A/N: Much love the Kimmie45 and StarryEyedWriter8, and everyone who reads.
***ETA, I uploaded the unedited version yesterday and sent my beta into anxiety. Oof, but all fixed now. Seriously, woman, you're more more of an anal mofo than I am, and I thought I was bad!
Vertigo
Chapter 37
Bella.
The anniversary of my family's death passed in a fog of grief, so did handsome's birthday. He's twenty-nine now; it's hard to believe sometimes, but he is.
I've given up on regrets. The regret of taking Edward to the shrink with me, or allowing him to witness me yet again break into a million pieces. Acceptance is so much easier anyway; as easy as falling. At least, that's how it was in the beginning, then it quickly became hard.
Hard.
Christ, I wish it was bloody hard, but it was so much worse. It was gut-wrenching. It was a pain so consuming I understand now why I recoiled from it. Why I ran from it.
In the end, it was as useless as running from my own shadow.
I had to stop running eventually; it was inevitable. I stopped running for Edward, and the rest just followed. Fate, it appears, has never been my friend.
I sleep a lot in the days following. It's a good escape; your body's natural defence mechanism. I was certain I wouldn't survive the dreadful ache that had anchored itself in my heart. Tears made it a little easier to bear, but the ache was always there. It made its presence known the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, and was the last thing I felt before I closed them at night. It hung over me heavily, oppressively, like a constant storm cloud obscuring the sun.
They say time heals all wounds, and I wouldn't say that's exactly true; it just makes it easier to bear. Time also makes you stronger, hardier, and more resilient.
Every day, taking one at a time and too painfully bloody slowly, the storm clouds broke apart and the ache began to fade away. It never really went fully away, I just learned to catalogue it in the deepest corner of my heart where it will no longer have control over me. I'll let it out for anniversaries, birthdays and such. I'm not sure I'll have a choice, but I needed to store it away out of sheer necessity.
Life goes on, and your deepest instincts will always push you to follow where they lead. So, I followed, reluctantly at first, and I soon caught sight of handsome again, then I found myself wanting to follow; wanting to follow him.
Next came my birthday. Twenty-seven. Christ, I'm getting old. Edward bought me a gold locket in the shape of a love heart. Inside was a little photo of the boys on one side and my mother on the other. I cried too bloody much and told him if he ever thought about leaving me I'd kill him. He promised me again in that deep, rich, rustic voice of his that he's sticking around. I'm starting to believe him.
Soon it was Christmas, and I visited their graves. I haven't done that...ever. I laid flowers, stared at their names etched in stone, allowed self-pity to consume me for a moment, and then I shed tears. I did all the things I was meant to do, but I hated every second of it, and I couldn't wait to leave. If I allowed my thoughts to dwell on the fact that they're all lying dead and decomposing beneath the ground, I'd bloody well puke.
Christ, I've done enough of that this year.
Finally, it was New Year's. We had a quiet one this time; just me, handsome and Oppa. I got pretty tipsy and managed to get Mr Intense Eyes in the sack twice, then we watched the fireworks from the back balcony. Edward whispered in my ear that he loves me, and I opened my mouth to tell him he was adorable but he beat me to it. He knows me too bloody well now.
"I'll be better this year—no more trauma," I promised him, turning my head to place my lips to his throat and taking in the smell of him. He was behind me; my back was resting against his chest, his arms wrapped around my shoulders, and it surprised me again how safe he made me feel.
"I'll love you no matter what," he replied, bending down to whisper in my ear, and before I even realised it I was crying.
I really do have the world's most amazing boyfriend, and I'm not sure what I did to deserve him.
Maybe fate's my friend, after all.
2018 was the worst and best year of my life, but I'm happy to see it end. I even feel a sense of anticipation for what's to come. I've never felt that way before. The New Year has always been welcomed in with a sense of dread. Not this year though, because the Isabella Swan melodrama is finally over.
Thank bloody Christ.
. . .
We've both got January off. Edward's on the school break and my boss gave me a whole dose of pity leave. I can only imagine Edward filled him in, but I found I wasn't so averse to it this time. Being at home with handsome all day is a pretty decent consolation to being stone broke. He only shaves once a week when he's on holidays, and Christ... If I hadn't witnessed it for myself dozens of times already I wouldn't believe it was possible for him to get even better looking.
"Let's go away somewhere..." he murmurs against my brow on a lazy Sunday a week after New Year's. We're in bed of course; we still have a lot of catching up to do.
"Where to?" I ask stretching sleepily and turning to press my face against the soft downy hair of his semi damp chest. Aramis cologne, musky wood, and sex. That's how he always smells. It's one constant aphrodisiac after another.
"Thailand?" he proposes, and I groan my opposition against him.
I still haven't forgotten the vile case of food poisoning I got there one faux happy family vacation.
