Hello again lovelies, I'm making all of you the same promise I did on my fanfic I Can't You Can't He Can't She Won't, we'll be finishing things up this summer so get excited! Anyways, it might be a few weeks after this before any more updating because I'm moving to NYC tomorrow and starting an internship Monday. However, do enjoy :)
To my reviewers: QueenBee10, LovelyLydia, wrighthangal, LisaLevine, CarolinaGirl21, LeftWriter224, Alisha Winchester, mcrs, SouthernBelle88, Sw33tHeart21, LitPrincess2787, GGfanficfan09, CB Always, and bekyg620. You guys are so awesome, thanks for reviewing and if I haven't gotten to your reviews I promise I will soon!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rated: Back to T for this chapter.
Thanks as always to my beta Ingrid (ggff-fan) you are basically my favorite person ever.
Chapter 36
Broken Porcelain
Blair looked into the mirror for quite some time debating the merits of wearing a headband or not. It wasn't that she actually cared. She was going through the motions and she knew it. It was just easier to contemplate headbands rather than facing everything else. Placing the red headband amongst her curls she stood fairly certain she'd heard the chime of the elevator - right on time.
Walking down the stairs, Blair's eyes landed on Chuck and she did her best to put on a realistic smile. Today was going to be her first day going back. It had been two weeks since the accident and even though she still felt like she was falling apart 99% of the time, she knew that the real world was still out there waiting.
When his eyes landed on her Chuck pretended that Blair looked the same as she always had. She was still beautiful but there was something entirely new about her appearance that for the time being he would continue not to see. "Good morning. You look beautiful."
"Good morning to you too." Blair spoke reaching the landing and accepting the coat Chuck was holding out. He'd been the perfect guy for the past two weeks, completely infallible in every way. He attended to her every need, was always there when she needed him to be, and they'd even begun to rebuild a little of what they'd lost.
Chuck had come to surprise her but either Blair was even worse off than he thought and his appearance didn't even phase her or she'd been expecting him. Deciding it would be better to wait and see what she told him rather than guessing at which of those was correct Chuck asked a more dangerous question. "So are you ready to go back?"
Blair smiled again, placing a hand on Chuck's shoulder. They didn't touch each other as much as they once did but light touches were becoming more frequent, Chuck usually initiated them but today she needed his support. "You know, I knew you'd be here this morning."
"You did?" Chuck asked with a careful smile. He resisted sighing in relief at the fact that she was unsurprised rather than uncaring.
Blair nodded carefully, every word and movement full of control. "I did. That's why I waited until now to tell you rather than tell you yesterday."
Chuck tilted his head slightly. "Does this have something to do with where you disappeared to yesterday?" Chuck asked carefully.
Blair nodded once more. "It does." After an almost tentative smile she moved her hand down his arm to take his hand in hers. "I'm not going back to the office today."
Chuck's eyes widened, it turned out he was the one who was getting surprised this morning. But even as his eyes widened he took in Blair's outfit for the first time; read headband, white button down tucked into a high waisted black skirt and red pumps. "You're going back to Constance." It was more a statement than a question.
"I am." Blair replied, lacing her fingers through his. She was fairly certain that Chuck wouldn't deny her anything right now but if there was something that could tip him back to crazy this was it. She was talking about her involvement with his father's legacy after all and the fact that she was the CEO was what had sent them into a tailspin to begin with.
Chuck inhaled deeply, prepared to listen to her explanation before he made any decisions on further words or actions. "And the company?" He asked, his voice steady and empathetic.
Squeezing his hand in hers Blair met Chuck's gaze head on. "Is in good hands. Lily is going to be acting on my behalf. She'll involve me in any major decisions but she's going to take over running the day to day things for the next little bit."
Chuck nodded slowly but remained silent, he knew she wasn't finished.
Blair realized that Chuck was reading her and it caused a strange warming in her heart, one she was almost too hardened to notice. She'd missed that though, she'd missed Chuck's infallible ability to read her and her him. "I need to go back to school, I need to be a normal girl again for a while. I'm thinking I'll finish out the year at Constance and then decide from there."
Exhaling, Chuck took her other hand in his bringing both up to his lips. "If that's what you want you have my complete support."
