Since she had spoken to Phyllis, Patsy was determined to stop feeling sorry for herself and start living. Even if it meant just going through the motions of having a life of her own, that had to be better than moping about waiting for the day Delia decided to leave altogether.

It was to this end that Patsy had invited Barbara and Trixie over as soon as she'd learned they were both available that Friday evening. It might not exactly be going out dancing all night or a weekend away in Paris, but it made a change from spending all their time at Nonnatus House; which, nice as it was, was still a convent. At least in the flat they could be sure that Sister Evangelina wasn't about to poke her head around the door and tell them to turn their music down, or Sister Monica Joan to come come in and confiscate their snacks. Besides which, having both Trixie and Barbara here might help Patsy and Delia interact more easily too, since they'd have the buffer of other people around.

That last was a secret hope that Patsy held in her heart right up until the moment a knock on the door announced the arrival of Robert, toppling her plans as easily as a house of playing cards. She had tried hard not to resent Delia's young man over the last few weeks, she really had; but in that moment she couldn't help the flash of annoyance at the sight of him standing there in his neatly pressed suit, his curly hair slicked back so thoroughly that it gleamed wetly in the light spilling out of the open door. Even when she and Delia had been a couple, every minute they'd had together was meticulously planned and hard fought for, she had never been able to just turn up without a word of forewarning like this. Frankly, it was rude. A small, hard part of Patsy hoped that Delia would tell him so, that she would say she had other plans and shut the door on his amiable enthusiasm. She did seem a little annoyed that Robert hadn't asked first, but in the end acquiesced to his request and went to fetch her coat. Of course she did. Even if she had wanted to stay, an evening at home with a few friends was hardly an acceptable excuse for declining the pre-bought cinema tickets Robert was brandishing. But the truth was, Delia probably wanted to go.

As she watched them walking off down the street together, Patsy had considered calling to cancel the evening's arrangements. All of a sudden she wasn't really in the mood... but that probably meant there was all the more reason for her to see her other friends. Her alternative could very definitely be considered moping, and Patience Mount was nobody's heartsick teenager. Besides, she had promised to be available more for Trixie's sake.

It was only about half an hour until her friends were due to arrive, but all the same it seemed an eternity, and Patsy found herself wandering rather aimlessly from room to room in the empty flat. Normally she would turn to cleaning to calm her thoughts and make herself feel more in control, but she had felt this way so often recently that every room was already spotless. She tried listening to the wireless, but it seemed too loud in the silent living room, almost vulgar in its cheerful blaring and she switched it off quickly. Was this what it would be like every night if Delia decided to move out? Or would Nonnatus House let Patsy move back there instead? Did she want to go back? She sighed and tried hard to turn her thoughts from such bleak musings. Delia had only been dating Robert a few weeks, it wasn't as though they were about to get married.

At last Patsy heard a gentle tapping at the front door, and was so pleased not to be alone with her thoughts anymore that when she opened it her greeting came out quite merry.

'Babs! I'm so glad you could make it, it's wonderful to see you!'

She hugged her friend with uncharacteristic enthusiasm and then glanced at the empty doorway.

'Didn't Trixie come with you? She said she would'.

'She'll be along soon. Her last case was a tad more complicated than anticipated and she arrived home with vomit in her shoes just as I was getting ready to leave. She said she'd catch up after a bath and a hearty dose of disinfectant for her brogues'.

Patsy wrinkled her nose as she moved aside to let Barbara squeeze past into the narrow hall.

'Poor Trixie. I can't imagine why it is, but she always seems to be the one in the firing line when there's vomit on the scene'.

'I know, Trix was saying exactly the same thing. Last I saw she was squelching up the stairs in her wet shoes muttering a list of all the times she's been caught in the last month like she was saying a rosary. It would have been funny if I didn't feel so sorry for her. I think if she didn't have you and Delia to focus on this evening she would have been quite the shirty Gerty about it, but we've both been looking forward to this so much she's trying to keep her chin up'.

Patsy tried to act casual as she led the way into the lounge and offered Barbara a seat, but for all she had attempted to brace herself for this, now the moment had arrived she found she still didn't feel ready for it.

She hadn't told Barbara and Trixie about Robert yet, and she didn't think Delia had either. She had almost blurted it out both of them a dozen times, but something always held her back. She told herself it was Delia's right to decide when to mention Robert to other people, and that sounded right... but she still couldn't decide if that's what she genuinely believed, or if it was merely cowardice that made her keep quiet. Either way, there was no putting it off any longer.

'I hope Trixie won't be too disappointed with just my company then. Delia won't be joining us this evening. Her chap called round about half an hour ago with tickets to the cinema as a surprise'.

Barbara stopped, poised ridiculously half way between standing and sitting on the sofa, her mouth hanging open like a bizarre caricature of shock for a long moment before she seemed to come back to herself.

'What?! Delia's on a date? But she can't be! What... what about the two of you?'.