He takes a breath and hums it in contemplation. "Bora Bora?"
"We live on the Pacific, handsome. Why spend money to see the same ocean I stare at every morning?"
"Where do you want to go?" He turns his head to me again, his five day old stubble dragging lusciously across my face.
"Somewhere cold. I haven't seen the snow since I was 14." January is when Sydney pulls out all stops to kill you. If it's not spiders and sharks, it's the bloody heat. Edward's already killed two Funnel Webs that decided to cross our back yard in search of a mate. I refuse to venture outside without gumboots during summer. Evil country.
"The last time I saw snow I was dying in the mountains," he says lightly, muffling his laughter gently through his nose.
"And I was dying in bloody RPA," I reply.
"Bella, Jesus..." I've upset him.
I huff shortly. "If I don't bloody laugh about it, I'll cry."
"It's not funny," he says lowly. "When I found you I thought you were dead."
"I know, you thought I tried to do myself in."
He releases a heavy breath and groans. "You're doing my bloody head in," he mutters.
"New York," I decide to sway him off the subject. I prefer him relaxed over broody any day, despite how nice the visual often tends to be.
"Too busy," he counters. "Italy."
"Egypt."
"Too...unstable," he says.
"Like us."
He sighs again like I'm completely exasperating him. I suspect I am. "Uluru."
I prop myself up on his chest. "You know how hot it'll be? Are you a masochist?"
I'm going out with you, aren't I?" he teases me, tipping my chin.
I pout. "That's not very nice."
Chuckling, he hooks his elbow around my neck and pulls me back down, pressing his burning lips to my temple. "Would you bloody decide already?"
"Hmm..." I contemplate it. "France."
"There's all kinds of riots going on over there at the moment," he fills me in, propping his hand behind his head.
"Christ! Well, I don't know then."
"New Zealand."
I tilt my head and consider it for a moment. I've never been. "Sure."
We leave ten days later.
Christ, New Zealand is beautiful. It's cool with snow peaked mountains everywhere you look, and bluer than blue ocean. We start out on the south island in Queenstown at Lake Wakatipu. I bungee jump off the Kawarau George Suspension Bridge with the Southern Alps behind us, while Edward watches looking like he's on the verge of an aneurysm. There's no way I can talk him around; he flat out refuses, but what a rush! I go again, and am prepared to go a third time when handsome drags me away.
We kayak on Lake Manapouri, go hiking in the Fiordland and Abel Tasman National Parks, and go whale watching at Kaikoura. Edward gets seasick; though, the sea is pretty rough. At night we stay in five star hotels because handsome has the privilege of never having to concern himself with money, so he doesn't. He never looks at price tags, and often times he'll whip out his platinum card while I'm clutching at my chest in shock. I might have been born into the one percent, but I've spent the last decade of my life far removed from it.
It's not as if Edward lives like he's close to being a bloody billionaire, though, and you can't exactly tell by looking at him. He's a school teacher—which still seems beyond all realms of bizarre—he doesn't wear designer labels, he gets his hair cut at barbers, and well, he lives with me in my small, detached, one bedroom, heritage listed—code for old—house. Though that Franck Muller watch of his has to have been well into the five—possibly six—digit price range. It was a graduation present from his grandfather he told me in the early days when I used to tease him about it.
Our next stop is the Aoraki National Park near Christchurch. The glaciers are amazing and the air so clean I barely need my inhaler. Christchurch itself is beautiful and we wander around the city for a couple of days before onto our next destination; Wellington on the North Island and then Rotorua. In the Whakarewarewa Geothermal Valley, we get a traditional Maori welcoming ceremony. A Maori woman pulls Edward up to dance and the poor man is in agony. He tries his best, but he's as tense as a Hitchcock movie and after it takes a lot to calm him down.
We do a lot of calming down, in fact. Our best calming down yet. You wouldn't even guess handsome has a pretty awful aversion to female beguilement anymore. He gets pretty adventurous with me, and rough. I like it when he's rough. Okay, rough might mean something a little different in Edward's vocabulary, but I'm not about to complain after what I've put him through.
Our last stop before heading home is the Bay of Islands.
Edward booked us in at the Eagles Nest hotel retreat, and after we arrive I stand in the foyer that overlooks the bay with my jaw hovering somewhere near my knees. It goes beyond five stars; it's bloody ridiculous, but considering Edward rarely appears to spend his money and this is our first holiday together, I give him a pass. Still, he really is overdoing it.
"Christ, handsome, how'd you even manage a booking?" I ask him after he picks up the keys to our private villa and we're heading back to the hire car.
He smiles to himself and bends down to reply, "My last name has a lot of sway in some places."
I only roll my eyes as he curves his arm around my shoulders and pulls me against his side.
