Chapter 35:

Since centuries ago, and save for the Sun, Chapek-9 had been the guaranteed drop-off for convicted criminals, career dodgers and other careless wastes of society. Had proven a mutual, fitting and somewhat ironic relationship to share with DOOP, better known for its humanitarian conquests & defences over anything else.

This haven for horrible death (how fitting) had been patrolled by a hostile, tribal lot since their origin, hard-coded to hunt down anything that hinted of human. Saved the most special of sanctions for them… Brutal bludgeoning with batons, eviscerating them with patented 'Killamajigs', or blasting them full of holes with gnarly laser guns.

That was to say nothing of the imposing graveyard look it had adopted; monochrome greys, drab greens and pitch blacks for the 'lively' city, after passing skyscraper-sized metal walls, fifty-foot enforcers and heat-seeking cameras.

No wonder galaxies would whisper of their ways, correcting the chosen paths of loved ones young & old. Hell, even for the clones, they were subject to suspicious stares all throughout their search for Bender.

"Geeze, aside from the killings, no wonder tourism sucks here." Mayfield muttered.

"Thomas, shh! Don't give these guys any reason to hate you worse than they already do!" Leela scolded.

Scary suspicions and some damned close calls with sneezing & coughing aside, the infiltration looked to work fine. In fact, even for their millions of calculations, the clones were so convincing that the robots had grown intrigued with the idea! Robots posing as humans to invade Earth… Genius!

On the ship, the crew stared with great fright at each other; on ground, a crowd had gathered around the clones, where one robot in particular questioned why they weren't killing humans already.

And he wasn't kind about it.

"What do you mean?! You've got the perfect disguises; dumb sacks of meat wouldn't even know! Sneak in, take over their lives, and exterminate them once they've outlived their purpose! Seriously, how hard could that be? Are you young ones even built to have ruthless ambition nowadays?"

Leela's clone, though fairly alarmed, took over:

"Listen sir, there's three of us prototypes, and several billion humans. We're good, but come on! Besides, we had been built with only scouting & recon work in mind. Can't grow too ambitious beyond that programming. But I've heard about gaining software upgrades, and rumour has it that you know of a fellow colleague who could upload the… tactical protocols we need. Make us quite merry towards mayhem. Have you spotted him around recently?"

She dug out a picture of Bender, seen assaulting an old lady for her purse, and the robot was far less harsh this time.

"Ahhh, makes sense. Set them up, knock 'em down… Apologies for coming on so strongly. As for Bender, hell, I remember greeting and giving him the understudy position to our Mayor! Ever since mysterious circumstances had him take over, been the best we've ever had! Hatred for humanity so great, he helped improve our existing traps, patented some inventive ones himself, and had us build statues of his greatest exploits, torturing and hurting humans back on Earth."

"Really, now? That sounds simply amazing! Obviously, we could learn a lot from him."

"You sure can't go wrong! And in truth, I reckon he'll be intrigued by you lot. You're likely to find him in his Mayor's Quarters right down the street. He's made quite sure you can't miss that place."

Back on the ship, the human crew hissed around, the worry and concern quite evident.

Open palms to her mouth: "Did he… Did he just say?"

Rubbing the back of his skull: "Yeah, think he did, Bender's now Mayor."

The Captain cradling her face: "Say what? Oh lord…"

Needless to say, this first surprise made the rescue attempt no longer a simple snatch-and-grab. Now it had blown out to a gold heist at Fort Knox. Forget the fact that the residence would be heavily guarded with even more suspicious robots…

Surely, becoming Mayor meant that Bender had fallen DEEP into the rabbit hole of his human hatred. Then there was the assumed wealth, fame & recognition he had craved his entire life, most certainly achieved by now.

"So now what do we do?" Amy worried. "If we try to remove him, we'll only cause a ruckus."

"Yeah, we do seem kind of boned, to tell the truth." Leela nodded. "Why the hell would he come back to our crummy planet when all his dreams have come true here?"

Mayfield gave a derisive snort. "I'd sooner have nothing on Earth than have it all here… This planet can absolutely get fucked."

With slow nods to each other, they controlled their clones to approach the Mayor's Quarters; sure enough, it was the sunshine in skies of grey.

Well, the Mayor himself would have you believe. Truth was, it was a gaudy, giant wreck. Badges & motivational posters, all bearing his likeness, covering every floor of the building...

