Chapter Thirty-Five: A Private Little War
The standoff had been won and it wasn't the commander who came out the victor. It didn't matter though - Squall wasn't in any great hurry to hear how his future would be predetermined, yet again. He wasn't positive to what degree of punishment he was expecting, but he would never regret this choice. He would always remain steadfast in his decision as the 'could have beens' would have haunted him. One thing he learned from this experience - time would not wait for anyone.
Truthfully, he wasn't too concerned about Cid's reprimand, indifferent as that may have sounded. How much punishment could one inflict on a dead man anyhow? Anything within SeeD's given norm would surely comprise the mission. In his opinion, he had endured punishment enough over the last few weeks, though he also knew that Garden wouldn't concur. To him, the emotional strain on his friends and family seemed far beyond anything in the history of SeeD.
His opinion of this deceptive bullshit had not waivered since waking up in the hospital. He honestly believed that the appearance of him being either dead or alive carried little weight in the investigation. However, a part of him was now grateful; he would not be standing by her save for Garden's elaborate ploy. He already knew that the headmaster wasn't going to do anything on the drastic side; Garden still needed him to smooth over any public uproar once the truth was known.
Zell's eyes darted between his superior and Rinoa; the latter seemed to be rather lost by this entire exchange.
"Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of her," Squall assured.
While he knew that speaking in front of a civilian was technically prohibited, considering that that protocol seemed to have already been shot to hell, the martial artist paid the rule no heed.
"Ah, okay..." Zell hesitantly began, "Apparently, Cid thinks we can trust her." He then motioned his head toward the third party in the room. Zell offered a coy grin – a telltale sign of his nerves. "No offence, Rinoa."
"None taken," she replied with a slightly mocking undertone.
Her resentment wasn't intended toward the messenger - just the ones sending it. Seriously, hadn't she proved that she could be trusted to them? Still, she knew how things worked in a politically-driven climate and so she could understand Zell's hesitation.
After a few seconds of agonizing silence, the martial artist figured, by this point, policy made no difference; quite ironically, that was also the gist of Garden's message. He honestly was just tired and uncomfortable with interrupting his friends, although it was a necessary. Protocol was sometimes difficult to selectively follow – it had been something ingrained within him from a very young age. He loved Rinoa, but it still felt unnatural to speak freely of Garden matters around her. Maybe at one point he was comfortable, definitely during the Ultimecia conflict, but distance and time had a way of changing one's perception.
"Well…" Zell began trying to break the tension, though he felt as if the term 'tension' seemed a grave understatement. "Cid thinks we don't have much of a choice at this point. She kinda knows pretty much everything now. He also thought that maybe a fresh set of eyes may help…ya know… um who knows?"
That was it. The martial artist really needed sleep or at least a full pot of coffee, possibly more than one. Trying to articulate anything of importance right now was seemingly impossible, and quite frankly, he had enough experience with implausible scenarios over the last two weeks.
"Great, whatever," Squall replied curtly.
The commander wasn't irritated by Zell's jumbled delivery or even his comrade's not-so-unexpected arrival. Outwardly, his response it may have sounded callous, but to some degree, he wasn't sure what he had been expecting. Still, this certainly wasn't it.
"If any other SeeD walked off a mission like I did, Garden would already have an entire garrison flanking the position. They'd already be labeled a damn traitor. The trial would be over before it started - hypocrisy at its finest."
Squall knew his anger shouldn't have been directed towards Zell, but this whole situation had been completely asinine – from his fake casket to his fake punishment. This entire mission had been an abomination of the rules, though he certainly played his part in that. He would love to see how this would have played out on paper; the headmaster certainly wasn't following any known guidelines. But he also knew that this mission will never be officially documented, only its end outcome.
An outcome which remained to be written…
Zell knew that he really couldn't respond to the commander's statement; it was more a rhetorical tirade on Squall's part. The martial artist decided it would be best to keep his opinions to himself. Squall didn't need the added aggravation, even if he completely agreed with him. Still, that small part of his brain that would have normally stopped him from saying something that he would regret had apparently been left somewhere on the highway.
"I'm not saying anything… I mean, I'm saying something, but not about that." Zell fumbled, wishing he would just shut up while he was ahead…or well, not being pummeled by the commander. "Cuz you're probably right, but I mean that's not why I'm not saying anything. I'm actually glad it worked out like it did…or may work out. Well, hopefully, you know, you guys'll work out."
