A/N- It had been out intention for a while to bring up the situation between Anna and her family, as it had never really been discussed in great detail before. John's 'betrayal' was how we decided to deal with it. Angst is so difficult to write, but we feel it is needed to keep a story fresh and interesting. Fluffiness is good, but it can get boring chapter after chapter. And although we can accept some may see it as out of character for John, it isn't totally unlike him to keep Anna in the dark about certain things. We believe our John just thought he was doing what was right, not knowing the full story on Anna's past with her family, as is explained in this chapter.

Apologies for the sweary words but if you'd heard the foul mouths of some football coaches in the past, you'd see John is a pussy cat really.

Thanks for your reviews on the last chapter, we have taken them into consideration as we progress with this story.

Disclaimer- Same as chapters 1 - 36.

To say things were strained between John and Anna over the next few weeks was an understatement. He did his best to try and talk to her, but it wasn't easy when at times Anna couldn't even bear to look at him. John knew he was completely in the wrong, his poor excuse for a defence was that he had never understood the full extent of what went on in the past. But he knew better than to push Anna. John needed to patient, however in his darkest moments, he wondered if things would ever be right between them again.

Anna just couldn't believe he had kept her in the dark. After all the business with Michael and the fall out from that, she thought John would realise never to keep things from her again. It was different this time, though. John had made a decision for Anna he had no right to make. Sure, she had been guarded on what had happened with Harry, Mary was the only person on the outside who knew the full details, but she had been obvious with her refusal to meet up with the people she used to call family. And then for him to lie about it, to spare her feelings or not, it just wasn't his place to do such a thing.

Anna and John had been taking it in turns to have the twins overnight and they hadn't shared a bed since their argument. Jean was no fool, she had been watching the marriage between her son and his wife deteriorate. When she approached John about it, he just told her he had blown it, when she asked if things would be alright he answered he didn't know. Michael had been a little slower to recognise John and Anna were going through a rough patch, John was thankful Anna hadn't changed her attitude towards his son.

As the weeks passed to April, the twins were now four months old. Their Christening date had been set for this Sunday, Mary and Matthew were to be Godparents to Mia, Robert and Cora to Heath. It had been decided whilst Anna was pregnant who would be taking on these roles, and now the time had arrived to make it official.

Anna smiled as she saw Mary in the corner of the café they had arranged to meet in. John had agreed to look after Heath and Mia so Anna could meet her friend. She had been her main confidante through it all and the thought of the family gathering that was fast approaching was a daunting prospect, with not being on good terms with her husband. She navigated the tables and fellow coffee drinkers towards where her friend was seated.

'Hello,' Mary rose to her feet to greet Anna, placing a hand on her shoulder and a kiss on her cheek. 'It's lovely to see you.'

'And you,' Anna sighed, sitting down opposite Mary. 'I need this.'

'Those little babies of yours keeping you on your toes?'

'Yeah, but it's lovely all the same. I was more meaning the situation with John.'

'Ah,' Mary nodded in understanding as she passed a cup over to Anna. 'I got the usual.'

'Thanks,' Anna met Mary's gaze and smiled.

'Dad said John is being insufferable at work at the moment.'

Anna tilted her head to the side, her eyes narrowing. 'He shouldn't have done what he did then, should he? I'm sorry it's affecting his work but he should have thought about things.'

'Enough about him and how he's suffering,' Mary took a sip of her coffee before leaning towards her friend. 'How are you feeling about everything?'

'Well, using his car when I know he hates me doing so is giving me a little satisfaction,' Anna admitted with a smirk, 'not that I am always that childish mind.'

'Of course not,' Mary agreed with a wink.

'Thinking I won't notice, he leaves CD's on songs that talk about being sorry for hurting the one you love. If I have to listen to John Lennon's Woman one more time I may scream.'

Mary laughed out loud at Anna's admission. 'God Anna. He's really laying it on thick.'

Anna shrugged off her jacket off before continuing. 'But I'm feeling gutted, to be honest. I love him so much, and all this, what he did makes me wonder if he's the man I thought he was.'

Mary raised her eyebrows. 'Is it that serious?'

