Chapter Thirty Four

Karen Desai jerked to startled attention when Kyle Masterson entered the cramped space that served as her son's hospital room. "You got here fast," she remarked in an unemotional tone, "I'm surprised the nurses let you back here. They're very strict with their visitation policy."

"All I had to do was flash my badge and tell them that it was official police business."

She craned a look over his shoulder. "Where are the girls?"

"I was already here in the hospital when they received your call," Kyle explained, "Tess and Judy are bringing them tonight."

"Good. Good. I'm glad they will be here." She favored her unconscious son with a bittersweet smile. "He'd want that. I think maybe he's been waiting for them this entire time."

"Is this really the only option?" Kyle wondered.

Karen had been asking herself the same question for days now. In the very beginning, she had maintained her hope that Danny would recover despite the depressing diagnosis he'd been handed by his doctors. He was young and strong and he still had so much left to accomplish. She couldn't allow herself to believe that his life, which had already been fraught with so much turmoil and injustice, could end at the tender age of sixteen. Gradually, however, as one day began to bleed into another, Karen's hope began to dwindle and dwindle until it was finally obliterated altogether and replaced with despair.

For an entire week, she had watched the doctors and nurses push medication after medication to help Danny maintain his body's most basic functions. At first, he had needed something to rid his body of excess fluid, then later he was medicated with a drug to strengthen the contractions of his heart which then prompted the need for steroids to relax his lungs in order to aid in the oxygenation of his body. Finally, when they began giving him medicine to increase and maintain his blood pressure, Karen could no longer shield herself in denial.

Even without any medical expertise, she could discern that they were nearing the end of a very painful journey. Danny's body was beginning to shut down and his medical team was only prolonging the inevitable. She had come to the conclusion long before the doctors approached her with the idea of "comfort care" that her only child was going to be lost to her. Karen had been struggling to make her peace with that knowledge ever since.

Presently, however, she shrugged lightly in response to Kyle Masterson's question. "We've exhausted all of our options," she recounted in a dull tone, "He's not making any improvements. He's not responding favorably to the meds. He's not waking up. His doctors said that I have the option of placing a tracheostomy because they expect he might be on the ventilator long-term but... I know my son. His freedom means a great deal to him. He wouldn't want to spend what time he has left confined to a bed and hooked to a machine." Her voice broke on the last of that, her words becoming garbled with unshed tears.

"I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Karen."

"I am too. I wish I didn't have to make this decision at all."

The truth of it was, Karen Desai simply wasn't ready to let go. In spite of her claim of knowing her son well, Karen was also painfully aware of the parts of Danny that had remained secret from her. Only days before, Jo had confirmed for her what had only proven to be a vague theory before...Danny hadn't killed his Aunt Tara. It had all been Vikram's doing. It filled her with anguish to think of how vulnerable and alone Danny must have felt, how trusting he must have been of Vikram to agree to and cooperate with such a horrible lie. Vikram's betrayal must have scarred him deeply. It was little wonder that Danny had struggled so tremendously with trusting people, most especially her.

But Karen couldn't lay the blame completely at Vikram's feet. She had done more than enough damage to Danny by being a neglectful and thoughtless mother. She had failed to protect him from those who meant to do him harm and for that reason he suffered in prison for five years...for that reason he lay dying on a hospital stretcher in a remote hospital far from his home and his friends. Karen would never allow herself to forget that she had done her part to set those events in motion and, as long as she lived, she would never absolve herself of the guilt either. Danny's blood would always be on her hands and she would carry that to her grave.

Kyle surveyed her with a helpless stare, watching as a swirling mixture of guilt, anger and grief flickered across Karen's pale features. He couldn't read her thoughts but he had a pretty good idea what was going through her mind right then. Kyle had never seen her look so lost before, not when Danny was taken away five years ago and not when Vikram left her either. He knew that was because he was looking at a woman who truly believed she had lost everything worthwhile.

