"...Refill, please?" Stanford Pines politely asked the bartender. Just as he was topped off, a near-identical old man shuffled over to the open bar and thrust out an empty plastic milk jug.
"Fill 'er up. Whatever you got on tap here, all the way to the top." Stanley Pines casually nodded to his brother. "Hey."
The mortified Ford groaned. "What do you think you're doing?"
"What's it look like? Do you see how much free food and drinks they've got going on here? We'd be morons not to try and stock up!"
"Stan, no. We're not taking home a whole….hold on….is that backpack full of sliders?"
"Well Mr. Genius-nerd, if you can think of a better way to carry them, then…." The escalating argument was mercifully cut short when Dipper appeared.
"Either of you seen Mabel anywhere?"
Before either of his great-uncles could answer, the woman in question suddenly appeared among them, breathless and wide-eyed with panic.
"GottafindPacificahe'sgonnagether!" She frantically garbled out all at once.
"Whoa, whoa, what?" Dipper motioned for her to calm down. His sister paused for a moment and took in a slow, deep breath.
"WegottafindPacificahe'sevilthebabysuspecteditbutIdidn'tandnow-"
"Easy there! Easy! C'mon!" Stan gave her a couple hearty pats on the back until she could make herself intelligible.
"This...this guy…was hanging around…." She gasped out in spurts. "I thought he'd be a great match for Pacifica, but….talked to him…. said allllll this crazy stuff about taking her and making her his wife….and then he was just gone, and now…."
From what the others could tell, paranormal trouble were definitely afoot. Her clan went on immediate high-alert.
"What? What did he look like?" Dipper could feel every one of his muscles anxiously tense tight as a drawn bowstring.
"He was…." As she recalled the gorgeous man, she fell into a sort of trance right before their very eyes. "An unforgettable smile….skin smoother than marble….and sweet baby blue eyes that you just wanted to go for a swim in…."
"Wait, what?" Her brother's cry snapped her out of it. "What are you talking about?"
"You have to see this guy! He's like….he's almost too handsome! And charming! You've never seen a man as gorgeous as him, ever! Itt's like witchcraft! Hunky, hunky, witchcraft!"
"Okay Mabel, I need you to think. Can you remember anything else about him?" Ford asked.
"Actually…." She recalled one particular detail. "There was one thing that was pretty fishy about him."
"What? Something about his look? The way he talked?"
"Now, I mean like, fishy-fishy." Her face crumpled in disgust. "His breath smelled like a can of tuna."
Ford's brow furrowed grimly. "Sounds like we're dealing with a selkie."
"Huh? What's silky?" She asked.
"No, selkies." The expert explained. "Also known as the seal-folk. A kind of shapeshifter. They live as seals in the sea, but they take the form of humans when they come on land to find mates. Their land forms are extremely attractive, and their powers of seduction are legendary. They also-"
"Wait, so, a seal-person...uh, creature-whatever came all the way here? To Gravity Falls?" Dipper sounded incredulous. This seemed a little too ridiculous even by their standards. "We're not near the ocean. Like, at all."
"Sometimes they travel pretty far inland. At least the picky ones do." Ford replied matter-of-factly. His brother raised a bushy eyebrow.
"And how the heck do you know?"
"Because when I tried dating shortly after I moved here….let's just say one of my exes gave me trouble." He left it at that, and thankfully there was no time to press him for details.
"Wait, so he's going to take Pacifica to live in the sea?!" Mabel yelped. "Forever?"
Ford reached under his sweater and checked the hidden holster underneath. "If that's what we're dealing with, then unfortunately yes."
"What? Then we gotta find her!" Dipper didn't want to waste another moment. "Mabel, where-"
"On it!" She knew exactly what he was going to ask. The woman shoved a finger and thumb in her mouth, whistled hard, and a faint cry went up from the packed partygoers.
"Coming Mommy!"
Mabel's little ones beelined over, each one holding one of their aunt's hands as they pulled her along. Wendy looked like she was walking on broken glass as she struggled to keep up. Happy to be off the dance floor, she went to the nearest chair and collapsed. The tiny twins bounced up and down, ready and waiting to help.
