Super SpongeBob Bros.

Episode 37: Lady Palutena, You're Fired

"Morning, Lady Palutena. I'm Dr. Wright. I represent the 'Boating School Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know your teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we have noticed there have been an unusual large number of failings from this classroom."

"That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class."

"Yes, but he's failed 1,258,056 times."

"You don't understand. Pit is unteachable."

"We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher."

"Honk honk! Beep beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Lady Palutena?" Pit asked.

"Okay, Lady Palutena, if Pit fails this test, you will be replaced."

Palutena got in the car with Pit and Dr. Wright. "Okay, Pit, let's demonstrate for Dr. Wright everything I've taught you in driving school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start driving?"

"Seat-belt-aroony. One second." Pit began to buckle his seatbelt but got tangled in it as Dr. Wright wrote on his notepad.

"Then what do you do?" Palutena asked.

"Start the engine?"

"Yes."

Pit then started the car. "Now what do I do?"

"Drive the car."

Pit drove the car right into another car. "Did I pass this time, Lady Palutena?"

"No, Pit, you failed."

"I failed?"

"It's not you that failed, Pit. It's Lady Palutena that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties."

"I won't be teaching Pit anymore?" Palutena started laughing rather hysterically. "No more...Pit? I thought this day would never come. Goodbye, Pit! Have a nice life." She hopped out of the car and started cheering with joy. "Free at last, free at last!"

"I got Lady Palutena fired." Pit sighed sadly as he sat in the classroom. Suddenly, there was banging and crashing as the new driving teacher burst into the room. It was a middle-aged man dressed up like a drill sergeant.

"Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor." Snake smashed Palutena's nameplate on the desk. "No one's ever failed my class...that's lived through it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spine will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. You will drive out of this school in style. Or you will be carted out in your granny's hand basket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking."

"Does that mean..." Ness began before Snake grabbed him and threw him through the door.

"Second Rule: No eating in my class. Would anyone care for a bon-bon?"

"Uhh, I'll eat one." Lucas volunteered, and everyone gasped.

"Pick your favorite." Lucas took a bon-bon and ate it. "How's it taste?"

"It's a delightful taste sensation."

"No eating in my classroom!" Snake grabbed Lucas and threw him through another door. "Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class..." Everyone but Pit ran out of the room. "Looks like you're the man, angel."

"I am?"

"Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?"

"Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive!" Pit jumped into the car.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Ready for my test, sir."

Snake took Pit out of the car. "You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first." He showed roads will all sorts of obstacles. "This is the most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack on it. You'll start out crawling it."

"Crawl?"

"Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. Hut two." Snake ordered, and Pit quickly got onto his hands and feet and began to crawl through the course.

"Left turn. Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!"

"Keep your eyes on the road, cadet."

"Pebble!" Pit began to crawl faster and more out of control and ended up getting the pebble stuck in his hand and started screaming. He rolled down the obstacle course then into the air, and then back down where Snake caught him as he stopped screaming. "Whew!"

"I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble." Snake pulled the pebble out of Pit's hand and crushed it. "What are you suppose to be learning in my class?"

"How to drive, sir?"

"Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. Then you learn to walk and then you learn to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl! I want you to crawl!"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

"Now get out there!" Pit crawled around a hole then Snake took off his shoes and ordered him to carry him on his back. He then stopped at a stop sign, and ran in and out of some radioactive waste.

"Every good driver needs to know his vehicle inside and out." Snake handed Pit a wrench. "Here, go take that car apart." He took the car apart. "I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!"

Pit laughed. "That'll be easy."

"Are you sure?"

"Um, yeah. You just put the jigamahoo on the doohicky and uhh...I might need a couple minutes." Moments later, had managed to put the car back together and woke up a sleeping Snake. "It's ready, sarge!" Pit showed that had re-assembled the car into a rocket ship.

"Oh, brother..." Snake muttered as the rocket blasted off.

(Line Break)

"Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestrians!" Pit crashed through a lot of pedestrian cut-outs. "So, umm, how'd I do?"

"How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian...HOW YOU DID!"

"Now I know this forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?"

"Not quite." Snake put a blindfold on Pit. "Now do it blindfolded."

Several days later...

"1003, 1004, 1005. Ooh, pebble #143. Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006, 1007, 1008. Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 10...13."

"Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel."

"Really? I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm..." Pit ran right into a pole.

"Let's see what I taught you, laddy."

"Yes, sir!" Pit began to drive the car. "Left turn at pebble #143. Kid with a ball. Nice boy."

"Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead." Pit parallel parked. "Very good."

Now it was time for the real exam. "Now, boy, the time has come to show Dr. Wright what you've learned."

"Yes, sir! Step 1: Seatbelts." Pit managed to put on his seatbelt with no problem.

"Excellent work, cadet. What's next?"

"Step 2 would be...ignite engine."

"Step 3?"

"Step 3 would be..." Pit took out a blindfold. "...engage blindfold."

"What? You can't drive a car with a blindfold on. That's illegal."

"But I can't do it without a blindfold."

"Drive, boy! Drive!"

Pit stepped on the gas pedal and drove off. He failed to make the first turn and ended up crashing right into a gas can, causing the driving school to explode in a giant mushroom cloud and sending debris flying everywhere. As the debris begins to clear, the car flew into the air and began soaring.

"Mayday! Mayday! You're off course." The car drove right into 2 buildings then underground before spurting out from a fire hydrant. They then crashed through a bakery and into a field where Palutena was busy painting the scenery.

"Ah, I feel so serene now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, Pit." Palutena noticed a car heading right towards her and tried to paint something really quick. The car then ran into her, and the painting showed Pit, Snake, and fearing for their lives.

"The brake son!" Snake yelled.

"Aye aye, sir." Pit got down and took apart the brake. "There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two of the bolts."

"I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her." Snake jumped in front of the car to try to stop it. "Come get some!" The car then ran him over.

"Man down! Man down!" Pit drove right into the city and began to destroy many buildings. "Sorry, excuse me. Sorry."

"Hey, Pit!"

"Sorry Kirby, I can't stop the car right now." The car drove out of the now destroyed city, and Pit was driving while wearing a pair of pants over his eyes. "I can't see! I can't see! Hey, I can't see!" He managed to dodge traffic and pedestrians as he parallel parked. "Did I pass?"

"Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have. Sorry, Pit, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Lady Palutena, you're hired again."

"Hey, Lady Palutena! Sorry I'm "unteachable"."

"It's okay. Dr. Wright gave me my teaching certificate back." Palutena sniffled as she held up a burnt, charred object. "And your dossier was destroyed in the explosion, so it's as if you never failed."

"I got you a welcome back gift, Lady Palutena." Pit showed Palutena her fixed name tag. "I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time."

Palutena put her head down on the desk and began to sob quietly, and the name tag completely shattered.