She stared down at her son with a vacant expression, her eyes darting across his still features constantly as if she were memorizing the lines of his face. Her quiet grief only served to make Kyle all the more aware of the hushed, mechanical hiss of Danny's ventilator and the rhythmic beeping of his heart monitor. It was a dismal reminder that his own child could have very well been the one lying in that bed right then. The thought chilled him. Consequently, Kyle was compelled, almost to the point of anxiety, to fill the silence with something else.

"I heard the Bureau is willing to make restitution to you. That's something, at least."

"Yes," she confirmed with a embittered turn of her lips, "They've offered me quite a bit of money in exchange for my silence though they've been clever enough to label it as compensation for my tragedy. On the bright side, it will be more than enough to cover Danny's funeral expenses so that shouldn't be an issue."

The unreserved acrimony in her words provoked a pained wince from Kyle. "Oh, Karen..."

"Why did you come here today, Kyle?" she demanded in a stoic tone, "You didn't come with the girls so what do you want?"

Kyle spread out his arms before him in a helpless gesture. "I don't know, Karen...to make up for the past, to make this better for you somehow..."

"Unfortunately, you can't do either one and I'm not interested in soothing your guilty conscience."

"That's not what I'm after. I just feel like we should all band together at a time like this," he insisted, "We're all grieving and we need each other's support to make it through this tragedy."

"No, Kyle. I'm the one who is grieving. It's my tragedy. My child is the one who's dying right now," Karen sneered, "You get to watch yours grow up to have a future and maybe start a family some day. I get to put mine in the ground. What we're feeling isn't remotely the same!"

His winced with every single word she spat, feeling pummeled by her grief with each utterance. "I know there is very little that I can say to you that you would find comforting, Karen," he acknowledged in a gruff voice, "In fact, anything I say will probably sound incredibly trite given how stubbornly I've pursued Danny in these last few months but... You shouldn't be alone. This is too much to bear on your own."

"What choice do I have? I am alone. Danny is..." she paused with a hitching breath, amending gruffly, "...was all I had left."

"That's not true," Kyle refuted, "You have Jo and Lacey. Those girls love you very much and they love Danny. I can't speak for Judy but Tess and I want you to be in Jo's life. You're going to need each other in the coming months."

He waited with baited breath, half expecting her to reject him but she nodded towards an empty seat instead. "You can sit with me if you want."

They didn't share much in the way of conversation after that. It was mostly compulsory, stilted small talk. Yet, in spite of the awkwardness, Karen did receive a tiny measure of comfort from Kyle's presence. It was enough for her not to feel so alone as she contemplated one of the worst decisions of her life. She had someone to shoulder her grief, even if that particular someone had caused her son more headaches than happiness in the past.

"What do you think you'll do...afterwards?" Kyle asked. He hesitated to say "after Danny was gone" but they both knew that was what he meant.

"I don't know," Karen replied with a mirthless grunt of laughter, "Maybe I'll travel around the world or find a hobby. I guess I should probably get a job and make myself useful somehow. Who knows? Maybe I'll just adopt ten cats and become that weird, reclusive lady who lives down the street."

"You're too young and energetic to withdraw from life that way. You still have a lot to offer."

"I don't need your pity flattery. Let's be real, Kyle," she scoffed, "We both know that you always thought I was nothing more than a vapid drunk. I know you looked down your nose at me."

"That's not true."

"It's true," she refuted without acrimony, "You thought I was a mess and you were right. I was vapid. I was a drunk. And, most of all, I was a coward. I was trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage with a man who made it clear to me that if I left him there was no way I'd ever see my son again and I never stood up to him. I never even tried to take Danny and run. Instead, I drank myself into incoherence." She peered at Kyle thoughtfully. "Do you have any idea how it feels to love and resent your child at the same time?"

"Karen, don't do this to yourself."

"I blamed Danny because I was stuck with a man I hated. I blamed him because he was always going to tie me to Vikram and I neglected him because of it and look what happened. That's why I'm losing my child...because I never deserved him in the first place. I'm being punished."

"I don't believe that. Your grief is skewing your judgment."

"Spare me your platitudes, please," Karen choked, "I'm done lying to myself, Kyle. The Desai family has always been really masterful at deception. Lies are our specialty, especially when it comes to ourselves. But now I'm sitting here thinking about all those wasted years with Danny...years I stupidly thought I'd have time to make up for after he came home. Silly me, huh? And he and I were just finally starting to get to this good place..."