"Okay babies, periscope time!" Mabel announced before passing Phoebe off into Stan's arms. She and Dipper scooped up a child each, stood them on their shoulders and start spinning around in slow circles to give them a full three hundred and sixty degree view.
"What are we looking for?" Finn chirped excitedly.
"We need you to find your Aunt Pac-" Their mother didn't even get to finish before Gladys lit up with a cry.
"Found her! I WIN!" She pointed victoriously. Across the room, the heir to the Northwest fortune was chatting one-on-one with a man so inhumanly handsome that he actually took Dipper's breath away.
"Whoa."
"I know, right?" His twin whispered.
From the looks of it, Pacifica seemed to have forgotten the world around her. All her attention was completely focused on the beautiful specimen of man standing before her. As he spoke to her she wore a smile so big that it threatened to take over her face. He held out his hand, and the hopelessly enchanted woman gladly took it. Together they strolled out towards the back of the house.
"No! Wait!" Mabel confused several nearby partygoers with her defiant cries. "SHE'S NOT YOUR SEA-WIFE! GET BACK HERE, YOU GORGEOUS MONSTER!"
"All right, let's move it!" Despite his advanced years, Ford was always ready for a scrap. Stan however was perfectly happy to stay back with the baby as most of the clan charged off.
"Wait, what's going on? Who's taking Pa-" Wendy stood back up and tripped right onto her stomach.
"Yeesh. Still not one for getting too dolled up, are you?" Stan remarked as he held out a wrinkled arm. His great niece-in-law latched on and ungracefully hauled herself up.
"I hate heels…." She fumed darkly. "Hate, hate heels…."
By the time that the rest of the Pines had navigated the partying crowds, sped through the kitchen and several hallways, raced out a service door and finally caught up, the kidnapper and his bride-to-be had exited a small back gate and were just about to vanish into the surrounding forest.
"STOP!" Dipper yelled breathlessly.
"Oh, hey there!" The selkie happily recognized Mabel. "It's okay, I don't need any more recommendations. You were right, she's everything a guy like me could want. Well, half-guy technically."
"I changed my mind! You're a terrible match!" Mabel snarled.
"Oooh, I think she would have to disagree with you a little. Isn't that right, honey?" He wrapped an arm around her waist and hugged her close. Pacifica smiled dreamily as she cuddled against him. The glassy-eyed woman was completely under his spell.
"Hey...have you met my new husband yet?"
"All right, let her go and step away." Ford reached under his sweater and took out a small handheld crossbow. The selkie however wasn't intimidated in the slightest, and merely chuckled at the fierce-faced family.
"You really wouldn't stop a guy from talking his brand-new wife home with him, would you?" He then flashed them a majestic smile. The sheer beauty of it instantly disarmed them.
"We're sorry…" Dipper grinned apologetically.
"Don't forget to send us an invite to the wedding." Mabel giggled as the glorious, glorious smile completely captivated her. Even Ford was having trouble keeping it together as he harmlessly fired off his weapon in the opposite direction.
"It's so beautiful…it's just…..wait….wait! No you don't!" He struggled valiantly against the urge to gawk like an idiot. "Mabel! Dipper! Fight it! We have to resist his charms!"
"How can I say no….to a face like that?" Asked his stupefied great-niece.
Luckily for them, selkie charms didn't seem to work on children. Neither of Mabel's kids could see what the big screaming deal was about the admittedly nice-looking man. All they knew was that was that he was taking one of their honorary family members away, and that was simply unacceptable.
"Hey! Hey, that's our Aunt Paci!" Finn yelled.
"You give hew back!" Gladys squealed as their charged and pounced on the startled creature.
Now that they were no longer being hypnotized by impossibly good looks, the other Pines were freed from their trance. Ford moved with surprising speed for his age as he dragged Dipper and Mabel behind the nearest shrub.
"Wait, the kids-" Dipper yelled.
