Nick and I actually met an old friend out in the common's room earlier; he was here on a surprise visit."
"That's nice," Kurt murmurs.
"He transferred a year ago, and we've missed him like crazy, but lost touch when we didn't know where he went. But he told us he only lives two hours away, and came with some of his new classmates who wanted to visit a friend of theirs… Oh!"
"Was Sam here?" Kurt asks easily, but with some eagerness.
"You know Sam!" Jeff beams.
"That I do."
"He told us he had a girlfriend, she must have been one of the girls visiting you. Good for him, the dating pool at Dalton isn't exactly good. Unless you're into boys too," Jeff adds as if in afterthought. "Do you have a special sweetheart in your life? The boys here aren't eunuchs, we do have a sister school we often party with."
Kurt swallows, knowing this is one of those possibilities where he can easily come out. And it shouldn't be that scary to come out to Jeff, who's dating Nick. But he just can't. He doesn't trust Jeff enough.
"No, not seeing anyone," he says, knowing he isn't lying, but feeling he's hovering in a sexuality limbo.
Sunday finds Kurt wandering the premises of Dalton, not really taking in the surroundings. The fresh, cold January air is refreshing, though, after too many days hauled up in classrooms, the library or the room he shares with Jeff. He needs oxygen to his brain. He needs to power walk so fast he can't think about anything, just focusing on moving one foot in front of the other, hopefully avoiding the biggest puddles of slush or specks of polished ice.
He can't run away from the aftermath of the visitors he had last day, though. He's not concerned about what Tina said. He trusts Blaine, and she'll simply have to give him a chance and pull back her Mama Bear Claws. It's Mercedes' hurt and guilt that have him baffled. He never expected or predicted any of his friends feeling like that. He knows it's been rough on his dad, but that's his parent. And of course it's affected Carole, to see the man she loves in that kind of distress. And he knows Finn has needed some readjustments to figure out his new place in all of this. But he honestly thought he'd pushed away his friends sufficiently for them to not be so affected by his issues and actions. He's felt so lonely and miserable in school, and abandoned his friends hoping it'd give him less grief from the jocks, less connection to everything they detest and sanction. He assumed his friends would forget about him, but clearly it's not the case. Knowing he may still have some of them within reach is both scary and uplifting.
It's something he'll need some time to digest and fully take in.
As soon as he's arrives the floor of the upperclassmen, he's accosted by Jeff and Nick. He can see Jeff's hands twitching, as if he's preventing himself from reaching out to grab his hand.
"Come join us for a movie marathon," they offer.
Kurt knows he can decline, retreat to his room and do something else, on his own. But Jeff looks so hopeful, and Kurt's revelations during his walk about how he might need – and want – friends are the finale grain that tips the scale in favour of joining the boys. He doesn't know which movies they are watching, but he really doesn't care.
He follows after the couple, and he realizes he'd forgotten to calculate Blaine in the equation when his eyes land on the boy. Their eyes meet, but then Blaine ducks his head, worrying his bottom lip, looking uncomfortable. Shit. Kurt never meant to hurt Blaine; he just didn't know how to deal with what happened, and gave himself a time out to digest. He was so immersed in himself, he forgot to consider how others might react.
Hesitantly, he walks towards Blaine.
"Hi…" he mumbles. "I'm sorry for avoiding you, but I needed some time alone in my head."
Blaine looks surprised by his admission, but gives him a half smile.
"It's okay," he shrugs.
"No, it was not okay," Kurt insists, not wanting to let Blaine brush this off. "I've been a terrible friend, letting my mind take control of me like that."
"I understand," Blaine says softly, and that Kurt can believe and accept. Sometimes it's like the depression casts a spell on you, leaving you immobile and incapable of independent thinking.
"Do you want to sit down?" he pats the seat next to him.
"If you want me to sit with you," Kurt says carefully.
"Of course," Blaine scoffs.
So Kurt sits down daintily next to him, sitting primly and with a safe distance to Blaine. They don't talk much, but the atmosphere between them is pretty relaxed and enjoyable, as they laugh at the same jokes, and look at each other knowingly when Orlando Bloom looks especially pleasing. Halfway through Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Blaine's fallen asleep, head resting awkwardly tilted upward along Kurt's arm.
Kurt wonders for a while what to do, before deciding to help Blaine into a more comfortable position. He supports his body with his left arm, while manoeuvring his right arm out from under Blaine, and instead wrapping it around him, so he can rest solid and comfortably against Kurt's chest. In his sleep, Blaine snuggles closer, putting an arm to rest across Kurt's stomach.
He tenses somewhat, wondering how the other boys might react. But they already know Blaine's gay, and don't seem to have issues with it. So Blaine should probably still be safe – he's charming, polite, kind and charismatic; of course he's a popular student at Dalton, of course they won't arrest him for being gay when he's otherwise so damn likeable.
Kurt lets the third movie capture his attention, and absentmindedly runs his fingers up and down Blaine's arm, brushing softly. Blaine snuggles his head further into Kurt's chest, so he takes it as encouragement and doesn't cease the movements.
As far as Kurt knows, all the boys are busy watching the movie, hollering each time Keira Knightley graces the screen and stuffing their faces with popcorn and snacks. Nobody seems to be bothered by them. Nick and Jeff are cuddled up in a big armchair, and Wes is resting his head on a pillow in David's lap.
In a darker corner in the far back of the room, there was an empty armchair when Kurt arrived. While he was busy apologizing to Blaine, he didn't notice the tall, brown haired transfer student slide in and getting comfortable. For all the censors and eyes in the back of his head Kurt's developed to increase his security and personal space, he however completely misses the curious frown Sebastian is giving him and Blaine cuddled up in his arms.
Lyrics from:
Alexandra Stan – Mr. Saxobeat