Chapter 37

"Rise and shine cupcake."

"Lemme 'lone," mumbled Laney.

Dean chuckled. He hated to wake his sister up. But it was only an hour before the CPS shrink was set to arrive and they all had a few things they should cover before then.

He tickled the bottom of her good foot and got a half hearted kick for the effort, followed by a pillow thrown at his head.

"I'm awake," she grumbled again.

"Sorry, kiddo," said Dean, not looking the least bit contrite.

"Sure you are," she retorted with a yawn.

"Sammy grabbed us some breakfast. You need to eat your Wheaties if you're going to be ready to go one on one with the shrink ."

Laney frowned. She'd been dreading the interview. It didn't keep her from sleeping. Her experience the day before had left her exhausted. She was still feeling a bit of fatigue and her head wasn't quite clear.

"Did you dig up anything on Dr. Whitlock or Callie?" she asked Sam.

Dean offered his brother a glance of warning.

"Bobby's still looking into it," said Dean.

Yeah right, thought Laney. She knew he was lying. They were trying to keep her focused on the shrink.

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't remember asking," said Dean, plainly.

"I'm not hungry," she repeated.

"You need to eat, especially after you puked all over me last night."

Laney grimaced. She'd forgotten about that.

"Fine, what did you get me?"

"Waffles," said Sam, with a smile.

"What?" asked Dean.

"What?" asked Laney, innocently.

"You made a face."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

She sighed heavily. "I appreciate the effort Sammy, but I'm just not up for waffles." For whatever reason, it made her stomach turn.

Sam raised an eyebrow at his brother. That's a first.

"It's okay," he said as he dug around in the plastic bag. "Blueberry muffin?"

She didn't really want that either, but decided not to be difficult about it. "Okay."

He handed it over to her and she immediately began picking at it. She did gulp down the carton of orange juice though.

Dean frowned as he noticed his sister not eating, but let it go.

"So, about the shrink," he started, "We've got the surveillance camera providing live feed to the laptop, so Sammy and I will be watching and listening to everything."

"Where are you guys going to be set up?"

"We found a quiet spot just around the corner. So no worries, we'll be close by if you need us."

"So what do I say to this guy?" asked Laney. They didn't exactly the kind of life that you could talk to just talk anyone about.

"I don't know, I guess he'll be asking you about your feelings and all that. Just be as honest as you can without you know – "

"Being honest," Laney interrupted.

Dean glared at her. Sam laughed.

"Yeah, well just answer his questions and leave out all the family business."

"Right, that'll be easy.

Dean noticed something in his sister's eyes. Embarrassment?

"What is it?" he asked.

"You guys are going to hear everything I'm saying. It makes me...uncomfortable."

Dean rolled his eyes. "We won't hold anything you say against you."

"I'm serious Dean."

"So am I. I mean just you know, talk to him, don't worry about what we think."

Laney nodded. "You asked for it," she said with a sheepish grin.

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An hour later, Laney found herself sitting in her wheelchair directly across from the CPS shrink; a middle aged man with graying hair and coke bottle glasses. He was hardly threatening looking, but to her he was the worst enemy she'd ever faced; someone who could very well separate her from her family – her life.

Dean had gone over where the camera was located and a code word for when it got to be too much or if something was off. She didn't plan to use it. She wanted to be strong and get through the interview, make her brothers proud, and most of all prove that Dean was the most suitable guardian for her.

"Okay Delaney, I'm just going to ask you questions about your life, childhood, hobbies, goals, and anything you want to talk about. Don't think of me as the enemy. My job is to listen to what you have to say."

"Fine, let's talk," said Laney, with a hint of defiance that she was sure Dean would appreciate.

"Okay, let's start with your parents."

Laney shut down immediately. Dean and Sam both could see on the video feed, in her eyes, the protective walls slammed down. And even though they wanted her to be as cooperative as possible, they completely understood.

"They're both dead. What's there to talk about? I thought this was all about whether or not my brother is a suitable guardian."

"We will get to your brother, but like I said, this is about you."

Laney sighed heavily. Dean frowned at his sister's weariness. This was going to be so much harder on her than they'd guessed.

"What do you want to know about my parents?"

"Tell me about your mother."

Sam felt Dean tense next to him. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Their mother was a topic they avoided as much as possible.

"Never knew her, she died when I was born," she answered bluntly. "Hard to miss what you never knew, don't you think?"

"Didn't your father and brothers talk to you about your mother?"

Laney nodded her head. "Not really. Just the basics. We don't talk about her."