Blair nodded as she withdrew her hands. "Thank you." She spoke softly because she knew that even if it didn't seem that way right now, Chuck's response to her decision was a big deal for both of them.
It wasn't until they arrived at school that Blair's façade began to crumble. She'd been so careful to keep any and all emotion under lock and key but at that moment everything felt like it was just on the edge of breaking through. Her insides felt like they were about to melt into nothing and it was only Chuck's hand on her back and what little resolve she had left that got her to Headmistress Queller's office.
As Chuck waited on Blair to finish talking with Headmistress Queller he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. The feeling was so strong it was almost crippling; it brought him back to the darkest time in his life, when his father had died and Blair was there for him. The grief that began to wash through him at the simple memory made him almost physically ill.
Blair, Blair had been the one to get him through the pain and if her pain was a fraction of what he'd felt back then then he wasn't doing a good enough job of helping her. He was letting her hide her pain and fear, he was letting her shut it off; which was the equivalent of a downward spiral into drugs, booze, and women for him. He swore in that moment to do better, to push her a little harder every day. She'd never heal if she didn't let herself.
He'd take it slow because he knew from experience that it took time, he'd taken a month before he even let Blair be there for him and then it was months again after that before he was okay again. Blair was different, he knew that but he also knew that her behavior was no less dangerous than his had been. He had caused himself physical damage while hers was all psychological. He wasn't going to let her keep hiding forever, she would destroy herself if she did. He wasn't sure how he was going to do it, all he knew was that he was going to help her get through this, help her grieve.
When she came back out of Queller's office she game him a beaming smile, one that made his stomach turn because it almost looked real. He knew she wasn't happy, he knew she wasn't dealing with things and the fact that she was so good at pretending she was made him want to shake her. "So are you back to all of your old classes?" Chuck asked, forcing his voice to be normal.
Blair shrugged. "Mostly. The only one I'm not is French because I already finished all of the course work when I was doing my independent study."
Chuck nodded before reaching down and taking her hand, not sure whether or not it was a good thing that she let him. "So I'll see you in English?" He asked quietly when they reached the door of her first classroom and he spotted Serena already inside.
"You'll see me in English." Blair replied, taking the hand that wasn't holding Chuck's and placing it on the side of his face. Leaning up she placed a soft gentle kiss on his lips, one of the first since the accident. "I'm fine. I promise." She spoke quietly, pulling away.
Chuck was surprised but not fooled, he knew she was far from fine. It had taken him this reminder of his grief over his father to remember what grief really felt like. The act she'd been putting up for him wasn't going to be good enough anymore to keep him passive. But for now at least it was a moot point; there was nothing he could do to help her at school. "Text me if you need me." Chuck spoke, his voice serious.
Blair nodded before turning and disappearing into the classroom and taking her seat next to Serena.
Chuck watched from the doorway for a moment, he'd been unsurprised to realize that Serena already knew she'd be coming back today after all this plan had hinged on Lily agreeing to take over for a while. There was a good chance Serena had been at home when Blair had gone to speak to her. But it still worried Chuck to leave Blair with Serena because while Serena knew about the car accident, she had no idea that Blair had been pregnant.
It had been Blair's decision to keep it quiet. No one had known so there was no reason for anyone to find out. Other than herself, Chuck, and Jack the only person who knew was Lily and that was only so that she would understand why Blair needed time.
To Chuck, it meant that Blair was simply going to keep on pretending that there was nothing wrong. She'd recovered from the car crash and all was well with the world again. Jack was gone and she was with Chuck. The thought of how fake it all was made him feel sick. But she wasn't talking to him about the pain right now and until he could think of a way to help her Chuck knew he had to just go with it.
It was a few weeks before Blair went in to talk to Lily. She'd wanted to acclimate herself back to the environment at Constance and feel comfortable in her old life before concerning herself with the company; but she knew that she needed to do a check up to see how things were going. Blair had fought too hard and lost too much to let something happen to the company now.
Walking towards her old office she noticed that the name on the door was still hers and almost smiled but she'd found that real emotion, even happy ones brought her too close to the brink so rather than smile, she shook it off and continued inside. "Good afternoon Lily." She spoke as she continued towards the desk.
