Winter hissed in fury, "I thought you loved me, Shrek! You were supposed to be my adorable little sex toy for the rest of eternity! You were supposed to be mine, Shrek! MINE!"
"Jesus," said Shrek, "you're fuckin' crazy woman."
"Yeah!" Yang added, "You can't simply have Shrek all to yourself! Shrek's love has to be shared with everyone!"
"What she said."
In spite of being absolutely terrified of her only minutes before, Shrek's calming presence made her feel at ease. Now that Weiss could see things more clearly, it was downright ludicrous to see how her sister changed from a cool, collected mastermind into a Shrek-obsessed, yandere lunatic. It was just absolutely bonkers.
A new figure came in from down the streets, standing right beside Shrek with his cane in hand.
"Winter Schnee," said Professor Ozpin, "you have long overstayed your welcome."
Although Weiss had not seen him in over six years, she had not expected to see just how drastically different he looked, now that he had green skin and Shrek-like ogre ears.
"It's all ogre for you."
Mercury Black, also bearing similar genetic modifications, came circling around behind him. "The Robocop patrol is here to kick your ass."
"No," said Winter, "you two are supposed to be dead! How the hell are you still alive, and ogre-like?"
"Did ya forget?" Shrek answered, "I'm The Doctor ya know. Now hand over that screwdriver."
"Errrgghh! Enough of this you insolent fiends!" The Fairy Godmother leaped back, with Chakravartin still strapped on her back, and made a wave of her magic wand. "This wand is mine by right, and I shall not let any of you have it!"
"It was never meant to be yours, Winter."
"BAKA! You're just a stupid, handsome, smelly, ugly ogre!"
"You take that back, woman."
"And guess what? Ogres don't get happy endings! Ha! Now I shall destroy you in the most efficient manner possible!"
With a flick of her wand, Winter conjured up a death note, which fell into her hands.
"NO!" shouted Weiss.
But almost instantly after it was summoned, the death note burst into flames.
"What? How is this happening?" Winter then turned back towards Shrek. "It's because of you, Shrek! Why can't you let me have my fun?"
"It's because your fun hurts other people!" said Ruby as she trotted up to the assemblage of ogres.
"Dunkeh?" said Shrek. "Oh wait, no, that's just Ruby."
The Fairy Godmother let out a contemptuous snort, "Hmph! Well, I have other ways of dealing with you hooligans. Chakravartin, open fire."
The giant deity hovering behind Winter then reformed its arms to perform some sort of arcane, symbolic gesture, whereupon a glowing ball of pure energy began to form just a few inches before it.
"Everyone behind me!" said Shrek as he motioned the others to move.
Even though Weiss was still somewhat out of it, she quickly formed up behind the others, right in between Mercury and Yang.
"How are you alive?" she asked the brawler.
"Fought my way through Hell and back," said Ruby's sister. "Security's surprisingly lax down there."
Far down the street, as Chakravartin finished charging up his laser, Winter made another flick of her wand, opening up a rift in the space-time continuum just a few feet from her. A bald superhero wearing a yellow jumpsuit, red gloves, and a white cape jumped out from this rift, which closed immediately afterward.
"Oh shit," exclaimed ogre-Mercury.
Weiss turned and asked, "What is…"
-PSHOOOOOO!-
A great beam of light surged over the group, though instead of disintegrating them, the light seemed to curve around Shrek, who gathered Chakravartin's energy in the palms of his powerful ogre hands. Weiss had to shield her eyes from the light surrounding the group, which tore through the streets around them.
Through the deafening roar of the laser blast, Weiss could hear her sister's voice, "Saitama, eliminate them!"
"Yes, Fairy Godmother."
As soon as the blast subsided, the bald superhero dove in from up high to punch Shrek in the face. Although barely noticeable, his eyes glowed a slight shade of red, due to the Fairy Godmother's powerful love magic.
"Everyone get back!" said Professor Ozpin.
Just before the punch connected, everyone jumped off to the side, landing on top of the buildings flanking the street.
-KAPOW!-
Saitama's singular punch drove Shrek straight through the middle of the street, causing it to come crumbling down into the sewers below. Several buildings began to fall as Shrek's heavyweight body slammed into its vital underground supports.
However, even though Shrek's body had been bruised quite a bit, not even the titular One Punch Man could punch through all of Shrek's layers.
"Is that all you've got?"
The nigh invincible superhero smirked a bit, and walked forth to chase down his opponent, "At last, I have found an opponent worthy of my abilities."
As Shrek emerged from the rubble and charged at Saitama to deliver his own counter-punch, Yang jumped over to Winter's left side, and prepared to deliver her own punches. A ghostly figure of Asura rose up from behind Yang and began to mimic her movements.
"Feel my Hell-bound fury!"
Both Yang and her unusual Stand delivered a thousand blows into the barrier conjured up by Chakravartin. Although Winter returned to her usual calm, now that Shrek was occupied with Saitama, the barrier seemed like it was just about to crack.
Then out of nowhere, Italian Spiderman teleported right besides Yang, and then snapped his fingers right into her left shoulder, sending her flying towards the west shore.
"What?" exclaimed Weiss as Saitama had been thrown across the river by one of Shrek's punches, "I thought you were on our side!"
