The ocean was angry. Churning with froth and crashing into the shoreline; punching away at the sand and leaving only a landscape of coarse rocks jutting out like a ragged corpse, darkened fingers raised in defense. Clara stood defiantly in the winds in a blue sundress, her hair flapping out behind her – occasionally slapping at her skin painfully – staring out at the clouds that swirled in the grey skies. And even the small warm hand that slipped into hers gently, even the solid little body that leaned into hers and nestled into her skin, did nothing to alleviate the cold gripping at her heart.
"What happened, mummy?" Maddie shouted against the roaring onslaught of another set of waves.
Taking a long breath, Clara lowered her chin and then slowly turned to look at the large dark eyes now searching hers and she shook her head. She'd had two days now to think about what she should tell her, and some part of her wished she'd had more time to deal with that confusion and betrayal herself, but she didn't know how much her child remembered when she wasn't connected to the dream. Clara didn't know if she felt the passage of time the way she did and with how connected she seemed to be to the dream world, she feared that she did.
Clara cocked her head and tried to smile, and then lead her daughter away from the beach that used to bring them so much peace. She tried to remember the first time they'd arrived there in a dream. How her daughter had asked how they'd gotten there; how she'd asked where everyone else had gone off to; how she'd slowly warmed to the notion that it was a magical place Clara had found for them. They'd warned her about the questions, because mostly the human mind accepted the dream state, but sometimes it rejected it enough that the visits were impossible.
Her fear in that moment could compare to that first day, hoping her daughter wouldn't fade away from her for good over the inconsistencies her mind registered. Now, she knew, she'd simply been adapting to a program as programmer, rather than participant. Looking out at the sky that cracked with silent lightning, Clara took a long breath of salty frigid air and then she looked back at Maddie.
"Let's walk," she offered lightly, bare feet digging into the sand as they moved together.
Her daughter went quietly with her, both of her hands holding tightly to Clara's, body never more than a few inches from hers, and she could feel the slight trembling. She didn't know if it was from the weather or from her apprehension, but she continued to move forward towards the wooden walkways that lead from the beach to the grassy field that sat in a valley cut between two smooth hills. The flowers that usually dotted the landscape were wilted and browned, and Maddie reached to touch one before raising her eyes to look at her mother.
"Why are you sad?" The girl questioned, voice calmer now that the rush of the ocean was just out of earshot, but still hissing statically in the background.
Clara turned to her fully and she sat carefully in the grass, watching her daughter do the same in front of her before she offered, "Mummy is hurt."
"Oh no," Maddie called, inching up on her knees before Clara stopped her with a smile.
"It's alright, sweet pea, it's not like a cut or a scratch. It's just on the inside," she told her, feeling the little fingers that curled around her arms, "But it'll be ok."
Shaking her head, Maddie argued, "It's not ok, mummy, the skies are mad."
Clara watched her eyes lift to take in the swirling clouds above them. Laughing, she assured, "That's just the dream."
"No," Maddie moped, "No, that's you mummy – you make the skies here, and they're not right."
For a moment she wanted to laugh again, and then she understood. Maybe she couldn't conjure a kite or a meal or a bird's call from memory, but somehow Clara's emotions were affecting the weather. She shook her head and rubbed at Maddie's shoulders, telling her quietly, "I'm sorry, baby."
The girl inched forward, climbing into her lap to pull Clara's arms around her. Resting her head against Clara's bicep, Maddie gripped at it, asking, "Why are you hurting, mummy?"
She looked out over the field and the way the wind played with the long blades of grass, flattening and curling them and splitting them to the sides. Tell her the truth, she reminded herself, because the consequences of the alternative were why they were there in a darkened field, huddled together against her sadness. Clara hunched slightly to hug Maddie tightly and she waited until the little girl looked to her to try and answer her questions – because Clara knew they would come.
"Sometimes good people do stupid things, Maddie, and they don't mean to hurt others, but they do," she began softly. "A friend of mine hurt me because he lied to me and it's hard to know that, because I had trusted him so much; I wanted to trust him so much..." she trailed.
Maddie was nodding slowly, offering, "We shouldn't lie to people, you taught me that, mummy."
She smiled, "Yes, I did." Then she frowned, feeling a world of guilt as she added, "That's the really terrible part though, I didn't exactly lie, but I didn't tell him the whole truth either – which is as bad as a lie."
The girl gave a small gasp, then questioned, "Why did you do that?"
Shrugging, Clara looked to her expectant eyes, and she told her honestly, "Mummy makes mistakes too, that's something I hate to teach you, but I'm going to make mistakes every once in a while and I made a pretty big one, and I'm so very sorry."
Shifting to hug her, Maddie grunted, "It's ok, mummy, I forgive you."
She nodded, lifting a free hand to wipe at her own tears before shaking her head and pulling Maddie up, settling her on up her thigh. "Maddie, I have to tell you something because these lies, they were told to you as well, and this isn't going to be easy, but you should know."
The girl's head bobbed and she remained silent.
