Note: By the way, that lemon from the last chapter is on my live journal. Oops. (And it has nothing to do with the closing lines… it's midway through. Just so you know.) (By the way, this chapter starts off directly where the last one left off.) (Parenthesessss!) Like, three more chapters to go you guys!! =o And I can truly say Merry Chrismahanukwanzica, because by the time this makes it to FNN… it won't be the 25th anymore.
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Chapter 37
(Sora's POV)
It really does get easier the second time around. I know what to expect, the feel of Riku's body against mine, how to touch him. How to move. I mean, it's still kind of bad, but it's not as awkward. We took it nice and slow, and that really does make a lot of difference. For one, we actually… lasted more than about five minutes, and I remembered to say I love you afterward! I even tried to hold him before I noticed he was asleep and my arm started going numb. (What are you supposed to do when it's over? When Riku rolls over to sleep it feels… wrong somehow.) And as uncomfortable as he looked most of the time, I think he enjoyed it a little more, too.
The morning after, I wake up before he does, though not by long. "Good morning." I mutter, still kind of exhausted.
"Hey," He replies. I shift and throw an arm around him. He doesn't move, but he's not exactly avoiding me, either. I think he feels a little betrayed because I'm leaving for a few days.
Idiot.
I don't say that, of course.
--
It's funny. I wasn't at all nervous this morning, but now that's it's getting close for me to leave I'm so terrified I can't eat. Wow, I guess I really don't want to go.
"Are you ready?" Dad calls from downstairs. Ha, no.
"Almost!" I shout back.
"Well, hurry up!" Damn it…
"Okay," I mutter. Sighing, I drag my suitcase downstairs and start to load up the car. Dad has to get to work soon and Riku has to be somewhere in an hour, so I'm basically on my own. Dad hugs me on his way out of the house, telling me to make the best of it; it's only two weeks. I hug him back, hard, not letting go until he pulls away, chuckling at my misery. I can't help it. The fear that Dad would decide to send me back to Mom is one that's haunted me before I even found him. I feel like I'm not coming back or something.
Next, I say goodbye to Riku.
He's standing in the door way, not looking at me.
"I love you," I tell him.
"Yeah." He says half-heartedly. Seriously, is he still mad? I ignore that, taking his face in my hands, grinning at him.
"Don't change a thing while I'm gone, okay?"
"Alright."
"I'm serious. Don't undergo any major plastic surgery." This at least makes him smile, but I'm still met with a smartass comment.
"Why the hell would I do that?"
"Car accident?" I reply. He rolls his eyes. Hands still on his face, I continue. "Seriously. Don't change anything. Don't even cut your hair." Which is almost more than halfway down his back by this point. Most guys would look really stupid, but I think he's totally stunning. "And don't look at other guys." I know I won't…
"I won't, Sora."
"Promise?"
"Yeah." He says, laughing a little. I do, too. I'm glad he actually took this as a joke and not as an excuse to get pissed over nothing. God, I love normal Riku.
"I love you."
"I know."
I let go of him, giving him a quick kiss before heading to the car. I'm about to pull out of the driveway when he runs over. When I roll down the window he says, "I love you." He then punches me on the arm. "Come back in one piece."
"You know I will."
--
Really, since then everything has pretty much passed without incident. I'm in the train now, texting Roxas. He keeps asking how I am… it's nice that he cares so much, I guess. It's funny, actually… Riku has started calling us Soroxas. I guess it is fitting; I am talking to Roxas and not him right now and all.
Roxas has to leave after an hour or so, so I'm stuck with nothing to do. I can't believe I didn't consider the fact that I'd be on a train all day. I should have brought at least a magazine…I should have brought my laptop.
…Whoa.
I think I fell asleep; the sun is already setting. Well, I guess that takes care of the boredom.
I shift around so I can look at the scenery. There is... not a whole lot to look at. The sun is setting.
God, I'm bored still.
I'm miss Riku already.
--
I fell asleep sometime late last night and slept until the train finally came to a stop. Standing feels really weird, to say the least. My legs are all wobbly. Car to train to car with no stretch break... bad idea.
