Dedicated to jazzmin92 for her review, as well as all the support to this story by favoriting and alerting, and also to inulover42 for adding this story to her favorites.

Facing Grief

She was watching the beginning of the day as she finished her food.

She stood up. She wasn't supposed to be moving around that much. The pain in her back was actually not negligible, but since she had hurt her calf the previous time she was in the hospital she discovered that, for some reason, she wasn't so bad dealing with pain. She had somehow dealt with the pain, even though drugs wouldn't do anything to ease it. Yet she'd move around more than Isane was comfortable with. They couldn't believe she didn't complain about the pain and even walked. Some people in the staff, janitors and nurses, said she was a masochist as a joke. (She had been there 3 times by then; it would've been weird if she hadn't dealt with any of them before.) And even though her wounds healed slower than they do other times, for a reason she couldn't understand, she still healed far too fast, fast enough to amaze the medical staff. Last time she was talking to Unohana, she could feel the pain and bear it, but now she barely felt anything. And now that she thought about it, Unohana had given her a sedative! Could it be that she had found drugs that worked with her? Anyhow, that was great; not even because she healed thus fast would the pain be eased before.

She headed to the room where Unohana told her he was. Albeit she mentioned it fast and without giving emphasis at all to that part, Kisa could still catch it and remember it that instant. She wondered if Unohana's intentions with which she mentioned that were to tell her so she could go visit him or if she mentioned it without giving thought to whether she would perceive it or not in that intense conversation they had had.

She reached the room and turned the door handle, slowly and unpleasantly nervous. She pushed the door in, slowly, hesitating every inch.

She hadn't even entered before she gasped as she saw the man she loved in a woeful condition that made her heart skip a beat.

She entered and closed the door behind her, soundlessly.

She gave every step with worry and shock, such that she couldn't even feel the cold floor despite her being barefoot. She felt as if she were sinking into unstable quicksand, instead.

Her heart, instead of racing, slowed down alarmingly, as if it were surrounded by suppressing chains, creating this pressure on her that made her think, for a second, that it was no longer beating.

She immediately noticed the machinery that was keeping him stable. For a reason she never seemed to understand or remember, she wasn't unfamiliar with medical equipment. Right that moment, she could have named each instrument in that room and tell its function if it weren't for the fact that her mind was busy being perturbed by seeing Byakuya in that condition. She never found the medical terms Isane or Retsu used strange or unfamiliar, which was also surprising to them both. She had been wondering for a while if maybe the herself she didn't remember was a person dedicated to medicine or a related field.

Her anxiety and guilt were meant to only get worse with each uncertain step she gave, bringing her closer to his bed. She noticed every wound in his perfect skin, which seemed to be flushing due to excess of warmth. His perfect hair was disheveled. His eye bags showed he wasn't resting peacefully or anything close to that. Over all, she noticed his pained expression. She could tell he was in pain, that he was having difficulties breathing, and also observed how his hands seemed to be as cold as a corpse's and his forehead so hot it wasn't so far from sweating, simultaneously. He was, undeniably, in pain. It showed although it was supposed to be as eased as the corporal limit to the amount of drugs injected in the body permitted. Kisa felt baffled and greatly tormented each second she looked at him. She couldn't get the knowledge of her being the one that caused this to him out of her mind.

Her legs couldn't take it anymore and gave in to gravity. She was going to scream from the shock, since she was so into his appearance that her mind wasn't even paying attention to her own body. She couldn't yell or produce a sound at all; her voice was locked away by her perplexing torture.

She didn't even react to the fall until it was past tense. The sensation of having fallen was a rough call from reality. She lied with her face against the floor and couldn't care less about the fall so as to do as much as standing up; she was frozen, unable to move. The reprehending guilt was crushing her against the ground.

She felt pain and tears running down both sides, passing by her ears and into the solid floor. She finally regained her voice but, instead of words, weeping sounds parted from her contracting throat. When it was a bit easier to speak she could form words very slowly, but it was still too incomprehensible to catch the coherence to them.