"It's okay, my babies can handle themselves!" Mabel shot back confidently. And hold their own they did. The little twins crawled all over their opponent, all the while ferociously punching away with tiny fury-filled fists.
"Hey, c'mon guys. We don't need to….ow! Alright, that's enough...c'mon…." Not even being viciously attacked could stop the selkie from being an impossibly lovable gentleman.
"Run! Run Aunt Paci!" Finn yelled. But Pacifica watched on in a total daze.
"Wh-what are you doing to my husband?"
"A little help? Please" He winced as the little boy sunk his baby teeth into his leg. She tittered like a drunk and eagerly came to his aid. Meanwhile the others tried to regroup as fast as they could. Relying on a pair of three-year-olds definitely wasn't something they could do for long.
"That guy, he's...he's just….he's….he's dangerously beautiful!" Dipper still reeled with shock. "It's like every single Renaissance painting rolled into one person!"
"He's not just eye candy! He's the entire candy shop!" Mabel despaired.
"You can't fall for it!" Ford snapped while he reloaded. "It's our only chance!"
"How? You can't look at that handsome face for even a second before….oooh! Ooh, that's it!" She shot off before either her great uncle her twin knew what was happening. "I'm going in!"
The children meanwhile were gradually being routed. Pacifica managed to tug Gladys off after an epic struggle.
"All right," She sang with a mindless smile. "Stop playing around, we have to go now."
"No! Don't go! Don't goooooo!" The child squealed.
"Sorry kiddo." The selkie said kindly. "But we got a long way back home, so I'd really rather get going sooner than lat-"
"Nobody's going anywhere!" Mabel raced around and blocked their exit into the woods. Even with Finn clinging doggedly to his leg and the brunette boldly staring him down, the selkie was unfazed. Once again he simply flashed his dangerously hypnotic smile.
"Oh come now, we don't-" And suddenly he found himself staring at what was without a doubt the most stunningly beautiful visage he had ever seen in his entire life. He was immediately enraptured. "Well...h-hello there…"
While he was transfixed by his own reflection in her compact mirror, Mabel hurriedly motioned to her son. Finn jumped clear just as she whipped out her favorite weapon and took aim. The grappling hook hit the selkie dead-on in the chest and dropped him like a bag of cement.
"Good shooting!" Ford laughed. However, they didn't have much time to bask in victory. The selkie was down, but not out. The creature climbed back to his feet with a disappointed sigh.
"I really didn't want to have to do this the hard way…." His magnetic personality bewitched Mabel again in a heartbeat, making her an easy target as he charged right at her.
"NO!" Dipper shoved his twin out of the way. Suddenly it felt like he had been rammed by a miniature freight train, and he went flying through the air. Ford raised the crossbow and took aim.
"Don't you dare-" Only one swipe from the creature was all it took to send him soaring. Thankfully, his body found a cushion to land on. Dipper unfortunately was the cushion.
"Selkies…..h-have the strength of a grown-seal...even when on land…." the old man unhappily recalled.
"How big do seals get?" His great-nephew wheezed.
"Northern fur seals? About….f-four hundred pounds."
"Feels about right." The two struggled to peel aching bodies off the ground. The selkie now turned his attention to Mabel.
"Nothing personal, I just need to bring my wife home." The ultra-charismatic creature politely apologized before preparing another attack.
"Oh… it's okay." Mabel went aflutter. But as soon as Finn hid behind her with a whimper, the young mother snapped right out of it. "No, wait, not okay! IT'S NOT OKAY!"
She scooped Finn up and rolled to safety just in time as he charged her by. Spitting dirt and and twigs, Mabel got up on one knee and fired. The force of the hook sent him toppling back, but his inhuman strength kept him on his feet this time. He grabbed hold of the line, and the young woman could only watch as the recoil send her weapon rocketing out of her hand. The young woman frantically scrabbled for a tree branch, a rock, anything she could use to fight. The selkie meanwhile kicked her grappling hook away, straightened his gorgeous hair out, and flashed her one final charming smile.