But wow, it's so good to see my old friends again. I mean, yeah, I could go without hearing about their love lives... Donald is still with Daisy, Goofy is dating some girl named Clara or something... (I'm tired, okay?) and I tell them how Riku and I are doing well and everything... but... that's it. Maybe we just aren't as close as we used to be.
It's funny.
When they visited last year (two years ago, even?) I had never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life. Now I just want to go home. I guess it's all in the circumstances. We're driving to my mom's. Sure, I get to spend the day with them tomorrow (they were kind enough to pick me up today) and then it should be less awkward. But today... I'm dreading spending time with the dragon lady.
Speaking of which, she's waiting outside as Goofy-- who is, by the way, someone I never want to get into a car with ever again-- pulls into the driveway. She looks sober, but pissed. Well, that's only one out of two of her norms. I guess that's good. "Thanks, guys," I mutter, hopping out of the little car. "Hi, mom!" I say, at least trying to sound like I kind of want to be here. "How are you?" She doesn't answer as she opens the door, sort of letting me in. Nice to see you after three long years, too, Mom. "Should I put my stuff in my room? I mean... my old room?" It never occurred to me before that my stuff is probably gone. She probably emptied my room the day I left. It's probably her new liquor cabinet.
...Okay, that wasn't really necessary.
Sorry, Mom.
This silence is getting eerie. Well, I guess the bright side is that she isn't yelling…
"Take your old room." She says finally. Ah, she speaks! That's something.
"Okay, mom. Thanks." Awkward silence. And I mean awkward. "So… I guess I'll just unpack now, then." And I step into the room, closing the door behind me. I forgot how tiny this place is. My room here is probably less than half the size of my room at Dad's. It's… a nice change, though. Quaint, homey. I guess. It's not like there's all this space I don't need, don't know what to do with.
I open the drawer under my window to find that all my clothes are gone. So she only kept my furniture… well, that's good. I guess. I hope she donated it.
Once I'm done putting everything away, I set a picture of Riku on top of the small dresser. It's old, but probably the only one I have of him where he isn't either flipping off the camera, or hasn't turned his head at the very last second. I call Dad and leave him a message on the home phone and his work phone saying that I made it in one piece.
Well.
Time to talk to Mom, I guess…. "My room is nearly the same." I tell her. "It's really nice to come home to something familiar… I missed it." Yeah, I'm partly sucking up to her so she won't make my stay here a living hell, but another part of me, oddly enough, is actually telling the truth. I love living with Dad, but this was my home for fourteen years. I can't just say, 'oh, it was kind of bad, I'll disown it,' like Riku does.
"Well… good." She replies after a moment.
"So, are you and Cameron still together?"
"We weren't for a month or so. But we are now."
"That's really good, Mom! Are you happy?"
"Of course I'm happy." She snaps, as if I'm insinuating something. Whatever. Regardless, I am not taking the bait. I need to keep the peace.
"I'm so glad." This is the longest lasting relationship you've had. Congratulations. I hope you really love that jerk.
There is an uncomfortable silence between us for a long time. Please ring, phone! "How is work?"
"It's… alright."
"I hope it isn't too stressful." And that you're still showing up.
"Not lately."
"That's good," I ramble. "Stress sucks, doesn't it? It's so stressful." …Then I realize what I have said. Okay, that was stupid. But at least that's got Mom laughing, and laughter at my expense is better than being glared at for an hour straight, which is pretty much where this was headed.
Now, what else can I possibly ask her about? Work, boyfriend, combine that with her drinking and that's her life. "What else is new?"
And to my surprise, she actually tells me stuff. Good stuff. So now I'm thinking maybe this trip won't be so bad after all, and all of those things that got to me before were all in my head.
--
Okay. So. The witch bitch is mad at me for something. We were sitting at the table and I excused myself to go call Riku. We agreed on eight o'clock, and Mom said that was okay too.
I left at 7:56.
Cue the huffy sigh and passive aggressive: 'it's okay, just go call your boyfriend.' Whatever.
When I talk to Riku, I try to act like I'm not seriously irritated. Sadly, he doesn't realize that I'm acting. I wish he were more perceptive. Maybe I'm upset over nothing…
"I miss you." I tell him, curled up in my own bed. "And I really wish you were here."
