DarkFlameJ: I'm crying, too. :c He was slammed with a lot this chapter. I think Four nailed it, too. Poor thing.

Sky: The video tore him apart. I'd been planning this chapter for awhile, admittedly, but it's all for a cause. Oh, don't worry. Rain will have one more run-in with Jeanine before letting Evelyn shoot her in the cranium.

BK2U: Don't worry, Rain won't let him give up. Not that easily. ;)

MissLoey: It'll be revealed what Jacob's up to soon enough. Don't worry.

Alicedor: D:

Classybird: I sowwy :c These chapters mainly exist to make him face his fears, yes, and one of his greatest is being paralyzed. Another of his greatest fears (though, he probably hasn't realized it until now) is losing Rain. He definitely thinks she'll eventually abandon him if he loses his legs. Jacob's backstory is coming as well!

interdictum in aeternum: I cry over fictional characters all the time xD You know you're reading good material when you get all choked up, pissed off, etc when reading a book or watching a show. It sucks haha

Aurore: I wouldn't end the story like that! Jeebus.

VioletBrock: Mantears kill me, too. I was crying while writing this, and I'm the damn author. Poor Eric.

Beware. Mantears and part of Eric's backstory lay ahead.

Chapter #35: Shatter

WARNING: Potentially sensitive material ahead.

His hammering heart threatened to break through his ribcage as he stared down at the lethal drop below, chest rising with each subconsciously uneven breath he took.

Do it, you coward, whispered the voice in his head. It's long overdue.

His breathing had quickened, body seeming to lean forward a few degrees on its own accord as he stared down at the fatal plunge below. He wouldn't feel a thing, that was for sure. There had never been many things he was afraid of, but it was hard for even the thickest of skin to deny that they feared what awaited them after death—himself included. There were worse things than death, however. Now he understood that. He would lose everything even if he didn't jump. He'd lose his legs, and because of that he would no longer be able to lead, be able to fight, or be independent to begin with. Eventually, he'd lose Rain, too, even if she didn't realize it herself yet. He knew. Without his strength, he was nothing, and she would see that if he didn't do this now. If she was going to remember him in any way, he wanted her to remember him as the capable soldier he was—not crippled in a wheelchair.

The only way to stop living through that hell was to jump. Slowly, his eyes closed, and he took in one last, deep inhale through his nose, allowing the crisp night air to fill his lungs. Thunder rolled over the city in the far distance, a few droplets having begun to fall, as a couple landed on his face when he tilted his head up towards the sky. A heavy, lengthy pause followed, and he lifted his foot to step forward.

"ERIIIC!"

Deeply startled, his eyes flew wide in alarm when he felt a pair of hands grab him by the belt, and the next thing he knew he was being jerked backwards. He stumbled, falling back into Rain, and in result they both toppled to the ground in a clumsy heap. It took him a moment to realize what had happened, when she was suddenly on top of him with her hands clenched around his collar.

"What are you doing?" she all but screeched at him, her eyes wide with panic and possibly a little anger. "What are you doing?!"

It was as if she had flipped a switch within him, because his eyes flashed with fury, and before he could control himself he was shoving her off him in a burst of rage-fueled humiliation. "DAMN YOU!"

Her eye were wide, and possibly even a little frightened, taken completely aback by his outburst.

"Damn you for stopping me! DAMN YOU!"

"Eric! Calm down!"

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" he shouted. "Who the fuck do you think you're fooling?"

"What are you talking about?!" she cried.

"Stop acting like everything is going to be okay, because it's not!"

Rain's eyes said it all. "Eric—"

"You want what's best for me? Then you should have just let me jump! There are worse things than death! I'M LIVING IT!"

"Eric." She tried reaching out for him, but he shoved her hands away roughly.

"Don't touch me! You need to get away from me! Just get the fuck away from me!"

"Eric, what—"

"Just leave me alone!"

"What has gotten into you?!" Rain finally exclaimed.

"You can't be near me. I don't want you near me! I don't belong here!"

"Eric, you do belong here."

"I MURDERED CHILDREN!"

