You learn to take your coffee black, you learn to drink your whiskey neat. You learn to take a shower cold, and sleep on tired feet...Idina's mind wanders to the concern evident in James' eyes throughout today's rehearsal, especially when he looks at her. Living without something, or someone, rather, isn't a foreign concept to Idina. Often it feels more foreign for someone to actually stick around, and for her to actually let me them. Today she sings the song in mourning, all of the people she lost, the ones who left, the ones she pushed away. James. Her heart and mind battle whether to let him stay or push him away. No. Better to let him go than to later watch him run, taking more of her with him. She agonizes if she's made the right decision. Something inside her dies a bit every time she pushes him farther away inside. She vows no more crying on his shoulder, no more sharing her secrets. No more. Her heart aches. No more. Her throat clogs. Tears stream down her face as she pours all out of herself . You learn to live and die and then to live. You learn to live without. You learn to live without. Learn to live without anyone, she tells herself as she pauses before the resolution. You learn to live without. She forces her eyes to dry as she covers up her brokenness with strength. She rushes off backstage to prepare to reenters for the next scene.
"Holy frick, Idina. I think that's the best you've ever sang that song!" Idina throws Jenn a small smile and hopes its believable enough as she slips into the other wing and projects confidence entering back on stage. No wonder people think I'm such a good actress, Idina thinks cynically. It's because I get so much practice off stage. What a filthy hypocrite. She finishes the rehersal with the same passion and drive as always, disappearing into her head before the last chord is even released. Her head hangs as she walks back to her dressing room. James calls her name, voice full of confusion and longing and concern, but she pretends not to hear. She'll learn to live without.