CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

Over the Rainbow.

Mark repeated his question, asking if I really wanted this to be over and I was torn. Everything said we wouldn't work, but the one thing that confused the issue was the thing in my chest that had been long dormant and it started yelling louder than I have ever heard it before.

"I can't think, Mark. I need to think this through." My head was scrambling for answers and all it got me were more questions. Should I go with what's right? Or what feels right?

"Well why don't you try talking it through with me. You might find it helps." Mark took the cup out of my hand and brushed my hair out of my eyes. I wish he wouldn't do that. It confuses me. "Tell me your reasons for us not being together and I'll try to talk you out of it!" His charming smile confused me too but I couldn't hide the giggle that fell from me.

"OK. There are lots of reasons why we wouldn't work and it won't be easy for you to hear. I don't want you to get angry with me." I'm sure it was only the tip of the iceberg I saw last night as he yelled and called me names and I really didn't want to see what lay beneath the now calm waters.

Mark tried to persuade me his temper would remain under control and that I had nothing to be scared of, but it didn't put me at ease.

I finished my cup of tea while I thought about how to word things to keep him calm, and in going over everything, I knew my reasons were right.

"Before you talk to me, can you answer me something, sweetheart?" Sweetheart? It was the first time today Mark had used any pet name, and as infuriated as I used to be with it, I felt my whole body warm to hear it again. "Do you believe me when I tell you I love you?" No.

"I just don't understand how someone can feel that way after only a few days. Sorry, Mark, but I don't really believe you." Sorry again. I was being sorry a lot over the past few days and that had to be a factor in weighing things up. I never apologise for anything.

Mark looked put out at first, but a smile crept across his lips. "It hasn't been a few days. I met you months ago remember? I guess you've just been kind of creeping in since day one!" He took my hand in his and it felt right. "I'm not some kid who confuses a crush. I know what I feel and you have to believe me one day because I'm not going to stop feeling it." He loves me?

I looked in his eyes and I saw the emotion that lay behind them. I did believe he thinks he loves me, but I still couldn't accept it. 'No one could ever love you' The words from my childhood grew up with me. The older I got, the more I believed it. No one can love my darkness. My darkness can never love anyone.

"I did mean what I said yesterday. I can't say it back and I don't know if I ever will be able to." I couldn't even bring myself to say 'those three words' in a sentence. Mark's arms dropped and his head followed suit. He walked away from me and began to pace. Why do I have to keep talking?

"Can you tell me why?" Mark looked for some sort of hope in me but I had none to give.

"People say it without thinking. It's said in a hurry on the way out the door, it's said as a quick goodbye on the phone, it's said because someone has said it to you and it's the response you should give and it's said without stopping and fully realising what you have in your life. I won't say it until I am ready to surrender my soul to someone. If I ever say it, then it will be because I truly feel it and intend to feel it for the rest of my life but I don't think I'm capable of that. I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than you think I should, and I'm making it sound like the entire fabric of the universe will change, but it would for me. It would change me completely." What would happen?

I was so sure I was falling for Mark last night as I sat watching the rain, but nothing happened. My darkness didn't envelop me, my head didn't explode...So what would happen? Would my darkness leave and never come back? A moment of hope that I could get my 'one day' quickly vanished. I am my darkness. I proved that last night. There is no hope.

Mark had been quiet for a while and the silence was deafening. "Are you OK?" I had to speak because I couldn't take the silence any more. I was going crazy.

"I don't know." Mark hung his head and then looked up at me with a sort of smile that I couldn't define. "I understand what you're saying and I think you're right, I had never thought about how people take 'those words' for granted and I suppose I should learn to appreciate what it means, but I can't understand how you can tell me with any certainty that you can't feel that? Love is love and it's not something you can chose from a brochure, it's something that happens and it's something you can't control."

"But that's the problem. I have to be in control." Mark questioned why, but I thought that was painfully obvious. Quite literally! "You felt yourself what happens when I lose it." I pointed to his face and he subconsciously rubbed his cheek. "If I can't keep my emotions in check and I lose my temper...I scare myself."

I became my mother.

"I'll just have to make sure I don't piss you off any more then!" Mark tried to laugh it off and it did feel a bit patronising, but I couldn't really expect him to understand the reasons or the true extent of things.

"We haven't been one day without pissing each other off. I'm hungry." I did a complete U-turn in subject change and Mark took my hand and walked me back in the house.

I made us both a sandwich and another drink and we sat opposite each other at the kitchen table.

"No you have refuelled, what else do you want to tell me?" Mark picked my plate up from in front of me and placed it in the sink. I need to wash those pots. "I'll do the dishes later." He can still read my mind!

"There are just so many reasons this wouldn't work, I mean you'd be three thousand miles away!" Mark brought me a bar of chocolate but I pushed it away. "I don't really like chocolate."

