WHITE OUT

The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues. You can't separate them. They're wedded. ~Henry Miller

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.

A/N: Thanks so much for awesome responses I got. Wow, what motivation! This is the last "chapter", the Epilogue will follow soon.

THE LETTER

Pulling the squad into the bay both men simply sat after the engine was turned off. It had been the longest day either could remember in a long time and they were emotionally and physically drained. When they managed to pull themselves out they were instantly greeted by Hank.

"Can I see you two in my office?"

They numbly nodded and echoed each other's 'sure Cap' replies.

Hank leaned back in the chair making a careful assessment of the men and friends in front of him. His call to check on everyone had led him to Dixie who updated him. Even though the man wasn't technically family he understood how this would impact them all in regards to Emily.

"Dixie told me about what happened. Guys, I'm really sorry he didn't make it."

Johnny sat in the chair by the desk. "Thanks Cap."

"How is Emily holding up?"

Roy leaned against the wall. "As expected I guess. She seemed kinda stoic when we left and Kanda is worried about her."

Hank nodded. His intuition was right on in regards to the situation.

"Dowell and Brice are on the way in to relieve you two."

Their heads popped up in surprise.

Hank continued. "As soon as they arrive, go home and take care of your family. Let me know if there is anything we can do to help."

Relief washed over Roy knowing they would be there to support Emily instead of Kanda bearing all the weight tonight. "Thanks Cap, this means a lot to us."

Hank waved his hand. "No thanks necessary. Families help each other."

Johnny simply nodded and managed a little smile for his thoughtful Captain.

Kanda pulled the covers up onto Emily, who was already fast asleep, then quietly proceeded downstairs to the nursery to find Rose being rocked by Roy. She couldn't help the smile that tugged at her cheeks seeing the man she loved so much holding something so precious. He had been through this with two children already, but it was easy to see how naturally it came to him.

"Hey," she whispered.

He looked up and smiled with a finger to his lips in a silent Shhhh to her. She nodded back, having no intensions of rousing the little gem. Once he had placed her into her crib they both left the room and walked to the kitchen. Roy sat down at the table while Kanda poured them some coffee.

"How is she?" He asked as he sipped the soothing liquid.

"Sleeping. Poor thing."

He nodded. The memory of pulling her off Kindle so they could run the code still tore at his heart. They had heard the Code Blue alert and within seconds a nurse was out in the waiting room calling for help because Emily wouldn't leave the room. Johnny and Roy had rushed in only to find her refusing to let go of his hand. Rose was still tucked between his arm and his side. Johnny whispered to her continuously while he pulled her fingers free from him and Roy took Rose from the room. Once in the waiting room she quietly asked for Rose back and no longer cried but simply waited in silence until they heard what the outcome was.

The crying woman in the room was Mrs. Margaret Kindle, his wife who had arrived just a few minutes earlier after receiving the news while visiting her mother in San Diego. Kanda noted with curiosity the lack of questions in the woman's eyes regarding all of them waiting alongside her.

Perhaps she already knew of them?

Joe Early delivered the devastating news regarding the failed resuscitation and how hard they had tried to save his life. His compassion was heartfelt as the wife wailed in grief and Emily softly cried in Johnny's arms.

The moments after that were a blur. They were left alone in the waiting room as his family went to see him. Kanda offered Emily some time with him, but she refused, saying she had already said her goodbyes. As Kanda took her and the baby home they had returned to work knowing their shift must be finished. There weren't enough words for Roy to express how much it meant to him to work with such a close knit group and a Captain that understood them all on good and bad days.

Now Kanda and Roy sat at the table while Emily slept from exhaustion.

"When will Johnny be back?" She asked.

Roy leaned back in the chair, his elbow propped up on the back wood slats. "He should be back soon. Dixie was meeting him when she got off shift and there wasn't much stuff to pick up."

Kanda nodded back and yawned. It had been a day from hell and she was exhausted too.

"Why don't you go on to bed, I'll wait for him and lock up." Roy offered.

"Geez, it's not like I'm 15 mom."

Johnny wearily sat at the table with them looking downtrodden and defeated. Still Kanda smiled at his wisecrack. It showed her that her Johnny was still down there somewhere.

"Just glad to have you back home is all." She passed him some coffee.

"Hell of a day." He mumbled as if reading their thoughts.