'He knew how much I was hurt after the business with Michael. This is a hundred times worse because I told him in no uncertain terms I didn't want to meet up with my family. He didn't listen.'

'Doofus,' Mary uttered as her lips came into contact with her coffee cup.

'The thing is, he probably thought he was doing what was right. He had a secret son for God's sake. He knows what it's like to miss out on family and he doesn't want me to go through the same thing.'

Mary laughed and shook her head. 'There you go again.'

Anna furrowed her brow. 'What?'

'What John did was awful, yet you are trying to justify his actions for him. You are always looking for the best in people.'

Anna considered Mary's remark, running a finger along the rim of her coffee cup as she did so. 'Maybe that's half my trouble.'

'It's a wonderful quality to have, Sweetie. I wish I possessed it. And ultimately, I pray, it will be what brings you and John to reconcile.'

'I don't know. He really hurt me.'

Mary locked her gaze on Anna's. 'You must want to resolve this?'

Closing her eyes at the notion, Anna leant back in her chair and crossed her legs. She looked out of the window, the raindrops from the April showers outside running down the pane of glass. What a question. She had always believed this was it. She and John were going to be together forever, till death us do part. She had never had reason to question it before. But question it she now did.

'I don't know.'

Exhaling a deep breath, Anna put her key in the lock and turned it. Opening the door, she could hear John's booming voice from the living room almost as soon as she had crossed the threshold. Closing the door behind her, Anna hung up her jacket before carefully treading the floor boards towards the living room. She stopped for a minute, gasping out loud as she took in the image before her.

Anna didn't know how he had managed it, but John was lying under the twins baby gym with them, the two little ones gurgling happily beside him as he sang Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star to them. Each of his index fingers had a chubby little hand gripped around them, and Anna felt her heart twinge a little. He really did adore Heath and Mia, and it was clear they adored him too.

He was a perfect father, Anna couldn't deny that. Michael had come through so much, and mostly because of the love and devotion John had showed him. Hell, even she had come through so much because of him. She had broken away from her family to start a new life on her own, but John was the reason she had been able to move on.

She just had to get her head around the fact he had hurt her so. And as she stepped away, rubbing a stray tear from her cheek as she did so, she knew that was easier said than done.

'Yeah, thanks Norm,' Joseph shouted after his colleague. 'I'll clear away the cones on my own, shall I?'

John didn't even acknowledge the coach's remark, thundering into the training ground and heading to Robert's office. The boss was at a League Manager's meeting and John had been left in charge for the day. All that meant really was he had to stay on for an extra three hours and answer phones whilst reviewing tactics for the weekend's match. It just didn't matter at the moment, any of it. John was losing Anna and that was more important than whether they should play one up front or who should partner Nelson Clay in midfield.

Reaching the desk, John rested his head in his hands as he heard the playing staff leaving having carried out their duties for the day. Jovial happy tones reverberated around the corridor outside the office. Of course they were happy. In only their first season in League One, Downton had almost all but secured a play off place, and a shot to get into the Championship, the league below the holy land that was the Premier League.

It had been the stuff of dreams this season. John and Robert, as well as Joseph and the players had worked their socks off to achieve all they had. Under usual circumstances, John would be right there with the players, excited about the prospect of Downton finishing in a higher league position than they had ever been. But he just couldn't join in with their enthusiasm. Not whilst Anna was hurting at the hands of his foolish actions.

Realising he should probably get on with doing what he was paid to, John put on his glasses and began to read through the emails the management team had been sent. A few minutes had passed, John had sifted through twenty emails or so, agents offering their player's services, equipment suppliers trying to sell their products before there was a knock at the door. Lifting his head, John answered without looking at the door.

'Enter.'

The door burst open and the last person John expected to see was Mary. Taking off his glasses, he stood up from his position at the desk. Her expression was unreadable, but with the knowledge Anna confided in Mary, John knew he wasn't going to enjoy this.

'John.'

'Hello Mary.'

'Everything alright?'

'Yeah,' John replied sarcastically, throwing his glasses down on the desk. 'Terrific.'

'Well, you only have yourself to blame.'

'Straight to the point as always, Mary.'

