I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT NOR DO I OWN JASON MRAZ.
CHAPTER 36
(Edward)
I rolled over in bed and shut my alarm off. I sat up on the edge of the bed and realized it was the date of the year anniversery of Jake's death. I grabbed my phone. Bella, just know that I am thinking about you and I love you very much. Call me if you need to talk-E. I sent the text then went to hop in the shower. I washed my hair thinking about Bella, knowing that this was going to be an emotionally hard day for her.
I dressed quickly and went in to get Matt up only to realize he was already up. "Morning daddy," He said getting clothes out of his drawer.
"Your up early, did you sleep good?"
"Yep," He said. "I'm getting to be a big boy."
"Yes you are. As soon as your dressed come down for breakfast."
"Ok," He said.
I grabbed my phone and realized I hadn't heard back from Bella yet, that was odd. Even if Jaycie was cranky she would respond to my text.
Realizing I still had 45minutes before I went to work, I went to the kitchen hoping mom was already up. I had a really uneasy feeling and couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly.
"Morning," Dad said sipping his coffee as mom came over to hand me mine.
"Morning," I said. "Is there anyway one of you could take Matt to school. I'm kind of worried about Bella."
"What has your worried?" Mom asked.
"Today is the year anniversery of Jake's death and I tried to text her this morning, but she never responded."
"I can take him on my way to work," Dad said.
"Did you try calling her?" Mom asked.
"No, but it's really not like her not to text me in the mornings. I think I'm just going to run over to her place and check on her."
"Okay, tell her we're thinking about her to," Mom said.
"I will."
I said goodbye to Matt telling him that grandpa was taking him to school. He loved it when grandpa took him, I found out not long ago on those morning he would take him for a donut before school. I didn't mind, he did that for us as kids to.
As I drove down the road I dialed Bella's number. "You have reached Bella, I'm probably with the kids or Edward. Leave me a message and I'll try to call you back."
"Hey love, it's me call me when you get this," I said and hung up. Something definitely wasn't right.
I stopped at the local bakery and bought two muffins and two coffees, then headed to Bella's. I was just turning onto her street when my phone rang. "Hello."
"Edward, it's Sue, is Bella with you?" She asked.
I immediately began to panic. "No, I haven't heard from her, I was headed to your house to check on her."
"Oh my God Charlie, she's not with him either," Sue said to Charlie.
I hung up on Sue pulling into the driveway and rushing into their house, muffins and coffee forgotten.
"Edward," Sue said coming over to me.
"Where's Jaycie?" I asked.
"I don't know, they are both gone. At first we thought she might have spent the night with you, but Charlie said he heard Jaycie cry in the night."
Charlie came into the livingroom. "Morning Edward. I just called the school, she hasn't shown up for work yet."
"I, um, I'm calling in. We'll find her Charlie," I said.
After calling in sick at work, I went back inside. Charlie was sitting on the couch going through his contact list or whatever as Sue paced the floor. "Has she ever done this before?" I asked.
"No, even after Jake died, she just stayed locked in her room," Charlie said.
"What can we do?" I asked.
"Um, I'm going to call the station and let them know. Sue stay here and wait here, Edward, um, I guess you and I will take the cars and drive around."
"I, I don't want to be alone," Sue said nervously.
"I'll call my mom," I said.
I went back outside dialing mom's number. "Hey Edward, how's Bella?"
"Um, is dad still there with Matt?" I asked.
"No, they just left. Why?" She asked.
"We don't know where Bella is," I said.
"Edward, what do you mean you all don't know where Bella is?" Mom asked slowly.
"She's not here, she's taken Jaycie and left. Charlie called the school, she's not there." I was trying to fight my emotions.
"How can I help?" She asked.
"Come over here and stay with Sue. Charlie and I are going to drive around looking for her."
"I'll be there, give me ten minutes," She said. "Just try to stay calm."
"Bella, where the hell are you?" I asked softly.
"Edward," Charlie said coming outside.
"Mom is coming over to stay with Sue," I said.
"Edward, why don't you head towards La Push, maybe she went up to the cemetery or to Emily and Sam's. I'll drive around town and look."
"Sounds like a plan, just keep me posted."
"I will and you do the same," He said. "I'll go in and tell Sue that Esme is coming over."
I got into the car and tried Bella's phone again, still went to voice mail after leaving yet another message I headed out of town. It didn't take long to pull into La Push, I drove up into the cemetery, but no one was there. "Seriously Bella, where are you?" I asked myself. "At least answer your phone."
