Author's Note:
Thank you for all the great reviews. I loved them.
Here is the next chapter… Enjoy and review soon…
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Tony stared up at the ceiling, replaying everything that had happened. Ducky and Dr Ashman had spend hours with him over the last two days, discussing his feelings and telling him that none of this was his fault.
But it was. It was his hand that inflicted so much pain on Gibbs.
He knew Gibbs watched him and waited.
How do I start to apologize?
How do I beg you for forgiveness?
When I don't feel I deserve it…
"DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly. "Speak to me."
Tony turned to Gibbs, focusing on his hands instead of his eyes. He saw the tension in his clenched hands and realized that Gibbs was in pain.
"You're in … pain. I'll buzz for a nurse." Tony offered.
I can't be alone with you.
Not yet.
"No. Tony, we have to talk about … it." Gibbs said, sitting up despite the pain.
Tony sighed.
Closing his eyes he whispered, "I know. I just need … time to make sense of it."
"I'll help you make sense of it, but you have to let me in." Gibbs said, getting to his feet unsteadily.
Tony looked up and tensed. He didn't want Gibbs to come any closer. He was terrified that he might still hurt him.
"Boss, you shouldn't be out of bed." Tony squeaked, sitting up and facing Gibbs.
"Good, you're finally looking at me." Gibbs smirked, reaching Tony's bedside.
"Gibbs you shouldn't be this close to me. I … I could hurt you."
"You won't" Gibbs said sitting on Tony's bed.
"I tried to kill you just last night… You should move away."
"You were not yourself last night." Gibbs said his hand on Tony's shoulder.
Tony flinched, "Gibbs, please move away. You shouldn't have insisted on sharing my room and you shouldn't be this close to me."
"Tony, it's okay." Gibbs said moving closer to Tony. His hand trembled as he pulled Tony forward.
"No it's not! I don't trust myself not to hurt you…" Tony sobbed, his body shaking with grief for what he had done.
"Shhh, Tony." Gibbs said completing the embrace by locking his arm around Tony's shaking body and holding him close.
He let Tony cry and he let him apologize over, and over again. He let Tony tell him everything that he was feeling and everything he feared. He reassured Tony that he would always be there for him.
Tony eventually cried himself to sleep and Gibbs covered him with a blanket, before heading back to his bed. His arm was throbbing mercilessly as was his head. But he knew that the moments shared with Tony were invaluable in bringing them closer together.
Closer together yes…
But will I ever be able to trust you again…
I want to … but will I be able too…
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The next three days passed quickly. Gibbs and Tony spoke regularly, but neither brought up the incident in the basement again. Gibbs' shoulder pain increased and to his and Tony's immense relief, he was able to move his fingers. The physiotherapist had to insist that Gibbs not over exhort himself as far as exercising his hand and shoulder was concerned, as he needed to give his nerves a chance to heal properly.
Tony was also recovering, physically. Mentally it was another story. He had awoken in a cold sweat that morning and had insisted on taking a shower rather then having the nurses sponge bath him. Now he paced the length of the room in silence, as Gibbs was still asleep.
That's how Ducky found him moments later.
"Good Morning Anthony. Are you okay?"
"Ducky, I don't know." Tony said. He told Ducky about the nightmare.
"Dr Ashman did warn you that this could happen. But he also told you that you are no longer under the influence of Matthews manipulations. You are who you have always been and you need to start trusting that." Ducky said.
"I don't know. It's just…"
"Tony, Ducky's right." Gibbs said, his eyes open and watching Tony.
"Hey Boss. How much aaammm, did you hear?" Tony asked.
"Enough." Gibbs replied as the door opened and the delicious aroma of coffee filled the room.
Tony tensed next to Ducky, but he just patted his arm and said, "It's time to let your friends back into your life, Tony."
Tony hadn't see anyone from the team since coming out of his mind altering stupor. He didn't know how they felt about him and he didn't know if they would still want to be his friends, family.
"Oh Tony!" Abby shrieked and hugged him fiercely. "I missed you so much."
McGee placed the coffee and bagels on the serving table and approached Tony.
"Tony, it's good to see you, Buddy." He said and surprised everyone by giving Tony a quick embrace.
Next Ziva approached.
"Tony, I'm glad you're doing better." She said before moving away.
"Agent DiNozzo." Jenny smiled.
It was all too much for Tony. He didn't say a word as he turned away and headed to the bathroom. The door couldn't be locked from inside, so he just closed it and sat down on the toilet seat.
Why don't they hate me??
How can they be this nice to me!
I'm a bastard! I hurt all of them…
This is not fair.
I did wrong, and I should be punished for it!
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Out in the room, everyone was silent.
"We shouldn't have come." Ziva stated.
"No. Dr Ashman said Tony needs his friends and family around him now, else he'll slip into a deeper depression." Ducky said.
"Should one of us go and get him?" McGee asked.
"I'll go." Gibbs said, sitting up.
"No. Let me." Abby said, stepping up to the bathroom door and knocking.
"Tony, it's Abby. I'm coming in." Abby stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
She found Tony staring at her, his eyes red rimmed, tears threatening to spill over.
"Oh Tony." Abby said, hugging his head to her waist.
"How can …. you still care … about me?" Tony gasped between sobs.
"Because, we love you." Abby simply said. "We love you too much and we know that you didn't hurt Gibbs deliberately."
Tony drew a sharp breathe at that.
"You would never hurt any of us deliberately."
"I thought so too." Tony murmured.
"Well I know so. Tony you have to accept that you were manipulated and used in the worst way possible."
"Abby, I almost killed him!" Tony shouted turning away from Abby to stare at the bathroom wall.
His voice reached those outside the bathroom and they entered without warning.
Why don't you all just leave me to my misery?
Why are they pushing hard for me to make peace with this?
What I've done will never go away, NEVER!
He didn't realize that he'd said it out loud.
"We won't leave you to your misery Tony, because it's not yours alone to bear. You are family and if you are hurting, then so are we." Abby said.
"You need to heal so that Jethro can heal and he needs to heal so that you can heal." Ducky said.
"If we stop pushing you, you'll just sink deeper, Tony. We can't let that happen. We take care of our own." McGee said.
"Yes, what you've done will never go away. But what you do today will help you deal with it and make the future better for all." Ziva said.
"Don't give up Tony. You'll make it through this and we'll be there every step of the way." Jenny said.
Gibbs stepped past the team until he was right behind Tony. He placed a hand on Tony's shoulder.
"Let it go, Tony. We'll start over, Son. But you have to let it go!"
Tony spun around and embraced Gibbs, tears running down his face.
"I'm so … sorry, Jethro. I don't … I really don't … deserve a father… like you." Tony sobbed. "Nor a … a family … like the rest of you."
"Shhh, Tony." Gibbs soothed.
"But because of you … I'm … I'm going … try to … let go of it…" Tony sobbed.
Finally… This is the breakthrough Ashman was talking about.
Everything's going to be okay now. Ducky smiled as the team around him expressed their relief in smiles and tears alike.
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Author's Note:
That's it for this chapter.
The next sees Tony and Gibbs go home… to Gibbs's house…
And Tony has to help Gibbs overcome his fears…
So stay tuned and review ASAP. Thanks…