"I'm not on anyone's side, pussy-cat," Italian Spiderman responded.
Over on the ground, Ruby trotted back to her own scythe, and then lifted it up with her own Stand.
"You hurt my sister!"
In a seemingly futile effort, Ruby charged at the red-sweater superhero, who simply teleported out of the way before knocking her on her back.
-POW!-
A shot from Gaston's rifle punched into the cosmic barrier protecting Winter and her god-like Stand, but it did not seem to have much effect.
However, Gaston did not seem at all faltered by this, for he called out to the townsfolk of Vale even though most of them had likely perished in the chaos. "Who does she think she is, trying to take all of Shrek's love for herself? Not even the dreaded Yuno Gasai, she who bedded Yukiteru and gave birth to young Neopolitan, would ever engage in such foul play! Not only is this a crime against all human decency, but it is an affront to our great lord Shrek and everything he stood for!
"This woman who calls herself the Fairy Godmother has done nothing but inhibit the spread of Shrek's love! We cannot let this be, for like Tiberium, Shrek's love must spread across the world! Hear me, citizens of Vale! Today marks the day of the Great Shrekoning! Though many of you may be ghosts lingering through time and space, we must unite as one to defeat the Fairy Godmother!"
At this moment, Gaston suddenly threw his gun to the side before continuing his speech. "I may be but one man, but inside my chest of manhood lies an untapped pool of limitless resolve! When you believe in yourself and when you believe in Shrek, then there is nothing you cannot overcome! That is why I throw my gun aside, because not even the fire of a thousand machine guns could match the tempo of my punches!"
As cheers resounded throughout the land, Gaston leaped down to street level, dodging a fully-charged laser from Chakravartin.
As Gaston attempted to roll into his next attack, Italian Spiderman teleported behind him, and unloaded a hellfire of bullets into the back of his skull.
"You think you're tough shit, Sherlock? You ain't nothin' without me."
"Leave him alone!" Ozpin shouted as he ran up to Italian Spiderman. Yet although the superhero attempted to pull the same trick with the old professor, Ozpin simply pulled up his green barrier, wave-dashed, and then struck his cane into Italian Spiderman's stomach. Mercury Black followed this up with a few kicks of his own, just barely dodging some of Winter's magical beams.
Coughing up some blood, Italian Spiderman rolled off to the side and then used one of his teleports to stand back up. "How the hell did you sneak up on me like that? You fuckin' lost to Qrow, and he's at least a thousand times weaker than I am."
"I'm an ogre now, remember?" Ozpin retorted.
"And so am I," said Mercury.
"Fuck," said Italian Spiderman, "I knew I shouldn't have gotten myself involved in this mess."
"Prepare to get Shrekt!" said Yang as she emerged from the rubble.
Even though Italian Spiderman probably could have teleported away at any time he wanted, the three of them steadily walked closer, with donkey-Ruby also joining their ranks.
Winter was seething with rage by this point, "This is insidious! How is it that three measly runts like you are able to stand up to one of the strongest superheroes in the entire universe?"
"Give it up, Winter!" Weiss said as she leaped down to street level.
"You…" Winter growled, before using her Stand to encapsulate her sister into another bubble.
This time, however, Weiss, channeling the full power of the force into her two blades and fueled by her own determination, plunged through the barrier, shattering it completely.
"No! That shouldn't be possible!"
However, Weiss at this point was charging at Winter's barrier, ready to hack through it with her newfound strength.
Winter and her Stand suddenly rose up into the air, high above the city skyline, "Screw it!"
With another flick of her wand, Winter summoned at least two dozen Daleks around her, each of which made confused cries of "Exterminate?" to each other.
"Get them!"
The Daleks all united at Winter's command and then dove down into the streets, unleashing a barrage of disintegrating fire.
Following this, Winter tore another rift into the fabric of reality with her magic wand, out of which came Meta Knight and a horde of Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos.
As the Daleks and Waddle Dees moved to assist Italian Spiderman, Meta Knight dove down to confront Weiss.
"Hello, Miss Schnee," said Meta Knight as a Spanish guitar inexplicably played somewhere nearby. "I have been sent here to kill you."
Even though Meta Knight was much smaller than her, his attacks came with such shocking swiftness that even Weiss had difficulty blocking them. All of his swipes, strikes, and spins struck at her faster than anyone else she had ever known, and furthermore, all of his attacks received priority over her own. Meta Knight might have sounded like a cross between Antonio Banderas and Puss In Boots, but that did not make him any less of a formidable opponent.
Yang and the others were doing quick work on the horde of Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos, but their sheer numbers allowed Italian Spiderman and the Daleks to score a number of hits of their own, one of which had incapacitated Mercury.
"Fight on without me," he said.
Right at about this moment, Adam's mech, with many components in disrepair, appeared down the street, and fired into the horde with its bolter.
"Adam!" shouted Ruby, who had largely been ignored throughout the fight despite her vulnerability.
Although some of the Blake-mech's shots had destroyed some of the Daleks, Winter simply spawned in more.
"Giving up already, Miss Schnee?"
Meta Knight made several more rapid swipes at Weiss, before performing a spinning attack which knocked her backwards.
"I beat Gandhi and Nora. There's no way in hell I'm gonna lose to a schmuck like you!"