He finally stopped although not as abruptly as he should have. This was not going well, at all. He wanted to smack himself for pissing off an already pissed off commander. He needed to salvage this somehow.
"What I'm trying to say is…um…" He tried to think of an eloquent way to sum this up – once again failing at doing so, "You know what, I'm just glad to get out of the damn van. That's all I'll say."
Yes, he would leave it at that. There was a reason he wasn't in a command position and this was it. Put him in any battle situation and he would immerge with flying colors, but put him in the middle of Squall and Rinoa's love triangle, square, or whatever it currently was for lack of a better term, and he was lost.
In all of the scenarios Squall had imagined since heading to Timber, none of them played out quite in this fashion - the way where after deserting his post, Cid brings the reason for his desertion into the mission. It went beyond any given logic in Squall's eyes. Three years ago, Garden could not seem to get Rinoa away fast enough, now they were bringing her into the fold? Again, the commander understood back then that Cid was being pressured from outside sources, which always seemed to be the headmaster's downfall. At one point, it was Norg. Now it was the World Council. Politics again. God, he hated this shit.
There was a positive with Zell's arrival however; Squall was relieved that his comrade was safe. No matter what the circumstance was, he couldn't just turn off all emotions – even though he had tried to do just that in the past. Again, Squall honestly didn't regret his decision to come to Timber, yet he wasn't blind to Zell's plight. The commander's only residual guilt in this whole ordeal was not abandoning Garden per se, but abandoning a friend on a mission. He had enough faith and confidence that Zell would find him and truthfully, he had counted on it. It was just his sheer disgust at Garden's double-standards that never wavered.
There was also something appealing about working with Rinoa, that is, if she would agree. As of now, she seemed rather silent on all subjects. Honestly, he had never worked with Rinoa as more or less an equal. Back during Ultimecia, he had to mentally categorize that it was strictly a client situation. Yes, it turned into more as time progressed. Her input was always regarded but it was a group of six and in all honesty, he relied on the rational thinking of the trained SeeDs rather than her emotional reactions.
Therein laid the difference between the past and present; she was no longer the emotional teenager but someone who knew of responsibility. Now she could view things with multiple viewpoints and perspectives. He never wanted her to lose herself completely in the black and white, but he also wanted her to see all the grays in the process. She had. He could see that without even having to talk to her back at the wedding.
Rinoa's maturity had shown not only in her position, but through her accomplishments. It was a dedication to Timber and its citizens that he had truly envied. It was a bond that both Rinoa and his father shared, one he seemed to lack. Timber and Esthar were their respective homes, but Garden was now only his job. At one time, he regarding it as home, but that was before he truly understood the definition – at least the one he would like to know.
Through all Zell's incoherent ramblings, Squall and Rinoa stared in amazed confusion. Rinoa could sense her friend's anxiety, although he was trying to feign composure. The poor man looked as if he had just woken from a coma; she thought better voicing that comparison, given the irony of circumstance. Everything about his demeanor spoke that he was absolutely exhausted both on a physical and mental level.
"Zell, if you want, I have a den at the end of the hall. There's a pull-out couch that makes into a rather… well, hopefully semi-comfortable bed. Honestly never tried it myself, but you look like you could use some rest," politely offered Rinoa.
What caught her off guard was the action that was to follow. The martial artist jumped forward, giving her a one-armed bear hug that eclipsed the other tenfold.
"I love you, I love you, I love you!"
"It's um…okay?" Rinoa patted him on the back before trying to pry him loose, "I love you too?"
"You have no idea of the torture I've put up with lately. The suffering my back alone has had to endure in the van from hell. I swear I'm going to stand like Gerogero for the rest of my life. Rinoa, you're my new hero – you're my new god. I worship the ground you walk on..."
"It's just a pull-out couch – so really, there are no thanks and certainly no worship necessary," she replied, amused by his reaction.
Looking over to Squall, she noticed he seemed to be wisely staying out of this exchange. Apparently, he knew how to pick and choose his battles. This was not one. With one final lopsided squeeze, Zell finally detached.