-B-Byakuya… - She started with the weeping hindering her voice, encaging it into her throat. – I am so sorry… If only I could ease your pain anyhow, I wish with my whole life I could do that… Byakuya, you keep hurting yourself and sacrificing far too much for me. All because I'm useless! If only I could do anything to help you! If only I could suffer that unbearable pain to free you, I would do it! I feel like drowning when I see you like this. I hate myself for doing this to you! Why is it that I end up being carried as a burden to everyone? I try…! I really do try to be stronger, yet I feel worthless for being so helpless. Byakuya… I…

She then slowly moved her arms and lifted the upper part of her body, sat on the floor and placed her arms over the bed, grabbing his cold hand, so cold it surprised her he wasn't shivering.

-I beg of you to forgive me…! – She cried. - I beg of you to stop carrying me as a burden over your shoulders! I…! I wish it was me the one in this bed! You have no idea how gladly I'd do it if I knew that you would be better then… Please…! – She then brought his hand to her forehead, while her head was down. – Please wake up! Please don't leave me… - She wept. – I know I'm in no position to ask anything from you, but I still beg you to forgive me. I am so selfish and I realize I don't deserve your love, but I just really can't live without you! It may sound very cliché, but I swear! If looking at you in pain makes me feel like this, would you be able to believe I can live without you at all? After seeing your smile, do you think I could smile nonchalantly if I knew I wouldn't ever see it again? I might keep breathing without you, but I wouldn't be alive… I wouldn't be alive! - Her tears ran down her cheeks at a faster pace. – This life I've had for a supposedly short time, to me, it's been far longer than a few months. This life I have… I couldn't live like this without your presence. You are in all your rights to hate me…But I know that scorn coming from your part would kill me. I feel so useless, but I want to be strong. I… I want to be here for you! I… - She could only manage to whisper the rest. – I love you… I love you…! I love you! I feel like I have loved you for a really long time! Even though I still don't know much about you, and reason knows you don't know much about me since I barely know much about myself, I know I will love you forever! I know I just wouldn't overcome your loss, your disappearance, your hatred, you getting away from me… I'm so selfish, but if being selfish allows me to be at your side, then I don't care what anyone else says! I want to be there for you! I promise you, I'll try to be helpful to you, even if there's little meaning to the things I could help you with, I know there's got to be something…!

She then stood on her knees and kissed his cheek with tears now shutting down. She remained kneeling for a while with her chin under her folded arms over the bed, staring at him. For an unknown reason, as soon as she stopped crying, his expression softened, as if his pain had lessened. She wondered if her words did anything to his unconscious being. And although she knew it was unlikely, she thought how happy she would've been if she had helped him.

She had seen his face many times before yet she never ceased to be amazed about it. She loved to observe his face at any time of the day. She especially loved his face with moonlight since it would make his grey eyes reflect it like the ocean. How she much she wished she could see his eyes open at that moment.

Later, she arranged his messy hair as best as she could. She must have spent like an hour trying to fix it as best as possible, even though she knew it wasn't necessary, since he was so handsome that there was no chance for the condition of his hair to overshadow his face, not with his perfect features.

She was oblivious to the passage of time. Eventually, she brought a chair closer and sat there by his side, refusing to let go of his hand, now warm.

She didn't know how much time had passed until Isane came into the room looking agitated.

-Kisa – Chan! Here you are! How come I didn't think of coming here myself? – She said with relief and tiredness.

Taicho must be gifted with some power that allows her to locate people anywhere without tracking reiatsu or an ability to see the obvious far too easily. - She thought.

-What is the matter, Isane? – Kisa asked as she was drawn back to the reality where something other than Byakuya existed.

-What is that supposed to mean? – Isane asked slightly upset. – I was worried about you! You weren't in your room, or in the bathroom, cafeteria or garden; I even searched in the rooftop!