Weiss pushed herself out of the rubble. Even though Meta Knight could have rushed in and killed her then, he stood back, waiting until his opponent was ready.
Meta Knight drew out his sword once more, "En garde!"
As Weiss zipped out of the way of Meta Knight's next attack using the aid of one of her glyphs, four more figures appeared from the rooftops nearby.
"Don't worry Weiss," said Melanie as she dove down into the midst, "we're coming to help too!"
"Yeah!" shouted her twin sister, "we're still relevant!"
"Yo Weiss!" said a Banjo robot with Sun's voice. "Check it out! I'm fucking Mogar!"
Scarlet David then rested his arm around the Banjo robot. "Team Nice Dynamite is here to save the day!"
Briefly distracted by these sudden appearances, Weiss had almost gotten hit by another of Meta Knight's sword swipes, but she swiftly dodged out of the way.
As Scarlet and robo-Sun jumped down to help clear out the horde, Melanie swooped down with the aid of her feathered semblance while Miltia rode in on a series of conjured vines. A series of blasts from Chakravartin threatened to do them in, but the two of them were swift to dodge them.
At around this point, Saitama's body, now covered in dust, scratches and bruises, flew over the cityscape back into the northern districts, with Shrek soon following after him. In the brief instant that Weiss saw him, Shrek had also been pretty badly beaten up, but it still looked like he would endure.
In the brief moment that Shrek flew by, the Daleks stopped firing, and looked at each other confusedly.
"What is this that I am feeling?"
"No, we Daleks cannot live with this emotion."
"Being Dalek is suffering."
Weiss had no idea why the Daleks suddenly went awry, but in that brief moment, Ozpin, Yang, Sun, and Scarlet rushed through the wave of goons in an attempt to tackle Italian Spiderman.
"Enough!" shouted Winter from above, as her god-like stand sent another beam of pure energy down at the group below, tearing through the planet's crust and boring down deep into Remnant's core.
Although Mercury, Gaston, and Sun fell down deep into Hell, the others had managed to get out of the way.
"No! Mogar!" Scarlet cried out.
As this was happening, Melanie and Miltiades had moved in to assist Weiss, with Mel firing off a series of feathers and Miltia moving around to get into a better position.
"Your lack of honor is profoundly disturbing," said Meta Knight.
Although the elite star warrior was able to deflect every single feather with his golden sword, Miltia used this time to wrap her great vines around Meta Knight's round body, as he was too distracted to run away.
When he realized what was happening, Meta Knight attempted to cut through Miltia's vines, but once he was about halfway free, his sword got stuck in one particularly large vine.
"Curses!"
This provided Weiss just the opportunity she needed. Now that her opponent was mostly restrained, Weiss jumped on Miltia's vines and plunged her lightsaber into his thick armor.
"I have… been defeated."
The yellow eyes glowing from Meta Knight's visor then faded out, and the vines around him began to crumble into dust.
Weiss turned to the Malachite sisters, watching out from any more attacks from her older sister, "Thanks. But why did you two decide to help out?"
"Ozpin bugged us about it," Mel responded flatly. "When a guy who's supposed to be dead suddenly shows up as an ogre, you can't really afford to say no."
"Yeah," said Miltiades, "Shrek is really fucking strong! I bet he could take on Kung Fu Jesus and the Avatar without breaking a sweat."
In the meantime, Ozpin, Scarlet, Adam and Yang had cleared through the horde of Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos, and were now putting the pressure on Italian Spiderman.
"So this is how it's gonna be, eh?" said the red-sweater superhero. "Looks like it's time to get serious."
Italian Spiderman licked his lips, and then he pulled down his pants, revealing his ten-foot-long, fully erect penis.
"It's showtime!"
Floating just inches off the ground, Italian Spiderman twisted to the side and then spun round and round, his dick shredding anything it touched like a top-quality buzz-saw blade. Ozpin and Scarlet had managed to dodge out of the way, though the edge just missed Yang's hair by a quarter of an inch.
Ducking underneath the attack, Yang Xiao Long aimed her shot-gauntlets at Italian Spiderman's fully exposed balls.
-POW!-POW!-
The two shots sent Yang backwards, though they didn't seem to have any effect on the Italian superhero.
As his feet skidded across the edge of the sidewalk, Italian Spiderman slowly transitioned out of his spinning attack, turning to face his adversaries. "My balls are made of hardened steel! Now, let me show you…"
-BAM!-
Shrek, flying in from out of nowhere, slammed right into Italian Spiderman, crashing through several buildings nearby. The friction from Italian Spiderman's body hair created a twin trail of flames, and his dick tore a deep crack straight through Remnant's surface.
"Ow," said Shrek as he struggled to get back up. Even though he had not suffered any serious bodily injuries, he had suffered quite a few bruises to his face.
Saitama, also mostly unharmed, then flew in to deliver one final punch to Shrek. "You have fought well, friend, but I'm afraid that this will be the end for you."
"Oh, gee, you really think so?" Shrek replied back.
Just as Saitama was inches away from him, Shrek bent back, Matrix-style, and then grabbed onto Saitama's legs with his powerful ogre hands.
"Ogre my dead body!"
