Chapter 37
Tuesday, February 21
10:50 am
I was walking down the hall, and I saw this chick with this really, really curly Jew hair. It took all my will power to not attack her with a hair straightener.
11:06 am
Umm… okay, so I have this water bottle I took from the fridge. Well, it was already opened, but I didn't think anything of it… Well it's filled with vodka.
Thanks, Shane, really. Thanks.
11:14 am
Mum just texted me. She told me she wants me to come home right away.
For what, dare I ask?
I texted her back and asked her why.
She said, "I'll send Kelsey to pick you up."
Thirty seconds later
I swear to god, if there's another family secret, I will shoot up a playground.
11:23 am
"Who took the cookies from the cookie jar?" "Nathaniel took the cookies from the cookie jar." "Who me?" "Yes, you!" "Fuck you, bitch, I didn't take no goddamn cookies!"
11:30 am
Someone just walked by with a shirt that said, "NPA."
The first thing that came to my mind was, "National Penis Association."
11:31 am
What if that was real? What if there really is a National Penis Association?
Home
11:58 am
Kelsey picked me up from school and took me home.
Apparently, they want me to go to the vagina doctor with Mitchie.
I was like, "Uhh… no…"
Mum said, "You have to! She doesn't want to go alone!"
"Well then have her go with Shane."
"He doesn't want to."
"Then that means that I should?"
"Yea. She seems to like you."
Then I remembered to last night when she bit me for taking the TV remote.
12:05 pm
Ugh. In the car right now. I'm being forced to go.
12:13 pm
I've never liked doctor's offices, and never will.
12:37 pm
EWWW. EEWWWWW.
Oh my god that is sick, that is sick!
I am never coming back here again, thanks.
Do you know what they did to Mitchie!?
They looked up her hoo-ha!
Oh my god, I'm gonna pass out.
Thursday, February 23
8:12 pm
Why do I always have these near-death experiences?
Well, we went to Florida for some sort of publicity thing, Tuesday afternoon. (Just, don't ask.) So we flew all the way there…
Today, Mum had a photo shoot for this bathing suit magazine and I was forced to be dragged along. Well, we went down by this creek and I was just standing there bored and then Mum started screaming and running and there was this huge-ass snake that just crawled up onto the grass we were on, and that little son of a bitch bit me.
So I screamed bloody murder and everyone just stared at me.
I cried and then these two people carried me to the car and they drove me to a hospital and apparently I got bit by a poisonous snake.
I was pretty pissed. It hurt. A lot.
I still hate hospitals.
After Mum finished up her photo shoot, she was kind enough to come visit me in the hospital. She looked at me and said, "Well, better you than me."
But now we're flying back to Kiwi-a-gogo land.
Friday, February 24
7:25 am
We just got back.
Note to self: Never, ever, ever, and I mean NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative. Especially not on a plane.
Sunday, April 12
9:30 pm
Okay, before you kill me for not updating for a billion years, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
But Shane took you away and didn't give you back until 5 minutes ago. He legit kidnapped you for ransom.
I had to pay him forty thousand dollars to get you back.
I'm being serious.
But it doesn't matter because, surprisingly, nothing interesting happened.
But today's Easter.
Haha happy Easter to me…
Mum had the whole family fly down to Washington DC because she sang at the White House this year. Well, at the Easter egg hunt, Shane got really competitive and when we both saw this one purple egg, he said, "THAT'S MINE, MOTHER FUCKKAHHH!" and then when I was bent over to get it, he pushed me as hard as he could away and I slammed against the fence and cut my forehead.
(PS- All Jason cared about when he drove me to the hospital was that I got blood all over his car.)
Seven stitches later, I'm staying in the White House.
Yes, I'm legit.
I am spending the night in the White House.
Obama just LOVES my mum.
Oh, and it was the most hilarious thing, they thought I was an illegal immigrant who wants to shoot the president because of my accent, so they double searched me and like interrogated me. It was pretty intense.
9:39 pm
Me and my bright ideas…
I decided to go exploring.
Well, poo on my shoe, some secret service people caught me.
Monday, April 13
11:06 am
The Obama girls are such cuties.
They wanted me to hang out with them last night, so I did. It was so much fun. They taught me this stupid little dance called the "Hoe Down Throw Down." I don't know who it's by, but I'm thinking the Pussy Cat Dolls. I mean, if the title has the word "hoe" on it, it has to be by them.
Well we're staying here for a few more days, so this will be fun.
Screw school, I'm hanging out with the Obama girls.
11:11 am
I just had this weird sudden longing for Hottie Hoffman.
I SHALL EMAIL HER!
1:03 pm
They want me to watch this movie called the Hannah Montana movie.
I said, "Nuh uhhh!"
And they said, "Yea huhh!"
So I guess I'm watching the movie now. I just can't say no to those little cuties.
2:15 pm
Oh my god… oh my god. AHH!
That wasn't a PCD song! I actually learned a Hannah Montana song! EWW EWWW. I'm more grossed out right now than last week when Shane peed in my bed!
2:16 pm
I feel like I should kill myself right now.
2:17 pm
I can't get the damn song out of my head…
3:03 pm
Went online to see what concerts were coming up in Kiwi-a-gogo land.
I saw one where the Pussy Cat Dolls were opening.
Yesss.