I pulled out of the cemetery and headed over towards Emily and Sam's house. Jake's truck was there, but Sam's truck was gone. The only car that wasn't there was Bella's.
La Push wasn't a huge place, I took my time driving around all the small streets and even parked the car at the beach. It was cold outside and felt like it could snow. Surely Bella wasn't outside at the beach with Jaycie in this weather. She wasn't there.
I drove around La Push once more and headed back into Forks and drove around still not finding any sign of her. I drove past my house thinking just maybe she would have gone there, but no one was there. I was starting to panic. Where the hell was she?
My phone rang and I picked it up. "Hello."
"Edward, it's Charlie have you heard from her?"
"No Charlie, I haven't. I've been all over La Push, passed my house, I can't find them."
"I haven't heard anything either Edward. Now I don't want to freak you out but I just heard over the scanner that they are predicting a huge snow storm late this afternoon into tomorrow night."
"Hell Charlie, where could she be?" I asked.
"I don't know Edward, but lets try to keep our heads together and not panic."
"What do you suggest we do now?" I asked.
"Listen, it's almost 11am, come back to my house and lets regroup."
I didn't realize it was that late. "I'll be there in a few," I said and hung up.
The drive back to their house seemed to take forever, everything seemed to be going in slow motion except for my brain. Every worse case scenario was going through my head. I just couldn't imagine Bella taking Jaycie and leaving. Was she hurt? Did her car break down? Had she been in an accident? Where the hell was she?
I prayed that her car would be there when I got back, yet it went unanswered when I pulled in and found it still not there. I got out of the car and walked inside.
"Edward, any word from her?" Sue asked.
"Don't you think I would have called if I'd heard from her?" I snapped.
"Edward Anthony Cullen, do not talk to Sue that way, she just asked you a question!" Mom snapped.
"Sue, I'm sorry. No, I haven't heard from her. It's like she's vanished and Charlie said there's a huge snow storm coming."
"I don't get it, did something happen yesterday?" Mom asked.
"No, we talked after work and she said she was ok and that work had been great. She didn't seem any different," I said.
"Yeah, she seemed fine last night, talked about going to work and starting on her classroom project," Sue said.
The hours ticked by. I'd called Alice and told her what was going on and asked her if she could take Matt to our house. She was alarmed, but promised to take care of him and not tell him what was going on.
It was just after 4pm, we hadn't heard from Bella at all. Sue had called Emily's house and they hadn't heard from her or seen her. It was like they had vanished into thin air. Sue had been into their rooms and nothing out of the ordinary was gone. She'd packed the diaper bag, but nothing else.
I jumped when my phone rang. "Hello."
"Edward, this is Linda. I just got a call saying that they accepted your offer on the house."
My heart sank to my stomach, I hadn't even thought about the house. Where was Bella, we should be celebrating this. "That's great," I said trying to sound excited but failing miserably.
"Can you and Bella come in on Monday afternoon and sign papers?"
Could we? Would Bella be back? What if she wasn't? "Sure, we'll be there then."
I ended the call and threw my phone down on the table. The tears that I'd kept back came on full force. At that point, I don't know if they were tears out of fear, panic or anger. "Where the fuck are you!" I yelled slamming my fists down on the table.
"Edward, get a grip," Emmett said from behind me. I didn't even know he'd come in. "She'll be back."
"And what if she's not?"I yelled. "What if she took that little girl and left?"
"Edward, stop right now. I don't know where she is obviously, but I don't think she just took off never to return again."
"Sure as hell seems like it!" I yelled.
"Just know Rose and I are here for you. We drove around looking before we got here and didn't see her."
"Thanks," I said looking out the window at the snow that was falling. "Who all is here?"
"Your parents, her parents, Rose, me, you. I talked to Alice, she's worried, but Matt is having fun. She's going to take him for a walk in the snow."
"He'll like that," I said giving Emmett a small smiling.
"Come back to the livingroom, no sense in staying in here by yourself."
I followed him back to the other room. Sue was pacing, dad was sitting next to mom on the couch, who was biting her nails, something she only did when she was nervous. Charlie was staring out the window. Rose and Emmett stood anxiously by watching all of us.
"It's getting dark and the snow is really coming down Charlie," Sue said.
"I know that Sue, I just don't know what else to do. I've called the guys at the station and they are keeping their eyes and ear opened."
"And I've called the hospital to let them know. They said they would call if they were..."
"Dad I swear to God if you finish that sentence..." I yelled.
"Edward," Rose said walking over to me. "Yelling isn't going to bring her back any quicker."
"Dammit!" I yelled. "Where the fuck is she?"