Mayfield never knew anyone who had such a tastelessly high opinion of themselves… Maybe Zapp, but he'd admit that to being a stretch.

About an hour before the hunt, the clones entered, greeting the guards on the way in. Looking like humans and giving rather inconsistent answers, they were rightly unsure of their intentions. Warning that all eyes would be on them, they eventually allowed them in, before making to contact Bender.

The foghorn-grey figurehead was busy smoking a fancy cigar, sampling a fine whiskey, and flexing his vocal resonance circuits with as much mirth and noise as he could muster. With feet on the desk, arms behind his head, and his eyes shut, he had proven more of a lout than a lord.

Did he yearn for his lost best friends? Did he weep for his once wicked ways? Did he even beg to return home?

Seemed that after his next words, it was an emphatic 'FALSE' to all three statements.

"Bender is great! Bender is great! Bender, Bender, Bender, Bender is great!"

Matter of fact, he gave hardly a damn about anything, or planned to before his in-house phone began clattering. Answering the call, grumbling that his vain vocalising had been cut short, he made his disinterest as clear and plain as he could.

"Can't you morons understand that you're not allowed to ring during my private reflection period? What is it now?"

"My apologies Sir, but we have these three robots who wished to see you about expanding their roles. Can't say I've seen them before, but apparently, they're a new line of infiltrators, working for the Anti-Human Patrol. Wanted to begin killing humans, and hoped to learn from the very best who did it."

"Fine, send them in! I guess the young bolts must learn about the legend of me, Bender."

Hanging up, he made a quick note:

"Let me see here: Re-write school curriculum to include mandatory book "The Legends of Bender."

The moment the three 'robots' walked in, you could immediately feel the air turn red hot, the tension threatening to crack the walls open. The reunion was, safe to say, hardly cordial, as Leela, Amy and Bender took turns glaring the grimmest of death at each other. Mayfield just stood there, looking the useless fourth wheel for now.

"Excuse me, guards?"

The crew looked at each other, worried, before he made his demands clear:

"Cancel all my appointments, and leave me in peace… I'm having an impromptu family reunion."

Happiness of his role aside, he'd been stewing on a broth of resentment & abandonment, his hardly-budging glare while hanging up now staring down the cooks responsible for the meal. Even the waiter who served it, standing by their side.

Amy, and especially Leela, had ground their teeth on the fact that his selfish cowardice and desertion had proven quite responsible for their entire mess in the first place. A junker bot named Judas, rather than their best friend named Bender.

Something had to give, and it was Bender's rather pointed greeting:

"Of everyone I could think of to come see me, it's the ones who deserve to bite my shiny metal ass the most!"

"Good to see you too, Bender." Leela curtly snapped. "Living the high life, I see, off the blood of your best friends… Ditch us, dump us, disappear then drive us away, after we've searched the entire quadrant for you."

"What blood & best friends, jerkbag? You think I'd remain by your side after you cruelly left me, Bender, as a broke, hopeless and desperate bot out for remembrance? Well look at me now 'boss', true as I sit in this chair, I'm the greatest Mayor to ever bless this planet!"

"Correction, 'Your Highness'. You ran away, while I got knocked out, and Fry got taken hostage! How dare you say otherwise, you self-serving circuit box! Not even a note, a letter, or anything on Earth... Think we just abandoned you? We took the express lane to hell, for over a year, just to find some leads! And I'll be damned if I let you accuse…"

"SHUT UP, I can see what's happening! You know damn sure that you moved on from me, Bender, without so much as a thought! What's worse, you replaced my metallic magnificence with this moronic meatbag!"

"Excuse me Bender, moronic though I may be…" Mayfield began.

"That's MAYOR RODRIGUEZ to you, cue ball!" Bender's glare had turned ice-cold.

"Oh spare me 'Mayor'. If they hired ME to replace you, clearly you weren't all that great. More mouth than merit, obviously. Besides, to say we abandoned you, like these ladies have pointed out, is a complete lie. We're here, and hoping, to take you back."

"Dream on, skin tube, like hell I'm going back! By the way, you read my Ten Commandments boy? One: 'Thou shalt only speak saintly of me, Bender!' So watch your mouth, for my word is law."