'Do you have any idea how much she is hurting?' John slumped back down into his chair as Mary continued to berate him from the other side of the room. 'How what you have done has brought everything back?'

'But what is everything?' John argued, using his hands to emphasise his point. 'If I knew what actually went on, I probably wouldn't have even dreamt of inviting her mother to the match. I have no idea how bad it was.'

'You shouldn't have invited her anyway.'

John searched for Mary's gaze. 'Do you know about it all?' Mary nodded solemnly in response. 'Great, so she'll tell her best friend but not her husband.'

'Because it's painful for her, John. She doesn't like to talk about it. I only know about it because I dealt with the fall out. I helped her get out and come to Downton.'

'I wish I knew more.'

A few moments of silence fell then before Mary moving further into the room broke it, taking off her coat and sitting opposite John at the desk. 'Alright, I'll tell you but only because I care about the two of you, and I don't want to see your marriage break up.'

'Break up?' John's voice was weak, Mary's demeanour softened upon hearing it. He began to speak before stopping himself, bringing his hand to his mouth. Mary could tell he was fighting back tears. 'Has she said that?'

'She is upset you kept her in the dark again. Especially after when you initially found out about Mikey.'

'Shit,' John huffed, folding his arms.

'Indeed.'

'Tell me what happened then. Make this a hundred times worse and it even more obvious what an idiot I am.'

Mary took a breath before launching into her explanation. 'I'll get to the point. Harry, her ex completely swept Anna off her feet, he was her first love. They had just got engaged when her sister Susie announced she was pregnant.'

'Anna was engaged to him?' John replied in shock, his eyebrows raised.

'Yes John. He was her fiancé. However, he had become distant in the subsequent weeks and when Anna confronted him about why, it was then he revealed he was the Dad to Susie's baby.'

'Fucking hell,' John ran a trembling hand through his hair.

'Anna told her parents, and it was then that her mother told her she knew. She had known from the start about the affair. Both her and Anna's father had.'

'Shit,' John said again, rising to his feet and pacing the floor beside the desk. 'I assumed she and Harry had split before he started things with her sister.'

'No. It was an affair. Anna couldn't believe her mother was okay about the situation, that she had known and done nothing about it. And what hurt even more was when they moved Harry in to be with Susie and the baby.'

'Christ.' John couldn't help it then, a tear fell down his cheek. Not because his betrayal had now been made criminal in his eyes after Mary's revelation, but because of the pain someone as beautiful and perfect as Anna had been made to go through.

'So now do you understand why she was so upset seeing them? How she wasn't over reacting in any way shape or form?'

'Bollocks,' he whispered into the air in front of him.

'And you can't stop swearing as well.'

John turned to look at Mary. 'I've lost her, haven't I?'

All Mary had to offer John was a shrug of the shoulders accompanied by a sad expression. Not what he wanted to see, but it was all he deserved. 'I honestly don't know, John. I pray to God she will come around, but I just don't know.'

Anna looked at her watch again. A quarter past four. John was usually home from training two the latest. She didn't know why she was worrying, she didn't particularly want to speak to John but still, he was her husband and he was never late. Standing up and walking as quietly as she could to the window, both twins were currently asleep, Anna stared out of the window. Her little Ford KA sitting alone was a sorry sight. Just then, Michael and his Nan appeared at the top of the drive, the latter having gone to meet the former from school.

Checking her phone, she was concerned he hadn't replied to her earlier text about needing more nappies. He was usually, especially recently, quick to reply to any requests she may have had. But according to her phone the message hadn't even been acknowledged. But as she held the handset, a message alert went off, a text from Mary.

I went to see John. He's distraught Anna. I really hope you can sort it out, M x

Now she was worried. Thoughts of what usually happened when John was distraught filled her conscious. It was his mother's biggest fear, that he would turn to drink. An idea played over in Anna's mind. She couldn't let this lie, she had to find him. Walking to the hallway, she stood with her arms crossed as Michael and Jean entered the house.

'So, you're catching up alright, then?'

'Yeah,' Michael had replied, 'but it's only year seven. School isn't important until you get to year nine.'

'All your school days are important my lad, and I don't want you thinking any different. Your father thought the same and he ended up doing something as mundane as playing football for a living.' Jean looked up to see Anna beside the living room door. 'Everything alright, love?'

