A/N: Please vote in the poll on my ffnet profile page for what outtake/extra you would like to see.

Mallory

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I don't think that I deserve any.

That's probably why I'm in the situation that I am.

I never felt that I was worth of love, to be love or love anyone else. I thought that I had lost that privilege a long time ago.

I think I even lost who I once was, the second I lost my dad.

Then Tyler came along and changed everything.

Brought that old side of me back even if its just for a few seconds at a time.

He brought that out, made me feel less pain, made me feel better.

I ruined that though.

I can't just have him and be happy and realize what I have.

I had to wait and lie and fuck every possible thing up before I could actually realize how much he means to me.

All hope of mine is gone.

Yet there's a part of me that refuses to give up, I can't.

He's the first person to mean something to me and I can't let him go. Not this easy. He's going to have to do more than move out of my apartment and take all his things, yell at me, scream at me and then ignore me.

I sound like an insane person, everything I've just said should be telling me all that I need to know, he doesn't want me. He moved out. He left. He took everything. There's only one thing that he forgot and its one of his white v neck shirts. I've been wearing it for the past couple of days. I found it under the bed, probably kicked under there while we were fucking.

No, we didn't fuck. We made love.

God, who am I?

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

This one fucking person has changed me so drastically in such a short period of time that I don't even know what I'm doing with myself.

When he left though, it shocked me.

It was as if someone was shaking me, yelling at me.

Saying that I can't keep living in my bubble, I can't keep pushing people away and trying to protect myself because I'm not doing any of that. I'm hurting others in the process of hurting myself.

It's not benefiting anyone, helping anything. Only hurting.

I've always only hurt.

I need to just go with it now, take the happiness I once had and chase it, go for it.

It might be my only chance to do so.

Telling me that I need to make him mine. I need to find a way to keep him. Forever.

Its harder than it looks.

Its morning and I'm waking up in my bed alone, again.

I sent out the letter five days ago.

Signed my heart away.

Left it to him.

Leaving him to decide our fate, my fate.

I've never mailed anything to anyone but I assume it doesn't take five days to go ten blocks.

That means he either didn't read it, or he doesn't care.

Maybe he just threw it away the instant that he received it.

My handwriting was so shaky that day that I'm sure he thought it was just someone creepy trying to contact him.

So there goes that idea, out the window with the rest of our relationship.

My heart keeps telling me to go and see him, just go and do it. What could it hurt? My brain however is yelling at me to stay put.

Do something else.

What else Is there though?

There's only one option that I can think of.

Going to see him.

Somehow. Somewhere.

His house?

On the street?

His word?

If I do that, I'm definitely going to have to talk to him. There will be no other option. I'll have to just say what I'm thinking and hope he doesn't ignore me then too. Or yell at me. Or any other bad scenario that my brain keeps creating.

Should I do this?

Yes.

Why not?

Right?

Sure.

No.

This is bad.

This can't work.

I need him though, I do.

I miss him.

I at least need to see him one more time, right?

See him, touch him, feel him, taste him.

No. Stop it.

If I go its because I'm going to get him back, or at least try to. None of this creeping around shit. I slide out of bed and walk around the flowers and vase that are still a mess on the floor. Its painful to see but I can't bring myself to clean it up.

I walk into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. My hair is a mess, I haven't brushed it in days. My eyes are puffy and black because of my makeup. I look extremely pale and sick. I don't give a fuck. I throw on whatever I can find and I head out the door.

I can't look back now, there's no time for that.

O_-_-_O

I think I've been standing outside the restaurant for a half an hour. I am nervous, I don't know what to say to him. I guess I just need to say whatever comes to mind, whatever I want to know. Whatever will make him listen to me? I need to just do it, just go in and get it over with. Soon. People are starting to think I'm crazy just standing here staring at the windows. I positioned myself so that he wouldn't be able to see me if he was looking out, I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to have somewhat of an upper hand.

I can do this.

As I repeat that over and over in my head someone walks by me and hits my shoulder. They weren't doing it on purpose, its New York it happens, yet all I can think of is that its my sign. Its someone telling me that I need to just do this, get up the courage and go.

What do I have to lose? I've already lost everything.

I opened the door and my hands were shaking, violently. I couldn't hold anything right now, I probably looked like a fucking drug addict coming off a high. I wouldn't doubt it. That's probably why people had been looking at me so weirdly.

My eyes quickly scanned the restaurant, waiting to see the familiar mess of brown hair. I was nervous and ended up having to scan the room four times before finally seeing him at the counter, helping some people. I don't think he had seen me yet. Good.

I walked forward, composing myself with every step. Focus, its just Tyler.

The people in front of the counter walked away leaving me only feet away from him. With nothing but a counter top between us. It was daunting, scary even. This was the first time I had seen him since he left me. Since he stormed away, shattering every part of me.

I put my hands up on the counter, gripping the edges to keep myself stable.

"What can I get for you?" He spoke, without looking up. I say nothing. I scan his face and I'm taken back by seeing him now. I expected him to look happier or something? I don't know? I guess I thought that because he wasn't with me and he seemed to be okay with that, that he would look better. He doesn't. He looks horrible. He's in shambles. He has somewhat of a beard growing in and his hands are shaky. His hair is crazy but not in the sexy way it was before, now its more of a sad and depressed way.

"What are you doing here?" My eyes quickly go back to his and I almost have to recoil. He seems angry and shocked at my presence.