"See how talking helps? I'm learning something new about you everyday!" Mark laughed and I had to admire his optimism. "Anyway, if distance bothers you that much, you could always move to Texas!" Mark smiled as he bit into his bar of chocolate and I didn't know if he was being serious, but that was definitely not going to happen.

"That's a daft idea. I would never leave here. Ever." I was a bit too harsh in my response and Mark's light mood had all but gone. Crap. Me and my mouth. But it was a stupid idea and he shouldn't be joking around with something like that.

"Well it was just a thought, but now I know not to ask again." Mark took a mouthful of his coffee and I didn't know what to make of the conversation. Was he being serious? I can't leave here. "What else?"

I thought back to last night at the bar. How Michelle looked at him and how he spoke to her. I also thought about how she looked and it made me wonder if he wanted me at all.

"I don't trust you." It came out a little less tactful than I intended, but the point still had to be made. Mark paused, mid sip, and his eyes widened.

"Don't trust me? In what way?" Oh sod it. In for a penny...

"Tell me about your wife." It made me a little angry that last night made me question my image. I didn't really care how I looked, I was happy and that's all that mattered, but knowing Mark had slept with a carbon copy of all the diva's gave my self esteem a little knock.

Mark made some comment about not having a wife and thought he was being charming again until he saw I wasn't in the mood for his charm. Then things got even more complicated.

"Which wife do you want to know about?"

"How many have you had?" I was shocked and never really thought Mark was the type to repeatedly marry, he always seemed grounded in that respect.

"Two. I thought you knew that." He didn't look like he was trying to get a reaction from me, so I let it slide. I shook my head and Mark started telling me about wife number one and wife number two's personalities.

"I don't mean their life story, I mean describe them to me." Mark looked a bit puzzled as to my demand, but he did as I asked.

"Well. Jodie is about yea high..." Mark made a slashing gesture half way up his biceps "...she was slim built but put on weight after giving birth...er...brown eyes...blonde hair...I don't know what else." Mark shrugged his shoulders then started telling me about Sara. "Sara is taller than Jodie, she's just a bit shorter than you and she likes to train hard. She pushes herself too hard in the gym sometimes. She has brown eyes, blonde hair and she's kind of a tom boy. Why are you asking this?"

Blonde Jodie, blonde Sara, blonde Michelle. I was tempted to ask about cosmetic surgery too, but I think hearing outright that Mark liked Barbie dolls would piss me off more than I would like.

"Describe Michelle to me." I was getting very agitated at how he could make me question my confidence with the opposite sex. I was in no way vain, but I never had any self doubt in that respect.

"You met her, you've seen her on TV, what the fuck is this all about?" Mark was getting agitated too, but then his face scrunched and he hung his head. "Is this because of last night? Because I never slept with her...it was weeks ago."

"Just describe her." I realised my annoyance was shining through my voice, but this was tough to hear.

"Fine. She's tall, she's blonde, she's..."

"Do you notice you're repeating yourself?" I kind of felt like a trail lawyer who had made a witness slip up in their testimony.

Mark thought about it for a while before the penny dropped. "You think that's my type? You think that's what I look for in a woman?"

I made it clear that he made it clear and he laughed at me! Bastard. "What's so funny? I'm just going on what I know."

"I'm twice divorced, so clearly my 'type' isn't working for me is it? And you forget something in your little concoction of my type...I broke it off with tall, blonde Michelle when you called me. I broke up with her for you." Crap...he's got me there... "Is that why you say you don't trust me? You think I'll sleep with Michelle when I go back to work?"

"Not just Michelle...shit..." I really should forget how to speak. Mark asked what I really wanted to say and there simply was no 'get out' for this. I had to give him the full onslaught of my confidence knock.

"Every woman that you've described to me looks like every diva on the roster and I know you work away for months on end, it would be impossible for me not to be..." Stop talking Sarah!

"Jealous?" Mark looked rather pleased with himself and I could almost imagine him doing a happy dance.

"Fuck you." He was right, but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. And this felt oddly familiar!

Mark got up from his seat and came and pulled my chair out with me still sat on it. "Hey!" He knelt in front of me and rested his hands on my legs.

"I would tell you you're being silly, but I can see this is a problem for you. Regardless of what you think my type is, I don't cheat. EVER. I hated being with Sara some times but I never once got tempted by any one else." Mark looked sincere and I wanted to believe him, I really did. "Actually. I did get tempted once. I met a woman backstage a while ago and I swear I had never seen anyone so beautiful in my life and I wished I wasn't married because I really wanted to take her to my hotel room and show her how much she turns me on. In fact, I had to run off because I wanted her so much." Count to ten...Hang on. He said turns me on. As in present context..better make it ten thousand...

"How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel better? You're such a fucking idiot." I tried to get up, but Mark held me firmly to my chair.

"Because that woman is you. You're the only one who had ever tempted me. You're the only one who will ever tempt me." Mark planted a kiss on my lips and I was in disbelief. "You want me to show you what you do to me?" Mark kissed me again and I responded this time.