Quickly transitioning into his next move, Shrek jumped off Italian Spiderman's butt-cheeks and then began to swing Saitama round and around, like he was Super Mario himself. A localized tornado formed where he was standing, which began to collect any rubble or trash that had been nearby.
Once he had gained enough angular momentum, Shrek let go of One Punch Man's legs and said, "So long king baldy!"
When Shrek released his grip, Saitama was sent flying at Winter with such speed that not even he had enough time to adjust his trajectory.
Saitama's body instantly shattered the barrier protecting Winter and Chakravartin, though through sheer luck, Winter just barely dodged a direct hit.
Shortly after, the remaining Daleks began to jitter uncontrollably from Shrek's ogrewhelming presence.
"Help us!" one of them cried out.
"No! This is emotion is too unnatural for Daleks!"
"It burns us! It burns us!"
As all the Daleks all began to scream in unimaginable pain, one by one, their salt-shaker shells began to fall to the ground as the flesh inside them gave out. As the Daleks had been creatures forged from pure hatred and dreck, their bodies could not handle the sheer magnitude of Shrek's ogre love.
"No!" said the Fairy Godmother. "How is this possible! Saitama was supposed to be the strongest superhero in all of history! How could an ogre like you defeat someone like him!" Winter seethed with pure rage, and the Stand on her back began to charge several lasers at once. "Fine, if I cannot defeat you directly, then I shall destroy the whole universe instead!"
Winter's body soared higher and higher, and once she was at least five miles above the surface, she waved her arms downward, prompting Chakravartin to do the same.
"Farewell my love! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
-FSHOOOOOOOO!-
All of Chakravartin's many golden arms then fired their golden lasers deep into Remnant's surface like an apple slicer. Parts of the clouds that covered Vale gave way after Winter's attack but even now that the sun shined on Vale, the battle was still far from won.
But, now that Winter's threat had subsided for the moment, Weiss got down onto her knees and took a breather. Even though the dark clouds were not completely gone, there was something mesmerizing about seeing the bright blue sky above Vale after it had been gloomy for so long.
"Uh, where did Italian Spiderman go?" asked Miltia.
"Don't you worry about him," said Shrek. "We've got a lot of business to take care of."
Weiss heard Ruby trot over to where she was, leaping over the great rifts lining the city, but in the midst of her trance, she suddenly saw Chakravartin grow rapidly in size, until he eclipsed all that was visible above Vale's surface.
"Guys…" Weiss warned.
"How big is he?" asked Ruby.
"Pretty darn big," said Shrek, "though I betcha he's compensating for something."
"I've heard of something like this," said Adam as he stepped out of his Blake-mech. "If this is anything like that movie I saw the other day, then the Fairy Godmother and her pet are sitting right at the edge of the universe."
"You sure?" asked Yang.
"That's like a bajillion miles away!" Ruby added.
"I'm positive," said Adam. "That doesn't mean we can't take him, though we'll have to find some way to get there."
"Yeah," said Ruby, "but how long have we got?"
"Plenty of time," said Shrek.
All of a sudden, the great Ogrelord walked over towards Weiss and grabbed her, "Alright, Weiss, hold still for just a moment."
"Wha…"
Shrek then swept Weiss over and leaned in for a deep kiss. Despite the strange onion-flavored aftertaste on Shrek's lips, Shrek was a surprisingly good kisser.
"Oh wow…" Weiss remarked.
After a few seconds, Shrek leaned back, and put Weiss back upright. However, after a few seconds more, Weiss began to float up into the air against her own will, and she felt a surge of energy well up inside her much like when she had drunk Italian Spiderman's protein shake.
"It's happening…" Ruby said.
Everyone in the immediate area began to look upon Weiss with anticipation. Weiss could feel a faint, yet serene chorus lingering in the background, though she could not tell where it was coming from.
Once she was at least two feet off the ground, her arms and legs began to shine outward with a heavenly light, and the whole world began to glow much brighter than before.
As the whole world turned to white, Weiss heard Ozpin say, "This is the power of True Love's First Kiss."
Weiss could not tell what was going on around her, nor did she understand just what this spell was doing to her. She had given up on trying to find an explanation for things a long time ago. Still, she felt herself growing stronger and stronger, and she knew that, whatever Shrek had done to her, it would be beneficial somehow.
Eventually, the light had subsided, and Weiss felt like a person reborn.
"My beard, it's gone!"
Furthermore, Weiss's skin had turned green like Shrek and Professor Ozpin, and she had become a bit pudgier than usual.
"I'm… an ogre?"
When Weiss reached her hands up to where her ears had been, she instead felt whatever those green tubular things were in their place.
Even though she had seen similar results on Ozpin and Mercury, she was more than baffled to see the same procedure performed on herself.
"But, why?" asked Weiss.
She didn't mind the power gained from this new transformation, but she couldn't understand why she of all people would have received this gift, especially since she hadn't been one of those Shrek fanatics.
"It's what's in the heart that counts," said Shrek. "Besides, it'll really mess with your sister's head when she sees your new makeover."
"Can I be an ogre too?" said Ruby.
"Sure you can!"
Shrek then swept up donkey-Ruby in his arms and then gave her a hard kiss, which initiated her own transformation sequence.