"Me, too." He says. Ha… no, you really, really don't.
"Nine days."
"I can't wait."
I would ask him about how his day was… but I'm sick of asking questions to keep the conversation rolling. All I want is for Riku to tell me he wants me home and about how much he loves me, and how everything is okay. But I know that's not him. That it's my job to tell him that. I at least get a 'good luck' before he hangs up and that works, too.
--
It's funny. This morning I wake with a similar sense of dread as the one I used to feel every single morning I woke up here as I preteen and… well, even before that, maybe. And I never even realized that that's how I felt until now, when it all comes back to me. But I have to say, it's dulled significantly by knowing that today I get to spend the day with my friends and not my Mom, and that I'm not going to school.
As soon as Donald and Goofy arrive, we walk over to an ice cream place where we used to live during the summer. And it's like… being home in a really weird kinda way. Donald is basically pissed at the world and that's always a lot of fun… and Goofy is totally oblivious to the whole thing, so it all balances out. I'm really glad to be with them. I feel so nostalgic! And, I'm really surprised to say this but… I'm almost happy to be here.
Almost.
I'm happy to be in a familiar place with my old friends. It's not exactly fun seeing the people who used to pick on me once again, but… well, that's the past now. As we walk up to order I catch a glimpse of a group of guys my age hanging around a small table. I mindlessly list off what I want to the girl behind the counter as I turn to look. It's not like it's anything unusual, it's just the fact that I recognize them which startles me.
(What? People I know living in my old hometown? Impossible!) And that it just so happens to be that guy (well, one of many) I overheard talking shit about me. That one from the locker room. The one who called me a loser and that he'd rather be dead than be like me. God, it feels like such a long time ago. I was what, thirteen? I mean, it's been four years. Nearly four years.
And I guess that shows, because when a few of them turn to look at me before returning to their conversation… I don't even see a glimmer of recognition in their faces.
Okay. That's okay.
I guess it was never that big a deal in the first place. So we walk out to eat in the sun, goofing off and messing around, really feeling like little kids again. And… it's fun.
--
The next day I really have nothing else to do, so I just kind of walk around town aimlessly. When I get to my old school… well, I have to see. I mean, it is open… it's like the whole place is just asking me to come in and take a look.
And… it's weird. I mean, the whole place essentially looks the same. We-- they got some new lockers and it looks like the whole inside of the building got a new coat of paint. The glass case holding plaques and trophies got cleaned. It really makes a difference. But it all seems… I don't know. Foreign, I guess.
The weirdest part of the whole thing is how alone I feel wandering these halls… revisiting the rooms where I was shoved around, the desks my books were pushed off and my things stolen, the bathroom I was chased into; the locker room where I was called names, the yard where I was beaten up.
The time I spent acting like nothing was going on, and that it wasn't a big deal.
I think it kind of was.
I mean, why else would this feel so weird? Maybe over time… I just kind of numbed myself. Once I left, that was it. I didn't associate it with myself anymore, like it never happened. Sure, it drove me to life on the streets, but my past was good, not like Riku's…
Man, Riku is complicated, but at least he acknowledged what happened to him. I've ignored what happened to me.
Yeah, this is probably bad. Now that I think of it… I pushed it all away while I was here, laughed everything off, but that's still effecting me.
For one, I over-justify everything. I'd get picked on and convince myself they didn't mean it, and it's leaked over into my new life, too. If Tidus and Wakka are goofing off, insulting each other, inevitably resorting to 'fag'… I would have to convince myself for like, five minutes that they don't mean anything by it. And of course they don't. Besides… they aren't even talking to me.
And if something is wrong with Riku or my friends, I have to fucking analyze it to death because I can't deal with my own problems.
And… and I'm so sensitive. Chris will call me a fag (Pot. Kettle. Black.) as a joke and I freak. He doesn't give a shit about that stuff. Riku doesn't give a shit. But it kills me. But I don't say that-- I just joke about it.
What's wrong with me? How did I get like this? Why did I let it happen? Why didn't I just deal with my problems then?
And as I walk home, I realize more things. For one, I almost never went to that ice cream place. I went once with Mom, Donald, and Goofy, and some guy yelled "Queer!" from across the room. I was with my mom.