'Yes,' Anna replied, not too convincingly for Jean's liking. 'How was school, Mikey?'

'Boring,' Michael moaned as he hung up his coat. 'But I'm glad the week is over, I can't wait for the Christening.'

'Yeah, it should be a lovely day.' Anna answered, 'Jean, could I ask you a favour?'

Jean nodded as Michael continued on up the stairs to change. 'Can you watch the twins whilst I pick up some last minute things for back here after the Christening?'

'Of course my dear,' Jean replied without missing a beat. 'Where are they?'

'Asleep in their bouncy chairs in the front room,' Anna replied as she put on her coat. 'But Heath was stirring. They are due their bottles in an hour. I should be back but if not there are two freshly made in the fridge.'

'Okay, don't fret,' Jean said, recognising Anna seemed a little harassed.

With a forced smile, Anna left the house. Jean listened to her starting up her little car, it choking a bit having not been used for a while, Anna finding John's 4x4 easier to use with the twins and everything that came with them. Furrowing her brow, Jean looked over her shoulder to see Michael hobbling down the stairs. Although his cast had been taken off, he was still getting used to walking on it properly.

'Dad's home late, isn't he?'

'Yeah, said he'd be here about five,' Jean replied before walking into the kitchen. 'Now, what do you want for tea, my lad?'

Arriving at the training ground, Anna was relieved to see John's car parked in his usual spot. Parking next to him, she got out of the car and made her way into reception. Everyone else had gone home, she noted. The place was deserted. Walking through the double doors that led to the corridor on which Robert's office was located, she half thought about turning back. She knew John was here, that he was safe. But the sound of a raised voice caught her attention and not just any voice, it was John's.

The door to the office was slightly ajar, and as Anna moved closer it was then she heard a voice coming through over the speaker phone, a voice she recognised. It was her mother's. Stopping outside the door, Anna strained to listen to the conversation.

'Well Mrs Smith, I was wrong,' John was shouting, Anna noticed through the crack in the door his hands were flailing, he was pacing beside the desk, clearly agitated. 'It wasn't my place to invite you and I now understand why Anna wants nothing to do with you.'

'But we are her family,' her mother continued to argue, hearing her voice causing Anna's heart to ache. The woman whom she was meant to trust most in the world had betrayed her in ways unimaginable, and Anna still felt the hurt as if it had happened only yesterday.

'You say you are her family, but I've found out what happened. How could you do what you did to your own flesh and blood?'

'You have no right to judge me…'

'Maybe not,' John interrupted Pauline mid sentence, thumping his fist on the desk such was his anger and frustration. Anna jumped as the thud reverberated around the office. 'But I am now speaking to you as Anna's husband, as the person who is meant to protect her. You nearly destroyed the most important person in the world to me and now I've most probably lost her.' Anna gasped as she registered his words, how cutting he was being towards her mother in defence of her. And it had struck a chord. 'All because I thought I was doing what was best for her.'

'You've lost her?'

There was silence then. Anna manoeuvred to look into the room, John pinching the bridge of his nose. Was he crying?

'Being with me is torture for her at the moment, which in turn is torture for me.'

Anna bowed her head at his words, placing a hand over her mouth and closing her eyes. How had it all come to this?

'Oh John, I…'

'Save it,' John snapped. 'You've done enough damage. Now, I'd appreciate it if you didn't get in contact with me again, and if you know what's good for you you'd give up on any further attempts to reach Anna.'

And with those words, Anna heard John hang up the phone. A few moments passed before Anna moved once more to look into the room. His head was in his hands, she could hear his sobbing. She released a breath before looking to the ceiling. Even though John had caused her pain, it didn't change the fact she loved this man with a passion that was immeasurable. Maybe that fact was the reason his betrayal was all the more painful.

She couldn't leave him like this. Giving him a few minutes, she thought of a reason she could be here before gently knocking on the door. She waited before John pulled open the door. His eyes were red, he looked tired, shattered but he still managed a weak smile in her direction.

'Anna.' He was surprised to see her. 'Everything alright?'

