Challenge 36: Unread Letters

[Fabrevans]

Sam Evans sat in class turning his pen around between his fingers. While astronomy was one of his favorite classes, he was having trouble focusing on the lesson his stout, balding teacher was trying to convey. He wasn't the only one; The boy with the long hair that covered his eyes next to him was creating an elaborate doodle while the girl to his right had already filled a page of her notebook with a note she was now discreetly passing to her friend. They weren't helping his case too much. Their teacher moved to the chalk board and Sam rifled through his bag for a notebook, stopping when he noticed a thick pink one that had been shoved in the middle of his pile. He took it out and immediately noticed the carefully scribbled letters over its cover; S&Q. A familiar pang set in his heart and he turned the book over in his hands, letting his mind soak in the writing. His teacher cleared his throat and he opened the book, taking out a pen and preparing to write. As he bent over the first page he realized it was filled with the same curly writing that had covered the first page. Looking up to see that his teacher wasn't watching, he began with the first line.

Day one;

We just started dating. I don't know how it happened, but at one point I was standing in front of your locker with my nail file, smiling in satisfaction as I heard the lock click open. It was at that point that I realized my agenda. It was at that point that I realized I was truly continuing to fall more and more in love with you. I know the feeling, I've felt variations of it with other guys before. Or at least, I thought I felt it before. Nothing's ever come close to this, and when I slip your ring on my finger it just feels right, as if it belongs there. I want to get to know you, I want to know everything about you. Some day, maybe I'll show this to you and we'll laugh together. Maybe it'll be when we're old and frail, sitting on a porch swing with our grandchildren running around us.

I can already picture a future with you. I can already see everything we can be, and it scares me, this variation of love. It's one that I can't control, one that keeps me awake with the memories of the things you've said to me, or the way you've looked at me. Just writing the word sends shivers down my spine, makes my knees go weak. It's the type of fear that makes me want to keep going rather than run away, because I know you could never hurt me. It's a strange kind of fear, but I'm getting used to it. The fact that you love me helps even more.

His teacher was still unfocused but class was over, the people surrounding him gathering their stuff. He closed the notebook but kept it out, slinging his bag over his shoulder and holding the book close as he made his way over to his truck. The sun was bright and unwelcoming and he scoffed at it, still in a bit of a daze from the book. His eyes were glazed and unfocused, only wishing to be connected to blue pen, notebook paper, and the curly, feminine writing he missed so much.

Day seven:

Happy one week, Sammy. I'm so proud to be your girlfriend. You've made my life so much better by just being around. I'm so lucky I get to see you every day. Every time you stop me in the hallway to kiss me or just tell me I look beautiful I melt a little inside. You make me feel happy, you make me feel worth something. I've never really felt that before.

Since I'm not sure you'll ever really see this, I'll let you in on a little secret. I've self-harmed before. I've had those days where all I want to do is die, because I feel as though I'm not worth anything. It hurt, Sam. I promised myself I'd never do it again because I never wanted to feel anything like that ever again. I sat on the bathroom floor for what seems like hours just trying to stop the bleeding. I didn't even get that deep. That made me feel worse. I just kept thinking 'I can't even do this right. Why am I on this Earth?'

That's the one thing I've always wondered, even in situations where I've felt the most happy, or when I've had the most joy in my heart. I've always wondered why I'm here, what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I still don't know, but I can say this; Somewhere in all of this confusion, you came along. I'm not sure how or why, but I know it was meant to be. I think it was fate that brought you to me in my roughest time, when I just didn't want to live anymore. Fate brought you to save me, Sammy. I couldn't be more thankful for your presence in my life. Thank you for being with me, Sam. Thank you for saving me.

As he went on, he saw every little aspect of their relationship from her eyes; their first date, the first time they kissed. He understood her now more than he ever had before, and as her soft, soothing voice narrated in his head he played each story back accordingly. Looking through her eyes made him feel different, his new bedroom shrinking in size to accommodate his sinking heart. Birds chirped outside of his window and each happy sound made him feel as if he was being personally victimized, a stab traveling straight to his heart.