"You know," said Yang, "you could transform back anytime you want to. That's what I did, cause those ear-things really messed with my hairdo."
"Eh, I'll keep this form for now," Weiss replied. "I kinda like Shrek's reasoning for it."
"We'll take the free power-ups too!" exclaimed Miltia.
"There's plenty more where that came from!" said Shrek. "But before I get to you ladies, there's still a couple more errands I need to run. Just wait here for a second."
Weiss watched as Shrek sprinted down the street to where Nora's rotting head remained. Using some sort of strange magical powers, Shrek lifted Nora's remains off the ground, and then reformed her head back into its proper shape before kissing it.
"The Great Shrekoning has begun," Ozpin remarked.
As Shrek ran down the street towards Adam's mech, a great light formed in the shape of Nora's body as her head floated off the ground, and about a minute later, Nora had been reborn, not as a vampire, but as an ogre.
"I live! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Nora said as she slowly descended back to the ground.
"Please tell me this isn't going to end badly," Weiss remarked.
"Hi Weiss! It looks like I'm one of the good guys now! Ugh, I can't believe Winter took over my role as the main bad guy of the story! Can you believe it? I mean this story was supposed to be about the epic battle between you and me over you stealing my delicious pancakes, but now there's actually a legitimate bad guy who's a threat to the whole universe!"
"We get it, Nora!" Weiss and Melanie shouted in unison.
Nora then looked up into the sky, finally noticing Winter's enormous Stand. "Oh… So how are we gonna deal with that?"
"Beats me," said Ruby.
"I think that Hindu god thing is similar to my Stand," Yang replied, "so we shouldn't have too much of a problem defeating it. The only problem is actually getting to it before it destroys everything."
At around this moment, a short, nearly bald teenage boy with a baggy white suit and rose tinted sunglasses wove his way into the group wearing a smile that could kill any man or woman he laid his eyes on.
With a single graceful stride and a snap of his fingers, Eddy turned around to address the rest of the group, "So, any of you fellas looking for a ride in our new spaceship?"
"Explain to me how I got roped into this again?" Roman asked as he fiddled with the bizarre array of controls before him.
"Well, you seem to be the most likely person that would know how to drive this," said Ruby. "Besides, it looks like you're doing a pretty good job."
"You know," said Yang, "we could have just taken the TARDIS."
"Or Gendo's old ship," Adam Taurus added.
"What are you talking about?" asked Eddy. "This baby cruises like a lean, mean, dream machine!"
"Err… I'm not so sure about our prospects, Eddy," said Double-D.
"Eh, it works, somehow," remarked Weiss.
In spite of the fact the ship was literally made out of plywood, cardboard, duct tape, and styrofoam, somehow it was cruising faster than the speed of light without any signs of structural failure, even with Ed banging his head on the walls. Although Weiss found it hard to believe, it somehow had managed to clear the edge of the galaxy in less than two minutes, even though almost all of modern science claimed such a feat was impossible.
Even more curious was the fact Shrek and Nora Valkyrie, who had somehow retained her powers from absorbing Gilgamesh and Hitler, were managing to keep up pace.
"Well," said Blake, "I'm just glad to have my old body back."
"The whole team is back together again!" Ruby cheered. "And we're all ogres too!"
"I'm sure that is something we can all celebrate," said Ozpin.
Adam shrugged, for even though he had been present at the initial gathering, he had not been turned into an ogre like the others.
"Did we forget Scarlet?" asked Miltia.
"I think he went down into the pit to look for Sun, or Mogar, or whatever his name is," answered Mel.
Weiss looked out through one of the side windows, which was actually just an empty space instead of glass or some other transparent substance. Even though only ten or so minutes had passed, their home galaxy was far, far away now. Looking through the cockpit, Winter, using the power of her Stand and magic wand, had been crushing several galaxies together, using the explosive power of their stars to send solar beams into other galaxies and create larger chain reactions. Although barely perceptible, she had also conjured forth a sticky-ball from Katamari Damacy, using it to collect the rubble from the cataclysmic destruction she wrought.
Yet, in spite of the sheer size and power of their opponent, they were more than ready.
"Shit, we've got incoming!" shouted Roman.
In the flash of an instant, the ship suddenly jerked downward as an unseen comet flew by overhead.
Chakravartin's voice echoed throughout the universe. "So, you have finally come." It was hard to tell whether it was the god speaking or whether Winter was speaking through him, but the result was the same either way. "Prepare to meet your maker!"
With the hands currently unoccupied with performing elaborate ceremonial gestures, Winter's subservient god unleashed a battery of lasers in the ship's general direction, which tore through several unseen galaxies in the way. However, even though they were all concentrated on the ship, Shrek zoomed forth and blocked the laser beams with his palms, creating a small zone of safety through which the ship could travel. Although it was difficult to see through the vast reaches of the cosmos, the parts of the beam Shrek could not block disintegrated innumerable stars, planets, and galaxies behind them, though Remnant itself and the galaxy it inhabited were spared.
"Did ya really think that trick would work when it didn't work last time?" Shrek called out.
"How can you take such pride in your victory when everything you love is dying around you?" echoed Winter's Stand. "Stars and planets are dying by untold undecillions, and yet you can still laugh as if it were nothing?"