She silenced.

"You saw the video! I'm responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Abnegation! I killed children! You saw what I did. I can't take that back! Hell, I can't even be a soldier anymore! I broke your heart! I got you shot! Fuck, I strangled you, Rain! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Rain's eyes closed briefly, attempting to keep calm. "For the last time, Max shooting me wasn't your fault, Eric. Neither was the attack. We went over this. I know what you're doing. Stop trying to scare me off; it's not going to work."

He exploded. "Why? Why won't you back off? What the fuck is in it for you, huh? I'm a fucking gimp, Rain! I'm fucking useless!"

"You are not useless." Her voice grew razor sharp, eyes igniting with a fierce spark.

"Oh, please!" His eyes darkened. "Is it because I have yet to tell you my sob story? You can't let me go until you've finally figured out why I'm such a fucking head case?"

"Eric—"

"Once upon a time, a man and a woman had a baby. They had big plans for him. They thought he'd be a fucking Mensa legend, but he wasn't. Not to his father. He just couldn't live up to his standards. 'Hey, Eric, what's with the A minus? Why aren't you getting the highest scores in your division?' Nothing I did was good enough, and I mean nothing!" His voice had risen to a shout at this point. "In his eyes, I couldn't so much as tie my fucking shoe correctly." A derisive scoff left him. "Remember when I told you about the spiders, and you said my parents must have been horrified? My mother was pretty torn up about it, but the old man? Oh, he was horrified, all right. How did he word it? Oh, yeah. 'What were you doing out there in the first place? Maybe this will teach you to make smarter decisions. Let it be a lesson to you.'"

Rain's lips parted the smallest of fractions.

"Then one day, my mother got blown up during a freak accident in the labs that left five dead." A distinct shine had begun to form in his eyes at this point. "All that was left of her was scattered limbs and blood. The old man didn't take that too well. He blamed me, you know. He blamed me for her death. You see... I was pretty sick for about a year after the spider bites. The venom had weakened my immune system, and she was trying to create a serum to help raise the white blood cell count of people with weakened systems like mine. Basically, if it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have been in the labs as much, and maybe she wouldn't have been in the explosion." He shook his head, staring down at the ground with darkened eyes. "He blamed for his own failures." Again, his cold slate blues lifted to hers. "Apparently, I was one of them. Deep down, I knew, though. I knew what I was capable of, and I showed him." Scoffing, a scathing smile appeared on his face, but it looked more like a sneer. "You should have seen the look on the bastard's face when I chose Dauntless at the ceremony. I've never seen him so pissed, and when he came on visiting day, I greeted him with a big, warm punch in the teeth... and as he lay on the ground with blood dripping from his mouth I stood over him. This time he was the one on the floor, and it felt great. Christ, I loved the feeling that rushed through my veins at seeing him like that. Everyone, from day one, knew I was not to be fucked with. I chose Dauntless to reclaim my life. To prove everyone that ever doubted me wrong."

Rain remained silent, eyes saddened as he went on. She knew better than to interrupt him at that moment, but it made it no easier to watch, never mind listen to, as he fell apart right before her eyes.

"You want to know why I hate Four?" he continued. "I mean, why I really hate him? It's not because he beat me in the final ranking fight. It's not because he was and continues to be one step ahead of me. I hate the fucker, because he doesn't even try to be better than me! Always the fucking good guy—the perfect soldier—no matter what he does. You think I don't know the only reason I was made a leader was because he refused the offer made to him? But it didn't matter... not then. All I cared about was that I was finally in a position to make a difference... to show everyone what I was capable of. Now the bastard is a leader by popular vote."

"So are you, Eric," intervened Rain gently.

"Pfft, yeah, I was! So much for that!"

"You're still a leader," she said. "Leadership doesn't come from strength, it comes from wisdom and character. From the ability to make right decisions."

"Like the decision I made to shoot down Abnegation? Like the decision I made to shoot a fucking kid in the head?"

"Like the decision you made to save me from that burning building. Like the decision you made to rescue Tris when she got separated from you and Four."