I'm in a considerably worse mood by the time I get to Mom's house with, by the way, is not quaint. It's a doghouse. And we weren't 'kinda poor'. We were poverty-stricken. I gave Mom way too much credit for making my life miserable. I didn't give anyone else enough. I didn't let myself heal or get over this stuff. I wanted Riku to heal? I didn't heal! Who the hell am I to talk?
God, I owe him an apology, come to think of it… I just really want to talk to him now.
But just my luck, Cameron's here tonight.
But I'm keeping an open mind. If it sucks, it sucks and I can angst about it then. But if it doesn't… I'm sure I can find other things to bitch and whine about. After all, I think I deserve that much.
--
Cameron looks… exactly the same. He brings some Chinese take out and we all sit and eat at the table in silence. When I glance at the clock, it's already half-past seven. Cameron was really, really late. Mom was stressing about it, too.
I hate him.
"I have to call my boyfriend at eight, so excuse me if I have to leave early." I say, mostly just for the sake of speaking.
"That's disgusting." He mutters, almost inaudibly. Mom shrugs, which is kind of like standing up for me. In a way.
"You face is disgusting." I mutter back, because I'm immature. Mom gets up to fix herself a drink. She gets one for herself and Cameron, of course, but then she gives me one and that really pisses me off. You, my mother, are an alcoholic! My boyfriend's drinking really fucked him up, and you know that! And I'm only seventeen. What are you doing? I'm your son, not your drinking buddy!
"No, but thanks." I say. She shrugs and takes it back. Good; just the smell of beer makes me want to puke.
But now I think she's mad. We've hardly spoken to each other but she's so mad at me already. What's wrong with me? Why do I keep fucking up? "So… Dad says hi and he hopes everything is well." Kind of. He told me that he hopes everything is well with Mom; not necessarily to tell her.
"Oh." She says. Damn it, why did I bring Dad up? That was so stupid!
"Yeah," I reply, starting to stand. "I think I should go call Riku now, before it gets too late. Thanks for bringing dinner, Cameron. It was good."
"Sit down, Sora." He says. …What? "Not everyone's done." What!? Is he joking? Since when was that a rule? God, who does he think he is, my father?
"I promised I would call."
"Sit." He says.
"I'm done."
"I'm not, now sit."
"I didn't know you loved me so much." I snarl. This definitely shocks him.
"Respect your mother."
"This doesn't have anything to do with Mom!"
"Sora." She growls.
"What?"
"Listen to Cameron."
"What? Why?"
She sighs, taking a sip of her drink. "Because I said so." Oh, of course. I just totally changed my mind! Wow, Mom. You are completely right. And original, might I add!
"Whatever." I mutter, stomping off. When I reach my room I slam the door and flop onto the bed so I can scream in my pillow. I just want to get my anger out so I won't be an asshole to Riku and end up pissing him off. He doesn't deserve that.
I dial the number and Riku is just picking up when Mom screams, "You better not be on the phone!"
"Hello?"
"Riku!" I say. God, I'm happy to hear his voice.
"Sora?"
"How's it going?"
"It's okay." He says. "How are you coping over there?"
"I'm--Oh, shit." Mom's already drunk as she throws the door open and continues yelling at me.
"Cameron just left! Are you happy? He was going to stay the night, but he left because of you!"
"Sora?"
Ugh. Shit, shit, shit. "Sorry, Riku---Mom, I'm on the phone can you wait one-- No, Riku, hold on-- Mom, mom, please calm down…"
"Sora, do you want to just call me tomorrow?"
"Sora!"
"No, Riku. It's okay. I'll just go outside."
"Sora. Answer me. Get off the fucking phone!"
"Sora, call me back. I'll wait up till ten."
"…Okay, Riku. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Sora."
I slam my phone shut and turn around. "I'm not on the phone, okay?"
"Why would you talk to Cameron like that?!" She asks me, loudly, still drunk and completely aghast.
"Like what? He was bossing me around and I got mad! I'm sorry!"
"He left because of you!"
"Mom," I try to reason before giving up and outright yelling back. "You're acting like he's not coming back!"