"I got your number one commandment, pal! Besides, didn't follow them all back home, won't do the same now. Send me down to hell, for all I care, but remember the hell I've faced just to find a robot I've barely known… and now fast growing to dislike."

"You expect me to be impressed? My self-importance circuits dictate that you should've died horribly for my amusement instead!"

"How kind & noble of you…" Mayfield had grown caustic, ready to melt metal. "Think I'm here for your entertainment? Think again, for I've done enough dying & hurting for one lifetime. And like it or not, your connection to the past lies with us. I'm sure this place is, er, wonderful, but surely there's things you miss back on Earth… Back with your true friends."

"What could I possibly miss on Earth that I don't have here, you pathetic idiot? I've been richest robot nearly two years running, I'm recognised the world over, I have a lovely wife by my side… You can't offer me anything to go back to that dirtball!"

"Wait a minute… WIFE?!" Leela stumbled. "Did you finally marry the Crushinator or something?"

"Ah, she was a good fling, I'll admit, but along came a better lady-bot, especially once I gave her my special brand of re-programming... Not that you fleshy meatbags would know! Now are you gonna continue wasting my time or what?"

"I don't know, give us a few moments, and we'll get back to ya, okay?" Mayfield cheeked.

Rolling his eyes in annoyance, the Mayor began tapping his feet. More than eager to return to his smoking, drinking, lazing ways, the pains in the ass that were his former crew were stopping him cold.

The crew whispered for quite a time, until coming to what would hopefully be their most brilliant idea. Was obvious, one eye or two, that he had it all. Achieved all and sundry, with a relatively honest life. But the ladies knew him better, and Mayfield had ideas on the prompts.

Bring out the stories, glorify his history, and play on his obvious self-interest. Right before harshly forgetting that he even existed. Remind him of all the flavours of Earth, against the one-note life on Chapek-9. The things he idolised, remembered and lived for… Done properly, he'd be wrapped around their finger.

Mayfield began the reminiscing, by first shrugging his shoulder:

"Well guys, guess we're kind of screwed here. I mean, WE personally, I don't think we can offer 'His Highness' anything to return. The planet itself, however, ooh I dare to imagine… Ladies, care to give the tour?"

"Oh yeah, planet Earth?" Leela pondered. "How could I ever forget? The amazing booze to drink, the suckers to steal from, the shows on TV, and Gods know what else! Seems almost a shame, for sure, to sit here and do the same thing, day in and day out, like tedious clockwork."

"And don't forget all the ladies and lady-bots, looking and lusting for love!" Amy added.

"Your most honourable worshipful distinguished Majesty, do me a great privilege… Is it true that back in the glory days, you could make the worst human alcoholic look like a sobriety success story?" Mayfield questioned.

"Gonna have to suck up better than that, flesh pile! Don't have these bottles just for display; that's exactly how I'm SUPPOSED to live! That said, I do toast to my beverage brilliance quite often, even put the booze in 'bam-booze-le'. Used to scull kegs in seconds' flat, work a dozen bottles of whiskey without worry, and chug enough beer for a thousand people in one go… Yep, fond memories all!"

"Ahhh, fond memories for me too, if I may reminisce in your presence." Leela inclined. "Say Amy, didn't we have a robot friend who did nothing but sit on their lazy ass all day and drink Olde Fortran, watching TV? Believe he loved his Cooking with Elzar, Scary Door and, who could forget, All My Circuits... In fact, not to belabour his love for booze, but even helped him with Fry to brew his own beer, lovely little ale if I recall. Something-brau… What was the name again?"

"Yeah, wasn't it Lifter or Pusher?" Amy guessed.

"No, no, that can't be right. Good tries though!"

Bender had shifted in his seat, showing subtle signs of distress. Did miss those, no question, but they tried this trick once on Osiris-4, back when he truly believed he was worth nothing. In fact, to desecrate his memories was his ultimate weakness back then.

They wouldn't crack him this time... Not if he could help it.

Mayfield continued. "Most worthy credit is due, your blessed grace, for hitting the big time doing somehow honest work… And yet, didn't you once live for your legendary larceny? Take on tales, tiny & tall, of thievery? Capture the hearts & heads of humans everywhere with your horrible crimes?

"Do I have to skin you alive to show you how to suck up?! Anyway, without a doubt. I could steal a purse or two, rig some card games and unleash an infamous assault all before break-fast. Why, even though I've been rather rusty, I could reminisce all year about the crimes great and small that I've proudly placed on my rap sheet."