I felt him open the buttons on my blouse and his hand slipped in, lightly caressing what ever part of my chest he could touch. Goodbye sanity...

I couldn't keep my hands off him either. I lifted his top above his head and went right back to kissing him, it drove me wild how good of a kisser he is and I was in danger of becoming dependent.

Mark whispered lots of things in my ear as his hands continued their tour of my body but then he stopped everything. "Do you still want this to be over?" No. Yes. I don't know.

I had to push Mark away, he confused what seemed so simple seconds ago.

"Maybe we could work on the distance thing and maybe I could trust you, but it still doesn't change the fact I may not ever feel that way for you." I just had to be honest. I reiterated what I told him before about being confused since he got here and that's all I could do, there wasn't any answer I could give and I couldn't give him a time frame of when or if I'd be a regular person with regular feelings.

I went to the sink and poured a glass of water to rehydrate my dry mouth. Honesty didn't taste very nice.

Mark's hands pulled my by my waist and turned me around.

"Well I suppose I just have to take a leap of faith then." He kissed me lightly and the once cold thing that lay in my chest started to warm and started to beat again. The darkness curled it's self into a ball and went into hibernation. "Promise me you will let me in." He kissed me once more and it felt like the world had stopped turning. "Let me in here." He placed a gentle kiss on my chest and I couldn't fight how good it felt.

He looked right into my eyes and brushed my hair out of my face. My old friend nuclear fusion reared it's head and I couldn't hide the the smile Mark always managed to make me smile.

"Promise me you will stop with all of this defensive stuff and from now on tell me what's going on with you because it's not just you now sweetheart. It's us." I looked into his beautiful green eyes and I could see he was serious about this. I could also see that just maybe I had a 'one day' to look forward to.

"I promise to try." I reached up to kiss him and I hoped he would accept my promise. A promise to me was as good as a legal document and I took it as seriously.

It wasn't long before both of us were almost fully undressed and reaching fever pitch. The kind of thing that usually happens in the bedroom was now happening on the kitchen worktop and up against the fridge and it was the kind of thing that I could so easily become addicted to. We were more than ready for the final act. Mark lifted me up and rested me down on the table, pushing my thighs apart and I needed him to finish things, to put us both out of our sweet misery.

"Wait." I thought I heard a noise, but I didn't recognise what it was.

"You want to be on top? That's more than fine with me!" Mark chuckled and sat on a chair, waiting for me to jump on.

"Kiddo? You in?" Alex?

"Who the Hell is that?" Mark asked while scrambling to find his jeans.

"He's not due back for three days."

"Kiddo?" Alex's voice was getting closer to the kitchen and I pulled my trousers on faster than I ever had but I had no clue where my knickers were.

I pulled my blouse on and hurriedly tried to button it as I went to the living room door to find Alex about to walk into the kitchen.

"Are you in the middle of something?" Alex looked at my haphazardly buttoned blouse and it was all buttoned wrong.

"Actually, something was about to be in the middle of me." I heard Mark laugh from the kitchen and Alex looked more than curious.

"You got someone here?" Alex tried to peer around me, but he was shorter than I so couldn't quite manage it.

"Why are you back early?" I changed the subject and I didn't realise how rude I was being.

"Well I missed you too, kiddo. Sorry to interrupt you're little party of two, but I flew for twenty six hours to talk to you. It's really important." Oh God. He's flew from Hong Kong to tell me something.

I felt dread like I felt when Christopher didn't have much time and I felt sick. "OK...Just let me..."

I went to the kitchen and Mark was standing by the sink, now fully clothed. "What's wrong sweetheart? You look like you've seen a ghost." Mark came over and held my hand, giving me support when neither of us knew if I needed it.

"Alex wants to talk to me, he's flown all this way to tell me something and I'm a bit worried." I told Mark how I was feeling and it was a first step to opening up.

"I'm right here, sweetheart." Mark kissed the top of my head and held me in his arms. Right where I fit perfectly.

"Who the Hell are you?" Alex called and I turned to see the puzzled look on his face.

"Sorry. Alex, this is Mark."

"I didn't mean him. I meant you. Who the Hell are you?" Alex looked kind of amused and kind of confused. I suppose I could understand why, I wasn't the most tactile of people and I don't think Alex has once seen my really happy. Happy! I smiled at him and then the knowledge of why he was here tore me from my happiness.

"Don't be daft! Now what is it you want to tell me?" I walked over to the kitchen table and took a seat. I had a feeling I would need to be sat down for this. Alex looked to Mark then looked to me, his brown eyes asking if I wanted him to be here for this. "What ever you have to say, you can say in front of Mark." Alex looked puzzled to see me this way again, and I couldn't really blame him. Alex sat next to me and said six words that would change my life forever. Six words that made me human again.

"Ding dong the witch is dead."