"Why is that?"

"I guess it hurts them too much," she answered honestly. She never faulted her family for not speaking of her mother. She knew the basics and that was enough for the most part. And after her little memory of her mother's death, she completely understood and would never hold any ill will towards them.

"How do you feel about that?"

"About what?"

"About them not sharing their memories or talking about her."

"I understand it. Her death changed my brothers' lives forever. My father was never the same. If it hurts them to talk about her, then they don't have to, it's okay with me."

Dean smiled tightly. He wasn't surprised that she'd been protecting them from having to relive painful memories. But he had been feeling lately, that they had done the wrong thing not sharing memories of their mother with Laney. They had stolen something from her. Part of her legacy.

"You said your father was never the same. In what ways?"

"He was a mechanic, had a home, two sons, an adoring wife…she died and just like that," she said with the snap of her fingers, "It was gone. He was lost. I think in a lot of ways he died when she did. I mean, I didn't know my Dad before then obviously, but from what I've heard, he changed."

"How do you feel about that?"

Laney chewed on her lip for a moment. She had so many feelings it was hard to verbalize them.

"I guess I feel sorrow and regret that Sam and Dean lost both their parents that night."

"But I'm asking about you. How about your feelings? Do you feel sad for yourself?"

Laney looked at the shrink like he had two heads. What about her feelings?

Dean found himself leaning towards the screen in anticipation of his sister's answer. A few minutes ago he wasn't so sure about the whole thing, but now he realized that he might be getting some valuable insight into his sister's state of mind.

Laney breathed out a frustrated sigh. Clearly the shrink wasn't going to let her off the hook. She thought about it for another long moment.

"I'm angry," she finally said.

"Why are you angry?"

"I'm angry that I never knew her and that she was taken away from me…taken away from my brothers and my father. I'm angry that I've never known a mother's love. I'm angry because I know I'm missing something big and no one can change that, no one can replace her."

"You know under your anger, I think I hear guilt. Do you feel guilty?"

Man, this guy is good, thought Dean. He exchanged a quick look with his brother before looking back to the screen.

Laney squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.

"Maybe I do."

"Why?"

"I was born then she died."

"But your mother died in a fire. It was an accident. It wasn't your fault."

That's what you think buddy. But I know better.

Laney shrugged her shoulders.

"That's a heavy burden to carry."

Laney shrugged her shoulders again.

Sam felt a sharp twinge of sadness. He knew his sister's guilt, he understood it. It was a lot like the guilt he felt about Jessica's death, even though he knew it wasn't his fault. It didn't stop the guilt and he didn't think anything ever would.

"Do you think your family blamed you at all?"

"No…yes…well, not my brothers…they've never made me feel that it was my fault…but sometimes…" Laney's voice trailed off, she felt like she was already sharing too much.

"Sometimes what?" asked the shrink.

"Sometimes I think my father resented me," she answered, cringing at the high pitch in her voice that made her sound like a little girl.

Dean rubbed his hands through his hair, totally uncomfortable with the topic of their Dad.

"Why do you think that?"

"Uh, maybe because he left my brother to raise me. Maybe because I could see it in his eyes sometimes when he looked at me."

"Did he ever say anything to you?"

"Once, when he was drunk."

The second it left her mouth, she regretted it. She wasn't exactly painting a pretty family picture for the guy. It wasn't going to help her case.

"Did your father drink a lot?"

"My father is dead now, what does it matter?" demanded Laney. "He wasn't a saint and he made a lot of mistakes. But he was a good man!"

"You loved him?"

"Of course I did, what kind of question is that?!"

Dean was ready to storm into the room. He could see his sister was getting all riled up and he had some concern that with her new abilities there might be something she was capable of that they hadn't discovered.

"You obviously have a lot of anger towards him," said the shrink, in a matter of fact tone.

"Yes, I spent a lot of time very mad at him for making my brothers – especially Dean – grow up so fast. And I was angry because he kind of ignored me, and sometimes, yes, I – I hated him, but I've always loved him." said Laney, with difficulty. Her throat was growing tight as she tried to hold her tears back.

Dean and Sam both swallowed their own lumps.

"So you feel guilty about that?"

Laney nodded her head, sadly. "The last time I saw him alive, we'd been arguing, and I was angry. I felt hate for him. That's the last thing I felt for him, before he died."

"How do you think he felt about you?"

Laney sniffed and wiped at her tears. "I know he loved me. I know that. But I don't think he knew me and I don't think he really knew what to do with me."