Lily looked up and gave Blair a careful smile. "Good afternoon Blair." She replied, gesturing towards the seat in front of her. She noticed immediately that Blair was covering her grief well, too well and it made her stomach twist. Chuck had come to her with concerns but she'd told him Blair just needed time, now, seeing her, she wasn't so sure. The girl who stood before her was the picture of perfection, too perfect even for Blair Waldorf. The only thing that was off was her eyes, they looked dull and lifeless.
Blair ignored the look Lily was giving her and took a seat focusing on why she was there and forcing herself not to think about the time she'd spent on the other side of the desk or the man who use to frequently occupy her current seat. "So, how are things so far?"
Lily nodded realizing that Blair wasn't going to give her an opening to talk about anything personal, at least not yet. "Well in truth everything has been pretty dull around here lately. Most of the deals are running themselves, though I'm sure Hojimoto is going to want to talk with you soon. Things are going well over there but he'll want an update from our end."
Blair nodded, that was to be expected. Hojimoto trusted her now and she had to keep that relationship strong. "I'll come in on Friday morning and conference him." She spoke before continuing on to the next item on her list. "Now do we have any new prospects?"
Smiling at Blair's natural ability to talk business Lily continued. "We do. I've been looking at a couple of lots, one is in Midtown, the other is in Brooklyn. I know it's risky but I like the looks of the Brooklyn lot, it has potential to be great."
"Is that the one we were looking at few months back? The old Burlington place?" Blair asked, thinking back to the tour of lots she'd gone on with the company back when Chuck was still running things. She remembered the sparkle in Chuck's eyes when he'd seen the Brooklyn space and the wonder with which he'd talked about it later.
Lily nodded. "I believe so. The one near the bridge."
Flipping the next page of her notes Blair scribbled something down quickly. Doing her best not to think about the other times she'd been in this office, the many many hours. "Purchase the lot. It's going to be our next hotel."
Lily's eyebrows rose quickly. "Blair those are still in exploratory phases, both of them. I don't know that we are ready to make any purchases that big yet."
Blair shook her head. "I checked the space out on my own months ago. I had it looked into as a potential purchase by professionals, the foundation is sound, the electricity and pipes will need a reboot but we should be able to keep some of the building's original feel. I was thinking 1920s glamour with a prohibition feel to it. We'll have a speakeasy hidden in back, for exclusive parties and VIP guests only." Blair paused, turning another page of her notepad before tearing it out. "These are the contractors we'll be using and the contact info for the current owner of the property is listed as well. I want to get moving on this project sooner rather than later."
Lily's eyes widened at the thought and preparation that Blair had put into this, realizing then that it wasn't a sudden decision, this was planned. "That's quite inventive Blair." Lily spoke her voice soft as though she were open to whatever Blair might want to say next.
Blair sighed, understanding that Lily understood more than she was saying. "It was a project that Chuck and I were working on a while back. He doesn't know that I pursued it but the day we visited he came home with all of these grand plans and it was like magic the way we planned it out. The ideas bouncing between us as the building took shape before our eyes. I sent over people to look at it and paid a few trips of my own, then the situation with Jack came to a head and there were other things to worry about."
Lily watched the way Blair flinched as she said Jack's name but said nothing, she also noticed a brief sparkle flicker in Blair's eyes as she discussed the plans she and Chuck had for the place. "I'll see to it that the building is purchased. Do you have a name for it yet?"
"Charles Place." Blair said with a smile, one of those real smiles that worried her. She tried to distract herself but everywhere she looked were reminders rather than distractions. Reminders of the days Jack brought her food from her favorite restaurant, reminders of the kiss she and Jack shared when she was so broken, and worst of all reminders of the day she found out she was pregnant.
Lily tried to smile, she loved the idea that Blair was proposing and would see to it that the idea was carried out and she loved that Blair had done this for Chuck but she could see the sadness behind Blair's eyes. She wasn't fooled any longer, Chuck was right, Blair wasn't healing. Sighing, Lily took the glasses sitting on her nose and placed them on the table. "I'm going to tell you something that I expect to stay between the two of us."
Blair crossed her legs, leaning forwards. She didn't know what Lily was about to say though she assumed it was either about the new Hotel or Chuck and she had the utmost respect for confidentiality. "Of course."