They sat quietly around the table in the silence until Johnny pushed a large manila envelope to the center of it.

"What's this?" Kanda said as she spun it around to see the writing on the front.

For Emily Jackson

In the event of my death.

She gasped. "Where did you get this?"

Johnny pointed at it. "Kindle made me take it at the office before we left. I think he knew then."

The implications pulled at them and as their eyes found each other they worried how much more Emily could handle.

Kanda gently pushed it back across the table to him and took a deep breath. "It belongs to her and tomorrow we'll see her through it. Maybe she can finally have some peace in her life."

Rose's wailing woke up Kanda enough to see that the sun was up and it was time to get the day started. Slipping on her house shoes she pulled on her robe and headed down the stairs thinking she might be able to keep Rose from waking up the whole house.

The nursery door was already open and she saw Emily standing outside peeking in. When she saw Kanda approaching she quickly gave her the quiet sign and pointed into the nursery. With a little shifting they could both watch the show.

"Hold your horses, I'm coming." Johnny said as he held a diaper and lotion in one hand and clothes, wipes and a clean sheet in the other.

"Horses….really, like you could hold horses at your age. Course we do have plenty and could test the theory ya know." He leaned down to her. "What would you think about that huh? Mommy won't let me take you riding yet, but she will have to give in soon." He shook his head. "Can't grow up near horses and not learn to ride early."

Rose wailed.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming and with no horses, I promise."

Rose continued to fuss as he talked but the loud crying had stopped as she watched him.

"How can something so little make such a disaster?" He muttered to himself and to her as he put all the items on the changing table.

Picking her up with his hands under her arms, supporting her head, but carefully avoiding the entire lower half he held her out at arm's length and walked to the table.

"Good Lord Rose, I think this is a little dramatic for someone your size. Was all this really necessary?"

Once at the table he discovered he had left no room for her amongst all the needed items.

"Well, um, let's see here," he said as he tried to push the sheet and wipes to the side with his head only managing to shove them off onto the floor.

The girls stifled the giggles that wanted to erupt.

Finally he had a place and laid her down.

"Wow Rose, you definitely do not smell like one at the moment. If I smelled like that I'd be crying crocodile tears too." He took a soft cloth and gently wiped her face off.

Somehow he managed to remove her clothes with only two fingers and promptly dropped them in the diaper pail while he pulled out about twenty wipes and began to scrub her down like she was the squad after a drive through the mud.

"Gotta get every corner here. No, no, don't be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us. Here, want this?"

They couldn't see what he handed her, but apparently she didn't like it and let loose another scream of protest.

"Okay, okay, fine, geesh. Don't get your diaper in a wad, here, you can have this."

She was instantly quieted as he continued.

"Now, that's better." He worked at putting new clothes on her and when done he picked her up and smiled at her.

"Now, there's the sweet girl that is a rose." He pushed everything on the changing table off into the diaper pail to deal with at another time. "Let's go find your momma cause you'll go hungry with me kid."

Kanda and Emily quickly darted from the door and sat down at the kitchen table looking innocent. Johnny came through the doorway with Rose in his arms and a giant smile on his face.

"Good morning ladies."

Kanda smiled. "Good morning, and what has you up so bright and early?"

He walked over to Emily and passed Rose to her, only after planting a tender kiss on the tiny cheek.

"I had no idea that lungs so little could pack such a punch at 6am."

They both laughed at him.

"What?" They looked privy to a joke he was left out of.

"Thank you John for getting up with her." She stood up. "We'll be back in a few minutes."

Kanda got up and began breakfast. "Where's Roy?"

"He was up before me out at the barn helping with morning chores."

Kanda shook her head. "What's gotten into everyone around here?"

He smiled a genuine smile that she hadn't seen in a very long time from her little brother. "I guess it's just a new day sis."

She understood the feeling. There was still grief for the loss of Kindle and they would all attend the funeral, but with Nick gone it seemed like a giant weight had been lifted off their shoulders in the last twenty four hours.

The smell of breakfast brought Roy to the back door and Emily with Rose back to the kitchen. They gathered around the table and relaxed around home cooking and fellowship with family. Emotions were still guarded a bit, but the air of stress and tension seemed to be leaving the house and all were grateful for that.

"I'll find out the funeral arrangements today," Kanda said as Roy helped her clear the table and wash dishes.