We drive a couple of minutes down the road to the villa that sits on a ridgeline amidst the natural surroundings. There's a garage to the side, and after parking and grabbing our bags, Edward leads me toward the entrance. "Pop used to come here. A lot. And he was very generous," he elaborates after unlocking the front door and pushing it open for me to enter first.
"Have you been here before?" I ask, glancing around. It's opulent, but super modern. Contemporary; a lot like Edward's house.
"Once, when I was a kid," he answers coming in beside me and plodding our bags to the timber floor.
"Eagles Nest, somewhere between seven stars and heaven," I pick up the small business card on the hallstand and read it out loud, before flashing Edward a wry smirk. "Oh, look, it has a helipad, darling."
Christ, it really does.
Edward grins broadly as if he's fighting the urge to laugh. "Stop it."
The villa has three bedrooms, a kitchen, laundry, and a dining and living room that opens out onto the deck; separated by a wall of glass doors. Off the deck is a horizon-edged pool and spa, but the view...
"Wanna go for a swim?" Edward draws close behind me and murmurs in my ear. "It's heated."
"Hm..." I relax back against him for a moment before angling my head to plant my lips below his jaw. "Cozie-free?"
His laughter pushes softly through his nose and he drops his head and kisses my bared shoulder. "Okay."
"How you doing?" he asks me too apprehensively after we manage a clumsy quickie in the spa. The shower notwithstanding, sex in water really isn't as pleasurable as you imagine. It's awkward and you end up chafed and with it in your eyes.
We transferred to the pool after, for obvious reasons, and while I hang over the edge and gaze out over the bay, Edward comes behind me and wraps his arms around my shoulders.
"I'm doing fine," I say softly, tilting my head to the side to accommodate him as he nuzzles the side of my neck. I'm doing what my shrink ordered; I'm keeping the line of communication open with him. It's not that I even have to remind myself anymore. I had no idea how emancipating grief can really be; once you get over the initial hell, that is. Edward knows everything about me now. Everything, and he stayed right beside me.
"Want to go for a walk later?" he mumbles against my skin, his heated lips warming my flesh against the cool New Zealand air.
"Sure," I reply, closing my eyes.
Christ, you can actually order an Eagles Nest personal chef to come to your villa and cook you a five star meal. Which Edward does, and as the sun sets over the bay, we sit down to eat venison with a glass of red wine from the estate's vineyard.
After dinner we have a shower and make up for the disastrous spa venture—another bloody pair of heels ruined—and get dressed to go for a stroll. New Zealand summer temperatures are roughly the same as Sydney's winters, so I put on jeans and a cardigan and allow Edward to pull me along. He's gone all tense, his hand wrapped around mine clammy, and I start wondering...
A planked timber path leads from the villa up the hilltop through the foliage to a clearing and lookout. We walk along it slowly, taking in the view while the crisp, clean air washes over us. I haven't breathed better in my entire life, and I almost consider asking Edward to move us here.
"What's going on, handsome?" I finally put to him when he releases my hand to lean over the cliff-edge fencing. It's making me a little anxious actually, and grabbing his hand I pull him away. "Come back from there before you give me a heart attack."
He turns to me, and that little boy he's so good at being is suddenly staring back at me. "I can't ask you to kiss me first anymore, baby..."
"Huh...?" I say blankly. "What...?" And before I can speak another syllable he suddenly drops down to one knee. "Christ..." I whisper; in complete shock, I think. I thought I was prepared for this, but obviously I'm not.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a little black box, and then fumbling to open it, he holds it out to me; revealing a diamond that has to be at least four bloody carats. It's round cut and sits atop a white gold band. It's classic, but beautiful. Too much like the man holding it out to me.
"Will you marry me, Bella?" he asks in a hitched voice that's so incredibly sweet and unsure of himself that before I'm aware of it tears are spilling over and down my cheeks.
"Oh my god, Edward!" I burst, nodding my head before I can get that one word out. "Yes."
He's on his feet in an instant, and wrapping his arms around my waist he hoists me off the ground to kiss me. We kiss and giggle together like school girls for several moments, before as if he suddenly realises, Edward pulls the ring from the box and slides it over my third finger. It fits perfectly, and looking up from admiring it, I gaze at him suspiciously. "How did you..."
"Alice," he admits, grinning to himself before I can finish. "She stole this one"—he runs his finger over the signet ring I've worn on my right hand since I was eight—"and had it sized."
"When?"
"A couple of days before Christmas."
"That shrew! She completely poker-faced me." I half laugh to myself. Alice and Jazz dropped in for Christmas dinner and Alice didn't give a thing away."
"She promised me she wouldn't," he says with a deep sigh. Then moving me in front of him, he pulls me against him and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "You're never going to be alone again, baby," he bends down and whispers against my ear.