"Like your father."
…That's what this was all about?!
"What?" I shout in exasperation. "That has nothing… they're nothing alike!" She doesn't reply. "I know you think Dad left because of me but that's not true! If he hated me so much then why am I living with him now? Why would he enroll me in a school there and let Riku stay? He never tried to turn me against you, so stop trying to turn me against him!" Again, she doesn't respond. "Oh yeah, and he told me about the letters. The ones you never gave me." I take a moment to catch my breath before continuing again. "And the money he would send. That you said he refused to give you."
Finally, she slowly says, "I thought that if I said those things about him, you would take to my boyfriends more easily."
"…Oh. Well. That… didn't really work."
"No," she agrees. "It didn't."
"Mom… they were jerks. And thinking that I would never see Dad again…" I stop, closing my eyes for a few seconds. I'm tired suddenly. "Or when you'd introduce your boyfriends as my new father, but they weren't around long…or…" Shit. I'm trying not to cry. I don't know if it will work. "Well, I liked your first one."
"Who?"
"Jim. I don't really remember a lot of names and faces-- not enough to put them together. But I remember Jim." She had so many boyfriends… for some I can't even remember a name or face, just actions and words. That's never good. "Why did you get rid of all the nice ones?!"
"Sora, he was a total pedophile." She says sharply.
"…What?"
"A few months after we started dating, I started to hear people in the office… talking." It's been a long time since I've heard her say anything about 'the office'. Even when I was living here, her mentions of work decreased and decreased. I guess she must have quit. "There was some rumor going around, something about how a repairman found kiddy porn or something on the computer he was fixing. It was Jim's. When I asked him about it, he didn't bother denying anything. I broke up with him because you were eight at the time. Like hell I was going to let him near you."
"Oh." Figures. Figures. God damn it. "Thanks." I guess.
"Whatever," She says, standing up and leaving. "I'm going to bed."
"Good night, mom." I reply, playing it up real sweet again.
Shit.
I go to bed tonight feeling confused and distressed, and just wanting to magically wake up somewhere else in the morning.
--
Today Mom's at work and Donald and Goofy are busy, so I sleep in late. I drift in and out of sleep until about two, letting everything that happened yesterday settle in my head. I scrunch under the covers, but the heat eventually becomes too much and I kick them off the bed. I toss and turn for a while, but by this point I'm too awake to get any more rest.
I reach for my phone and call Roxas. He should probably be home.
...Or not.
I call Riku. I never did get to talking to him last night.
"Hello?"
"Hey. You aren't busy, are you?"
"No."
"I'm sorry about last night." I tell him, first off. I'm sure that couldn't have been too comfortable for him, either… with mom screaming in the background and me almost in tears, trying to chat with him and fend for myself all at once? Not exactly ideal. And I just feel so bad because he always gets dragged into it. I mean, there were… things said about him by Mom that I really, really hope he didn't hear.
"It's okay. It wasn't your fault." No… it was. I think it was. "How're you holding up?"
"I'm alright." I respond, sighing. "Been better, but everything's calmed down."
"Good."
"How's everything over there?" I ask after a few seconds.
"It's… good." He replies after a brief hesitation.
"Have you started work yet?"
"Yeah."
"How's that going?"
"It's alright." He says.
"That's specific."
I can just see him shrug or roll his eyes as he responds, "It could be better. It could be worse. I don't know what else you want me to say."
"…Well, how is everyone, then?"
"Dad's good." I don't know if it's a slip up or just my phone cutting out, but I definitely take note that Riku just said "Dad" and not "your Dad". "And… I haven't really seen anyone else."
"Where's Zakku?"
"Darry."
"…Oh." I reply, eloquently. "So you're basically alone then."
"Basically. Thanks, Sora."
"Sorry."
He laughs a little. "It's fine. Besides, if I wanted to hang out with someone, I would."
We're quiet, but I don't mind. It's just… really nice to know that he's right here, even if he's not here here.
I finally break the silence with, "So, what are you wearing?" There's a long pause, which is probably Riku trying to figure out if I'm serious. I'm not. Still, he doesn't laugh until I do.
"I miss you."