-Have I been here that long? - She asked with guilt.

Kisa turned her head to the window in the wall behind her and saw how late it actually was; it was already dark outside.

-You've been missing all day! I was even starting to think you might have escaped like last time! – She replied angrily but still getting over her worry.

-I'm very sorry, Isane. - She said looking down.

Great. Another person she was letting down…

Isane quickly noticed her inner scolding and remembered Unohana had needed to use a sedative to calm her down when she heard about Kuchiki taicho's condition. She was already aware of how guilty she already was by looking at him.

-It's fine, Kisa – Chan. – Isane said as she placed a hand on her shoulder, causing her head to look up at her. – It's all right… Just don't do that again, or at least let me know.

-OK. – She replied briefly with her sadness evident in her voice.

-I know he won't judge you, Kisa… Back at Soukyoku Hill, he wasn't in such a good shape, and yet he would only care for you. He looked at me and asked me to attend you. He wouldn't be happy to know that you're not eating or resting well because of him. I'm sure he wants you to recover.

-But, Isane…

-I'm not telling you not to worry; I know this isn't easy for you. But it's already 7:30. You haven't left this room since early morning, have you? You haven't been eating correctly, and your eye bags tell me you're not resting well either. – She listed, almost getting in lecturing mode. - I'm just saying that you should care about yourself too. Kisa – Chan, I promise I'll let you know if anything happens, so please eat something and go rest. You can come back tomorrow. OK?

Kisa felt touched while guilty for worrying Isane this much. She had come to think of her as an older sister. She felt bad for being so selfish as to not even leave a note for her.

Kisa knew Isane was right. Byakuya had already sacrificed himself; it was too late to change that. Retsu said he'd wake up. Kisa trusted her, did she not? So, if he had already been hurt, well, he might as well wake up and see that at least he didn't fail to protect her, that she was all right.

-Yes. – Kisa answered as she stood up and finally let go of his hand. – Thank you very much, Isane.

She smiled. For the first time in days, Kisa smiled. This wasn't an obligated grin, she was smiling. This made Isane smile too.

The weight of Kisa's restlessness climbed up her, without notice. She felt really tired all of a sudden. And so she finally rested that night.

Although she had had some hours of sleep before, she wasn't actually resting. She'd wake up with a stiff body and didn't feel like she had slept at all.

The next day, she also spent it at his room. The difference was that she was eating better and getting enough sleep. She intended to do the same the day after, but she couldn't due to her unexpected visits.

And so, the visiting began…Again.

First was Ukitake.

Xx Ukitake Juushiro's visit xX

-Good morning, Kisa – Chan. How are you feeling? – He asked as friendlily and soothingly as usual.

-I'm getting better quite fast, or so Isane says, Taicho. - She said with a smile.

Mysteriously, even though she didn't even call Byakuya or anyone else 'Taicho', and she knew how much some would have like that, she did call Ukitake that way. (And he was the one who wanted to be called just 'Juushiro'.) Not even she knew why, since she preferred to use the names. She just felt that way around him. Ukitake was someone she liked easily and he was like the perfect company, someone she felt she could trust far too much and, as anyone, felt comfortable with him around.

-That's good. And…Are you OK?

-I'm fine… - She answered knowing exactly what he meant. – Retsu said he'd wake up, and I believe her. They say chances are pretty high that he'll wake up in a matter of days; I'm really eager. – She chuckled.

-I'm glad to hear that… - He smiled. – I admit I feel bad for not being there in case you needed support…

-No, Taicho! – Kisa said hastily, shaking her head. – Please, I'm really grateful you came today. And, to be honest, it was better for me to be alone… I… I had to clear my mind about much. – She said trying not to be too specific.

-That's very good Kisa – Chan. – He said.

Xx End of Ukitake Juushiro's visit xX

X To be continued…X

Don't worry. I'll only mention the most important of each visit this time. (Laughs) And I won't bring everybody this time, so I promise it won't be as long as last time.