"I don't know," Dad said.
At 7:30, the door opened and a very somber Bella walked in holding a sleeping Jayice. "Where have you been?" Charlie asked before I could get my mouth to open. "Do you not understand how worried sick we have all been about you?"
"My phone is dead," She said allowing Sue to talk Jaycie from her. "I'm tired and going to bed."
"What the hell Bella!" My dad exclaimed. "You leave the house early and you don't call or anything for hours at a time. What were you thinking?"
She just looked at him. "I can't do this right now."
"Bella, I know we started out bad, but let me just tell you that what you did was selfish. I get that today was really hard for you, but to just take Jaycie and leave not letting anyone know where you were when the weather was getting bad, was awful," Rose said.
Tears filled Bella's eyes, but she turned and walked down the hallway to her room. "Edward, go talk to her," Mom said softly.
I walked into her room and saw her standing there staring out the window, her arms wrapped around herself.
"I don't even know where to begin, because dammit I think I've felt every fucking emotion known to man and I haven't felt that in a long time. Bella, you scared the shit out of me."
"I Won't Give Up"
Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
"I'm sorry," She said softly.
"Where the hell were you?" I asked.
She wiped her eyes. "I just needed to get away."
"That's fine, but dammit, at least let someone know you and Jaycie are okay!"
"Edward, I just, I don't know, I just needed a break."
"From me, from us? What?" I asked.
"Everything!" She yelled.
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
"What the hell does that mean?" I yelled.
"I just needed time to think!"
"Bella, turn around and talk to me!" I yelled.
Her shoulders began shaking. "I just needed to clear my head and I never have a single moment to do that!"
"About us?" I asked.
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
"About us, the kids, you, me, everything."
This was beginning to remind me of a few weeks ago when she pushed me away. "Are you pregnant?"
She spun around. "Why the fuck would you ask me that?"
"The last time you thought you were you pushed me away, so just thought I would ask."
"No!" She yelled. "I'm just trying to catch my fucking breath!"
"What is that supposed to mean?" I yelled. "And stop talking in circles!"
"A year ago, I had just told everyone I was pregnant, I had Jake we were getting married. And then in the blink of an eye he was gone!" She yelled. "A year ago today he died! My life as I knew it was over. Then I gave birth, a few months later, I met you and Matt, had another pregnancy scare, we're talking about marriage, we're trying to buy a house. It's a lot!"
"What are you saying Bella?" I asked. "Are you trying to break up with me?"
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
She stopped and looked at me, tears streaming down her face. "No, I just needed some time to process everything."
"How can I help you?" I asked.
"I don't think you can. Things are just moving so fucking fast. Everytime I turn around I have a beautiful little boy begging me to let him call me mommy. And I've only known him for a few months."
"Do not bring Matt into this!" I yelled.
"Please just listen to me, I have all of these very strong feelings from my past life to my knew life and I just needed time to work through somethings." She took a deep breath. "And as far as Matt is concerned, it breaks my heart to tell him he can't call me mommy yet and to watch his face fall. I hate that Edward. I want nothing more than to have him running towards me with his arms open and him yelling mommy."
"And Bella, he will call you mommy," I said softly. "But you can't just take Jaycie and leave like that. No one knew where you were."
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I couldn't take my daughter anywere!" She yelled.
"Bella, there is a snow storm coming and it looks like it's going to be a bad one. What if you had driven off the road or what if you got stuck somewhere and we couldn't get to you?"
"I should have called and I'm sorry I didn't and that you were worried."
I walked closer to her and pulled her into my arms. Her body shook in my arms as I held her and for the first time all day I allowed my emotions to over take me. We stood there holding each other crying. "I'm so sorry," She cried. "So so sorry."
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
"Bella, I'm here love, please don't shut me out," I pleaded. She clung to me, gripping my shirt for all she was worth as her tears soaked my shirt. "I've got you angel."
"I just miss him," She cried.
"I know that love, I so know how you are feeling."
The wind picked up and the lights that had been flickering suddenly went out. "Shit," I muttered.
I held Bella to me and lead her through the dark house to where everyone was still at. Charlie already had a flash lights on and Sue was getting candles. "Edward, Bella, I think it would be best if you guys took Jaycie over to Esme and Carlisle's house," Charlie said.
"Why?" Bella asked softly.
"They have a fire place and can keep Jaycie warm," Sue said.
"Then you guys come to," I said.
"Edward, go a head and take Jayice to your place I'll come in the morning," Bella said.