"Eh, I can fix it later. I'm The Doctor after all."
"Insolence!" Winter exclaimed through her all-powerful deity. "I am The Master of all things! Your ass is mine by right!"
"You mean Dunkeh? You could have him if you'd like."
"Why couldn't you just stay locked up in my pretty little sex dungeon like a good little boy? I could have given you anything you wanted!"
"Jesus," said Roman, "she sounds crazier than Neo, and that's saying something."
"Can I have a chicken?" Ed asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Perhaps, if you're willing to eliminate these fools for me."
"But chickens are my friends and they are so cute and cuddly!"
Ed then dropped down, spinning and laughing on the floor.
"Useless ingrates…" murmured the Fairy Godmother.
"Give it up, Winter," Shrek called out.
"Yeah!" Ruby added.
"Errggh… very well," spoke Winter. "It matters not how far your willpower has brought you. I have attained divine mastery over the powers of creation and destruction. No matter how long you continue to resist, you will bow before me!"
With a flick of her wrist, Winter and her enormous Stand sent a galaxy spiraling towards the spaceship at over a trillion times the speed of light. Although many of its component stars, planets, comets, black holes, and asteroids had threatened to tear the ship apart, Roman's swift maneuvers, combined with Nora and Shrek's help, allowed the ship to pass through safely.
One of Chakravartin's many arms then swept across, and several large planetoids appeared right next to him. Although sheer distance made it difficult to make out, several cracks began to open up in each of these planets, and several large stone beak-like shapes began to form on their surfaces.
Bright light began to form in the middle of these beaks.
"Heads up Roman!"
Upon Melanie's warning, Roman swerved the ship down do dodge the incoming beam fire from the multiple Gohma Vlitras and Winter's bound god.
"Hmph…"
With another flick of her magic wand, the Fairy Godmother then conjured a wormhole just a few light years ahead of the group.
As the spaceship and its escorts had less than a millisecond to react to this new obstacle, they were all sucked into it.
"Shit!" said Ruby. "What are we going to do?"
"Don't worry," said Nora, "I've got this!"
Nora then drove Ea into the surrounding walls of the rift, cutting it open and thus preventing the wormhole from taking them wherever it was going to take them.
Once they were out, Nora made another swipe at Winter's planetoid monstrosities. Even though Winter and her conjurations were at least a few septillion light years away, Nora's attack had cleared the distance in just a few seconds, destroying the multiple Vlitras almost instantly and creating a sizable cut into Chakravartin's glowing chest.
"OGREKILL!" Nora cheered.
As the Ed boys' space ship crossed through the cosmos, Winter threw several more galaxies in its way, this time pushing several quadrillion stars into premature supernova to cut off any windows of escape. However, the ship itself seemed to pass through unfazed.
"How the hell are we surviving through all this?" wondered Melanie.
"See?" said Eddy. "This baby runs like a dream!"
However, that brief celebration was interrupted by the sound of Italian Spiderman's body slamming into the cockpit.
"I'm back, bitches!"
Weiss was about to ask how Italian Spiderman had managed to cross half the width of the universe so quickly, but then she remembered that he was Italian fucking Spiderman.
Although the collision initially slowed the ship down, it had managed to quickly regain the momentum it had lost. Italian Spiderman then propelled himself backward until he was stationary relative to the ship's frame of reference, his ten-foot-long dick in full plain view.
Yang stepped towards the front of the ship, and then looked out the window towards Shrek. "You think I should help?"
"Nah, we'll be…"
"Feel my ogre wrath!"
Nora then swerved on her golden craft and attempted to drive Ea through Italian Spiderman, but once it made contact with his fully erect penis, it shattered instantly.
"What? How is that possible? That was supposed to be Gilgamesh's sacred ancestral sword which is the most powerful sword in the entire universe! How the fuck did it break?"
"I guess it wasn't quite hard enough."
As Italian Spiderman attempted to drive his penis through Nora's side, Shrek intercepted his attack, blocking it with his left forearm.
"Oh yeah?" said Shrek. "Well two can play at that game!"
Shrek then lowered his pants and whipped out his twenty-four-foot-long, seven-inch-diameter, fully eshrekt, ogre-sized penis.
"Holy shit that is big!" Roman remarked.
Italian Spiderman tried to teleport in to touch Shrek with his erect penis, but he could not overcome Shrek's immense reach. Each time their dicks made contact with each other, Italian Spiderman yelped out in pain, for his penis was nowhere near as hard as Shrek's ogre-sized cock.
He then warped away and said, "Fuck it, looks like I'm gonna have to use my ultimate technique!"
As Italian Spiderman began to lift up his shirt, Adam looked on in horror. "No… It can't be…"
Although Shrek tried to sweep in and stop him, not even he could prevent the terror that was to be unleashed.
Italian Spiderman began to do the Truffle Shuffle.
As the near naked superhero performed his arcane dance, the whole ship shook with unimaginable seismic fury. Almost everyone tried to shield their eyes from the unspeakable horror that was unleashed, but no one could cleanse the nefarious image from their minds.
"Ewww! Ewwww!" Ruby cried out.
"I think I'm gonna hurl," said Miltia.
"That is quite frankly the most disturbing thing that I have ever seen," Blake said flatly.
