Chapter thirty five: Scared

NPOV

July 14, Friday

I was in my room. Waiting.

I could hear Carlisle passing by. Carrying my husband. He asked me not to watch. I would have carried him myself, but he begged me to let him keep his dignity, if there's any left after what happened.

He was brought towards the room that was rebuilt to an operating room, fully sterilized and equipped. Over the phone he kept his cool, but now he was here, I could hear his heart beating through the walls. Hammering.

I was scared too. We are two parts of one, without him I am nothing. I tried once, for five years, to go on without him and that entire time I had felt incomplete. Now we both found each other, it would be much much worse. We have had our piece of heaven.

There is this thought in the back of my head that keeps telling me things I don't want to hear. That perhaps it was so beautiful because it was never meant to last an eternity, that all the love was pressed together in five years of intense happiness.

It can't be. Five years with him was much more than I once hoped for, but I need more. I needed him forever.

"Nessie," I heard Carlisle say softly in the adjoining room.

I rushed in and wrapped my arms around Jake, crying already.

What if I never get to see those beautiful blue eyes again?

"Please Jake, don't think stuff like that."

"We have to think about that. If the surgery goes well, we'll have a lot of time to talk about everything else. But if it goes bad, this is our last conversation."

"You'll be fine. You're strong and Carlisle is the best."

"I'm so scared, honey. I shouldn't be, if it goes wrong I won't notice. But I don't want to leave you behind."

"You won't."

"Listen to me Ness. You have to promise me something. If anything should…" he swallowed "I want you to move on with your life. Cherish what we had, remember with happiness, but love again."

"I can't promise you that."

"What good are thirty years of friendship and love, if you are going to spend eternity feeling unhappy afterwards? Then it would not be worth it. Promise me you'll try. Maybe not right away. But someday you'll find your soul mate." Even if it's Jasper.

I just shook my head. This is not what I want our possible last conversation to be like.

Please baby, you have to promise me. Please. Tears were in his eyes now as well.

"Alright. I promise you I'll try. Probably not in this century, and I'll never love anyone the way I love you, but I'll try. Okay?"

"Okay. And there's another thing I want to tell you."

"What is it?"

"About what happened that Sunday."

"Please, let's not talk about that now."

"I need to. I want you to know I forgive you. If we get through this, I will need some time learning to trust again. But I do forgive you."

"You're just saying that because you don't want me to feel guilty for all eternity."

"Maybe so. But the fact that I care so much means that I forgive you." I mean it.

I nodded. It did lift a weight of my shoulders. Some of the guilt. Not all of it. But some.

"And another thing. I need you to take care of my pack. Especially William."

"I think they will manage fine."

"I don't think so. William… well, alright, I better tell you so you understand why he acted strange around us both. He thinks he's got this crush on me, and he's having a major identity crisis."

"On you?"

"Is that so hard to believe?" he said with a small smile.

"From William, yeah, kinda."

"I was quite shocked myself, but anyway, I don't think he'll be just fine. And he's been taking care of me so well these weeks. So will you look after him?" I think you'll do better too if you are taking care of somebody else. You're that kind of girl.

"Okay. I will. Need any more promises?"

"Nah, that's about it," he smiled his sunshine smile at me.

"I'll make some more. I promise you I'll be here for you when you wake up. And I promise you we'll get through this, all of it. And I promise you that no matter what happens, I'll love you forever."

"Me too, baby. Come here."

I held on to him for the longest time, both of us crying.

Until I could hear Carlisle's mind.

He's growing more anxious every minute. We need to get started, Nessie. His heart…

I nodded at Carlisle, gave him permission to inject the anesthetics, but I couldn't let Jake go. He dozed off in my arms, his thoughts shipping between I love you and I'm scared.

As were mine.

Esme and Bella peeled me off of him, only Carlisle and Edward would stay in the room. They almost carried me out of the house. If I stayed inside, I would be able to hear every cut and every bone break. The cabin would be an option, but after the incident I didn't go back there, and I probably never will. They took me to a clearing in the forest, and there we sat, cell phones nearby.

How was I supposed to stay sane?

Jasper stepped closer to the three of us and silently asked me Allow me?

I nodded and welcomed some of his calm. Stay or go?

"Please stay." I could hear in his mind that he was just as worried and filled with guilt as me.

My emotions were calmed, but my mind still wasn't.

I needed distraction. So I followed Jake's advise. After all, he knows me best. I used Bella's phone to keep mine available.

"Hello."

"Hi William, it's Nessie."

"Do you have any news yet?" His voice sounded anxious. He really cared for Jake. I can't believe I didn't see this before. His whole protective act.

"Not yet. Um… Jake let me know you took very good care of him. Maybe you want to come over and wait here with us?"

"He told you," he stated.

I hesitated a few seconds. "Yes, but only because he cares for you too."

"I know. Always the super wolf."

"Yeah. So what do you say?"

"I planned to phase and run around, but if I come over, I get the news faster, right?"

"Yes. We're in the forest behind the house. You'll find us." Just smell the fear.

"On my way."

Esme went back into the house, and she was replaced by Tina. All other vampires stayed inside in case any help was needed. The ones that stayed with me - Bella, Tina and Jasper - were my minimal support group.

When William arrived, the five of us sat down in silence, all immersed in a shell of lethargy from Jasper.

And hours passed by.

From time to time Bella called Alice, who reassured us that everything was still going according to plan. I didn't really believe it, because in the best case scenario, the operation would be finished by now.

At some point during the day, Emmett stepped into the clearing, carrying three elks. He brought us diner. We could all go for days without blood, but I think he just wanted to feel useful. I guess everybody in the house was going crazy too.

Two times Esme called us, on Bella's phone, to ask if were all still okay. She's probably stressing over the fact that she can't take care of all of us.

When the evening fell, Rachel joined us and we started to receive nervous phone calls from Seattle. Whenever a phone rang, I almost got a stroke. So Bella told Eve and the rest that she would call them if there was any news, and asked not to call us anymore. Keep our lines free. There were now six cell phones to stare at, although we previously agreed that they would call my number.

And more hours passed.

Still Edward and Alice couldn't give us anymore details, but we all had this feeling – without saying it out loud – that the long surgery could not be a good sign. Our hopes were slowly fading and Jasper's calm was losing it's effect. Or maybe he was just exhausted and too worried himself.

And then finally my cell phone rang.

We all stared at it, as if it was an alien device landed at our feet from outer space.

My trembling hand reached out for it, Carlisle's number was on the screen.

I pressed the accept button but no sound came over my lips.

"Nessie, the operation is over."