He turned his head away, jaw rigid. Then suddenly, he was looking down, face grim and bitter. "I saw you eyeing my scars the night I was surviving the WD toxin. I know you've been itching to ask."

"Eric—"

"The man that gave me the scar on my back was factionless. He thought it was a good idea to try and jump me when I was on patrol, so I tore him a new hole. Unfortunately, not before he managed to get me across the back with a dull blade. So, I killed the bastard. Point blank." Forming his hand into a gun, he pressed his index and middle finger to his forehead as if to shoot himself between the eyes. "Well, the guy had friends, and they weren't happy when they found out what I'd done to their pal. And that brings us to the best part of the story!" Mirthless laughter dripped from his voice. "Congratulations, because you're the first one I've ever told. We can't leave out the part where I was fucked by two men and tortured for eight hours!"

Rain's lips parted slowly, eyes widening with the horror she felt encasing her body in ice. He had said he'd escaped... God, she felt like a fool. She should have known better.

"Eric... you don't have—"

But he cut her off, the rampage he had fallen into consuming him completely. There was no stopping him at this point.

"I was on another solo patrol, having been monitoring the area with a few others that night after receiving some complaints of hostile behavior. It was during my fifth year in Dauntless. I had just turned twenty. Turns out a group of five were waiting for me. They'd planned it out carefully, I'll give them that. Before I knew what hit me, I was on the ground with all of them kicking the shit out of me. When I woke up, I was tied down to a dirty table in the middle of some abandoned building." He held up his wrist for her view. "You can still see the scars from where the binds cut into my skin if you look close enough. Well, long story short, they got even for what I did to their prick of a friend. This particular group had a special hate for Dauntless, and once they heard what I did they made it their mission to get revenge. They started with small cuts here and there." Reaching up, he pulled down the collar of his shirt to expose the scar near his shoulder, and then lifted the bottom hem to reveal a faded scar just above his hip bone. "They'd broken my ribs while kicking me, so it felt great when they punched me in the side after I refused to scream from the cutting. Then, as I was trying to catch my breath, they cut my binds loose and dragged me backwards off the table to where some old, grimy tub was filled with water. I knew what was coming and fought against them, but every time I pulled back they just kicked me in the ribs again. They held me under until I thought I was going to pass out, and then they would pull be back up again just in time. This continued for about ten minutes, and by the time I was finally let up I was too busy trying to get a fucking breath in to fight against them. Two held my upper body down while the other three forcibly stripped me down. Again, whenever I struggled, I was kicked in the ribs. However, I did manage to nail one of them in the face with my boot, breaking his nose like a toothpick. All that did was make my situation worse, though, and before I knew it I was being thrown down on my stomach on the table. Naked. Wanna guess what happened from there?"

"Eric..." Rain's eyes had begun to shine as he went on, having been listening in a silent horror as he told her his darkest secret. He was completely losing it, looking vaguely insane as he explained his torture to her as if it were an animated camping story. As he continued, confronting his worst horrors for the first time in God knew how long, it was consuming him.

"How does no one know, you're wondering?" he went on. "Because I killed them. All of them. Once they had finished, they made the mistake of untying me... thinking I would be too weakened to do anything else. But they were wrong. They were dead wrong. Maybe it was the adrenaline. Who knows? Hell, I barely remember it. In fact, it wasn't until I was I saw the blood on my hands I even fully processed they were dead. It was my first kill. Funny, I always thought I'd feel guilt if I was ordered to kill someone, but I didn't feel guilty. Hell, it felt great. Really lets out the endorphins, you know? Anyway, once they were nothing more than corpses, I managed to pull my clothes back on and get the hell out of there. I treated my own wounds, mostly. Not much you can do for broken ribs, so it was just a matter of waiting... not to mention I couldn't so much as sit down properly for almost two fucking weeks. I managed, though. No one ever did find out what happened that night. Just that I'd gotten into a brutal fight... and won. Well... everyone except for you, that is. So, what do you say, Rain? Are you happy? You finally got it out of me. Was it all you'd been hoping for?"