"Uh-" Complete loss of all thought.

"You can't be here." Yes, I can. I feel my strength trying to push its way back.

"It's a restaurant, yes I can."

"Fine, what do you want to order?" He's being short with me and I know he just wants me to leave, I can tell. I came here for something though and I'm not leaving until I get it.

"I need to talk to you." I order. My voice sounds strong and meaningful. Finally.

"That's not what I meant."

"Tyler."

"Is there an issue, Tyler?" A man who I can only assume is his boss came over and stood beside him, looking at me with a smile. He probably thought that Tyler was just being an asshole to any random customer.

I wasn't about to correct him.

No, I am not random.

Tyler glares at me, his eyes are cold and angry.

"No we're good." He looks at his boss and smiles, its so fake.

"Alright, have to keep the customers happy!" The man smiles at me again and pats Tyler on the back before walking back into the kitchen.

"Just leave Mallory, please."

"I just want to talk to you." I say it casually, I don't want to beg.

"No." He goes back to doing something behind the counter. I follow him as he moves around. He's avoiding eye contact now.

"Did you get my letter?"

"Yes." He got it. He didn't react to it. At all. He didn't try to contact me in any way shape or form. What the fuck? Did he think that I was lying and all that was bull shit? Wait, he got it but did he read it.

"Did you read it?"

"We're not talking right now." So hes not saying that he read it or not?

"Did you read it?"

"Yes." And he still didn't try to contact me. This is bad. Worse than I expected. Fuck me.

"So you still feel the same way?" He knows that I mean the same way as when he left me in my apartment. Even if he didn't all he'd have to do was look into my eyes and he would be able to tell.

"I don't fucking know." His fingers twist into his hair, pulling hard. "I wasn't ready to see you today, at all. Can you not see that?"

"I figured that it was my only way."

"I'm sorry, Mallory." He didn't sound sorry, he sounded like he pitied me. Like he thought I was worth nothing. Like he couldn't believe that I thought I still had a chance with him. I didn't say another word, I just walked out. I didn't think that there was anything left to say. What could I do to make him love me, to make him care about me?

The street was busy with people, it was just around noon. I enjoyed it because I could lose myself in the crowd. I was walking down the street, towards my apartment, avoiding thinking. I tried to be numb, to forget all the bullshit.

The love I have for him isn't gone, its in my heart.

My heart is just broken in pieces. It feels stomped on, kicked, punched, squeezed. He really can't hurt me any further, I feel like I've past that mark a long time ago.

I keep closing my eyes, hoping to keep the tears at bay before I get to my apartment. I don't want to be the girl walking down the streets crying. I'm not that girl, I never have been. No.

"Mallory!" I hear my name being called but because of the zone I've put myself into it sounds muffled, far away. Maybe it is? "Mallory! Mallory!"

Its Tyler's voice, I know it is.

Is it real or not, though? I don't know. My sub conscious could just be messing with me at this point.

"Mallory stop!" I stop in my tracks. That voice is closer than I thought. I flip around and see him pushing through people, trying to get to me. I don't know if he saw me or if he just knew I had gone this way but he was determined to get through.

"I'm sorry I'm being such an asshole, I had planned to be calm and nice and civil the next time that I saw you. I didn't want to be like this."

"Then why is it like this?" I threw my hands up. I was frustrated. The fucking mood swings on him were killing me. I'm sure I did the same thing to him but that's when we were so fucking complicated. Before either of us knew the full extent of our situation. I feel like then we had the right to be crazy and volatile in our relationship. Now it just makes no sense. We're both out in the open right?

Whatever.

"I don't fucking know. I'm lost. Since I read your letter I've been trying to figure out what to do. Because I seriously don't know." He ran his hands though his hair, closing his eyes.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I don't want to lose you." He breathed out as his hands fell to his sides. His eyes opened and connected with mine instantly. "I'm pissed off and yet I miss you like fucking crazy. I don't want to lose you, I can't."

"I don't want to lose you either, but like I told you in my letter its all on you now. I can't do anything more. I mean I suppose I just did by coming to see you at work and all but-"

"Its on me." It was more of a statement to himself than me but I responded anyways. I wanted to make sure that he knew that I meant it. That it was up to him what happened with us taking it any further. I obviously wanted this and I was going to stick around no matter what to do what we needed to do.

"Yes."

"Can we uh- can we talk about this more in a little bit?" Now he was nervous and I didn't get why? " I didn't really tell my boss that I was leaving, I just kind of ran after you immediately."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I should have expected that you would just run away." I hated hearing him say that. All his words from my apartment were instantly brought back to me. I had to close my eyes and squeeze them shut for a moment, trying to get rid of the memories.

"Mallory?"

"Yeah, sorry about that." I pulled myself out and back into reality.

"Can I come and see you after work?" This was why he was nervous. He was asking to come to my apartment, to come back, to come see me.

"Yes." I answered, too quickly. I didn't hesitate because I knew that I wanted him there.

"Alright, good. Then I'll see you there in two hours?" I shook my head and I felt a small smile play across my lips. It was the first time since he left that I had felt relatively happy. I didn't know how our little talk would go or what he would say but I figured that I should just go with it.

Telling myself once again, I had nothing to lose.

I had already lost him.

Now I just had to get him back.

A/N: I never know when I can update so I'll just say: Soon my Tyllory lovers, soon.