Whole cardboard sections of the ship began to collapse in on themselves, and almost everyone had been consumed by a fit of absolute panic.
"Eddy!" cried out Double-D. "The hull integrity has been compromised! We need to evacuate or we're all gonna die!"
"Relax," said Eddy. "This ship can handle it."
"How on earth do you expect this thing to hold when we made it in a cave with a box of scraps?"
"I wanna go home!" cried Ed.
As the chaos unfolded around him, Roman could only look on in abject horror as Italian Spiderman's mystic dance enthralled him.
However, after a few seconds had passed, Shrek had managed to close the distance, whereupon he then sliced Italian Spiderman in half with his hard ogre penis, sending his body flying far out into the distant cosmos.
"Well, that takes care of him then."
Shrek then put his pants back on and turned around to face the others.
"Let's finish this once and for all!"
Now that everyone had been freed from Italian Spiderman's bizarre spell, the spaceship continued on its course, growing ever closer to Winter and her Stand.
"H-how the hell did you survive that?" Winter's voice echoed throughout the universe.
"I eat six bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast every morning!" Ed exclaimed.
"Before anyone says anything," said Adam, "nobody quote that fucking Kamina guy, alright?"
"You have some beef against him?" Yang asked.
"Just… don't."
Ruby shrugged and then moved to the front of the ship, "We're a lot tougher than we look, Fairy Godmother!"
As several resounding cries of "Yeah!" echoed across the ship, all of Chakravartin's arms spread out in mimicry of Winter's motions.
"Ugh!" echoed Winter's voice through her all-powerful deity. "Why won't you just die already?"
All of Chakravartin's glowing arms were then flung down, and over two septillion celestial bodies came flying towards the ship and its crew.
Yang then ran up to one of the side windows. "Nora, let me in on some of the action!"
"Sure thing!"
Nora then let her golden glider slide up to the side of the ship. When Yang jumped out an took the helm, Nora backflipped off, entered into her Super Saiyan form and began firing energy blasts and the incoming shower of celestial bodies.
"I'm helping too!" Ruby said as she ineffectually shot some of the planetoids with her sniper-scythe.
As Roman made deft maneuvers to dodge everything and Weiss stepped forward to block some of the smaller asteroids with her glyphs, Yang zipped around on her new craft and punched at the incoming projectiles with her now deployed Stand.
Although the ship had managed to dodge most of the initial projectiles, some of the planetoids and stars were spiraling into much greater masses, until some of them began to form enormous black holes.
Most of them were too far away to make any significant impact, but even with Roman's expert piloting skills, one of them began to loom close.
"Shit!" said Roman. "I can't fucking turn for some reason!"
"We're all gonna die!" screamed Double-D.
"No need to worry yourselves over nothing," Shrek reassured.
As panic began to slowly set in once more, Shrek then zipped forward a billion light years ahead to where the black hole was and then grabbed it with his powerful ogre hands. Without breaking a sweat, Shrek spun around like a bladed top, and then hurled the black hole towards Chakravartin like an Olympic shot put player.
"He isn't called the Ogrelord for no reason," said Ozpin.
Throughout all the chaos Weiss had almost forgotten that Professor Ozpin was still there, seeing how rarely he spoke. She didn't understand why he, Adam, Blake, or the Malachite sisters didn't contribute much to the fight, but then again, she wasn't sure whether they would make much of a difference, judging by Ruby's performance.
Seconds later, the black hole Shrek had thrown landed right into Winter's giant Stand, creating a sizable hole in his shining body.
"No…" Winter cried out.
"It's all ogre for you," said Shrek.
Shrek zipped across the cosmos to collect the black holes Winter's deity had thrown, and then launched them right back at him using his immense ogre strength. With every blow that landed, Chakravartin's divine body began to crack further and further.
"HOW DO YOU CONTINUE TO DEFY ME? ERAAAAGHHHHH!"
Now that the group was only 20,000 quadrillion light years away, Winter then threw her great Katamari ball towards the ship.
"Dear god," said Adam.
During the time that the Ed boys' ship had traveled across the universe, the Fairy Godmother's giant ball had grown to encompass a radius of over nine thousand galaxies, densely packed to the core. Although Nora attempted to pepper it with her super-powered energy bolts, they seemed to have no overall effect on the ball's momentum. Even Shrek seemed reluctant to approach it, considering how much greater in size it was than any black hole he had encountered thus far.
"Wow," said Roman. "Where the hell is Charles Barkley when you need him?"
It was true. Nothing short of a Chaos Dunk could take down a motherfucker of this size and magnitude.
Yet, as hopeless as it seemed, Weiss stepped forward to the helm.
"Let me try something."
Using the lessons that Gandhi had taught her, Weiss closed her eyes brought both her hands forth. She concentrated all her might and willpower into the giant ball ahead, using the power of The Force to push it right back.
At first, the massive sphere did not seem to budge, but with the help of Weiss's newfound ogre strength, slowly and surely it began to decelerate.
"The old man taught you well," said Adam.
After about a minute or two, the ball came to a complete stop, and then began to drift back towards Chakravartin.
"BAKA!" screamed Winter. "Quit interfering with my plans you stupid, idiot sister!"
"Wow, Winter," said Weiss as she awoke from her trance, "you've really lost it."