"You know the Doctor?"
Maddie giggled and sputtered, "The raggedy man."
Clara smiled tightly, and then she said, "He's a very real man in the very real world."
"I know," she stated, "He comes here to help people."
"Yes, sweet pea, he tries," she brushed her hair back over her shoulders and sniffled hard, "But in the real world, he doesn't look like he does here, and in the real world I knew him as John." She took a long breath. "The problem is that John didn't tell me he was the Doctor and that's a pretty big lie because I thought they were two people, and I really liked them both."
Maddie chewed the inside of her cheek a moment, and then asked meekly, "Mummy, is it lying if you know something, but you thought someone else knew it, but you didn't say it?" Her fingers twisted as she added for emphasis, "Because you thought they knew it?"
Blinking roughly, Clara muttered, "What?"
The girl's fingers twisted further, "I thought it was a game."
"Maddie," Clara breathed, "What?"
"He puts on the silly face and calls himself the Doctor." She wrinkled her nose, "But really, he's just a sad man who's afraid we won't want his help if we saw him without his silly mask."
Her heart thudded heavily in her chest and Clara feared another representative would pop in to check on her as she stared at her child, looking quite ill as she sat tensely in her lap. Her daughter had known all along, she understood, looking to the way Maddie uncurled her fingers and then gripped them into her little purple dress; her daughter had always seen him for who he was and she'd read through his act so thoroughly she might have been impressed if she hadn't been in shock.
"I thought you knew," she whimpered, bottom lip trembling slightly, scared she was in trouble.
Clara pulled her into a hug, feeling her sniffle against her shoulder as she assured her, "Maddie, I'm not mad at you – you didn't lie. You didn't lie," she repeated before closing her eyes and smiling, "You were just using your beautiful heart, like you always do."
"He just wanted to help us, and he made us happy," she pulled back and Clara wiped the tears from her cheeks as she nodded, "Mummy, I think we made him happy too." Then those eyes widened as she asked, "Is he ok? He fell down and he disappeared..."
She palmed her cheeks and shook her head, "He's in the hospital, baby, not too far from you."
The girl's eyes slowly closed as she released a long sigh and then they blinked open and she asked curiously, "Was it his heart? He told me a secret about his heart."
Clara smiled and nodded, "What did he tell you?"
"He told me he loved us so much it might burst," she frowned, "Did we burst his heart?"
Shaking her head, she looked Maddie over before Clara told her quietly, "He was afraid, I think he was afraid we couldn't love him the way he loved us, and sometimes when people get very afraid, their hearts have to work too hard and it becomes too much..."
"Tell him to sleep," Maddie offered sharply.
With a smile, Clara said softly, "Maddie, you can't sleep away fear."
The girl merely stared, then her eyes shifted away and looked around, "It's safer here."
"Maddie," Clara stated simply, waiting for her daughter to look back to her, thinking maybe she understood what her daughter was saying, terrified of what it meant. She swallowed roughly and asked quietly, "Are you stuck here because you're afraid to leave this place?"
Glancing up at her with wet eyes, Maddie only nodded.
Chin trembling, Clara prompted, "You sleep to stay safe because you're scared of the real world."
"I got myself stuck so far in the dark, hiding from the monster," she whispered.
"Your father," Clara corrected.
Maddie's eyes closed and she took a long breath, "Mummy, is he really gone?" Then she opened her eyes and stated, "I saw him go through the window." The winds around them died instantly and the grass stood deadly still as Maddie explained, "You hit your head and you were asleep. The car was in the water," he eyes pinched shut and she breathed, "Melody was gone, just bubbles that stopped."
"Madeline," Clara warned, "Don't live it again, please." Because it was her worst nightmare, that her child could be trapped in that moment for the rest of her life, stuck in that coma. They tried to tell her it wouldn't happen and she'd alleviated her fears only so much through the DeepDream Institute's program, but she still worried about the time she wasn't with her daughter. "Maddie, please," she pleaded, head tilting forward to touch to her daughter's.
The girl took several long breaths before saying quietly, "His car went in after us and he went through the window and I saw him. I saw him mummy, he spit out the mud and he said my name and fell down. I got so scared I swallowed the water and tried to hide in it, but I fell in the dark and I kept going."
Clara let out a sob. "Maddie, he was hurt so bad that he died and he cannot get you. Not here, not anywhere, especially not with me – he cannot get you if you wake up. He can't."
"Mummy?" Maddie asked quietly. "Is John going to be alright?"
She laughed, nodding against her daughter's forehead before willing herself to back away to look at the worry in her daughter's eyes. Nodding and brushing down the hair on either side of her round little face, Clara told her plainly, "Yes, John is going to be fine."
"Then I think I should tell him I'm not mad at him," she stated. "Maybe if I do, that would help his heart get better."
Clara nodded and ignored her own tears, telling the girl, "Yes, I think that would help him so much."
"Mummy," Maddie breathed, eyes widening just a touch.
"Yes, baby," Clara responded lightly.
"I'm not scared anymore."
