"I'm sorry," Beca murmurs softly, brows furrowed inward as she moves through the kitchen.
After their conversation in the living room had begun to wind down, Chloe had practically begged for a shower, and even if Aubrey would have been perfectly happy to keep the redhead buried in her arms, Aubrey understands the sort of grimy feeling that travelling leaves behind. With that in mind, Aubrey had forced away the little sulk that had tried to take over, and, instead, she'd only smiled at Chloe, soft and tender, before pressing a kiss into the redhead's cheek and lightly pushing her in the direction of the bedroom.
On her way there, Chloe had thrown a pathetically wide pair of always-sparkling eyes in Beca's direction, her lower lip just subtly pouting outward, and Chloe had whispered probably the sweetest, most pleadingly manipulative request Aubrey's ever even heard, imploring Beca to make another batch of pancakes, 'pretty please.'
Part of Aubrey wants to roll her eyes at Beca's swift and easy concession, but she can't actually bring herself to do it.
Instead, Aubrey had glared at Chloe on the Vampire Queen's behalf, because Beca might not have realized how skillfully she'd just been played, but Aubrey certainly had; the blonde has been played the very same way more times than she would care to count, even if she could, and those big, ocean blue eyes suck Aubrey in every aca-loving time. It's only made worse by the fact that Chloe knows it, and still shamelessly abuses the expression with no regard for Aubrey's pride at all.
Chloe doesn't even seem to register the glare, though – which isn't actually that much of a surprise, for the blonde – and the redhead only blows Aubrey a quick kiss and tosses a wink her way before she disappears into their bedroom for something to wear.
The blonde had followed Beca to the kitchen to keep her company, and Emily had, too, but the younger brunette doesn't stay.
Emily has been alternately pressing herself into Beca's side and shying away all over again ever since she'd arrived back at the apartment, and Aubrey thinks it's only partly to give the three of them some time together; mostly, Aubrey is pretty sure that Emily is still feeling a little off, and the blonde is happy to allow their youngest Bella a little bit of space, if that's what she needs.
"Why?" Aubrey frowns. "What are you sorry for, Beca?"
"Earlier," Beca rustles her shoulders uncomfortably in a sort of half-shrug, her fingers stilling over the gallon of milk she'd just pulled out from the fridge. "When we were talking about Emily," Beca explains, setting the plastic gallon on the counter and turning to rest her hips against it, lifting shamed, apologetic eyes to meet with Aubrey's green. "I didn't mean to ignore you, or what you said. It- I can't help it, sometimes, you know?" Beca closes her eyes, just briefly, and breathes in something slow and deep before she opens them again. "Emily is my sired; I feel it, when she's sad, and it overwhelms basically everything else, no matter what it is.
"I didn't to mean to just- ignore it, though," Beca sighs in frustration and pauses, just for a moment, curling her fingers through her hair, and Aubrey watches as her thumb and forefinger hook contemplatively around one of the small hoops wound through the cartilage of her ear. "You should know, though, that you're wrong," Beca tells her after a moment, solemn, and sure.
Aubrey isn't sure that she wants to talk about this; in fact, the blonde had sort of enjoyed the lack of acknowledgment, earlier, because discussing her insecurities isn't something that Aubrey feels a particularly strong desire to do, very often.
Or ever, for that matter.
Aubrey had initially protested for Emily's benefit, but, frankly, Aubrey doesn't have very much else to say about the subject.
"Beca–"
"No," Beca frowns and shakes her head, stepping forward to clasp Aubrey's hands in her own, resting them over the countertop between them and tracing small, slim fingers along the lines of Aubrey's palms. "You're wrong, Aubrey. You think that you're a negative influence on Emily because of the way that you see yourself, but that's not- that's not the way that I see you, and I think that you should know that.
"You think that you're strange because you react to stress more strongly than others do, but to me that just makes you more human," Beca breathes devotedly, and taps her fingers to some unknown beat across Aubrey's hands. "You worry because you're afraid; afraid of disappointing the people who mean something to you, afraid of failure, afraid of being perceived the wrong way. You're afraid, Aubrey, and that's just- human. That's all it is. It's- it's pure humanity; it's the part of humankind that's so strong and deep and everlasting that it stays with Vampires even after their Turning.
"We react to everything differently, once we're turned, but the emotion… That lingers. It's the same, and in our hearts, it feels the same, forever," Beca explains slowly, and firmly. "We worry, too, Aubrey. We worry, and we fear, and we love and hurt and grieve, just like you. You just- internalize it more than most. You try to make emotion rational when it isn't, but that isn't a bad thing," Beca frowns and shakes her head. "Trying to understand the things that don't make sense is how the human race survives. That's how they've always survived – and I would know," Beca twists her mouth into a wry sort of smile, and Aubrey laughs quietly in reply, but she's mostly just afraid to interrupt, because if she does, then Beca might stop, and Aubrey needs to hear the rest.