Rinoa was just about to add that he could help himself to food if needed, but she was never given the opportunity. The trio jumped as the doorbell, for a second time this morning, echoed throughout the room. And, as if on some unwritten cue, Angelo went into mass hysterics once again.
The dog did not like that infernal noise and barking usually made it go away. Based on that fact, Angelo was insistent that she loudly inform Rinoa that the doorbell was ringing in case the annoying tone was missed. Even though her human was only a few steps away, in the canine's mind, the loud high-pitched sound may have escaped her master's ears.
"Oh God, it's Zone," Rinoa said out loud, trying to bite back the panic in her voice. She would have hushed Angelo, but the barking was actually a decent cover for any accidental noise on their end.
Still, the young woman couldn't believe she had let her guard fall once again, forgetting to warn them about the expected company. For his part, Squall seemed to be carefully analyzing the situation more than reacting to it. She knew that he was never aware of her plan to return to work. Somehow, that never came up in the course of last night's events and subsequent discussions… She would wave off any further explanation for the moment as now was not the time.
At this point, it would be impossible for the two SeeDs to head toward the stairway as there was a good chance if they crossed in front of the picture window, Zone could see them. Rinoa quickly surmised that they were stuck on this side of the house. Luckily, there was a coat closet near the front door. She hastily pointed to it, hoping they would get the message. It was the most logical and rational course of action, she just hoped that two grown men would fit. Hopefully they would only focus on her quick thinking rather than being squashed like the proverbial sardines in a can. This could get fairly uncomfortable very quickly.
Smiling in understanding, Zell quickly took the hint and headed toward the closet door. Squall's initial reaction upon direct eye contact was something vaguely reminiscent of an eye roll, but with a much more disgusted flare.
"Oh, complain later," Rinoa gruffly replied, squinting at the commander. It was nice to see that after all this time, certain mannerisms of his remained intact, and honestly, so did hers in that respect."Just get in the closet and behave."
"Wait, what does that mean?" Zell replied in a subtle cross between being offended and saying it as a joke.
"Nothing," Rinoa shot back sarcastically. "You can also complain later for my choice of wording. A moment ago, I was your god so just heed my word…or no sofa-sleeper for you."
With that looming threat, the two found a way to squeeze themselves into the small closet though it certainly wasn't designed for two grown men to hide within. In actuality, it wasn't even feasible for more than a couple pairs of shoes, boots, a few coats, and possibly an umbrella – of course, add two men into the mix and it became a mathematical equation on logistics.
The worst part about the current predicament – well, besides just being in the damn closet – was the fact that both men were forced to stand in a hunched position. The top shelf made it impossible to stand up straight. Squall could have found a thousand things wrong with this situation, but in all honesty, he'd still rather be hiding in her closet than any other closet in the world. Well, maybe not literally, but even as awkward and uncomfortable as this was, he did not forsake the incredible chance he had been granted.
Taking a few calming breaths, Rinoa secured the tie of her bathrobe again and then quickly retied her hair into a rather disheveled ponytail. Why she even cared about that aspect of her appearance she couldn't say. Up until this second, it had all but slipped her mind. The sudden shift in focus was most likely attributed to her nerves.
Before answering the door, she found herself mentally rehearsing a greeting. How pathetic was the scene unfolding before her? And why was she even putting this much effort into something so inconsequential? Had it not been for the two men in her closet, this act would have felt much more natural.
Zone was her damn friend – she had known him longer than either Squall or Zell. Still, she felt that somehow, her relationship with him had been evolving into something deeper, albeit growing into exactly what she couldn't place a finger on... It was hard to forget his deliberate kiss, the one that she made no outward effort to stop. At the time, her reasoning was weak at best. In hindsight, the whole thing was just an ill-timed chapter in her life.
Seriously, why in the world should she have anymore guilt now than she did that night? The kiss was far less physical than Squall's relationships over the last years. The difference was never in the act, but in the feelings surrounding it. If what Squall had said about Lauren was true, and somehow she knew it to be, it was based on mutual companionship rather than emotions. This completely countered her relationship with Zone. She had loved and trusted in him for years but it was only recently had she been able to conceive it as something deeper.