Leela clapped her head in realisation. "Oh yeah, of course! I remember a robot like that, one who turned crime into an art form. Had it down so cold, in fact, they could've been the Picasso of pickpockets, the Beethoven of bank robbers, the van Gogh of vandalism and the Monet of mass mayhem. Cared not for their victim, or for the reason, they just cared to hone and master their craft. Hell, didn't win that heroic Dirty Double Cross for nothing! Name sadly still slips my mind, though…"

"Hang on, think I've got it! Began with a B, ended with R… Oh, it's Blender isn't it?! Named 'cause he blended in the shadows?" Amy excitedly concluded.

"Mmm, no. Damn it, I'm sure his name will come to me!"

True to their plan, Bender had been humidifying and heating up in a silent rage. Another of his fondest sets of pastimes & accomplishments, vandalised and scrubbed away before his eyes.

"If it pleases thee, Mayor Rodriguez, your stories & legends do me a great honour to hear. Not only a criminal mastermind of no higher order ever known, but such a deviously magnificent bastard as well. All the businesses, all the side hustles, all the con jobs… Never shy of a scheme, nor short of a scam. Must give some great pride, huh?"

"Of course I prided myself, damn you! All the 'accidental' murders, the tricks with my betrayal, those 'honest' businesses... All those took time and effort, and though I thumbed through my cash or criminal rap sheet unbothered, inside I glowed with the fact that I could fool all those gullible morons so easily!"

"Quite the entrepreneur, our friend was." Leela thought. "Never a more on-the-ball, on-pulse opportunist we'd ever meet. Always had a service, or somebody, to screw over others with; on-site dating, orphans, hustling as a pimp… Hell, even busted out my eco-feminist group after sticking them in jail, all to stretch & sweeten that parsec-long rap sheet of theirs… Yet, I'm damned if I know where they disappeared to."

"I concur, Captain." Amy groaned. "Such a shame really, and to think he wore a nice vanity plate to emphasise the fact."

"If I weren't a dignified Mayor, I'd be singing my name while wringing your neck right now!"

Almost apoplectic, Bender had been gritting and grinding his gears in hearing such insults to his name, to his memory. Getting the obvious bending out of the way, they had laid shot after shot into every overblown, or obvious, event of greatness. His greatest hits & hijinks, zapped from memory before everyone's eyes.

The day he became Iron Chef, roasting Elzar in an unexpected upset? Poof, turned to dust!

Leading an Army of the Damned, from sacrificing his first-born son, to literally take over a personification of Heaven? Vanished, like magic!

Stealing everything across time & space, courtesy of Fry's time code? Vaporised, like laser beams!

Soon he found himself whacking his metallic head, going "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" as one by one, every memory minor or major was 'wiped' from his old crew's collective heads. In one life, he had nothing but his virtually limitless ambition and everything for the taking. In this life, everything was his to enjoy, but nothing, aside from his arbitrary title, to help him stand out.

Such an empty, lonely life he never knew he had… Murdered to get himself here, yet had truly remained nobody special.

For the only humans he might've cared about, that he could've loved deep down… They were legitimately casting him aside. But if he thought he was getting off the hook anytime soon, they were only saving the hardest hit for last.

Mayfield's lip curled into a sneer. "But most of all, Mayor, and I don't mean to question your rule, but this is rather, how do I put it, small bolts compared to what you had? Seriously, weren't you the Pharaoh of an entire Egyptian-style planet at one point?"

Leela grinned, glad that Mayfield hit on that… His sorest point of all.

"You're God-damned right I was!" Bender roared. "Once I took over, with such an ingenious plan, I had them build a statue of me that could be seen from anywhere in the entire galaxy! My ultimate quest, to be remembered for all eternity... My glorious self, literally having the planet under my feet!"

Leela's smile grew evil: "Of course, absolutely! Copped untold lashings, carted them everywhere, caught lots of people to die under their merciless tyranny… No greater dictator I've ever known. Even to this day, his statue's words ring in my head…" She put on a fake, deep voice. "Remember me! 'Remember me!"

Bender, all seven deadly sins of his on full display, looked about ready to rip his quarters apart.

"Well, we did, right until we had it blown to absolute pieces to escape. One problem that's always crossed my mind though… Remember who, exactly?"