…A While After;

I've said 'I'm sorry too much, Sam. Believe me, I know. I understand that you can't forgive me, because I've done everything wrong. You were and still are the best thing that's ever happened to me, I just want you to remember that. Through everything I knew you were the one who'd support me, the one who'd make sure I was ok. After I told you about the cutting and the one-time suicide attempt you stayed with me to make sure I was ok. You are truly amazing.

I miss your good morning texts and the sweet voicemails you leave me at night. I still haven't deleted them-that would mean it would sincerely be over. I'm not ready to face that fact yet. I know I've done a lot of things, and I don't exactly have the best track record, but it will always be you, Sam. Always. I miss your smile and your kisses, and I miss the way I felt so warm and safe when you hugged me. I wish I wasn't so screwed up. I wish I could be the type of girl who is good enough for you, but I know in my heart that I'm not. I have too much baggage, and you were nice enough to take that on without questioning me. At this point I wish you had, though. I wouldn't have hurt you that way.

The page was laced with soaked-in tear stains, the pen smudging in places and making it almost impossible to read. He hadn't known she had been sincere. Hell, at that point he hadn't known anything. He had been blinded by the way she made him feel, until even talking to her had become a painful affair. He couldn't help but think that all of this was his fault; the breakup, 'Samcedes,' the move. He had hurt her in more ways she had ever hurt him, and he felt awful and betrayed and confused all at once. She still moved him even though she'd broken his heart into one million pieces. As his eyes completed the last line he blinked back unshed tears, a realization forming in his heart. A piece of himself still remained in Ohio, sitting in the too-large, rich girl house she shared with her mother. Turning the page he was met with more writing, unexpected after their break-up.

I heard.

I heard you were moving. Mercedes told me. She's been telling me a lot lately. I guess that's what being friends is about. She told me about your relationship. Well, your past relationship. I'm glad you found someone who could make you happy, Sam. Even if you had to move back to Tennessee. I miss you, Sam. More than ever. I thought that your being gone would make things easier, but it's only made things worse. I can't go a day without thinking about you, and its making me sick. I want to stop, but I can't. I know I did you wrong but I love you, I'll always love you. I still have the voicemails on my phone and the love songs you recorded for our anniversary in my CD player. Hearing your voice makes the fact that you've gone almost unbelievable. I still know you have, though, because I've driven by that same motel room in hopes you'll still be there. There's usually no cars there, not even your trusty old pickup truck. Everything's so different without you, so boring.

I'm leaving this with you in hopes that you'll read it. That's all I really want you to do. Some of these things are what I've wanted to say to you since the day we broke up, and I don't know, I just really think you should have it. Think of it as entertainment in Tennessee, something to remember good old Lima by.

I really miss you. I love you beyond anything I've ever felt before. Remember that.

~Quinn

Quinn,

I'm mailing this back to you, but not because I don't want it. I read every single line on every single page. I'm so sorry, Quinn. I never wanted any of this to happen. As much as I was hurt before, trying to see other girls made me realize that there aren't any other girls, only you. I was too stupid to realize that before I left, and now I'm just afraid you've forgotten all about me. I definitely haven't forgotten about you.

I miss the way you were so caring, the way you had me wrapped around your finger and didn't know it. I miss seeing how beautiful you looked in my letterman's jacket or one of my oversized t-shirts, and the way you said you were cold when I knew you just wanted to wear my sweatshirt. I miss your laugh and your voice, and the little things we used to do together that made our relationship what it was. Most of all, I just miss you. Yesterday I came home from work thinking I was feeling homesick, so I called Puck and Finn and then Artie, but nothing worked. I looked at pictures from the old house and then from the motel room, but it was still the same. Finally, I came across a picture of us and I felt that sort of pain you get in your stomach when you feel like your heart's been broken and it hit me; I just miss you. If you want to, you can call me. I just really need to hear your voice again.

I still love you, it's impossible for me to stop loving you. No matter what happens, I'll never forget you Lucy Quinn Fabray.

~Sam