If anything, her guilt regarding the betrayal should have been directed toward Zone. They had not had the time to have a heartfelt conversation, or even the slightest chance to talk about what happened. For all Zone knew, she truly was interested in taking their relationship to the next possible level. Honestly, Rinoa had given him no indication otherwise. In that respect, she had not treated him any differently than before the kiss, but her life had been turmoil in the last few weeks. She had to remind herself that he was just a friend – a friend whom she shared a rather intimate kiss with…
This was all becoming too goddamn overwhelming. If she tried to remember that night weeks ago, she could vaguely recall being held in his arms. It was only bits and pieces, but it was the final hours where her life had some order and sense – and then he kissed her. All her memories seemed to snowball from that one significant event. Yet, even during the kiss, in Zone's embrace, she still felt an underlying loneliness.
She also realized that the loneliness she remembered from just a few weeks ago seemed to be quickly fading... She couldn't admit that fact to Squall, not yet. There was still too much to sort out and emotions were only half the battle. It however, made this encounter that much more complicated. She couldn't tell Zone the truth - the part about the 'dead man' hiding in her closet. She hated keeping secrets from him. But she had protected Squall in the past and she would protect him in the present, though it didn't lessen her guilt any …
"Now or never," she mumbled. She had to act the part, to return to the state of mind she was in yesterday, before that moment in the rain.
She nearly found herself forcing a smile as she opened the door, which, given her supposed mourning, would seem very suspect. She corrected the mistake, chalking that near faux pas to nerves. When she stopped thinking about behavior, to her surprise, it became instinctual nature.
"Hey Zone," she greeted, falling into routine, as if this was any other day of their life, "come on in."
"Mornin' sweetie, look what I brought-" He stopped abruptly, noticing her rather tousled appearance – not to mention the bathrobe she was still sporting wasn't exactly standard office attire.
"Rin, is everything all right?" His tone changed from cheerful to concerned. He knew how much she had insisted upon returning to work yesterday. Usually, once Rinoa made up her mind, it would take the force of a speeding flock of Chocobos to change it back again.
"Um, no… wait, that's not what I mean. I was meaning.…" She sighed, biting her lip nervously. She needed to breathe before she managed to pass out, which didn't seem entirely out of the question considering her luck as of late. "Zone, is it all right if we sit down? It's just really hard to explain at this point."
As he helplessly stood, his heart ached for her. Zone so desperately wanted to reach out and offer her comfort. However, it would be a difficult maneuver seeing as he was holding a cup in one hand and a small bag in the other. Still, he made no attempt to move toward the couch. He needed to know that she was all right. It was pure stubbornness on his part, but he had seen her suffer through too much over the last few years.
In all their years, he had never seen her determination fade as quickly as did from last night. That fact bothered him. The woman standing before him only seemed like the shell of the person he had known for just under a decade. Her entire aura seemed off and he could tell something had been affecting her greatly. It wasn't just the death of a former boyfriend; he honestly believed in his heart that she was giving up on something far deeper. He never wanted to think that way, and truthfully, he never had… but she was so determined yesterday and now, she looked so beaten.
"You're not okay, are you?" It was a rhetorical question; deep down, both of them already knew the answer.
Rinoa felt immediately guilty after seeing the apprehension in his expression; she knew that nobody in her past had cared for her as extensively as Zone. Whether it was during her time with the Forest Owls, the conflicts with her father, the summer she met Seifer or, worst of all, during those long tearful nights after leaving Garden, he was always a constant support in her life. Now, it felt as if she was purposely deceiving him and that alone was breaking her heart.
She knew this façade wasn't going to be as easy, but lying to her best friend was going to tear her apart. All of a sudden, she found a newfound sympathy for Squall and Zell's emotional plight. They had been living in this kind of hell for nearly two weeks and to a much greater extent. Unlike them, she barely made it two minutes before the guilt started to consume her.
"I will be okay… eventually. I just need time." She finally replied, and in all honesty, it was a statement rooted in truth.
"All right," he answered, still eying her suspiciously. "Can I take you up on that offer to sit now? Because as you can see, I brought presents, plus this coffee is starting to put blisters on my fingers. This may not end well." He lifted the cup in a motion reminiscent of a cheer, giving her a lopsided grin.
She nodded in agreement as the duo headed toward the sofa. He sat the coffee in front of her, neither speaking a word. At this point, the silence was probably simpler than any explanation she could muster. Rinoa felt like her body was one entire heartbeat; it was all she could feel as they silently sat next to one another. Truthfully, she wanted to tell him 'that she just wanted to be alone,' but it wasn't in her character to dismiss him so quickly. She could in time, but it had to flow into the natural course of events, which, right now, would obviously be too soon.