Lily nodded before exhaling, this was hard for her but she knew she needed to say it and more than that Blair needed to hear it. "Last July I had a miscarriage." She watched as Blair froze before her but she continued speaking. "It took me a long time to move past it and I still had my other children to be thankful for. Some might say I didn't have any business trying again at my age but I simply saw the baby as a blessing."
Blair's throat was dry as she tried to form words. "Chuck almost had a sibling?" She asked quietly.
"He did." Lily said with a nod before continuing. "I had never felt that pain before, the pain of losing something completely that was once a part of myself and it almost destroyed me. It did destroy my relationship with Bart. Of course he was great at first but the loss ate him up inside and divided us slowly. It hurt to be around each other for a long time and then we didn't know how to act anymore."
Blair nodded sympathetically, in truth this revelation made a lot of other things make more sense. "I'm sorry." Blair spoke her voice still soft. "Why haven't I heard about this from Serena -"
"Serena doesn't know." Lily spoke quietly before pursing her lips with the tiniest frown, as of that moment Blair still wasn't getting it. "I'm telling you this because I want you to know that it's okay to be upset." When Blair began to shake her head Lily tsked. "Blair you don't fool me. I'm the master of using icy composure to guard yourself. You have to let yourself feel it Blair but you can't let it consume you."
Blair looked away, unable to meet Lily's eyes. "I don't want to feel it."
"I know. It hurts Blair and some part of you is always going to hurt but you are young and you have plenty of years to have babies. I know that doesn't mean you love the one you lost any less but you have time and you aren't alone." Lily spoke compassionately.
Blair swallowed tightly. "Sometimes it feels like I am, like I'm the only one who understands what it feels like."
Lily reached across the desk and placed a hand on one of Blair's. "Don't make the mistake I did. I didn't see that Bart had lost what I had lost; Chuck and Jack lost this baby too even if they didn't do so physically and those men love you. Chuck will be there for you if you let him."
"Chuck never wanted me to be pregnant." Blair said with a shake of her head. "He doesn't understand what I've lost, he isn't grieving like I am."
Lily shook her head as well. "You might be surprised. And what about Jack?" She asked, surprising herself with the question as it slipped out.
Blair tried to reinforce the walls blocking her feelings but she could feel them begin to crumble every time Lily spoke. "Jack doesn't care about me anymore; he never did. I was just part of some game to destroy Chuck."
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Which does nothing to explain why the man looks like a zombie. Blair, Jack was the deciding vote when the board voted to keep you as CEO." She paused deciding whether or not she should continue, finally determining that Blair needed this more than Jack needed to keep it a secret. "The board was going to make him CEO and he still voted for you."
Blair inhaled deeply, struggling to maintain her composure at Lily's words. She found it difficult to believe that she was hearing the truth, but she knew that Lily wouldn't lie to her.
"I'm not saying that you should leave Chuck for Jack but if you truly feel like you can't talk to Chuck, I know that Jack would be there for you." Lily spoke sincerely. "But you have to talk to someone. You have to trust that someone else will grieve with you. You have to let yourself feel it."
Sighing slightly, Blair couldn't quite risk Lily's gaze for fear of seeing the truth. "I tried calling Jack once. He didn't answer and he never returned my call. I didn't try again."
Lily nodded understandingly. "He's here if you'd like to go talk to him."
Blair simply shook her head. "I think it's best if I just leave. I have things I need to take care of. But thank you for telling me what you did."
Once more Lily nodded. She was reluctant to simply let Blair leave but she couldn't stop her from doing so. "Please think about what I said dear." She said imploringly.
Blair gave Lily a small smile but she didn't speak one way or the other, instead she walked out of Lily's office. She needed to be alone and regain her composure or she might let herself feel it and no matter what Lily said, she was determined not to.
As soon as Blair left her office, Lily stood and walked into the hallway, taking an immediate right and marching towards Jack's office. She didn't knock, knowing with what she had to say it was probably just as well if she didn't. "I need to have a word with you." Lily said, stopping just inside the doorway.
Jack's head which had been resting in his hands popped up. "Lily, what are you . . ."