"I wish I could do something to fix this for you, Karen."

"And I wish you had fought for him when it mattered!" she flared back angrily.

Kyle made no effort to defend himself against her accusation. "So do I."

Karen bit back an aggrieved moan. "I don't suppose there's any point in assigning blame," she sighed, her fury quickly replaced with hopelessness, "There's plenty of it to go around, especially for myself. In the end, it won't change anything. It won't help Danny and it won't make this decision I have to make any easier."

"You have every right to hate me, Karen. I don't blame you."

"I don't have room inside of me for hate," she told him, "I'm too tired, Kyle and I'm too scared because I don't know what's going to happen after he's gone...not to me and not to the girls. I know that Jo will be okay eventually. She has a good support system with you and Tess. You'll see her through it. But Lacey doesn't have that. In a lot of ways, she and Danny have been everything to each other. Part of me is terrified that when he goes, he'll take us both with him, one way or another."

"Lacey is a strong, resilient girl," Kyle said, "It will be hard but, she'll get through it. You both will get through it because you'll support each other. You can't give up and you can't let her give up."

"That's like expecting one drowning person to save another."

"And that's what my family is here for, Karen...we won't let either of you drown."

She had just finished nodding her acknowledgment of that when the chief physician on Danny's case, Dr. Rettmann, wrapped lightly on the glass pane of Danny's door. "Mrs. Desai?" Karen glanced up just as he slipped into the room. "Is now a good time for us to talk?"

Her most immediate reaction was to refuse him. After all, Karen wasn't naive. She knew very well what he wanted to discuss with her. However, she also knew that avoiding him would not render the discussion moot either. Running from it would only prolong the inevitable. With that in mind, Karen's inhaled a painful, shuddering breath and nodded her consent. "Sure. It's a good time. I'm ready."

Dr. Rettmann directed a wary glance over at Kyle, who fidgeted anxiously in the furthest corner of the room. "May I speak freely?" he asked with a meaningful glance directed towards the police chief.

"Go right ahead," she invited softly, surprising both herself and Kyle when she added, "Kyle is...a friend. I don't mind him hearing what you have to say."

The physician nodded and cleared his throat. "I thought we might discuss the details of removing Danny from the ventilator. I wanted to allay any fears you might have about the procedure."

"I'm listening," Karen managed around the growing lump of emotion in her throat, "Walk me through it, please?"

"Let me first reassure you that he won't feel any pain, Mrs. Desai," Dr. Rettmann said, "We'll medicate him accordingly and make him as comfortable as possible. You shouldn't worry that he'll be struggling to breathe or be in any sort of distress. It won't be like that at all. His passing will be very peaceful. I encourage you to hold his hand and talk to him during the process. Hearing is usually the last thing to go and I'm sure he will be comforted to hear your voice."

"How...how long will it take?"

"That's difficult to determine," the physician sighed, "Danny is a young man with a relatively young and strong heart. It could be a matter of hours once we remove him from the ventilator or it could be a matter of days. There's no way to know. However, you and I have already discussed the fact that Danny's remaining kidney and lungs are in the process of failing. So, I don't anticipate he will linger for too long after he is extubated."

Karen fisted her hands, digging her nails deep into her palms, strangely comforted by the biting pain doing so caused her. "So what will you do exactly when the time comes?"

"We'll remove the tube and all of the monitors and IVs and lines. He won't be connected to any machinery. You can hold him if you want. It will be like he's falling asleep."

Only to never wake up, Karen added in her heart grimly. She processed the physician's gentle reassurance with a painful swallow, miraculously maintaining her stoic facade even while she was screaming inside. "I'm still waiting for his girlfriend and best friend to arrive," she explained, "I don't want to do anything until they get here and have had their chance to say goodbye to him. That's very important to me."

"Of course," Dr. Rettmann demurred, "Take as much time as you need."

She held herself together just long enough for the doctor to exit the room. After that, Karen covered her face with her hands and dissolved into hysterical tears. "I don't know if I can do this," she wept, "I don't know...I don't know..."