"Is that why you went away to college?"

"It was his idea. I didn't want to go."

"Why not?"

"I wanted to stay with my brothers. Sam had just come back from college and we were a family again. I wanted to be with them. And I didn't feel ready."

"Were you afraid to be on your own for the first time?"

Laney thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I was. I've always been with them; we don't have other family, and very few friends. I didn't think I would fit in."

"How did you do?"

Laney felt better once they'd stopped talking about her father, so she was eager to answer the new questions.

"It was hard, especially at first, being around so many people I didn't know and staying in one place for so long. I was pretty lost actually. I cried myself to sleep at night in the beginning."

Dean frowned deeply. He never knew that. And it only served to make him feel even worse about her being shipped off. Even if he didn't realize what was going on at the time, he should have. It was his job.

"But it got better?"

"Eventually. Some of the classes were challenging and interesting and I met a lot of people that were big nerds like me," said Laney with a smile. "But there still wasn't a moment that I wouldn't have rather been back with my family."

"Is that why you left so suddenly?"

Laney's eyes shot up to the spot on the wall where she knew the camera was. This was dangerous ground and she had to tread carefully.

Sam and Dean both sat up straighter in their seats. Dean was ready to make some kind of excuse to crash the party if he had to.

After a long pause, she finally answered. "I – uh – I got kind of – depressed. You know, the coursework, missing my brothers, it got to be too much."

Oh and the emergence of my psychic gifts may have had something to do with it too.

"College can be a difficult transition for anyone and for someone as young as you, it can be even harder. Did you tell your father you weren't ready?"

"My father had made up his mind. It didn't really matter what I thought."

"So he was an authoritarian?"

"I think he thought he was doing what was best for me and I'd thank him for it later."

"Will you go back to school once you're recovered?"

"I don't know, maybe," she lied. She had no intention of ever going back. "My family needs me now."

"What about your future? What goals do you have? What do you want to do with your life?"

"Something with computers."

"Do you think about getting married or having children?"

"I don't plan to have children."

Sam and Dean exchanged a look. They'd never had this conversation with their sister because having children meant their sister having sex, and they never wanted to think of her in that way. But never having children, that was sad to hear.

"Why not?"

"Too much evil in the world," Laney answered. She knew that first hand.

"But there's good in the world too."

"Not in my experience."

"You're pretty young still. You may change your thinking."

"I doubt it."

The shrink gave her a smile that said he knew better, but Laney ignored it. He didn't know a damn thing.

"Let's talk about your brothers."

Laney beamed. It was her favorite topic. She glanced up at the spot on the wall where the camera was and winked.

Dean and Sam couldn't stifle their own smiles.

"Okay."

"Tell me about Sam."

"I love him. He's awesome, he's smart, he has a good heart…he's sensitive, compassionate. He really cares about people."

"How is your relationship with him?"

"We're close. He was away at Stanford for three years, but that didn't change anything. We have a lot of the same interests and we both like to learn. I feel like I can tell him anything. He doesn't mind if I get emotional."

"Compared to Dean?"

"Dean's not as touchy-feely as Sam."

Dean elbowed his brother and laughed. "See, you're the pansy."

"Shut up jerk."

"Bitch."

"Tell me more about Dean."

"Dean is…," Laney shifted in her seat for a moment, looking for the right words. "He's my best friend, my big brother, my father, my teacher, my protector, all rolled up in one. He's made me feel loved and treasured my whole life. I owe him everything."

Dean had to fight tears. He knew how his sister felt about him. He saw it in everything she did, in the way she looked up to him and protected him, but to hear it this way, made his heart swell.

"That's a big pedestal you have him on."

"Well, he's earned it. He could have walked away years ago – left and did his own thing when he turned 18 – but he didn't. He stuck around and he's always been by my side. My father was distant and gone a lot and Sammy went away to college, but Dean, he's always been there. I know in a second he would die for me."

"I believe you," said the shrink. "From everything I've gathered about him from records and talking with hospital staff, I have no doubt how your brother feels about you."

"But?"

"Do you think you might have a bit too much of an attachment to your brothers?"

"How is that even possible?" Laney asked incredulously.

"You seemed to be completely focused on them. You don't have any significant relationships with anyone outside of them and you don't seem to function well in their absence."

"We've moved around a lot. I never had much of a chance to make friends, but I'm not bitter about it. I wouldn't change a thing."

"And that can be somewhat of a problem. It would be normal for you to be resentful or bitter about your upbringing being a bit unorthodox, but you don't seem to be."