"I miss you, too," He says. A beat. "I really, really miss you."
--
For the next three days I dream that I'm back home, only to face crushing disappointment when I wake up on a crappy bed in a tiny room in a wreck of a house in a pathetic, close-minded suburb.
I'm a little homesick.
Whatever, at least Donald and Goofy are free today. I can't believe how busy they've been… I feel so abandoned! Ha.
"Is it good to be back, Sora?" Donald asks me as the three of us basically wander around town.
"Eh." I reply. "I miss Riku a lot."
"It's good you don't live here anymore." Goofy says.
"…Thanks."
"I'm sorry!" He says, chuckling. "All I meant was that you're better off with your dad."
"Oh." I say. "Well, I think he's right."
I know he is. Just a few more days and I'll be back there. For good.
When I get home in the afternoon I go straight to my old room and flop onto the bed. All of this drama aside… I'm glad I'm here. I think I know a lot of things now that I didn't before. Important things.
As miserable as I've been this last year… it could have been worse. I finally have some perspective.
I was talking to Chris one time, about how I used to be picked on all the time for being gay. He said AJ used to live in a place like that too… people would call him BJ.
And Chris has lots of friends but… he's one of those guys. He's out-there and annoying and you either love him or hate him. The people who hate him are more… vocal than the people who love him. But he doesn't get bullied for being gay.
Ever.
Even that's an improvement.
I really have this… sense of community for the first time. More friends than I ever thought I could have. I can be myself for once and… I don't have to deny myself of anything I'm feeling.
I never will again.
And… as much as Mom hates Riku, it's not because he's a guy or anything. She has her own convoluted reasoning. But the whole thing is, she doesn't give a shit that I'm gay either. That's something. Even if we're really messed up, my family accepts me.
Lastly, and this is a huge improvement, too, I must say… is I've finally stopped dreaming about Axel. It's probably because I have something immediate to stress about, example being… well, being here, but it's finally done. Over. I don't have to keep dwelling on it, and I don't have to keep feeling guilty. Period.
--
I am finally going home!
I feel like I've been here for… hell, fourteen years! I am restless throughout the entire bus ride, texting people and squirming around, turning to look out the window and then reading a book that I bought a few days ago. (I was not about to make the same mistake twice.) Sometime around sunset, I fall into an exhausted sleep.
Just like that.
When I wake up again, the bus has stopped and people are getting out. I hastily grab my things and meet with Dad. It's dark… I don't know if it's really late or really early. He asks me how everything went, and I say I'll tell him later. We drive the rest of the way home in comfortable silence. I check the clock, and it's still nighttime. And really not as late as I thought it was.
The first thing I do when we get in the house is check the answering machine for messages. It's beeping, so there's certainly stuff on there. I might as well see if there's anything for me. There's one message from Chris.
"Congrats! You survived happy homophobialand!" He said. I guess it's a nice thing to come home to… people missed me. It feels good: there is something here for me.
But… apparently not Riku. He works till eleven tonight, and a part of me wonders if he's still angry after all this time.
Jerkass.
Although when he does come home, he seems genuinely happy to see me. In fact… he seems a lot happier in general than I remember him being. He grins and hugs me, tells me he's glad I'm back and that I'd better not do that again, laughing. What a relief. I'm suddenly overcome with emotion and don't speak, instead returning the embrace and burying my face in his chest. I missed him. More than I can ever express… I missed him. And… I feel so at home. No doubt about it. I belong here.
Later in the night, Riku gets on his knees and shows me exactly how much he missed me.
And I do my best to show him the same when I return the favor.
--
"Riku?" I ask, sometime late in the night. I don't know how long we've been laying in bed, not really saying anything. For the longest time, I didn't even know he was awake.
"What?"
It takes me a moment to ask my question-- and I do, by the way, have one to ask. I've gotten so far past that kid who used to talk to Riku just to be talking to Riku. That kid seems like a different person to me. Or… I guess that should be: I seem like a different person. "Why do you like me?" He glances over at me and rolls his eyes, smiling. "I'm serious… I guess I'm not particularly smart or funny or good-looking. I'm just kind of average."
"Because you have money." He replies right away, smirking.