"The way that you manage your fear, and work through it, is the most human thing I've ever known, Aubrey. You just keep going; no matter what frightens you, your determination and your pride and your heart keep you going, and that is nothing short of incredible. Maybe you can't see that, and maybe you never will, but I do see it. It's all I ever see, every time I look at you.
"Chloe cares- fathomlessly," Beca tips her head downward and chuckles softly, then shrugs. "She cares openly, and surely, and without much thought, I think, and it's one of the most innocently beautiful things in the world to witness, and to feel – but the depth of your heart matches hers, Aubrey; I know it does. I've seen it. I've felt it, and, Aubrey, it is magnificent.
"I get that one conversation isn't going to change your perception of yourself, Posen, and that's okay – I won't push it. But you should know…" Beca whispers, freeing one of her hands from Aubrey's only to sigh, and curl her fingers possessively around the base of Aubrey's neck, and a huff of breath whooshes out from the blonde's lungs like Beca's actually, literally stolen it away from her. "Oh, Aubrey," Beca sighs out tenderly – soft and quiet and curiously reverent – until Aubrey shakes all over, and can focus on nothing outside of the loving shimmer of Beca's steel blue eyes, and the gentle caress of her fingers across the pulse in Aubrey's throat. "You should know that I think you are made of some of the finest things that humanity has to offer, and if Emily adapts every single one of her human traits from you, my only disappointment would be that there is none of Chloe in her, too."
Aubrey's heart throbs something close to painful against her ribs, and her eyes feel wet and probably red, and none of it is exactly a shock, but- that doesn't actually seem to make a difference.
"You can't just- say things like that, Beca," Aubrey blusters swiftly, and moves her hands from Beca's to swipe frantically against her eyes. "You can't just make me- feel like this all the time. It isn't fair," she laughs incredulously, and drops her chin into the cradle her palms, smiling gratefully and fondly and disbelievingly at the Vampire Queen across from her. "It's not fair that you can do this to us," she tells Beca again, soft, and a little playful.
"Do you honestly believe that you don't make me feel it, too, Posen?" Beca whispers in reply, with a shy, precious little smile that makes Aubrey want to press her mouth into it, just to know what it tastes like – but Beca is hers, now, Aubrey remembers promptly, which essentially means that Aubrey can kiss this sweet, beautiful girl any time she likes.
In reply to that thought, the Bellas' captain reaches over the top of the counter and winds her fingers around the collar of Beca's jacket, gently tugging the Vampire Queen downward, just enough for Aubrey to hook her ankles around the legs of bar stool she's sitting on and lean upward to meet Beca's lips with her own.
And that shy, precious little smile tastes like a love that Aubrey thinks she would have waited three thousand years for, too.
Aubrey isn't sure when she'd fallen asleep.
She remembers being exhausted, and she'd considered moving to bed, but Emily and Beca had been so cutely snuggled into the sofa, eyes locked in on some Adult Swim show that Aubrey truthfully can't even stand, and the blonde hadn't wanted to break them apart just to ask Beca to lay with her and Chloe until they slipped into sleep.
Emily's been very sweet and understanding of Aubrey and Chloe's need to spend time with Beca, and Aubrey likes to think that she and Chloe have shown a similar respect for Emily's need to do the same; still, Aubrey's spent too many nights in her bed alone, and, now that Beca and Chloe are home, the blonde has no interest in being in that bed without both of them to join her.
Instead, Aubrey guesses, she'd drifted off on the couch, somehow, trapped between the arm of the sofa and Chloe, who had basically crashed in Aubrey's lap right after dinner, full and sleepy after a giant serving of three, fluffy pancakes, specially made at the redhead's sly request.
There's a kink in Aubrey's neck, and she isn't exactly comfortable, positioned the way that she is, but Aubrey knows that's not what woke her.
The blonde arches up a little to see over the back of the couch, distractedly pulling her fingers through pretty red curls until Chloe hums softly and begins to stir. Aubrey doesn't honestly want to wake her, and she wouldn't normally even consider it as an option, knowing how drained Chloe must be from their trip, but- something isn't right.
Behind the couch, Aubrey can see Beca – forehead leaned into the front door as her right hand presses into it, too, stroking idly across the grooves in the wood. The Vampire Queen's shoulders are slouched forward, and, aside from the repetitive motion of her fingers, Beca doesn't move an inch.