Weiss couldn't imagine how this was the same person who had regularly chastised her during childhood. As prone to petty grudges as she was, Winter usually maintained a calm, if stringent, composure.
"Yeah," said Yang, "all that power's really gotten into your head."
"Quiet you!"
Winter then blasted the super-sized ball with her magic wand, splintering it into a trillion pieces. Once the ship had passed the wreckage, Winter was now visible in plain sight, even if she was only a tiny speck at this distance.
"Get ready guys," said Shrek as he drifted close to the ship.
"You may have made it this far," said the Fairy Godmother, "but this will be the end for you!"
As Chakravartin swung his arms at the ship, Winter swept her magic wand and summoned an array of flak frigates. Furthermore, she dove deep into her Stand's belly as if plunging into a pool of honey.
Shrek approached the great god and spoke. "You think your pretty-boy Prince Charming will save you? I've fought more puny Rumplestiltskins that are tougher than you are! I have slain dragon armies by the thousands of billions, and if you think you are safe in the highest window of the tallest tower, think again! Your time is ogre! Repent Fairy Godmother, or bear witness to the unholy fury of our Great Shrekoning!"
Professor Ozpin pressed up his glasses and looked onward. "It begins."
Nora Valkyrie, Yang Xiao Long, Ruby Rose, Professor Ozpin, and Shrek all rushed forth to take Chakravartin head on. The ship then made a sudden swerve, just barely missing Chakravartin's gigantic body. Blake ran up to one of the side windows and then anchored Gambol Shroud into the god's skin, dragging into it as the ship circled round.
"Get on!"
At Blake's cue, both Adam and Weiss then leaped onto Blake's narrow ribbon and then used it to glide down onto the god's belly. Although it was much too big for their weapons to have much effect, Weiss ran toward where she last saw Winter, dodging Nora's Super Saiyan bolts.
"How long do you think it will take?" asked Adam.
"No idea."
With each second that passed, Chakravartin's skin crumbled and cracked due to the combined assault from Weiss's allies. As much as the deity's arms and Winter's escort ships tried to bring them down, their attacks did not seem to have much effect.
The divine glow from Winter's giant Stand began to fade, and soon Weiss saw Winter lurking deep down in Chakravartin's body, shielded by a thin spherical barrier as she conjured up a portal to some unknown dimension. Even though her Stand had been taking significant damage, Winter seemed largely unharmed.
When Winter saw Weiss, she whipped her magic wand, causing a series of spikes to shoot out from the surface and send both Weiss and Adam flying.
Seconds later, Weiss found herself holding on tightly to Ruby's scythe.
"I've got you, Weiss."
As the heiress waited for her partner to fling her back down, she saw just how extensive the destruction that her friends had wrought really was. Although Nora and Ozpin were doing decent structural damage with their combined ogre strength, most of the cracks seemed to have resulted from Shrek and Yang's rapid punches.
"Ready?" Ruby asked as she began to turn her scythe back.
But just then, several of Chakravartin's arms began to break off.
"No," said Winter's Stand. "How can this… Curse you Fairy Godmother!"
In his final moments, the effects of the Fairy Godmother's love potion were beginning to wear off, and he once more he remembered who he truly was. But it was too late.
"It's all ogre."
Shrek delivered one last punch to Chakravartin, and his whole body disintegrated to dust.
"Wow," said Ruby, watching the spectacle in front of her.
For Weiss, however, there were more important matters.
Now that her deity no longer protected her, Winter was now vulnerable.
"Ruby, now!"
"Right!"
Using the recoil from her Big Dick, Ruby spun round and around, and then threw Weiss straight at Winter and her shield.
"You're dead Winter!"
The Fairy Godmother grit her teeth, made a flick of her magic wand to finish her portal, and then leaped into it, disappearing into a white void.
"She's getting away!" Ruby cried out to the others.
From high up above, Shrek plunged down through the Fairy Godmother's barrier, reached his hands around the portal as it was closing and then held it open.
"Get in!" Shrek called out.
Even though Shrek was by far the strongest individual Weiss had seen, even he was having trouble keeping the portal open, as it was steadily trying to close on its own via the Fairy Godmother's powerful magic.
Weiss quickly conjured up several haste glyphs underneath her, used the power of The Force to propel herself forward, and then jumped into the portal to Winter's demiplane.
However, just a second after Weiss had jumped in, the portal swiftly closed shut, slicing both of Shrek's hands in half.
"ARRGGGHHHHH!" the Ogrelord howled out in pain.
The others had rushed to follow the heiress into the portal as well, but they were far too late. Even with Shrek's immense ogre strength and his dimension-traveling police box, not even he could reach the demiplane Winter had created.
"Weiss…" Ruby cried out.
A/N: Sorry for the late update. This chapter took a lot longer to write up than I expected. I hope it was worth the wait.
Gonna give a shout out to Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, by Tales of Games. The actual title's much longer but I don't feel like typing it out. You should probably check it out if you haven't already, as it's a pretty decent game.
I was considering on including Cinder in the space battle, but I kinda decided not to. I was already losing track of who was on the space ship as is.
Anyway, the next chapter might also take a while to write, depending on how much stuff I have to cover. Be sure to stay tuned!