Chapter 35 Castiel

hello ALL. thank YOU FOR READING AND THAN YOU TO THE TWO GUET WHO REVEIWED. How bad do you feel for Cas. I know i feel pretty dame awful for him. Here is the next chapter? Make sure you tell me what you think?

Can I ask you a question? Let's say you always had an attraction to both sexes. You have always known and have always been okay with it because your mother has taught you to embrace who you are. You move around from town to town because your father is in the military. You make friends but you never get to close because you know eventually you have to leave. Then one day you move to some small town. You get through your first day of school with nothing special happening. Then one day you collide with a certain hazel eyed boy. Since the first time you look into his eyes something is awaken in you and because you are a shy kid you don't tell him how cute you think he is or that he makes him feel warm. Instead you become best friends with him and become okay knowing he doesn't feel the same way. You know he will never feel the same way because he isn't attracted to boys. You go the next few years being best friends while hating every second of him not knowing he has a crush. Then one summer he kisses you and everything you thought you knew has totally changed. Next thing you know you spend the next three years in relationship that has a lot of lows but all the good times make up for it. Just when you are about to give up the one thing you always imagined but thought would never happens happen. He becomes yours. You spend the next couple weeks in such bliss. You feel like you are flying. You feel like nothing can bring you down. Just when you think things couldn't get any better you have the best night of your life. Just then the elevation increases. Everything is right and nothing can go wrong. You have a great morning together then the person you have been sharing him with shows up and announces she's pregnant. She's pregnant and gets up to leave with her. HE says nothing to you and hasn't said anything to you in two weeks. You try to reach out to him but your calls and texts go answered. What do you do?

What do I do? That is what I have been asking myself. What do I do now? No matter how much I would like to deny it things will never be the same. Things have never been this bad. I have no idea what to do? I still see Dean at school but he won't even acknowledge me. Whenever I try to approach him he quickly walks away. I understand he is having a baby but he least he could is just talk to me. I thought we friends first. The worst part is he stop eating lunch with me. Just when Jo rejoined us and Meg started sitting with us. He and Bella decide to east lunch at another table. I could take them eating together looking happy no more. So I started eating lunch in the library. We aren't supposed to do this but nobody really says anything.

The library has become my new safe haven. I eat in the back where nobody can see me. The silence which I never mind is starting to slowly drown me. When it is too quiet my thoughts start to become too loud. No matter how much they drive me insane it feels much better than seeing the two of them together. Whenever I see them it feels like I can't breathe and I start to think that it is really the end of us. I know nothing good can come from situations like ours but I deep down I thought I never lose him. I can't lose him. What am I supposed to do without him in my life? Father in heaven please delivery me from this pain. Help me find a way.

"You look like hell." a female voice says. I had my face buried in a book when I heard the familiar voice. I look up to find Jo standing there with a brown paper bag in one hand and books in the other. What is she doing here? I know that we are on better terms but we aren't back to how we use to be.

"Hello to you too Jo." I say dryly. Jo said nothing as she sat down across from me. I said nothing As I continued to read my book. She can sit here but I reuse to talk. What can she say? She is related to Dean and at the end of the day she will take his side.

"What you reading?" she asked as she unpacks her lunch. I guess the whole no talking thing is going out the window.

"Double Cross. By James Patterson" I say not looking at her. Maybe if I keep my answers short then she will get the hint.

"Never heard of it." She says taking a bite of her sandwich. "Is it good?" she says with a mouth full of food. I see her and Dean have the same mannerisms

"Yes." I say giving her tone telling her I don't want to talk.

"What's it about?" I put my book down in annoyance and looked at her. I studied her face trying to figure out what she wanted. "Stop looking at me like that. It's a bit creepy." She says opening a bag of chips. "You know I see what Dean means." Okay now she goes and says his name. I managed to go a whole five minutes without thinking about him. Uggg she is starting to piss me off.

I know my face went pale at the sound of his name. A panic starts to form in my chest. At this moment I want to get up and leave school. I started to get up but my body started to feel weak. My heart is beating too fast.

"You don't look so good." She says most likely noticing the dark circles under my eyes. "You been sleeping" she asks concerned. Yeah she noticed them and no I haven't been sleeping. I hate falling asleep now. All I do is dream of him and then I wake up and realize that the wonderful dream I had wasn't real. That's the worse feeling in the world.