"Okay, Johnny and I have a long weekend off so we will hang around here to help you catch up with the to-do list."

She smiled and leaned in for a quick kiss. "Thanks hon."

They heard a clearing of the throat and turned to see Johnny at the door holding the envelope.

"I think I need to give this to her."

Roy nodded. "Want me to go with you?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I got this. Just wanted to let you know since I have no idea what's in here."

Kanda wiped her hands on the dish towel signaling she was finished and Roy took her hand leading her through the house.

"We'll be on the front porch if you need us." She told him.

Johnny stood outside the nursery door and listened to her singing to Rose and said a silent prayer that what he held wouldn't do any further damage in her life. There had been enough of that and it was time for her to be able to move on.

He gently tapped on the door and she looked up from the rocking chair and motioned for him to come in. The smile he pulled up was halfhearted and she instantly picked up on it.

"Is everything okay John?"

He sat down beside her. "When we went to the office and found out about the shooting Kindle was conscious and talking."

He heard her breathing hitch.

"His only thoughts were of you Em."

She smiled softly as her eyes watered up. "Thank you."

"He asked me to take this envelope and give it to you." He passed it to her.

Reading the front writing she took a deep breath.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Shaking her head she smiled. "I'll be okay. Just give me a few minutes."

Reluctantly he nodded and rose to leave.

She caught his hand. "Thank you, for everything."

Leaning down he gave her a tender kiss to the cheek and squeezed her hand. "We're here for you Em."

Emily put Rose down in her crib as she slept peacefully and without worries. Taking the envelope she tore open the sealed end and with shaking hands pulled out the documents that it held.

An hour later she emerged from the nursery to find them waiting anxiously in the living room for her. Her eyes were red from the tears and she sat down beside Kanda passing her the envelope.

Kanda took it, unsure what to do. "Emily, this is between you and him. We respect your privacy."

Emily shook her head. "I know everyone has questions and these papers answer them, for the most part. You're my family now and I have no interest in keeping secrets from you. I would like you to read them please."

"Are you sure?" Johnny asked. Even though he was dying to know what was in there he would never break that trust with her.

"Yes," she said with confidence. "If you would Kanda, read it out loud because I have some questions too."

Kanda opened it up and pulled out the papers.

Paper one was a hand written letter from Kindle to Emily. She noted it was written two days prior to his death.

My Dearest Emily,

I have prepared this packet of information for you in the event of my death, so I will assume that it has come to pass and I am no longer there to take care of you. In this envelope you will find all your documents regarding your accounts and how to handle them. I always did this for you because I wanted to, but now it is up to you to take over your wonderful business. Everything you need and all the wisdom I have to offer is documented here for you.

The hardest part of saying goodbye is I feel the need to share with you some information about your past and how it is affecting your present. I am writing this letter to share with you four undeniable truths. They may surprise you; they may also hurt you, but I tell you this dear Emily, let not anything you find here stop the beauty you hold inside you.

The first truth begins with a story about a young man who was brash, arrogant, self-centered, and never seemed to do anything right. His days were full of self-regard and he counted his female conquests as if trophies for the wall. One day one of these girls came to him and told him of a pregnancy and his self-centered world began to crumble around him, but even more shocking was her decision to abort the baby. Although he had no concept on how to be a father he begged her to not go through with it. Nine months later a child was born and at the demand of her mother the infant was placed with an adoption agency. He was never allowed to see her. Years later he tracked her down, to a middle class family in California and tried to get her back, but it was too late and the adoptive family refused to allow him to be involved.

Emily, you were that child and I was the stupid young man.

From the moment you were born I loved you even when I didn't realize what love really was. Having you taken away left a hole inside me that college, law school, and any amount of success didn't take away. When I found you again and got to see the beautiful young girl you had become I knew I couldn't rest unless you were happy and protected.

Therefore, the second truth is your adoption and although they raised you, they were not your birth parents. Your mother was killed at the tender age of 25 in an auto accident and it drove me even stronger to locate you.

The third truth is something I am not pleased with myself over though it was necessary at the time. My separation from you didn't end with finding you because your adoptive parents would not allow me access to you. At that point I was in a position to access secrets that I knew would work for me. I'm not proud of what I did, but I also would do it again if it meant being closer to you. I found out your adoptive mother had an affair. I used this knowledge to blackmail her into letting me into your life.