His eyes were ice cold and glistening, tears streaking his bruised cheeks as he glared at her hatefully. All Rain could do was stare at him in shock, eyes wider than saucers. She could barely process what she had just heard. She didn't want to. With that last word, he moved to shove passed her, but she managed to act fast despite her scrambled brain and grabbed him by the arm.

"Eric, stop!"

"GET OFF ME!" Whipping around, he threw her off him.

It had only been a matter of time, she knew, but it had to happen at that moment, as his legs gave out beneath him without any warning whatsoever, sending him crashing to the floor on his back with a startled grunt. A sharp gasp left her, and she immediately went to help him.

Bad idea.

"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!"

"Eric, easy—"

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OFF ME! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" Viciously, he shoved her again. In his frenzied state, he had not realized his strength when he pushed her away, and his head snapped up when he heard her release a sharp, pained cry as her head hit the beam behind her. Freezing, his eyes flew wide as it hit him what he'd done. "Fuck! Rain, I—I didn't mean to—I'm sorry!"

Despite the throbbing in the back of her head, she tried consoling him. "Eric, it's okay—"

But he practically threw himself back when she tried reaching for him, eyes wide with a mixture of panic along with remnants of his previous rampage. Before she could blink, he was scrambling to his feet, but a surge of determination coursed through her. Just in the nick of time, she grabbed his arm and yanked him back down before he had a chance to take off. Spinning him around, she twisted his arm around behind him, forcing him down onto his stomach and quickly getting on top of him. She pinned his arms behind his back, using her entire bodyweight to hold him down as he struggled madly to free himself.

However, Rain managed to keep calm, shushing him and whispering to him softly in attempt to bring him down from the erratic state of panic he had fallen into. Then suddenly, a piercing scream of frustration, rage, and pain was ripping from his throat that bore a bottomless sorrow lurking within its depths. Then he was falling still beneath her, panting heavily and sweating. Rain's eyes bled compassion as she stared down at him, heart splintering as she looked at the tears streaking his cheeks.

"Shhhhh…" Slowly, she bent down, whispering, "Easy. Easy…"

He was breathing heavily, gasping and sweating as she pressed her lips against his head.

"Easy. It's okay." She kissed his temple. "It's okay. Breathe. Breathe…"

Though he was far from calm, he had stopped thrashing against her. His panic soon returned, however, screaming internally when he felt his eyes stinging. He tried desperately to hold it back, but it was futile, as he crumbled to pieces beneath her.

Sensing the fight had finally left him, Rain released him slowly, relinquishing her hold on his wrists as she got off his back. Without hesitation, she reached down and coaxed him up, easing him up with soft words. The next thing he knew, he was being pulled into her body, her arms and legs surrounding him in a warm, secure embrace as she cradled his head against her chest. From there, he just lost it, body betraying him as the exhaustion overpowered his senses. Depthless, agonized sobs wracked his body, tears streaking his cheeks as he pressed his face into her breasts; gripping her tightly.

Rain shushed him soothingly, cheek rested against his head as she rocked with him. "Easy," she whispered. "It's okay, baby. Just calm down... calm down..."

Her words did nothing to lessen the force of his tears, each gasping sob causing her to shake.

"Easy, love. Shhh..."

Through heavy tears, he managed, "I can still fight. I can get better. I'll prove it to you. I swear... I promise..."

Lips parting, she felt as if her heart was being torn in half, eyes stinging. "Eric..." She tightened her hold on him, partially for her comfort as well. "Eric, I need you to listen to me very carefully. I. Love. You. I will always love you. Do you hear me? Not only are you one of the bravest, most dedicated soldiers I have ever met, but you give your heart and soul into everything that you do. You have metamorphosed into an incredible human being in more ways than just strength, Eric. You are strong. So strong. You're so brave, baby. If you were a failure, you would have never gotten this far. How could you think I would leave you for this? I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

He was still crying hard, body lurching against hers with every tormented sob. Still cradling his head against her breasts, she kissed his temple.