Kyle stepped forward to draw her into an awkward embrace, thoroughly unprepared for Karen to turn in his arms and sob uncontrollably into his chest. He patted her shoulder helplessly, acutely aware that there was little he could do for her to ease her pain. It seemed like eons of time passed before her sorrow was finally expended and she shrugged out from Kyle's loosened hold to compose herself.

"Damn Vikram," she choked hoarsely, "Damn him for all of this. If he weren't dead already, I would kill him myself!"

"You've had a lot to process in a very short period of time," Kyle acknowledged, "You need a break. You need to get out of this room. When was the last time you had a decent night's rest or a real meal or even a shower?"

"I can't remember," she mumbled, "I've been too afraid to leave him. I don't want him to die while I'm gone. I don't want him to be alone."

"He won't be alone. I'll stay with him. But you need to take some time to reenergize," Kyle advised her, "You've got a tough road ahead of you, Karen, and you're going to need all of your strength."

Karen swung an uncertain look between Kyle and Danny as she weighed Kyle's offer. She had to admit the thought of a hot shower did sound seductive. There was one available in the surgical ICU lounge for the families of patients who were staying overnight so she wouldn't have to go far. She hadn't had a change of clothes in the last few days and God only knew the last time she had run a brush through her hair. For someone who had always been very conscientious about her appearance, it was difficult not to feel a little disgusted over her unkempt state. At the very least, a quick turn under the hot spray would help her to feel half human again.

She made a quick grab for her overnight bag. "You have my cell phone number," she told Kyle as she gathered together her things, "You'll call me immediately if anything happens with him and I mean anything. The nurses told me that if his heart rate starts to decrease that it could be a sign that he's starting to let go, so I don't care what changes, even if it seems insignificant to you, I want to know about it."

"I promise I'll call you," Kyle vowed.

Mollified, Karen leaned down to press an affectionate kiss to Danny's forehead, gently stroking his tangled hair back from his face. "Sweetheart, I'm going to leave you with Kyle Masterson. I'll be gone for just a little while," she informed him quietly, "I'll be back. I promise I'll be back so wait for me, okay? Wait for me."

Kyle watched the exchange with an aching heart. He was brimming with empathy for her plight but also thoroughly grateful at the same time that he didn't have to endure it. He had come close enough with Jo already. She hadn't needed the ICU at the time. Instead, she had been given a reversal agent and had received supportive care in the hospital over the course of a day and a half but that had been more than enough. Kyle knew all too well the fear that was running rampant inside of Karen Desai at that time. He wouldn't wish that type of pain on his worst enemy.

When Karen was gone, he assumed the seat she'd vacated and turned a mournful stare towards Danny's still countenance. The ashen teenage boy lying in that hospital bed was a far cry from the defiant young man he had come to know over the past few months. The thought of his young life being extinguished before he'd even had a real opportunity to live it was such a colossal waste. Even when Kyle had believed Danny to be a conscienceless killer, Kyle couldn't quite suppress the part of him that had admired the teen's ability to remain cool under pressure, his fortitude and mostly his stubborn determination to live life on his own terms. That had never lessened his determination to nail Danny for his perceived crimes but Kyle had always hoped that for Danny's sake and for Jo's that Danny's resilience would one day enable him to rise above a life of crime and make something more of himself. He had never relinquished his optimism that Danny could be rehabilitated.

Now Kyle understood from where that gut premonition had sprung. The truth of it was that Danny had never committed any murders at all. His one real crime, beyond jumping bail in a stolen car, had been placing his trust in the wrong people and for that he would pay with his life. It was most definitely a waste, Kyle pondered sadly, and unfortunately something that could have been avoided had the adults in his life been paying attention. Kyle would carry his guilt over that for a long time to come.

He sighed at the realization, his heart growing heavier by the second. "I don't know how much fight you have left in you, kid," he murmured to Danny fiercely, "but if there's even a little bit left, you gotta fight and you gotta fight harder than you ever have in your entire life. Do it for your mother. I don't know if she's going to survive without you."