It has always been my dream to see them live!
So, I bought two front row tickets; one for me and one for Kim.
Then I looked at the headlining band, and guess who's going on that tour? Lauren Gray and Gene Simmons.
I just bought tickets to my own parent's show. Why, oh why, did I waste nearly a thousand dollars? Well, I guess some of that money goes back to us…
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
So the Pussy Cat Dolls are opening for my parents?
HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME!?
I love the Pussy Cat Dolls!
3:28 pm
"Don't Cha" came on the radio and I did my dance to it I made up in the middle of the main hall.
All the White House visitors watched me shake my thanggg.
It was pretty embarrassing when I turned around and everyone was standing there, staring at me.
I was like, "Oh… hi…"
And someone took a picture when someone said, "Oh my god, that's Nate Gray!"
Then I said, "Kthxbi," and ran off into Sasha's room.
3:29 pm
Haha, great, everyone's talking about me… ohmigod.
I can't wait to be on the cover of People magazine next week.
3:56 pm
Mum came in the room we were in and said, "So I heard about your dance."
I just said, "Ugh…"
"Wait until someone puts the video on YouTube."
"Screw you Mum, I don't want to talk to you right now…."
"Do you like the Pussy Cat Dolls?"
"Um, yea. Of course. Did you not notice the tens of thousands of pictures of them I have on my wall?"
"No."
"Well, I love them."
"Want to go on a date with them?"
I then legit jumped in the air and screamed.
"I'll take that as a yes," Mum said and started calling someone.
I'm going on a date with the Pussy Cat Dolls!
I think I'm gonna spontaneously combust. Right now.
Tuesday, April 14
2:04 pm
Yo estoy…. On a plane.
See, I can speak Spanish, too!
2:05 pm
Je suis on a plane.
2:06 pm
I am on a plane.
2:07 pm
I am bored on a plane.
2:08 pm
I am watching a movie on a plane.
2:09 pm
I am eating mac and cheese on a plane.
2:10 pm
Damn, I really gotta get myself off this plane!
2:12 pm
Too bad so sad for me, Mum only flies East to West, so we have to fly all the way across the world to go back to Kiwi-a-gogo land.
It's a celebrity thing I will never understand.
10:52 pm
I've watched the whole first season of Friends.
10:55 pm
Went on Facebook.
It's a good thing we have internet on this plane.
5:12 am
Oh bloody hell, we're still on this mother fucking plane!
Gene is already home.
He has his own plane.
WELL, GOOD FOR HIM!
Meanwhile, we'll be flying over Europe.
5:30 am
Oh, I just aime being beat up at five in the morning by Shane.
6:02 am
Fell asleep for like ten minutes.
Woke up when Mum let out a loud scream, which sorta sounded like a dolphin.
She was looking at celebrity gossip and was reading one about her. And how she was a bad parent. (Well, she is.) Anyway, someone has been stalking us or something and so now everyone's talking about us. She's been accused of beating me with a stick. Which, actually, did happen.
But it was just once.
Anyway, she just texted her publicist and asked her what she should do.
9:45 am
Light, cameras, action!
As part of Mum's new-new-new comeback, she is continuing up the reality TV show, but this time, it's about the joys of being a famous mother.
Oh. My. God.
Her? Enjoying being a mother?
Umm, yea right.
Gene enjoys being a mother more than her.
9:47 am
It is to start filming immediately.
Apparently, someone got a picture of her beating me with a stick and put it on the cover of this week's US weekly magazine. American edition, Canadian edition, AND Kiwi edition.
So now all my friends at school will know that my mum enjoys spending her free time beating me with sticks.
How great.
Wednesday, April 14
5:06 pm
We landed in South Africa. I do not even know why we did, but we did. Something about our plane losing or breaking something or some shit like that.
Now we're stuck here until our other private jet comes to rescue us.
Perfect.
Just perfect.
Well, I better go and do what we celebrities do.
I'M OFF TO THE NIGHT CLUBS, BITCH.
Thursday, April 15
2:03 pm
Back on the plane. It's fixed.
Went on perezhilton dot com.
Pictures of me and Mum, passed out, very Lindsay-Lohan like, in the back of a car, are the top rated pictures of the day.
Oh, I just love being famous.
Mum's publicist called her and we all talked to her in the plane. She said, "Not good, not good… Lauren, get your act together. Your son is only sixteen-"
I shouted here, "I'M FIFTEEN!"
"Screw you, Nate!" Then she continued talking to Mum. "Look, point is, you better get your ass back on track. No one's gonna go to your tour, the police are gonna get involved… Bad, this is very bad."
Then she and Mum talked for a long time and I fell asleep because it was seven in the morning and I had a hangover.
10:07 pm
FINALLY HOME!
Oh thank the lord. I was so sick of hearing Mum talk to me about how she would be a better mum.
She was like, "I'll make you breakfast, and wash your clothes, and tuck you in, and make sure you do all your homework."
I said, "Kelsey already does all that."
Then she paused for a long time.
And walked away.
A\N: It's my birthday so review for me!! Thanks! Plus also, who's going to be watching JONAS tonight?! I'll watch it after my brother's concert! He's in a band and I think he's gonna pull me on stage and have everyone sing Happy Birthday for me. That would be so kick-ass. Hint hint, Jean-Luc!