Lily shook her head as she interrupted. "Listen close Jack because I'm only going to say this once. I know you're trying to do the right thing by walking away and I'm not saying your wrong. But Blair needs you, she needs you."
"She has Chuck. I made sure of that." Jack spoke, his voice steady and certain. "She doesn't need me."
Lily sighed as she observed Jack, he looked worse than Blair; he was a disheveled mess. "I love Charles but Blair needs you more than you realize. Charles didn't have enough time to love the child before he lost it; you on the other hand did."
Scoffing Jack leaned back in his chair. "Are you telling me to go after your son's girlfriend?"
Lily shook her head and crossed her arms. "No, I'm just saying you should talk to her. Chuck doesn't understand what she lost but I think you do."
Jack was quiet for a moment as he thought about what Lily was saying. The whole point of staying away from her was making sure she got to be normal again; he didn't want to hurt her. But he couldn't go back, going back on what he said would only hurt her worse later. "I promised I wouldn't interfere in her life again."
"Jack, I tried, Chuck tried, the only person she'll listen to is you. You are the only one who can get through to her." Lily spoke patiently, but a hint of pleading crept into her voice.
Jack stared at Lily for a long time before shaking his head. "I know that you think I would help her but all I ever do is hurt her and I'm not going to do it again." When Lily just stood there, Jack sighed. "This discussion is over Lily, I'm sorry."
Lily turned and left knowing that her standing there wasn't going to change Jack's mind. For whatever reason he was convinced that he was bad for Blair and he was completely intractable on this point. She'd done what she could, she had to hope that Chuck could do the rest.
Rather than heading straight home following her meeting with Lily, Blair had made her way to Chuck's suite which he had moved back into following the accident. Lily's words had been bothering her and she was becoming more irritated by the minute. Who was Lily to tell her how to or how not to grieve over her loss. This was the way she had always dealt with things, Lily didn't get to say otherwise.
Walking into Chuck's suite she stopped in front of the table where he was surprisingly working on homework.
Looking up in surprise, Chuck smiled. "Blair, I didn't expect to see you this afternoon. I thought we were going to dinner tonight?"
Blair nodded. "We are." But she didn't say anything more.
Chuck looked at her confused, the expression on her face was virtually unreadable. "How was your meeting with Lily?"
Blair pursed her lips. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Chuck gave her the go ahead to keep talking with a nod of his head so she continued. "You know I'm okay right?" She asked seriously, beginning to wonder if it was only Lily who thought she was wasn't handling this or if Chuck was of the same opinion.
Chuck exhaled, setting down his pencil and looking at Blair. He'd been subtly pushing her harder but she continually shut him down, dismissing the possibility that she wasn't okay. He knew this was a delicate issue so he was careful in choosing his words. "I think you want to be okay but I don't think you're there yet."
Blair felt as though she'd been punched in the gut. Her hands went cold as her body felt a numbing shock rush through it and her heart began to pound frantically in her chest. "I'm fine Chuck." She said through gritted teeth as she clenched her fists tightly together.
Chuck shook his head, rising from his chair. "I want you to be fine Blair, I do. I want you to be okay but pretending like your fine when your not isn't going to help you. You lost a baby, it's normal to be upset, to feel pain."
"Why does everyone keep telling me how I should feel?" Blair snapped aggressively.
Her attitude made Chuck lose control for a moment in his frustration with the situation. "Because you're not feeling anything at all."
Blair's chest was heaving as anger coursed through her. "You have no idea what I'm feeling."
"Then tell me." Chuck pleaded, taking her hands in his.
Blair jerked her hands away. "I can't."
Chuck saw it in her eyes in that moment, he saw the break and all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and hold her but he could see from the way she was standing that she wasn't going to let him. "Don't shut me out Blair." His spoke quietly, his voice a soft plea.
Blair took a step backwards, crossing her arms to stop the shaking that was consuming her body. "Too late." She spoke softly before turning and fleeing from Chuck's apartment
So let me know what you think. This was kind of the wrestling of emotions that ended in a breakdown hence the name Broken Porcelain.
I know some of you are very pro-Jack, the poll I did earlier indicated that you guys are about 50/50 this is just a reminder for everyone to hang in there.
Please REVIEW :)
xoxo - kate