Chloe blinks up at Aubrey in sleepy confusion, but, when Aubrey tilts her head toward the door, the redhead eventually sits up and turns to look, too.
"Becs?" Chloe husks softly.
"You're awake," Beca murmurs in answer, slowly shifting to face them and using the door to support her weight by leaning back against it.
"We are now," Aubrey remarks pointedly and frowns.
She doesn't mean to sound accusing, but Aubrey is tired and this is the first decent stretch of sleep she's had since Beca and Chloe had left, in the first place. Besides, she's concerned for Beca, and she isn't interested in making small talk just to figure out what's wrong – because something is wrong, and Aubrey knows it; if Beca's failing posture and defeated tone hadn't been enough to confirm it, the sick, panicked feeling in her gut is enough to make Aubrey feel sure.
Beca winces at Aubrey's words, but nods, anyway, and quietly replies, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"Where's Emily?" Chloe wonders, yawning wide and holding her wrist up to her mouth to cover it, shifting her legs to the floor and patting the now-empty cushion beside her, in a muted request for Beca to join them.
"Luke took her," Beca tells them mutedly, and moves sluggishly to drop into the couch.
"What?" Aubrey straightens instantly. "Why? Shouldn't you be with her, tonight? After being apart all weekend?"
The Vampire Queen clenches her teeth and closes her eyes, but doesn't reply when she opens them up again. Instead, Beca just- watches them.
She watches Aubrey and Chloe with weary, cautious blue eyes that abruptly look every day as old as they are; Beca watches them with fear and love and sadness and shame, before she clasps her fingers together between her knees and looks down at the carpet beneath her shoes.
"I'm sorry," Beca tells them, and roughly clears her throat. "I really, truly am."
"For what?" Chloe shakes her head bemusedly, and reaches out to hold Beca's wrist beneath her fingers.
"I've been- selfish," Beca laughs self-deprecatingly, and the noise gives Aubrey chills, all the way down the length of her spine, and all the way back up again. "I've been so damn selfish," Beca snarls to herself suddenly, and furiously.
"You're probably the least selfish person I've ever even met," Chloe frowns earnestly. "Beca, what is it? What's wrong, sweetie?"
Beca sighs and combs her fingers through her hair, but finally lifts her head again to face them. "I haven't told you everything," she whispers, pained. "About Vampires; about my people," she breathes. "I haven't- I haven't told you everything. I meant to," Beca swears. "Jesus," she hisses violently, "I really meant to, but it's a lot, y'know, and I thought- baby steps," Beca swallows thickly, and pushes herself to her feet, pacing along the carpet in front of them between the couch and the coffee table.
"I meant to take it slow; to ease you in. We're not bad," Beca tells them, and stills her frantic motion instantly, trading a pleading, hopeless look between Aubrey and Chloe that the blonde has no idea how to decipher; all Aubrey knows is that it makes her sad, all over and everywhere. "Most of us," Beca adds on a whisper, before her swift pacing resumes. "Most of us aren't bad, but some of us- don't want this. Some of us never wanted to be exposed to the humans, and it's not many, but it's enough," Beca murmurs quickly, and lowly, and Aubrey thinks primarily that she's probably only talking to herself, at this point, but- that's really never stopped Chloe.
"Enough for what, Beca?" Chloe wonders quietly, eyes soft and following Beca's every movement, like every step she takes is breaking Chloe's heart just a little bit more, and Aubrey can't explain why for the life of her, but she feels the same way, too.
"Enough to make it dangerous," Beca tells them solemnly, and slows, her shoulders sinking inward all over again, and her eyes turning away from them. "Enough to put everyone I care about at risk. Enough to make this," Beca gestures between Aubrey and Chloe on the couch, but still never looks at either one, "the most stupidly selfish thing I've ever done."
"What does that mean?" Aubrey frowns indignantly.
"What the fuck do you think it means, Posen?" Beca growls viciously, eyes flickering from blue to silver as they finally – finally – shift Aubrey's way, and the Vampire Queen takes slow, measured steps forward, until her expression melts; Beca's entire expression just- melts, until the only thing left in it is heartbreak and devastation and guilt.
And Beca ducks her head away all over again, down and to the left.
"I did it," Beca rasps throatily, and shakes her head. "It took lifetimes – so many of your lifetimes," Beca breathes, choked, "but I did it. I brought us together, with the humans, like I promised. Like I always promised. I did it," Beca swears profoundly. "And my Lessa– She would be so proud," Beca whimpers with a forced, strangled laugh, and staggers into the coffee table, before falling on top of it, and Aubrey has never seen Beca so uncoordinated in her life. "She would be so proud of all of us, and I did that, for her," Beca whispers, and holds her head in the palms of her hands, and Aubrey can only stare at her through watery eyes and wonder what the hell had happened; she wonders what could possibly have happened in the last few hours to turn her Beca – her Queen – into this. "And I thought that maybe, after all of that time alone, and after everything that I did to serve the betterment of my kind… I thought that maybe I deserved it," Beca purses her lips and looks up to them, and Aubrey's heart just- shatters, into hundreds of billions of pieces that throb violently throughout every part of her body.