"I'm fine." I lied. I'm tired of that question. Meg and Gabriel have both ask me that question. Can't they tell for once I don't want to talk about it. What am I going to say? That I have been feeling low since he walked out with her. That I lost the person I am in love with. I don't know how to find a way in this tunnel of darkness. Should I tell them I barely eat or I hate falling asleep? I spend hours in bed trying to figure out how to get control of my emotions. What do you say to that? There is nothing they can say to make me feel better.

I have gone over everything me and Dean have done in the last three years trying to pinpoint the moment I fell in love. I can't find anything that points to that moment. I have always been in love with him. Some nights I feel like crying for being so stupid. Anybody could see it was doomed from the start. I refuse to talk about it. There is no pint so I will keep everything inside. Eventually it will disappear. Yes my heart often feels tights making it hard for me to breathe, but that will pass.

There are some nights when I have a bad dream. It's always the same dream. It's Bella revealing she was pregnant and Dean leaving with her. I then dream of them married with two or three children. In my dream I would always try and talk to Dean but he always says the same thing. He says he loves her and never did he love me. He then walks away and I spend the rest of my dream screaming his name until I woke up covered in sweat. Those are the nights Gabriel would come into my room and sleep next to me. It might sound weird but he said it was his way of watching over me.

"Cas you ok?" Jo asks as I stare into space.

"I'm fine." I say as I pick my book back up. It was getting to the good part maybe I can get lost in it again. Maybe I Can forget about him.

"You sure about that?" She asks drinking some of her juice. No I am not okay.. but there is nothing she can do that will help.

"What is it that you want Jo?" I ask giving up on reading. I know her. She is fishing for something it has something to do with Dean but I can't figure out exactly what.

"I just want to know if you are ok." She says giving me a warm smile. I see what my brother means. Her smile can give you hope, but there is no hope. There is nothing I can do about a baby. It's a baby that changes everything.

"Why? Did Gabriel or Meg put you up to this?" I say sitting back on my chair while folding my arms. Jo stopped eating her lunch and leaned forward. She folded both arms on the table and looked at me. We engaged in a staring contest waiting for the other to speak first.

"I can do this all day." I say hoping she breaks.

"So can I." she says giving a complacent smile.

"So you want to tell me what you want or are we going to sit here and make small talk like there aren't at least three purple elephants in the room." Jo leaned back in her chair. She gazed upon my worn out face. Her eyes tell me that her heart broke for me. Funny I feel the same way about her at times.

"I'm just trying to be a friend." She says locking her eyes with me.

"Why?" I am lost here. Last time we really talk I was a jerk and yet she is still trying to be here for me. She is a great girl. I see why my brother is so taken with her.

"You've been hiding in here for like a week, not to mention you look like shit. I'm guessing you haven't talked to anybody about what's going on, not Meg not Gabriel."

"Who asked you to talk to me?" I still think someone put her up to this. She has been eating lunch with us and her and Gabriel are starting to restart whatever they had. Yes they haven't spent one on one time but that is how it started the first time.

"No one." She says looking into my eyes.

"Then why are you sitting here talking to me."

"I'm trying to be a friend. You look like you could use one." She says shrugging her shoulder. Why is she being so nonchalant. I admit it's a change from the petty I have seen in the other's eyes.

"You petty me"

"No" she says still looking into my eyes. I admit she has beautiful brown eyes. They are so warm. As I look into those glowing warm eyes all I can see is concern and sincerity in them. She only wants to help. I am so glad she does. I am tired of people feeling sorry for myself.

"We have barely talked in almost two years." I say leaning forward. It's true we haven't. Why of all people would she be the one who helped me.

"I know, but I think it's time we start." She says with another sincere smile. I can't help but feel good for the first time in weeks. She is giving me hope. Maybe having someone to lean on can help me get over Dean. The only thing she is related to him.

"You and I aren't so different." I say realizing what we have in common.

"How?" she says putting an elbow on the table to lean on her hand in her hand. It's cute when she does that.

"Dean has caused us both heartache." I say like it's clear as day.

"You do know he is my blood cousin right. I mean his mom and my dad are brother and sister." She says sitting back. I think I grossed her out a little. It's funny actually. Wow I actually find something funny thanks to her.

"I know that Jo. I'm saying he both played a role in our heartache." I say looking down at ,y hands.