The entire crew smirked at each other, before quickly ducking with a gasp. Bender had forcefully hurled his half-drunk bottle of pricey whiskey against the wall, narrowly missing Mayfield's head. While bits of glass rained & tinkled upon them, he had stood up, rolled back his metal sleeves and started staring at them with nuclear-sized evil intent.

"That's… it. Understand this, you filthy bastards. You're all pending for a bending, swerving for a curving, and booking for a crooking right now! What the hell gave you ANY right to just waltz into my private quarters, under the guise of 'lessons', only to lecture ME, BENDER, on what it means to live life?! Hear me speak, and remember these words… You have one chance to leave of your own accord, or I'll have my guards bring your exact weight in SCREWS!"

Mayfield got to his knee, in mock deference: "You're right, Mayor Rodriguez. Here we've been waxing words about a once dear friend of ours when we've been in YOUR particular presence the whole time. We apologise, and humbly beg for your forgiveness. Before our horrible fates happen though, do us a little favour, okay?"

"You've already used up every last one of your favours, porkpie, now scram!"

"Just saying, if you do happen to come across Bender, y'know, the REAL Bender of Planet Express, please let him know that Fry's still alive, that he has forgiven him for running, and that we could use his help, if not friendship?"

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute… What'd you say there cue-ball?"

"I said, so long and thanks for the talk, we've appreciated your time."

"Slow down, you can leave when I've said so… So what's this about Fry?"

"Did you already forget our last minute? Leave of your own accord, right?"

"Scratch that, you smart-ass! Instead, prove it to me, you shiny-headed sack of screws, that you're not full of crap!"

"Speak for yourself about craziness, huh? It's like everyone doesn't believe my weird journey or something… Anyway, which evidence were you after? Reliable witnesses, video evidence, personal exhibits? You've been in enough courtrooms to decide! Hell, that video Fry sent us… How he even mentioned you in passing. Want to ask Leela in case you don't believe me?"

Bender grew silent as he mulled over his options.

"Now, consider your choices, pal. Either accept that you fucked up, and take this one & only chance at redemption and return, or just remain here in denial, knowing that your only friends' last, true memories of you were leaving them for dead… All to save your own shiny, sorry ass."

While Bender began brushing his chin, bludgeoned by the vicious vocal backlash, a communication ping had begun sounding on Leela's wrist device, a new one bought especially for this occasion.

"You have one new message. New message, 4:55 pm."

What sounded like a D-grade Tarzan impersonator came over the line; while Mayfield was confused, the crew were horrified... It was none other than Zapp Brannigan, Captain of the Nimbus and Twenty-Five Star General of DOOP.

All that letter opening, all those gift boxes, all the whiny pleading to just keep one… Turned out to contain an insidious location tracker. Now, in complete defiance of DOOP negotiations and defence protocols, he was now preparing himself to deploy soldiers in order to attack his allies and liberate his 'love'.

"Ohhhhh, hell no…" Leela shuddered.

"Oh Leela, my perky petite princess! I come by victory yodel to rescue you from this forsaken planet! Come with me so we may shutdown these robots, shut up our mouths, and shut off our lights!"

"I take it we're not in for any good news, anyone?" Amy groaned, gritting her teeth.

"Oh Lord help us… General George of the Bungle has just landed, blown our cover and now the robots are gathering outside for an attack!"

Mayfield went from confused to contemptibly cheesed off:

"Damn that stupid son-of-a-bitch, swear if I get my hands on him... Well Mayor Rodriguez, we really have to make tracks, so be quick about your choice bud! Join us as Bender, or never again as a distant, regrettable memory."

The thick wooden double doors creaked and groaned, threatening to burst apart. Those mooks weren't just on the way, they were here and ready to put some saboteurs down.

"Alright damn it, fine, I'll come along! Was getting sick of serving these stupid things, anyway."

A Mexican saying, a shout to Bender's heritage, that Mayfield once experienced was from an old El Paso commercial… Little girl, now a long-forgotten memory, going "Por que no los dos?" as they warred over soft & hard tacos.

Translation: "Why don't we have both?"

He couldn't realise that, at first, this would've been Bender's primary reply to his offer. A reply that, in the face of some seriously lethal former guards, was about to put him, his crew, and his own self, in great danger.