'I was in the neighbourhood confirming some last minute things with the caterer for Sunday,' she stuttered, biting her lip as she prayed he bought her excuse.

'You should have asked me, I could have done it on the way home. Everything alright?'

'Yeah.' She quickly changed the subject. 'You're here late.'

'I'm covering for Robert, he's at a meeting. I did mention it last night over dinner.'

'Did you?' Anna furrowed her brow before memories of the conversation came back to her. She had only been half listening. 'Right. Well I'll leave you to it.'

'I'll only be about another half hour then I'll be home.'

'Okay,' Anna nodded, looking beyond him into the office at the phone. 'I'll see you at home.'

Anna was relieved to find Jean on her own in the living room when she returned. She need to talk to someone about what she had just witnessed, and her mother in law had proven to be an understanding person to confide in.

'Mikey upstairs?'

Jean looked over her shoulder from her position on the floor with the babies to see Anna entering the room. 'Doing his homework, love. I said if he did it now I'd give him a fiver to go and get some of those trading cards he collects later on.'

Nodding in understanding, Anna sat down beside her mother in law. Heath and Mia were laid out in front of them, Jean having changed them ready for bed. 'You didn't have to do that, get them all changed.'

'It was a pleasure,' Jean insisted, ticking Heath's tummy and smiling causing him to gurgle happily. Anna stroked his cheek before lifting Mia into her embrace, settling the baby between her legs. 'Did you get everything sorted?'

Jean turned her head when Anna didn't answer, her heart sinking when she saw that Anna was beginning to cry. 'God Jean, this is such a mess.'

'Now, now my darling,' Jean placed an arm around Anna's shoulders. 'It can't be all that bad, surely?'

'Has John not told you everything?'

'John had always been closely guarded. All he's told me is he made a mistake and that he doesn't know if you'll ever forgive him.'

'I just don't know what to do, Jean. I love him with all my heart but…' She stopped, shaking her head. Jean tightened her grip on Anna's shoulder, the younger woman finding the gesture strangely reassuring. 'He knows the full extent of what happened with my family, and now understands he shouldn't have done what he did.'

'This mistake he talks of.'

'Yeah. I am trying so hard to forgive him and just when I think I can I remember what he did and the pain becomes real again.'

'Listen to me, my girl. I know first hand what an idiot John can be. He acts first and thinks later.'

Anna laughed a little at her mother in law's assessment of her husband. 'I know his heart is in the right place, it always is. But he went against my wishes because he thought he was doing what was in his opinion right, without any thought about what I wanted.'

'So, where do you see this going?'

Anna looked at Jean with confusion etched on her face. 'Mary asked me that. I don't know.

'This has been going on for weeks, Anna.' Jean pointed out as she moved Heath to sit up between her legs, the little boy whimpering before settling in his Nanny's arms. 'I guess what I'm asking you to realise is that if you can't forgive the man, then the only way out of a marriage is divorce.'

A shiver ran down Anna's spine. Divorce. She thought of the expression on John's face if she ever asked him for such a thing. It killed her. It had taken John's mother spelling it out in unmistakable terms for the situation to hit home. Jean had a knack for making those around her see a situation in plain black and white. She was a no nonsense sort of woman and Anna needed that.

The word divorce had a frightening finality to it. Thinking of a life without John at all chilled her to the bone. But if things were to improve, the only people who could make that happen were herself and her husband. And she would need to make sure John knew if he ever lied to her or kept her in the dark once more, that would be it. Anna had been hurt too much in her life to put up with such a thing happening again. Even from John.

It wasn't deserved at all, but Anna wanted to give him a second chance. Hearing the way John had spoken to her mother made Anna realise he understood how much he had messed up. She felt the slightest pang of guilt, although she knew she shouldn't, at not having been open with him about the situation from the start. Anna didn't want to punish him. Not any more. As she thought about her husband and all they shared, she suddenly realised she missed him.

Breaking up? Divorce? Anna couldn't even contemplate the thought of that.

Jean's voice brought Anna out of her silent reverie. 'I've seen enough of life to know when we find a love like the one you and John share, we must do everything we can to hold on to it.'

'It's going to take time,' Anna replied with a murmur. 'I need to build up my trust in him again.'