"What are you getting at?"

"Maybe you're not being honest with me about your feelings."

"I'm answering your questions truthfully."

"What about the injuries that couldn't be explained? The lacerations and the cuts to your arms and legs and chest?"

Laney crossed her arms in front of her in defiance.

"I have no memory of what happened prior to the accident and I don't know how I got those cuts."

"Did your father ever hit you?"

If Laney could have gotten up from her chair, she would have. And then she would have punched the shrink square in the face.

Dean had to concentrate really hard on keeping himself in his own seat. His jaw was clenched so tight, he thought it might break.

"No, absolutely not."

"Your brothers."

"No, never. They've never raised a hand to me."

"So where did the cuts come from?"

"I really don't know. I have no idea," insisted Laney.

"The doctors say they were at few days old, before you came in from the accident."

"If I knew, I would tell you, but I have no clue."

"Have you ever cut yourself?"

Laney was so taken back by the question that she stuttered for a moment then shut her mouth. She had an idea where the shrink was going with this; maybe she should let him believe that was true. It would keep her from having to throw in the whole, I-was-tortured-by-a-demon-thing. She raised her eyes to where the camera was and raised an eyebrow, hoping they might catch on that she was about to tell a serious lie.

Laney sighed dramatically before answering. "Yes. I don't know why I did it, but I did."

Dean held his breath, hoping that her lie wasn't going to do damage in the long run.

"Cutting is a form of self-mutilation, it's a way for people to seek relief from the pain of strong emotions or intense pressure. It sounds like your father didn't allow you to express yourself much and it sounds like he made you go off to college even though you didn't want to. Cutting has probably served to give you some measure of control."

"I never did it before I went to school. It's just when I went off to college, my father, he didn't allow my brothers to stay in contact with me, he wanted me to learn to be on my own…and I lost my support system…I lost everything I knew…I didn't have anyone to talk to anymore. And then he was really angry when I came home. He wanted me to go back."

Laney realized with profound sadness how much of an asshole it sounded like her father was. She was sorry for the impression she was leaving on the shrink, but she knew it was necessary. Her father was a complicated man.

"Have you felt compelled to cut recently?"

"No, I haven't"

"That's good. But I think you could probably use some counseling to help you overcome those emotions and find healthier outlets."

Laney nodded. "I think that would be helpful."

"Good, very good."

Laney smiled brightly at him, hoping it looked sincere.

"How are you feeling now? I saw the neurologist's report that you've been having some difficulties with your memory. I know that you have a genius IQ. Top grades, near photographic memory. You were used to all that coming easily to you. How are you feeling about it now?"

Laney blinked a few times. She wasn't exactly prepared to discuss this current situation.

"Scared."

"Why?"

"Because I used to know exactly who I was and now I don't."

"You shouldn't let your genius define you."

"Easy for you to say, but I feel handicapped."

"You'll adjust. I know it seems like you won't, but you will. The human capacity for adaptation is unmatched in the animal kingdom."

"Maybe I will…but if you take me from my brothers I don't think I'll ever be okay," she said earnestly.

"We're not trying to take you away from them; my job is to do determine what's in your best interest."

"I'm 17, I would think that I know what's in my best interest."

"That's fair to say. But you've suffered some major injuries and while you've made what by all accounts is an incredible recovery, you still have a long road ahead of you."

"What are you implying? That my brothers aren't up to it?"

"It's a big undertaking, they won't be able to move around like usual. You'll need consistent therapy and stability if you're going to get better."

"They can handle it."

"I'm sure they say they can, but what of the reality?"

Laney's head dropped to her chest in near defeat.

Dean let out a long string of curses that made Sam's ears turn red.

"Delaney, in our short conversation I think I've picked up on some things you aren't saying. I'm worried that you believe you'll become a burden to them and that can do a lot of damage to your self-esteem."

"I have been thinking that," admitted Laney, "But I think that they need me as much as I need them and we'll make it work somehow. And we need to be together, we just lost our father."

"There is merit to what you are saying. Grieving is a long process and it helps to have the ones you love by your side."

"So are you saying you're not going to try and separate me from them?"

"I haven't made a determination yet. I still need to interview your brothers first."

Laney nodded sadly.

"Is there anything else you wanted to add?" he asked

"Just that the only place I want to be is with my family. We're not traditional and we're never going to be, but we love each other and would sacrifice anything for each other. I love them more than anything in the world."

"Ditto, kid," whispered Dean.