The blonde hadn't even been sure if Vampires could cry, but Beca's timelessly beautiful face is streaked wet with tears, and Aubrey has never seen a sadness so old and consuming and earnestly bared as this one.
Chloe sinks instantly to her knees, moving herself in between Beca's and taking the Vampire Queen's face in her palms, before her mouth kisses along the length of the Vampire Queen's cheeks, tasting the brunette's tears on her mouth. When she's finished, Chloe peers up at Beca through those wide, ocean blue eyes, and Chloe waits.
It's several moments before Beca speaks, but when she does, Aubrey feels one last piece of her heart crumble to join the rest.
"I thought that maybe I deserved this," Beca laughs finally, and it's that same, self-deprecating noise from before, only it's worse. "I thought that maybe I could deserve you," Beca chuckles, but it morphs into a sob, somewhere, and, before Aubrey even registers the thought that carries her there, she abruptly is on the coffee table at Beca's side, pulling the brunette into her arms and pressing her palm softly into the back of Beca's head, encouraging the Vampire Queen to lean on her, for comfort.
"I thought that maybe it was a sign," Beca whispers into Aubrey's neck, and Aubrey rests her cheek over the top of Beca's soft, brown hair. "I thought that maybe this was why I'd never met a potential mate before; that maybe I was meant to finish Lessa's work first, before I could have this sort of closeness to share with someone. I thought that maybe this was it; that maybe I could keep you, even just for a while – just to hold you and to feel you and to love you, with everything that I am. And I would," Beca vows, with more conviction in her words than Aubrey's ever heard in any words before them. "I would love you an eternity, with all of my heart – both of you," Beca swears, and she coils her fingers around the cotton of Aubrey's shirt, like she never wants to let her go; like someone is trying to take Beca away from them, and Aubrey only strains the Vampire Queen's hair between her fingers, because her words are blocked by the emotion swelling in her throat, and Aubrey can't think of any other way to tell Beca that she would never let that happen.
"But it's never safe," Beca says quietly, and swallows all over again. "I should've known better. And I was careful; I swear I was careful," Beca rushes frantically. "I never spoke of you, outside of Luke and Em, and I never mentioned where you live or even that I'd found potentials. I was so careful, with you," Beca tells them honestly. "Even now, I think you could slip away unnoticed. I think they wouldn't ever even know about you," Beca clenches her eyes and inhales, sharp and deep and long, "but they're coming. They're coming, and everyone I care about is at risk, and you– I shouldn't let you stay.
"I am Queen," Beca tells them with a burdened nod, as she shifts to straighten her spine, like the reminder of her title has reminded Beca of everything that she is expected to be, and like she must become it, regardless of the emotion that is so obviously tearing her apart. "I am Queen, and I know better than to let this continue, but I am selfish," Beca reminds them, and she grits her teeth. "I am so selfish, and so tired, and I don't want to be alone, anymore," she whispers painfully.
"I can't send you away," Beca confesses shamefully. "I have waited so, so long for you, and I can't- I can't send you away," Beca shakes her head and shrugs weakly, with a tiny little fragment of a smile that doesn't sit right on Beca's mouth. "The only thing I can think of is to tell you everything," Beca decides, focusing on Chloe in front of her as her hand seeks out Aubrey's own, tangling their fingers together with an inhumanly strong squeeze that Aubrey refuses to remark on, no matter how badly it hurts, "and you can decide for yourselves – stay or go."
And, obviously- stay.
Aubrey doesn't need to hear the rest; she's made her decision already. Nothing Beca tells her could be worse than the scenarios Aubrey's dreamed up all on her own, and even if it is worse, somehow, she and Chloe have only just found Beca; they've only just begun to call her theirs, and Aubrey won't give her up.
The Vampire Queen can't let them go, but- Aubrey can't let her go, either.
Author's Note: Shew. Big things are coming, and we're finally seeing signs of that! Let me know what you think.
Also, to everyone who remarked on my 'funny' feeling from last chapter, thanks for your input. I'd actually had the first half of this chapter typed up when I posted the last one, so I'd always planned to revisit Aubrey's comment, but the chapter still felt weird to me. Whatever. This one's better, I think? Eep. You decide. : )