Patsy could feel her own jaw struggling to drop open as Barbara's had done a moment before and felt a hysterical urge to laugh, because until now she had always assumed 'jaw dropping' to be a turn of phrase rather than a literal physical phenomenon. She fought to hold herself together in the face of what seemed to be a bizarre dream. It couldn't be real. If it was she wouldn't be standing here thinking about dropping jaws and trying not to laugh. She'd be panicking. She'd be denying it. She'd be... Besides, how could Barbara possibly know about her and Delia? Trixie would never have told, she was far too careful to let it slip, and no one else knew. No one in the world but Patsy herself.

All at once the wild compulsion to laugh tipped and she found herself struggling not to cry as the truth sunk in. She had been so careful. Had it all been for nothing? Was she really still in danger even now, when Delia was out with her... with Robert? She had no idea how long it was between Barbara speaking and her own stammered 'what?' but she must have looked appalled because Barbara cheeks were beginning to turn as red as her hairband and she looked mortified.

'Oh Patsy. Did I get it wrong? I'm so sorry, how embarrassing! I just thought... well I always thought the two of you were a couple. Please don't be upset. I didn't mean any offence by it truly. I always thought it was nice...'

Patsy raised an eyebrow, still not entirely certain she wouldn't wake up in a moment, but beginning to feel a little less panicked at Barbara's obviously positive reaction.

'Well... But Babs how on Earth did you know? And how can you say it so casually, as if it's nothing out of the ordinary? Is it... am I really so obvious?'

'Oh no, of course not. It's just... when I was a little girl I used to stay with my aunt Serena a lot. Or rather, with her and her companion, Berenice. They ran a B&B together back in Liverpool and they were supposed to be business partners, but... well, you look at Delia the same way Auntie Serena looked at Bernie. They always seemed so happy together I didn't even think about the fact that they were both women. Not until I was quite a bit older and I heard people talking about queers anyway; but by that time it just seemed normal to me, even if it was something we didn't mention out loud. I'm sorry, I suppose I should have known better than to bring it up... I just... I sort of forgot I hadn't actually asked you about it yet. Sorry if I gave you a fright. If it helps, I don't think anyone else will have noticed. Most people don't seem to realise it's even possible for two women'.

Patsy shook her head slowly as she stared at her friend.

'All this time we've thought you so innocent and unworldly Barbara, but you take everything in your stride as if you've seen it a thousand times. You really are a wonder'.

'Sorry'.

'Sorry? Babs, you're amazing! Just wait until I tell Trixie, she'll be in stitches. We thought you'd be so shocked if you ever found out'.

'I don't understand why everyone thinks me so innocent, I've always thought of myself as quite a cynical person'.

Patsy couldn't help it, she started to giggle helplessly. The whole situation was so surreal and unexpected that she was feeling almost drunk, as if her brain had simply given up on trying to interpret the rush of emotions that had flowed through it this evening. At Barbara's frown she tried hard to stop, but another peal of laughter bubbled up to the surface against her will. She still couldn't quite decide whether any of this was really happening.

'Babs, you are practically made of sunshine and rainbows, if you have got a cynical bone in your body I don't think it can be anything larger than your malleus'.

Barbara seemed a little disappointed by the answer, but not really surprised and, thankfully, not upset by Patsy's outburst.

'Really? Not... not even a bit?'

'Sorry old thing. If it's any consolation, that's why we love you'.

'Hmm... wait... The two of you thought I'd be shocked... You mean Trixie knows?'

'Yes... it seems I wasn't nearly as good at hiding things from you two as I thought. She asked me out right if Delia and I had been a couple just after Delia came home from the hospital'.

'And she didn't mind?'

'No. She's been wonderful actually'.

'Oh I'm so glad! And I'm so happy for you and Delia, I always hoped I was right about you two, you always seemed so good together...'

Suddenly Barbara's expression changed as she remembered where Delia was 'Oh Patsy... oh no. Delia's on a date. Oh I'm so sorry. She... she doesn't remember about the two of you then?'

'No, she doesn't remember. But it's alright'.

'Is it?'

'Well no. Of course not. I'm sick with jealousy when I see them together, and knowing that we'll never... knowing I've lost what we once had hurts even more than I thought it would. I thought I'd come to terms with this after the accident, but I don't think the reality of what that meant really hit me. Not until I saw Delia on Robert's arm, leaning into him the way she used-'

Patsy broke off abruptly, closing her eyes for a few moments while she tried to pull herself together. She couldn't go down that line of thought. The wound was still too fresh.

'The point is, I said from the first that whatever Delia chose, I would be here for her. She's chosen Robert and no matter how sad I am for myself, how can I be anything other than happy for her? I love her too much to wish things were otherwise. Life will be so much easier for her this way. She has a chance to be normal and happy. I could justify our being together when we both had to choose one or the other, but not any more; not when Robert really is a nice person, much as I hate to admit it. Delia is far too sensible to go out with some awful creep that I could hate on principle. So... I'm her friend. And even if it isn't alright, I put a jolly good show of it on – Delia never has to know'.

Barbara was looking utterly heartbroken on Patsy's behalf, shaking her head as if she wanted to argue but couldn't quite work out how, when Trixie arrived.