Clara's eyes opened to the stillness of night and she listened as the phone rang shrilly beside her. For a moment she didn't understand what had happened. The dream had merely ended, giving way to the muted reality and her over-warm bed. Arm reaching out, she plucked the phone off the receiver and brought it slowly to her ear, swallowing and croaking out a simple, "Hello?"
"Clara," Rory gasped, voice thick with tears, taking in a ragged breath to say, "Maddie's awake."
Her body moved within a world of ice, swimming out of her sheets as the phone clattered to the ground, and pulling herself into her clothes before making her way to her father's flat to fetch him because she knew she'd be unable to drive, much less offer her vehicle commands to move. They drove through the darkness, patiently obeying traffic lights and speed limits in a sort of daze.
Maddie's awake.
Clara's hands wrung together in her lap and her eyes remained wide, staring out at the twinkling stars above them and the darkened buildings that sat underneath, growing taller as they got closer. She held her badge tightly as they walked through hallways that had become so familiar to her she could navigate them blind, and it registered a few steps outside of the coma ward that she couldn't feel her legs. Clara lifted her badge, watching it tremble within her pale shaky hand, and the door hissed as it released, allowing her entrance where she could see nurses standing about, hands clapped over tearful smiles as they parted to let her and her father through.
"Rory," Clara breathed, voice choked in her throat, seeing him emerge from the room.
He nodded and took her shoulders, steadying her. "She's not entirely all back yet, Clara. That's not how it works, I want you prepared," she nodded with him. "It'll all come back to her slowly, right now we're keeping the feeding tube in, giving her little bits of water to wet her throat, but she can't speak, can't follow commands, isn't entirely responding to voices." Rory squeezed her shoulders and ducked his head as she'd lowered hers, "Clara, it's normal, ok? Don't be afraid. We'll get her back the way she was soon."
She lifted her eyes to meet his and she managed a quiet, "Can I see her?"
He laughed, "Yes, Clara, of course you can see her."
Shifting aside, he lead her forward, offering her father a comforting pat on the man's shoulder before letting that hand fall back to Clara's as they moved towards the doorway. Clara closed her eyes and stopped, hand rising to grip the door as her head spun. She thought about every single time she'd ever entered the room to see her daughter sleeping; every time she'd entered to hope she'd wake; every time she'd entered to have that hope squashed. Taking a deep breath, she tried to register the weight of her legs underneath her to will them forward.
Maddie's awake.
Maddie's awake.
Maddie's awake.
Her right foot lifted and dropped lightly and then her left, and she rounded the corner and opened her eyes to find a set of nurses standing inside, checking vitals and typing at a computer and she looked to the girl who laid between them, her eyes giving a long blink at the ceiling before she took a deep breath and parted her lips to release it. Knees weak, Clara relied on Rory at her left and her father at her right, as they ushered her towards that bed where she began to cry quietly.
"Good morning, Maddie," she managed.
The thick brows that sat over her daughter's eyes lowered slightly, and then the corners of her lips lifted into the smallest of smiles. For a moment she stared up at the ceiling, and then her eyes turned to look at her and her mouth moved without words. Her own greeting of sorts, one Clara accepted because it was the most beautiful hello her daughter would ever give her. Hands reaching, Clara moved towards the bed and she carefully climbed into it, hearing the nurses heavy tears as she curled an arm underneath Maddie's neck and cradled her while pressing her face into her cheek.
Clara's quiet crying became ragged sobs as she felt the movements against her stomach, the little fingers that slowly swayed, weakened after so much time asleep. She kissed at her daughter's cheek and temple and she found that tiny hand, bringing it up to her lips several times before letting it rest into her palm, smiling down at it as Maddie tried to hold her. She breathed in her child, confident now she could one day rid her of the chemical smell of the hospital. Confident she would take her home and lay her in her bed and read her a story and watch her laugh. Confident she would bathe her in a tub of toys and listen to her beautiful voice and hold her tightly a thousand times each day.
She smiled and swallowed her tears, whispering as her father's hands rubbed at the girl's feet while he silently cried at the edge of the bed, "Everything is going to be different for a while, Maddie, you're almost like a baby again and there are some things you're going to have to relearn and maybe there'll be some things you never learn again, but that's ok because you're awake now and you're with mummy and I promise you, my sweet clever brave little girl," she bit back her tears, kissing her daughter and then watching her blink and shift her eyes to look at her, "I promise you I am right here and I will never let anyone hurt you again."
Clara laid her hand gently atop her stomach and she nestled herself in at her daughter's side, hugging her gently and listening as the nurses went back to their duties. She held her daughter's hand, thumb rubbing gently over her wrist, and she closed her eyes, listening to the deeper breaths the girl was taking, laughing when she felt the girl's head shift to rest against her neck and looking to her father as he rubbed at the bridge of his nose.
"Dad, she's awake," Clara breathed, still in a state of utter disbelief.
Dave huffed a breath and nodded, assuring her gently, "Yeah, Clara, she is."