'Of course you do, my girl. And John will understand that. But don't give up on him. You are the best thing to ever happen to him and he worships the ground you walk on.'

Anna responded to Jean's words with a nod of the head. 'I know.'

He didn't even know why the television was still on. He hadn't really kept up with the storyline in the crime drama that was playing out on the screen and had turned the volume down. Anna had taken the twins to bed an hour or so ago, Jean following her upstairs. John had remained in this position ever since. He couldn't get his head around what Anna's family had done to her. How a parent could treat their child in such a way completely flummoxed him. Especially someone as flawless as his wife. A woman he held above all others. His perfect Anna.

The sound of the door opening made him jump a little in the stillness of the room. Their movements were quick, and out of his peripheral vision John recognised it to be Anna in her pyjamas. He held his breath as she placed the baby monitor on the coffee table in front of them. He couldn't bring himself to look up at her. All that was running through his mind was that this was it, she was about to tell him she couldn't see a way through this.

As she slumped down beside him, John swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut. For this perfect few minutes he could pretend everything was alright. He was still married to the woman of his dreams and she wasn't about to send the walls around him crumbling down. But what happened next sent John's heart beating at a quicker pace than it had for weeks, like a clock that finally been fitted with it's last piece and had suddenly started ticking.

His eyes opened. She was resting her head on his shoulder, the soft silkiness of her hair resting against his cheek. John exhaled a heavy breath, a sensation of relief flooding through his body.

'I miss you,' she whispered.

He couldn't help it, the instinctive sob that left him at her words was clearly audible in the calm atmosphere of the room. His voice was choked as he replied. 'God knows I miss you too, Anna. So much.'

'I heard you on the phone earlier,' Anna revealed, keeping her head firmly where it was. 'Speaking to my Mum. Who told you about it all?'

'Mary,' John revealed, knowing better than to keep anything from Anna now. 'I asked her to tell me, don't be angry at her.'

'I'm not angry at anyone anymore,' Anna replied solemnly. 'I'm through with being angry.'

'I'm so sorry,' John began to say before Anna hushed him.

'Sssh, I am tired of hearing how sorry you are. I know you are sorry. What matters is where we go from here.'

John composed himself before continuing the conversation. 'Only you can decide that.'

'All I know is I have never loved anyone like this, John. That is what I remembered today and that is ultimately the reason why I am still here. I don't want to lose you.'

'It scares me that this life would mean absolutely nothing without you, Anna.'

'Then you have to stop keeping things from me,' she argued back, sitting forward now to look back at him. 'This will never last if you don't. And you certainly don't make decisions for me thinking you know best.'

'I didn't know the full story when I invited your mother. I just wanted you to have what I have with my Mum.' He shook his head, knowing what he knew now meant that just wasn't possible. 'I'm an eejit.'

Anna smiled at him, a gesture that meant so much more than any words she could utter to reassure him. She hadn't smiled at him for weeks.

'Yes, you are,' she agreed with him. 'But you're my eejit.'

They laughed in unison then, John placing a hand between her shoulder blades. Their gaze locked on one another. He clenched his jaw as their laughter died down. 'Are we alright, then?'

'No,' Anna shook her head, dampening John's spirits a little before she spoke again. 'But we will be. It's going to take time.'

'Of course.' John understood that. Anna held his attention as she walked to the chair and pulled the throw from the back of it. 'What are you doing?'

'Will you hold me for a little while? Before I go up?'

It was more than he had hoped for, but John settled against the arm of the sofa and opened his arms to accept Anna into his embrace. His whole body was enveloped in warmth as she rested her back against his front before placing the throw over them. John held her as tightly as he possibly could, his arms wrapped around her waist. When her hands rested on his forearms, John felt his heart miss a beat. He had missed her touch more than he could ever describe in words.

As the seconds passed into minutes, John realised Anna had fallen into slumber in his arms. He knew it was a tad self indulgent, but he couldn't bring himself to wake her. The twins were settled, and so was she. Anna had afforded him another chance and it was the most precious gift he had ever received. He felt like he had waited a lifetime to feel Anna in his arms once more, and he was damned if he was going to let her go again.