Patsy had barely had a chance to get the door open before Barbara spoke up in a voice that wasn't quite a wail, but probably wanted to be when it grew up.

'Trixie it's awful, Delia's on a date'.

Trixie looked startled, glancing at Patsy for confirmation and then looking back at Barbara, her eyes widening. She spoke quickly, clearly trying to limit any damage her reaction might have caused while simultaneously attempting to work out what she'd missed.

'What a shame we won't see her tonight. Am I to take it from that reaction Barbara that the chap in question isn't worthy of our Delia?'

Patsy gave her a grateful smile.

'Thanks Trix, but there's no need. Barbara knows about Delia and I'.

'You told her?'

'No, she-'

'I guessed. Ages ago. Honestly, you never give me enough credit Trixie!'

'Well... be fair Barbara, this isn't like me underestimating your ability to flirt in a bar, or... I don't know, pick out a flattering bathing suit. This is – well, how many people would guess when Patsy's so good at keeping things under wraps?'

Barbara looked rather pleased with herself then.

'Not many, but I did. Anyway Trixie, you're missing the essential point. Delia is on a date with someone other than Patsy! It's horrible. It was awful enough to think of her not remembering about them, but to actually be with someone else...'

'Ah, yes. About that. Patsy. What are you doing about this?'.

Trixie sat down beside Barbara on the sofa, leaving Patsy to take Delia's arm chair, and then leaned forwards as if preparing to interrogate her.

'Doing? I'm not doing anything. It's up to Delia who she dates, there's nothing I can-'

But Trixie cut across her, her arms folded like a stern school teacher faced with a particularly stubborn child.

'That's utter nonsense Patsy. You need to step back from your own self-martyrdom for a moment and consider whether you're really doing this to give Delia a choice, or because you're scared'.

'Now hold on Trixie, I think you're being a bit-'

'No Barbara, let me finish. Patsy is far too much in the habit of thinking she doesn't deserve happiness, but this time she isn't the only one at stake. Patsy – have you considered the fact that Delia is regaining more memories all the time? It's only a matter of time before she does remember all about the two of you, and when she does, how do you think she'll feel knowing that you just let her go without any sort of a fight? What if she remembers when it's too late and she's already made some sort of a commitment to this boy, simply because she doesn't know there's another option?'

Patsy sat still for a few moments, stunned by Trixie's stern rebuke. She had, if she was honest with herself, expected sympathy. She had expected her friend to say how sad it was, but that Patsy was doing the right thing by letting Delia live her own life as she wanted to. She had not expected to be told off. It was true that she hadn't thought about it that way before though. Could it really be that she was holding back out of fear, and only dressing it up as a more noble sentiment to spare her own pride? Why hadn't she thought about it from Delia's perspective sooner? Patsy had been so busy trying not to make another assumption the way she had with the painting that perhaps she had gone too far in the other direction; refusing to see signs that should have told her it was time to tell Delia the truth...

When her silence continued Trixie spoke again, her tone gentler, as if dealing with someone in shock.

'I know you're trying to give her a choice, and that's as it should be... but can you really say she's had one if she doesn't know that you are even a possibility?'

'Well...'

'I bet it was Delia that made the first move last time, wasn't it? When you first got together?'

Patsy nodded. Of course it had been Delia. Delia had always been the brave one, when it came to feelings.

'Yes, I thought so. Well now it's your turn to take the risk Patsy. You have to tell her the truth. Tell her, and then let her decide what she wants'.

It made sense. It made much more sense, now she heard it put that way, than what she had been doing up to now. Perhaps Trixie was right, and she had been making a martyr of herself.

'I suppose you're right...'

'Good. Then tell her tonight, you hear me?'

'Tonight? But Trixie-'

'No excuses, if you don't do it now you've resolved to, you'll just keep finding reasons to put it off'.

'And if she's horrified? If she wants me out the flat?'

'Then you'll come to us of course! But she won't Patsy, I know she won't'.

'Barbara's right. If the worst happens and Delia asks you to leave, then you come to Nonnatus house for the night. You're not homeless Patsy. If Delia throws you out then you go there... and I'll come back here and have words with her'.

Of course Trixie wouldn't really come marching over in the middle of the night to tell Delia off for hurting her (at least she didn't think so – she WAS looking pretty fierce just at that moment), but the assertion made her smile, and she hugged her friend.

'Alright. I'll tell her. I'll tell her tonight. I promise'.

'Good'.

'Well done Patsy. It's the right thing to do. But still, you are awfully brave'.

Barbara got up from the sofa to hug her too, and Patsy felt the hope she had thought dead forever come flooding back into her limbs. It felt like electricity – painful and dangerous, but filling her with energy, and the warmth of knowing that it might not have to be over after all.

The rest of the evening was pleasant enough, but more than once the conversation drifted into silence as Patsy lost the thread of what she had been saying and stopped part way through a sentence. She was too absorbed in thinking about what was going to happen later. If their slightly forced cheerfulness was anything to go by, Barbara and Trixie were thinking about it too.