Karen returned less than a half an hour later, as pale and haggard as she had been before she left but, at least, refreshed physically, dressed in clean clothes and with clean, wet hair twisted back from her face in a severe knot. She and Kyle resumed their silent vigil, both watching Danny for some sign that he would rally or fade. Not long after Karen resituated herself at Danny's bedside, she and Kyle were both informed of the girls' arrival and were directed by the nurse to meet them out in the ICU lounge. Upon seeing Karen, both girls flung themselves into the grieving woman's waiting arms while Kyle exchanged a grateful embrace with his wife.

Kyle felt as if he'd just endured an entire day in battle. He must have looked it as well because Tess gave him a soft, reassuring kiss. "Has it been bad?" she asked.

"He's maintaining, I guess. But it's pretty clear his doctors think this is it."

Tess hitched her chin over in Karen's direction. "How's she holding up?" she whispered.

"Just barely," he said, "I couldn't be in her shoes for all the world. I'd go crazy."

Together they watched as Karen gradually released a sobbing Lacey and Jo. "I'm so glad you two could make it," she was telling both girls presently, "I know that Danny would want you here." She regarded Judy, who mostly hung back from the group, with an appreciative look. "Thank you so much for bringing her. I know you haven't approved of her relationship with Danny so this means a lot."

"I couldn't have imagined doing anything else," Judy replied, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Karen."

"It's not happening to me," Karen whispered grimly, "I'm not the one who's dying. Danny is the one who is suffering right now but...we'll change that soon."

Lacey recoiled with a whimper of pain. "Are you sure we have to do this, Mrs. Desai?" she cried, "I think it's a mistake! I don't want to take him off of the machine! What if it's too soon? Maybe he needs more time! It doesn't feel right!"

Judy reached out to grab hold of her hand. "Lacey, don't do this," she admonished softly, "This isn't helping."

"No! Don't tell me to be quiet! Someone has to say something!" she snapped, yanking her hand away, "I mean, we are talking about killing him after all! Right?"

Karen shook her head sadly. "Sweetheart, that's not what we're doing. You can't look at it that way or the guilt will eat you alive."

"You're taking away his last chance for survival," Lacey argued tearfully, "Once he's off that machine then that's it. He's done and it's really over."

Until that very moment, Lacey had mostly convinced herself that she was resigned to Danny's inevitable death. Even though he had managed to survive far beyond their initial prediction, his doctors had never provided them with much hope that he would recover. On the slim possibility that he did regain consciousness, they were absolutely certain that the Danny who awakened would most likely not be the Danny they had known before. They had made it clear again and again that Danny was lost to them. And, for the most part, Lacey thought she believed it...that was until she was faced with the prospect of removing Danny from life support and she unexpectedly acknowledged the part of her that continued to cling to hope.

As long as the breathing tube was in place, Danny had time to come back to them. There remained the tiny expectation that he could wake up because his heart continued to beat...because he was still, technically, alive. But if they took away the ventilator then they took away that chance. They would take away her last hope and Lacey wasn't at all ready to relinquish that. She didn't hesitate to make her feelings on the matter clear to Karen either.

"Sweetheart, I know that this is difficult for you to accept," Karen began gently, "but there is very little chance that Danny will recover. That machine isn't keeping him alive now so much as it is performing functions that Danny can no longer maintain for himself. We're prolonging the inevitable, Lacey. The doctors have said that again and again."

"That doesn't mean that there no chance at all!" Lacey maintained in tearful stubbornness, "He needs more time. He'll come around if we just wait a little longer. I know it!"

Karen framed Lacey's face in her hands and pressed a tender kiss to the weeping girl's forehead. "Lacey, I promise you that we wouldn't be having this conversation at all if I thought that were true."

In the end, after a short but anguish filled debate, it was decided that Lacey and Jo would go inside alone to say their final goodbyes and afterwards Danny would be removed from the ventilator as planned. There was nothing more that modern medicine could do for him. It was in Danny's hands now or, perhaps, a power higher than their own. In the meantime, he would be surrounded by his family and friends when he took his final breaths and he would know without a doubt that he had been loved. It was a difficult choice but it seemed to be the only option they had left.