"If we're all done here, I think I'm ready to-"
It was the work of only moment. Suddenly he was down on the ground, howling in pain. The cavalry had arrived, and was absolutely in no mood for mercy. A breathless Wendy scowled as she loomed over him.
"D-did...did you just stab me with a shoe?" He stared at the pricy piece of footwear now buried heel-first in his shoulder.
"Try anything and I'll make it two." She waved the other heel threateningly. The creature clutched at his wound and shook his head furiously. And before he could get any second thoughts of any sort, there was a dull thunk as a small bolt buried itself into the ground mere inches from his head. Ford reloaded and took aim.
"Get out. Now."
The selkie didn't offer a peep of protest. He tumbled and tripped over himself as he dashed off and began a long, frantic retreat back west to the sea from where he came.
"Wha….." It didn't take long until Pacifica was freed from his bewitching powers of seduction. First thing she noticed of course was the little girl still in her arms.
"Hi Aunt Paci!" Gladys before hugging her tightly.
"We beat 'em!" Finn latched on so tightly that he squeezed a grunt out of her.
"Wait, what-"
"PACIFICA!" Mabel nearly squashed all the air from her body after she joined the group crush. As the overjoyed pack squished her organs, the dumbfounded woman was shocked to not only find herself outside and far away from the biggest event of the year, but surrounded by almost all of the Pines-
"Yeesh! What happened to you guys?" Stan muttered as he curiously sauntered out with the baby in one arm. Correction; all of the Pines.
"I…" Her mind spund. "Wait, what….w-what….."
"Ohmigosh, are you okay?" Mabel began bombarding her with questions. "How many fingers am I holding up? What's your last name? You don't feel any attraction to seals right now, do you?"
"...Why am I out here?" She finally managed to get a word in.
"Don't worry, it's fine! Okay yeah, so maybe a seal-man-thingy kinda tried to enchant you with his wickedly good looks and take you to the ocean to be wife forever….but he didn't! So you're fine!" Mabel happily explained. "See?"
Pacifica stared back and blinked. It took about ten seconds until she could find her voice again. "I….I think I need to sit down….and a drink…."
In a flash of jug of beer was hovering in front of her face. Stan grinned invitingly. "I got you covered…"
"...Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee."
Mabel tucked in her slumbering children just as she finished the lullaby. After giving them a peck on the forehead each, she quietly snuck from the attic bedroom, taking care to shut the door behind her. She was as tired as the little twins were, but unfortunately there was simply too much going on in her head for her to settle down anytime soon. The young woman made her way downstairs to the back porch, where she flopped onto the old weatherbeaten sofa.
Attempted kidnappings aside, the annual gala had been a great success as usual, thanks in no small part to the grand hostess's quick recovery. Luckily for Pacifica the entire incident was a total blank, and so it was actually easy for her to forgive her apologetic friend. But despite the dazed reassurances she had gotten earlier, Mabel was still stewing neck-deep in guilt.
"Hey." Dipper announced himself with a gentle knock on the doorway.
"Hey." She sighed, not even looking up. Her brother took a seat beside her. They sat quietly for a few moments.
"Mabel-" He started.
"I'm sorry." She remorsefully interrupted. "He seemed like such a catch at first, with all the looks, the laugh, the charm and the….okay, yeah that was kind of his whole thing, but I didn't think it'd come to all of that craziness that! I only wanted….well, you know…."
Mabel sighed. "Nobody should be alone. Especially not Pacifica."
Finished, she braced herself for an I-told-you-so lecture. It seemed inevitable, not to mention completely justified.
"You know…." Her twin began gently. "I didn't tell you not to do any matchmaking at all….I just said no matchmaking tonight."
"Huh?" She vaguely recalled this small detail. "Oh yeah…."
"Look, if there's one thing that I should admit more than anyone else….you can be pretty good at pairing people up." He raised his hand and showed off his wedding band. The surprise reminder brought a fragile smile to her face.
"You mean it?" She asked hopefully.
"I do. But if I'm still being honest here, I really think you do your best work when you take your time. You know," He pointed to himself. "Like you did with me."