"Remember the war games? You saved Jessica's life. All you had was a knife, and you attacked that man anyway. You carried me out of that burning building, even when I told you to leave me. One of your worst fears is being burned alive, and yet you still went back in for me. And Jacob. You helped him. If you were the same person you once were, you would have stepped all over him and reveled in his pain, but you took him under your wing. You got up and ran after the train, even though you were still weakened from the poison, refusing to stand by as a witness. You could have relapsed, and still you refused to stay down."

He was gripping her so tight it was almost painful, but she only tightened her hold on him.

"And Madeline. You didn't have to talk to her. She didn't have to forgive you, but she did, because she could see the change in you. She could see you had remorse. Then you gave your badge of honor to her, because you felt her son deserved it more than you. Eric, if that in itself isn't the definition of honor, I don't know what is. You seem to be the only one who doesn't see what you're worth. Your entire faction elected you to lead them. What did your father do that was so great? What gave him the right to treat you the way he did? Tell me one thing he did that can compare to what you've accomplished."

The main reason why he didn't answer her was because he couldn't. She didn't make him talk, simply continuing to rub soothing circles on his back while holding him snugly; cradling is head against her breasts.

"You're so strong, Eric. So brave. You're far from a failure. I don't love you because of your physical strength. I love you because of who you are."

Another sob escaped him despite his efforts to stifle it.

"You are loved, Eric, and not just by me. You have a family here. A family that loves you, and you have friends that would readily jump in front of a bullet to save your life. No one here is judging you. Don't give up, baby. Everything is going to be okay. You'll see." Rubbing his back, she dipped her head to kiss his temple affectionately. "I love you."

Red hot embarrassment flooded him, but despite his shame he just couldn't bring himself to push away from her. He could feel her hand rubbing his back slowly, her warmth surrounding him at all sides like a comforting cocoon. By this time, he had managed to regain some control, crying quietly, and the shaking of his body had been reduced to a silent trembling. He tried with his every being to keep silent, but a small sob still escaped here and there. The entire time, she said nothing, just continuing to rub his back as she whispered to him softly.

"It's okay," she uttered. "We're all alone. It's okay right now. You're not weak. You're not weak."

His eyes squeezed shut.

Softly, she continued, "I'm here. I'm with you. I love you so much."

He couldn't remember the last time he had allowed himself to cry, but now he couldn't stop. Yet, she didn't shame him. She just held him, her cheek pressed against his head as she gently rocked with him. He had never needed anyone as much as he needed her at that moment, and, despite his shame, he felt himself calming down without realizing it. The second her arms had secured themselves around him, it had been as if she had sucked all the negative energy straight from his body. Even after he had managed to compose himself, he didn't pull away from her right away, taking solace in her warmth. His head was throbbing, but at the same time he felt strangely revived. It was a bizarre and alien sensation. At first, it had unsettled him, but now he knew he could trust her, which was unsettling in itself.

Finally, after what felt like hours, he forced himself to separate from her, shame searing through him once more at knowing his eyes were bloodshot. Gritting his teeth, he bowed his head in humiliation for showing such weakness in front of her, but when he felt her hands on his face, he lifted his eyes to hers hesitantly, and the next thing he knew she had leaned forward to capture his lips in a tender kiss. His eyes closed with the contact, and then he was standing slowly, cautious of his unpredictable legs. She rose with him, as he moved over to the bed and sat down before risking falling over himself again. The thought alone caused indignity to burn within him like fire.

"Hey." Rain straddled his lap. "Look at me. Look at me."

Reluctantly, he did as she ordered, eyes shining with a clenched jaw. With a softened gaze, she reached up and took his face in her hands.

"You—are—not—weak. Do I make myself clear? Almost any other man would have given up during torture like that. They would have begged to stop the pain, but did you? No. You took the beatings, and you took them out when they thought you'd be too weak to stand. Yes, you were scared. Yes, you screamed, and you suffered, but did you let them win? No."

His eyes had begun to glisten once more, jaw rigid and bottom lip quivering the slightest bit as he fought to keep a firm front and maintain what little dignity he had left. A couple rebel tears still managed to escape down his cheeks, though, and he looked away in shame. Rain wasn't having this, however, and she turned his face back to her.