Jo and Lacey entered his hospital room on wooden legs that were devoid of feeling, their hands clasped together tightly in both shared grief and steadfast solidarity. They both stumbled to a halt upon seeing him again, bombarded anew by how terrible he looked even though they had entered with full knowledge of his current state of health. Still, it was difficult to reconcile the dying boy on the bed with the smiling, brooding, mercurial goofball they had come to love so dearly. Trembling and clammy, Jo was the first to break the unendurable silence in the room because Lacey wasn't able to speak past the tears burning in her throat. Typically, she opened with a wry quip.

"You never do anything halfway, do you, Desai? Even when we were kids, you always had to be the center of the universe. All you had to do was sniffle and me and Lacey would come running to hold your hand and fix your booboo. Not much has changed, huh?" Her words caught on an anguished sob. "God, Danny! I'm so pissed off at you right now that I can't see straight! It wasn't supposed to turn out like this!"

Lacey wasn't surprised by Jo's outburst of anger. In fact, she didn't attempt to admonish her for the harsh words at all because she too was struggling with similar feelings. She was devastated by the impending loss for sure but beneath that eviscerating pain was also a simmering anger and she had no idea how to channel it. She stepped closer to his bedside and stretched out her hand to caress his cheek briefly, her features twisted in an anguished grimace.

"Damn you, Danny," she whispered tersely, "You just had to go looking for him! I knew you weren't going to find any closure! I knew it was a mistake. I should have listened to my instincts and called the police as soon as we learned for sure that your dad was alive! We could have avoided all of this! You knew he was a killer! What did you think was going to happen, huh?"

"We did this your way because we trusted you when you said that it was the right thing," Jo charged him tearfully, "You said that we didn't have any other choice but look what happened! So you need to figure out a way to fix this, Danny, because this is it! This is the last time the three of us will be together if you don't do something besides lie in this stupid bed!"

"We fought for you," Lacey urged him, "We believed in you and we didn't give up. Now it's your turn. You don't get to give up."

"You owe us," Jo told him fiercely, "You owe Rico and you owe Lacey and you owe me! So, you'd better not die, Desai, because I'm never going to forgive you for it!"

"Neither will I," Lacey vowed, "You promised me that we would be together and you swore to me that you would never lie to me again. Please don't go back on your word now..."

The mournful pleas had barely left Lacey's mouth before Danny's ventilator suddenly began alarming wildly. Jo and Lacey jumped in fright, thrown into a frenzied panic as all of his monitors started clanging simultaneously. That panic became outright hysteria as a bustling processional of nurses came charging into the room, elbowing Jo and Lacey aside in an effort to get closer to their patient.

"What's happening? What's happening?" both girls kept screaming in tandem as they were unceremoniously shoved from the room. "Is he dying? Tell us what's going on! No! Don't make us leave! Please don't make us leave!" They were made even more frantic by the idea that their last words to him had been filled with recrimination and bitterness rather than love and tenderness. They hovered at the entrance, breaths frozen as they waited to hear the news they had dreaded for the better part of a week.

As the outside world seemed to slow to a mind-numbing crawl, Lacey and Jo watched helplessly as the nurses scurried swiftly about the room recalculating his IV drip rate and reassessing his wildly vacillating vital signs. All the while, Danny's monitors kept blaring loudly. Finally, they heard someone shout, "Page the MD and Respiratory! We need them at bedside now!" That was all the confirmation the girls needed to know that Danny was taking his final breaths. They were clutching each other and sobbing uncontrollably when one of the nurses finally emerged from the chaos and approached them. But it was the eerie recommencement of silence behind her that caused their hearts to tighten with fear.

Once again, Jo was the one who found the wherewithal to speak and voice the question that was foremost in her and Lacey's heart. "Is that it?" she wept desperately, "Is he gone? Did he die?"

"No, honey, he's not dead," the nurse reassured her with a burgeoning smile, "This is a good thing. He's agitated and he's trying to breath over the tube. That's why everything in there was going off like crazy."

Lacey asked the next question but it was laced with tentative strands of hope. "So what exactly does that mean?"

"It means that he's fighting."