I became a "family friend" and ultimately your guardian and benefactor. Over the years the knowledge I held was no longer an issue as your mother could see I only had your best interests at heart. I knew the death of your brother was very hard on you and the following years of your mother treating you differently was unfortunately related to the fact that he was her birth son and you were adopted. Her resentment wasn't fair and I stepped into a stronger protector mode at that point of your life. It was then I dictated that you would be sent to art school knowing you needed to get away.

I never dreamt that you would find Nick and fall in love so young and could not have foreseen the horrors he would bring into your life.

However, Maggie was a blessing to you and when she was killed my grief was almost unbearable. Then when I almost lost you….I don't know if you could ever realize the pain I felt when you almost died on that mountain.

I also never imagined that Kanda, Roy, and John would become such an integral part of your life and I ask for their forgiveness at my willingness to do anything to protect you, even run them off. It's a very good thing they don't scare easily because I know that right now they are with you and helping you through my departure.

The fourth truth is more of an unknown to you but greatly affects you. Your mother had an affair with a man that was unimaginably cruel and heartless, who used her and abused her in terms of emotional and physical pain. If I had known her then the man wouldn't have lived long enough to move to the next woman. Another shock in my life was dealing with him later in my efforts to rescue you from Nick.

That man was FBI Agent Mullins.

There were no ethics or morals inside him and thankfully he was too stupid to ever put together who you were and an affair from years past. I had no qualms with using him to my purpose in finding you and his connections with the FBI served me well when I needed them.

My warning to you is to avoid him at all costs in the future. I know he has already been removed from the FBI department due to selling secrets to the mob and they are hunting him down, but never forget his motives are only self-serving. The world will be a better place when he is no longer a part of it.

My only worry is Nick in your life and me not being around to help you deal with him. Please let Roy and John help and protect you until Nick finds other pursuits in his miserable existence to distract him.

These truths are not what define you my dear. Only know that as your father I have always loved you, always tried to protect you, and did everything possible to help you have a good life. Your mother loved you too. She was just young and afraid. The only thing she knew to do was to try and give you a better life. Your adoptive parents loved you despite their faults and failures and please know you were never responsible for their deaths.

And lastly, Maggie will always be with you and now you have beautiful Rose to bring the joy of life back into your heart.

I love you very much Emily and hope that after you process all this information you will be able to move forward and give Rose everything you want her to have.

Kanda put the letter down and sat, along with the others, in stunned silence. A quick glance at the remaining papers revealed them as bank documents regarding Emily's different accounts around the world. There was a copy of her original birth certificate listing Kindle as the father and an old photo of her mother as a beautiful young lady, with long blonde hair, sitting on a swing with a big smile on her face and a very pregnant stomach.

There were several pictures of Emily as a young girl and teenager with Kindle at school events, art exhibits, him and her at her wedding, and a picture of him holding Maggie.

Quiet tears ran down Kanda's face as she passed the pictures to Johnny and Roy. It surprised her when Emily took her hand. She turned to find a peaceful smile on her face.

"I think I've known deep down for a while that he was my father. It just kinda made sense."

"Are you okay?" Kanda asked through her tears.

Emily nodded. "When I went to see him after the surgery that feeling returned and it seemed to crash down on me. Like, how could I have not known? I told him I loved him and called him Dad, right before his heart stopped beating."

She took the picture of her and him standing in front of one of her gallery openings. "He was always there for me and I'm grateful for that time with him. Being adopted is okay too. I mean it's kinda funny I always felt out of place unless I was with my grandmother." She almost chuckled. "Now I know she really wasn't."

Kanda shook her head. "No she was, in every way you needed her to be she was your grandmother, just like he was your brother. You loved them and should never let those memories go."

Emily hugged her. "Thanks."

Johnny stood up. His mind was still sifting through the four truths. "So he used Mullins to find you because of the abusive affair he had with your adoptive mother years before?"

Emily pulled out more papers, old handwritten letters and some typed. "These are some of the communications between my dad and Mullins. It was my dad that put two and two together and used it to his advantage. The poor man never realized why."

"It's official. We are a soap opera." Johnny said as he ran his fingers though his hair.

Emily and Kanda laughed.

Kanda then embraced her in a bear hug. "Pretty much yes. The only difference is this one is going to have a happy ending."

EPILOGUE TO FOLLOW