Thankfully, Zone was the one to break the tension by pointing to the cup on the table. "Here, before we get any further, I wanted to bring you that – Galbadian dark-roasted black, just the way you like it. I picked it up special this morning. It was kinda a 'welcome back to work' gift, but um…"
"It's okay, I know what you mean." She smiled, glancing at the oversized cup. "Thank you so much. Even if I don't go into today, it's never an inappropriate time for coffee. You always know that it's the way to my heart."
She inwardly grimaced after saying that. Why, why, why? Now it felt as if everything she said had a double meaning. A few weeks ago, she could have carried on a normal conversation with Zone, thinking nothing of her wording. But after the kiss, she started to question how he had been interpreting every innocent comment she made. Had this been going on for years?
Maybe it had… and worse yet, maybe she knew it deep down. Even Irvine had teased her years before, but she had claimed he was overreacting. She said that Zone's actions were merely sweet and maybe, just slightly, overprotective. But was just that her way of denying the truth? The thought of that made her extremely uncomfortable.
"Oh, and you certainly can't forget this little gem." Zone smiled, handing over the small pastry bag. Rinoa accepted it with a slight bit of curiosity, glad for the change of subject in her head.
"It's a chocolate muffin filled with a special Dollet-style chocolate sauce. I hope you like it. I guess I'm just hoping for some 'brownie points' or… I guess in my case, muffin points."
"That is possibly the lamest thing you have ever said to me." Rinoa laughed before sneaking a peek inside the bag. She finally glanced over at him with a slight chuckle in her voice. "You know, I could list a ton of reasons why I shouldn't eat this, but seriously, forget those… This looks absolutely delicious. Thank you."
It had been an honest to goodness laugh on her part. She truly thought that it was a lame statement. That was one of the things she cherished about their friendship – it was comments like that that made him Zone. She didn't want to think about the future, about how their relationship would suffer in the end. When the truth was told, there would be no winners or losers, just casualties along the way. Zone had enough hardships in his life, from something as severe as watching his father being shot by Vinzer Deling, to the ulcers his emotional turmoil brought on by those memories... She couldn't be the one to hurt him again; she had been through enough tragedy herself. She knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of pain, it was a commonality that initially bound them together as friends.
Zone knew that he needed to be the one to start the discussion; it seemed like Rinoa wasn't going to volunteer any information. He couldn't blame her for that. "You going to tell me what happened? You know I'm always here if you need someone no matter the time - day or night."
She flinched as his hand reached upward, tucking a stray clump of hair behind her ear. It felt so awkward to be touched by another man. Again, such a simplistic gesture of friendship could no longer be looked at as such in her eyes.
Trying to smile, she hid behind her faltering nerves. She tried to keep the conversation light, but ended up sniffling just to make it through her answer. "You mean because I'm not dressed? I'm a… just taking casual Friday to a new level."
"Somehow, I find that hard to believe, especially since it's not even Friday. You can't get much past me… military intelligence is kinda in my job description remember?"
Zone was right about one thing, he could normally tell if she wasn't being truthful. She would have to give him honesty, at least partially. No, she wouldn't talk about Squall as a living entity; she would never betray a trust bestowed upon her. Still, enough had happened even before the commander's sudden reappearance to explain her change of mind.
"Last night, I thought I was doing all right," she began slowly. Hands in her lap, she stared down at her fingers. She didn't know why, maybe because it was just easier this way. It wasn't hiding, but she still felt emotionally guarded. Without eye contact, it allowed herself some verbal freedoms.
"…I really was all right. I had every intention of going back to work today. I needed the break, needed to think about something beside… well, that. Then all of a sudden, it kinda becomes a blur... I remember certain things like running in the street, looking up at the rain… I think it all started after I read the letter from-"
She stopped herself mid-sentence, horrified at this startling revelation. The letter, the engagement ring – she had all but forgotten these things. She remembered reading the letter first; vividly seeing the truth contained within. These facts had not occurred to her until this very moment. Her entire demeanor changed, but not for the reason Zone believed.
How could she have forgotten about his will?