"Christ, Edward," I utter, becoming immediately choked again. "You're so bloody adorable—what the hell am I supposed to do with you?"
"You're supposed to marry me and let me spoil you rotten."
Reaching up I grab his arms and turn my head to face him. "And buy me babies?" I remind him, inhaling back my tears.
He breaks into a laugh and nods. "And buy you babies."
"Or...you can buy me a uterus..."
"What...?" he asks confused, tilting his head to meet my gaze.
"We can have a baby together, we just need someone to grow it."
"Ah..." A small smile tugs on his lips. "Okay, I'll buy you a uterus. I like that idea better."
"I do, too," I reply, releasing a momentous breath. "Christ what a year we've had..."
"What a year..." he echoes me, his tone dropping a fraction and turning serious. "By the way, Jazz"—he deliberately mock's my brother's stage name—"offered to give you away."
"Hmm...got it all worked out, haven't you," I say, turning to plant my lips just below his ear. "No throwing me a grotesquely expensive wedding, either. We want to avoid the social pages, remember?" He opens his mouth to respond when I quickly add, "Christ, can you imagine it? They'll have me painted as some kind of Cinderella story, and you'll be completely outed."
He laughs, his tone gentle, and he's suddenly more relaxed than I ever think I've seen him. "I'll leave all that up to you. When do you want to have it?"
"Spring," I reply. "I like spring. Spring is when a ridiculously gorgeous guy from my past suddenly walked back into my life."
"Bella..." he complains with a feigned groan. "You have to stop that. I can never live up to your expectations of me."
"Expectations?" I glance up at him, arching a dubious brow. "You are so dense sometimes, handsome."
I cool wind sweeps over us, and I shiver. Edward pulls me further against him. He's quiet for a moment, and it's obvious his thoughts are straying.
"What?" I ask him, my gaze steeled to the lights from all the boats drifting on the bay.
"I need you to do something for me, baby." His voice is almost serious and when I turn to glance at him a troubled expression is etching into his brow.
"Anything for my future husband." I grab his chin, and a small smile immediately tugs on his lips.
"Can you talk to Ness for me? For Jake, I mean..." His eyes meet mine.
"Sure, but Christ, what happened?"
"Shit hit the fan is what happened." He sounds suddenly frustrated and there's a bitter edge to his tone.
"Okay... You going to tell me?"
He releases an arm from around me to rub at his forehead. "Jake told his parents he wants to marry her. His father immediately said 'no' and told him if he didn't end it with her he'll be thrown out of the company and disinherited."
"Christ..." I whisper. "What an arsehole! Ness is lovely!"
"Yeah," Edward mumbles. "Anyway, Jake threw a fit and told his old man to 'fuck his company and fuck his money' and then he threatened to go to the papers and tell them what elitist, snob bastards they are. In retaliation his old man threatened to ruin Ness's life." I gasp, and Edward quickly continues, "Jake knocked him out. Stone cold, and his old man had him arrested."
"What?" I utter in complete shock.
"Yeah, he pressed charges. I bailed him out..."
"Christ, Edward... So what happened with Ness?—she got spooked?"
"She got spooked all right," he mutters. "She freaked out that Jake chose her over his family and money. She's convinced he'll eventually resent her, so she ended it."
"Oh my god..." I sigh. "Don't worry, I'll speak to her."
"Thanks, baby." He releases a heavy breath. "Jake's in a bad way. I'm paying for his lawyer. It's your boss."
"Marcus?" I put to him, quickly glancing back at him.
"Yeah." He almost smirks.
"Good. He's a man-eater, and he loves taking on big wigs like Jake's old man."
"That's why I hired him." He tightens his arms around me and drops his chin to the top of my head, humming softly.
"Why didn't you tell me, anyway?" I break the momentary silence.
"You were dealing with too much," he murmurs in reply.
"I would have welcomed the distraction."
"I didn't want you distracted. You needed to see it to the end."
I huff. "I really need to get a new shrink. The two of you are ganging up on me," I say wryly.
I suspect he smiles to himself as his breath shoots from his nose like it often does; in silent amusement at my expense.
"I've decided to sell the house," Edward informs me as we make our way back to the villa. "I'm going to give half to Jake. I'd give him all of it, but he'd never accept it."
"You are such a sweetheart," I say, snuggling against his side.
"Jake never wanted to be in business, anyway. You know what he wants to be?"
"What?"
"A mechanic." He laughs beneath his breath.
"I think this unorthodox lifestyle you lead is infecting everyone, handsome," I tease him.
"That's a good thing, right? He suddenly sounds uncertain.
"Of course it is. You're the only poor, rich guy on the North Shore who wants to marry someone even poorer."
*Cozie/cozies - swimming costumes.
A/N: thanks for reading :)