"I'm serious."
"Look," He says now, any trace of a joke in his voice now gone. "If you weren't all those things, I wouldn't be with you. I would never have wasted the time." He rolls over, almost on top of me. "Besides, no one else understands me."
"Other people like us would." I answer. Then, "maybe." when he doesn't reply.
After a moment's pause, he chuckles. "Sora, I don't think there is anyone like us."
I think he's right.
--
Riku and I spend the whole weekend together. It's so great feel natural and myself with someone I love so deeply… I felt really stifled back home. No… no. I'm with Riku now-- that place is not, was not, and will never be my home. That's okay. Doesn't mean I'm denying myself of anything. Denying anything. Just means I don't really want to go back. I'm done pretending like there's never been anything wrong, but it doesn't mean I have to pity myself either. For the first time in my life, I've got a really good middle.
…And now, Riku's arm over my shoulder.
What more do I need?
--
On Monday, Riku's working so I hang out with Kairi. It's still weird when it's just the two of us, even though that's how it is most of the time now. Riku stopped hanging out with us… well, when he started using drugs, I guess. But I like it just fine. If Roxas is more like a brother than anything, Kairi is my best friend.
"You know," She says as we're taking to bus over to the beach. "If you weren't gay I'd dump my boyfriend for you."
So I say, "And if I weren't gay, I'd dump my boyfriend for you, too." She laughs and punches my arm before hugging me. It's startling, it always is-- I don't know why, but I return the gesture.
--
On Friday, I spend the day with Roxas. It's been way too long since we've spent the day together.
"I'm glad you're back." He says absently as he grabs the remote from the table, starting to flip through channels on the TV. "I was dying of boredom without you here."
"Sorry."
We're quiet until he finds something interesting and stupid. When a commercial comes on he says, "So, I saw Hayner, Pence, and Olette."
"How'd that go?"
He shrugs. "It… wasn't the same. I guess this is kind of my home now."
"I know what you mean."
--
Later, after Roxas's gone home, Dad says, ruffling my hair, "The house was too quiet without you here."
I've never felt more at home.
--
Riku.
Is.
Leaving.
Before I even knew it August came and Riku turned eighteen, and now he's moving out for good. What am I supposed to do with him gone? Since we met we've been apart for a few weeks at a time, but only a few weeks at a time. This seems so… permanent. I've been by his side almost constantly for three years, and now he's just leaving? I feel cheated somehow. I know it makes no sense… this is great, really, that Riku's life is going so well and he's really found his way. That he's starting college soon and has his own place and can be independent again. That's all he's ever wanted. He's so excited.
Don't get me wrong, I am too. I'm thrilled. I've never been so happy for him, or so proud. But… I've found myself wishing more than once that he had failed, so that I would be able to take care of him.
I'm awful.
"What's on your mind?" Riku asks as he packs up, a day or so before he leaves for good.
"Nothing, baby." I just don't think he'd understand.
"I can't believe that I'm actually leaving." Neither can I.
The night before he leaves, we sleep outside like runaways. We're only in the backyard but… we're not using a tent or blankets or sleeping on the hammock. It's exciting in an odd way, having the thrill of adventure that running away provided us with the safety being home. I know I'm sugarcoating it… running away was a hell. Riku was freaking psycho and I was a mess and we were hungry, dirty, and scared… but I feel an odd sense of nostalgia. I like it.
"I love you." I say. He looks over at me and smiles. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. The sun only set a few hours ago, but I'm exhausted. One thing that really strikes me as odd is how clear the sky looks. It's probably because of all the streetlamps. I guess I never realized how accustomed I was to being in total darkness, every star in the night sky in plain sight. But Riku's arms wrapped around me definitely makes up for that. I can't help but think that this is how we should have been from the start.
It was… a journey. A horrible, scary, humbling, wonderful journey.
Completely worth it.
Everything.
Her abuse, the abandonment, running away… his aloofness, break-ups, the fights, dealing with his drug abuse and withdrawal, how afraid I was and still am for what will happen to us…
It's all been worth it.
And it's going to hurt at first, when Riku's gone… but maybe someday we'll live together. Maybe we'll marry.
Things can only get better.