"Say you're not weak." She gave him a small jostle when he didn't speak. "Say it."

His jaw was tense, and when he spoke he ground the words out through his teeth. "I'm not weak..."

"Again."

"I'm not weak."

"You're the strongest one here. Say it."

"...I'm the strongest one here."

"Louder," she commanded.

"I'm the strongest one here."

"You did not fail. You did not break."

"…I did not fail. I did not break..." he whispered.

"You did not break."

He turned his head down, face tensing as a couple more tears escaped. Satisfied, she allowed her hands to fall from his face, and she hugged him warmly. He returned the gesture immediately and just as tightly, nuzzling his face into her neck as he took in her scent with a deep inhale.

"I love you." The words had left his mouth without warning, coming out as a breathy, muffled whisper against her neck as his lips moved without his own accord, and with it a great pressure was removed from his chest—only to turn his muscles to stone as he realized what he had said. However, a soothing hand rubbing his back massaged the rigid muscles back to a relaxed state.

"I love you, too, baby. More than you'll ever know."

His eyes closed. She remained patient, waiting until he calmed down before gently pulling away.

"Lay down."

Glancing at her, he did as he was told, and she laid beside him, leg hooking over his as she came to loom over him. His eyes were still shining, but he had managed to cease the tears for the time being. The next second, her hands were caressing his face, as her lips clashed with his in a searing kiss. His mouth instantly returned the favor, mimicking her passion with equal thirst as his arms encircled her. She was kissing him deep and hard, holding him with her body pressed flush against his.

He was the first to pull away for air, chest heaving with each breath as he gazed up at her with conflicted slate blues. Then suddenly, he rolled them over, surprising her when he just leaned his forehead into hers, eyes closed. Her eyes softened, and she dipped her head to place one last, soft kiss on his lips. Her hands still held his face, thumbs stroking over his damp cheeks tenderly.

For a long time, he just stared down at her, eyes impossibly blue and containing a chaotic frenzy of emotions that left her absolutely breathless. Right then, witnessing him in this raw state of emotional disorder, he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Then he was shifting closer to her, taking her off guard when he pulled her to him and rested his head on top of her breast. For him to take the submissive position was rare, and she knew he only did it when he needed her most. It melted her heart to liquid, and she wrapped her arms around him warmly, hand once again moving up to cradle the side of his face.

Eric allowed himself to relax when he felt her hand cradling his head, her thumb stroking his cheek softly, and he dared to wrap his arm around her a little tighter. She had seen him at his absolute weakest. He couldn't remember the last time he had allowed himself to shed a single tear. Again, she had not mocked him. She had not degraded him for his weakness. Instead, she had taken him into her arms and held him, even as he wept against her like a child. Harboring so much anger had diluted his fighting skills, corrupting his focus and slowly killing his soul. Dauntless would have disposed of him, but she had made the effort to teach him—to show him another way. What did she see in him? It was a mystery that could rival the Bermuda Triangle.

He was brought from his thoughts at the feeling of her hand petting his head, effortlessly soothing him towards a tempting sleep. He was exhausted, and she was so warm, her heartbeat thudding softly in his ear. Her breasts acted as heated, supple cushions against his cheek, and he felt a small shift from her as she pressed her lips to his head.

"Don't ever scare me like that again. I'm so proud of you, Eric."

He closed his eyes, face tensing the slightest bit. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Shhh..."

Like he had many times before, he breathed in her scent to calm his nerves, and he felt her hand cradle the side of his head once more, melting into her touch as her thumb stroked his cheek. Regardless of the embarrassment that still vaguely bubbled in the pit of his stomach, he found that, for the moment, he could breathe again.

Everyone breaks down sometime. More of his past will be shared in future chapters, including how he obtained the scars on his legs. Maybe I'll give y'all a love scene next chapter to make up for all the angst. ;) Also, prepare for another Amity visit! (where there will be more angst but not entirely) The next couple of chapters will be mainly focused on Eric and Rain, but I haven't completely veered off the Allegiant trail, so don't worry!