"Castiel what in god's name are you talking about?" she asks giving me a confused look. Okay I guess it's now or never. If we are truly about to become friends again, I guess it's time to clear the air. It's time I lay the past to rest. At least with her.

"I know that your neighbor saw me come out Dean's window and thought I was Gabriel and was coming from your room." I say feeling guilt. It's not a pleasant feeling but it's better what I have been feeling.

"What! How? Who told you? Was it Dean?" she asks surprised. I guess this was one secret she wanted to take to the grave.

"That doesn't matter, all that matters is that I have known for a little bit now and I never got around to apologizing." I say reaching for her hand. Jo smiled as she connected her hand with mine. This is nice. It's nice to have something's work out a little easier than I am use to.

"You owe me nothing." She says looking down then back at me. She is so wrong? I have a feeling she is the reason Dean has come out the blue admitting he was wrong. I

"I do too. I have said some pretty messed up things to you and all you were doing was protecting a stupid secret. I told you we weren't really friends when you have always been a great friend to me."

"Look" she says looking away then liking at me again. "It's true what you said about us. We never have hung out one on one. I never realized until you said something but I think that is going to change. We never really were real friends." She says squeezing my hand.

"We have always been real friends. Why else would you try to protect us I was the one who was wrong. I judge you without knowing the truth. I said some hurtful things to you and behind your back."

"Don't even say that. You had no idea. All you knew was I up and trampled on your brothers heart and cut ties with you all because of some beef I had with my stupid ass cousin. I never gave an explanation nor did I ever try." That is true but I should have known she had a reason. It was totally out of character for her. I should really tell Gabriel. I feel bad about keeping this from him. Poor guy still wonders why even though he tries to hide it.

"But all that could have been avoided if I never started sneaking into your house." Everything could have been avoided if I just haven't climbed through his window that first night.

"It all could have been avoided if my cousin would have just accepted who he was and came out. Instead he wants to be a coward and deny his feelings and in doing so he not only got himself caught up in some serious shit, but he dragged all of us along even though two of them are ignorant to what has happen." I couldn't say anything. I can't help but feel she is right. All of this could have been avoid if I just pushed Dean a little harder. If I did this wouldn't be happening. I said nothing as I just squeezed her hand and smiled. I really missed her.

"Why aren't you taking his side?" I have to ask. I thought family always take each other side no matter what. That is what my mother always taught me.

"I'm tired of his bull shit. I cannot help him this time. He has to figure something out on his own this time. Plus I do not like the fact that whenever he does something it effects all of us and the way he has treated you these last couple weeks makes me want to just go in that lunch room and kick his ass. Bottom line just because you are related to someone doesn't always make them right. They are still human and humans make bad decisions." I can't help but chuckle. She is right with every word she speaks. I am just glad she thinks like this. I'm glad I have her on my side but for how long. When that baby comes she is going to love it. How can she not. It is half of Dean.

"I was thinking the same thing." I say feeling better. I am not going to bring up the baby. I don't want to ruin the first good mood I have had in a long time.

"Well then we should kick his ass." She as I just smile. She looks so serious.

"I doubt you want to get suspended again." I say recalling the first day of ninth grade.

"True." She says before there was a brief silence before I spoke again.

"So what do I do now?" I ask. I am starting to feel hopeless again. I need her to keep me looking ahead. It's the only way I can get over him.

"Well I suggest we start your rehab."

"Rehab?" I ask titling my head. .

"Yes starting today we start your 12 step program to get you over the asshole that is my cousin." She says so confident. It's easier said than done. I doubt I will ever get over him but I might be able to reach a place where I am okay living without him.

"You're going to help me get over him." I say like it's impossible. It is actually impossible.

"Of course silly. He doesn't deserve you." She says folding her arms.

"I do not want to cause trouble between you two."

"You won't. Family or not , what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. And you Castiel Novak are done letting him break your heart." She says with such authority. I dare no argue with her.

"You really want to help me?" I still can't believe she is on my side.

"Isn't that what I just said?" she says with a smile.

"Thank you Jo." I say from the bottom of my heart.

Jo waves her hand like she is flagging me off and says "Pish that's what friends are for."

Jo and Cas finally talked.

What do you about that.

Do you feel bad for him.

His heart is just breaking and only dean can fix it but it looks like he won'.

Tell me what you think if you want to know what will happen between our boys.