"You were definitely a long term-project." She remembered the thrill of the long process it took to get her painfully awkward brother from his first date all the way to the altar.
"I definitely wasn't easy." He agreed, wincing at the memories that floated to mind. "But you helped make it work. Though that was mainly because you didn't try and get Wendy and I like, together-together as fast as you possibly could. I know you only want what's best for everyone. But when you try and really rush people into something, you can…uhhh…."
He prickled up with an anxious itch as he tried to think up a diplomatic way to phrase it. Luckily for him, Mabel now felt ready to face reality with an understanding giggle. "I can get a little ahead of myself, can I?"
"That's one way to put it." He chuckled. "I know tonight was a bust. But no one's stopping you from having another go at it. All I'm asking is that if you're going to do this, just take it nice and easy-"
"Ohhh! Maybe I can take Pacifica out for a karaoke night at the bar and make her try and wow some guys with her…..uh…." The look on Dipper's face gave her immediate second thoughts put an end to that sudden burst of inspiration.
"Ehhh…..maybe something else." He gently nudged her away from the idea.
"Or….orrrrrrr….hmmm…..well, she just threw a party for literally everyone." Mabel thoughtfully brainstormed. "Maybe….we can can throw something for her? Oh! Maybeeeee…..dinner? Here at our place? You know, give her some company tomorrow night?"
Dipper gave her a wear grin of approval "I think she'd like that."
His sister only needed a few seconds to enthusiastically text off an invite. And luckily for her, she didn't need to wait for long before a reply zipped right back.
"Yex." Mabel scrutinized the jumble of letters. "I think she means yes."
"She's had a pretty long night." Her brother winced as he slumped down into the sofa. "We all did."
"Don't worry, friend." She vowed to the misspelled message on her phone. "You've got an amazing time waiting for you tomorrow! And later…..Boyfriend-Town, population you!"
The young woman made sure to hurriedly add, "Not like, right-after-later...when the time's right."
"When the time's right." He repeated with relief. With her spirits had recovered, Mabel beamed thankfully at her brother. The two fist-bumped and finally settled down for a much-needed breather to end off their hectic day.
But barely ten seconds of restful silence passed before Dipper suddenly got a strong hunch. "You're already working on a new list right now, aren't you?"
"Maaaaybe." She stifled a snicker. "Nothing much….juuuust a couple names to keep in mind for later…."
"How many?"
"Oh, I'd say about six good 'maybes' so far."
"Really? Only six?" He teased.
"Hey." An exhausted redhead hobbled out to join the siblings. She settled down next to her husband, and as she rubbed still-aching feet she asked distractedly, "What are you doofuses talking about?"
"Hey Wendy!" Mabel chirped. "Think any of your bro-"
"Nope." Her sister-in-law refused, and Dipper immediately cracked right up.
"Okay, three…" Mabel corrected with a humbled smile. "I have about three good 'maybes' so far…."
"...It says that whoever answers this questionnaire correctly will have a chance at the most wonderful woman around." Gushed the gnome as he stood before the chieftain's pinecone throne. "That's what it actually says! Right there, at the top!"
His fellow scavenger nodded proudly over their find. "A real chance for a queen worthy of our people!"
Together they eagerly awaited praise from their leader. However, Jeff only needed to scan through it briefly before he decided that he wasn't impressed.
"...Where the heck did you guys find this?"
"Uh….by the big house….um to the west of the town, right outside one of its windows….uh, sir." One of them nervously answered. The gnome leader crumpled up the screening quiz and tossed it aside.
"Yeesh! This thing is so rigged, I don't even know where to start…."
And so ends the two-parter! And just in case anyone's never heard of them before, selkies/seal-folk are legnedary creatures from Scottish and Irish folklore. As can be seen, I tried to go for something a little different form the usual array of mythological beasts.
Thanks again to Kraven the Hunter for the great idea (and once more, reader suggestions like it are still gladly welcomed anytime.) Hope you all enjoyed, I'll see you next installment! - SGA