"Listen, right now is not the time to be doing this. I'm not much for controlling the ones I love, but stop being so damned hard headed for once in your life and make it easy!" I snapped.
Bella stared at me, tears streaming down her face. "Come with me for a minute," Rose said taking one of the flash lights and leading Bella into the kitchen.
"What has she said?" Sue asked.
"Not much, she said she just needed to clear her head and do some thinking," I sighed.
(ROSE)
"Bella, what is going on with you?" I asked her. She shrugged and tried to look away, but I grabbed her shoulders and stared directly into her eyes. "He loves you!"
"I love him too," She whispered.
"He was worried sick about you all day long! You took Jaycie and left!"
"Yah, I gave birth to her, she's mine and I didn't do anything to hurt her!" She yelled.
"I'm not saying that you were going to, but Bella, to take off like that when the weather was getting bad, was not the smartest thing you could have done. What if you'd slid off into a ditch?" I asked. "What if you would have..." I couldn't finish it.
Bella stood in front of me shaking. "I feel really fucking guilty!"
"Guilty? For what?" I asked.
"He wanted to stay home with me that morning, I was sick as usual, but I told him to go and that I was going shopping with Sue. We argued over it, he told me he loved me and left. If only I had made him stay."
"If only those doctors would have found Lauren's cancer sooner, she might still be here. Bella, there are no guarentees. I don't know why you had to lose him or why Edward and Matt had to lose Lauren, it was a shitty hand that life dealt you, but look at what you have now. You have all of us who were worried sick about you today. We love you Bella!"
She started sobbing as I wrapped my arms around her. "Sh Bella, just cry it out." I whispered holding her.
"I feel guilty for missing him," She sobbed.
"Don't Bella, don't feel guilty."
"It still fucking hurts, what does it hurt so bad?" She cried.
"Because he was apart of you, you have his baby, it's only been a year, there are many reasons it still hurts, but it's going to be okay. In time you will be okay."
"What do I do?" She cried.
"Let Emmett and I take you guys to mom and dad's house. Then you and Edward need to talk."
"I don't want to hurt him," She whimpered.
I shook my head. "He's stronger than he looks, however, today hurt him."
"Will he forgive me?" She cried.
"Yes Bella, but lets get you guys over there. You can talk and reconnect with him."
"Thanks Rose," She said wiping her eyes.
"You're welcome Bella," I said giving her another hug.
We walked back into the livingroom and Edward pulled her into his arms. "We've decided that everyone is coming back to our house for the night," Dad said.
"What about Matt?" Bella asked. "Where is he?"
"He's with Alice and Jasper, Emmett is picking him up tomorrow morning," Edward explained to her.
(EDWARD)
The ride to my house was slow, the wind was blowing and snow was falling hard. Bella sat next to me trembling, but she didn't say anything. Rose would glance back at us every so often and smile.
Jaycie started to fuss in her carseat. "We're almost home sweetheart," I said holding her tiny hand.
"When did she eat last?" I asked Bella.
"A couple hours ago," She said quietly.
"It's okay sweet girl, we'll get you a bottle when we get home," I told her.
Emmett pulled up into our driveway followed by our parents. Bella quietly opened her door and got out. We watched her walk up the steps. "She'll be okay," Rose whispered.
"She's barely speaking to me," I sighed.
"Edward, we'll take care of Jaycie tonight, you take care of her," Emmett said.
"I don't know if I know how to reach her," I said.
"Take her upstairs and put her in bed, don't push her to talk or anything else, just hold her. She will talk when she's ready," Rose said.
We all went inside and Bella headed to the kitchen. "Honey, lets go to bed," I said.
She shook her head. "Jaycie needs a bottle first."
"Rose and Emmett offered to take care of her tonight," I said.
Her shoulders slumped. "Fine, I'm going to get a drink, I'll be up in a bit."
Mom found the flashlights while dad started the fire. "I think you should all make beds down here tonight, you might be warmer," Dad said.
"We're going to keep Jaycie down here with us while Edward and Bella go upstairs to talk," Rose said.
"Will you be warm enough?" Mom asked.
"Don't worry mom, Edward will keep her warm enough upstairs, they'll be sweating in no time," Emmett said.
Charlie growled. "Emmett, with all do respect, that is my daughter you are talking about."
"Sorry sir," Emmett said.
"You are forgiven," Charlie said glaring at him.
"Edward," Bella said softly. "I'm going upstairs."
"Okay love," I said.
I was shocked when Bella actually stripped all of her clothes off and got into bed naked. "Our body heat will keep us warm," She explained. I followed her lead and we climbed into bed. Even with her body pressed against mine, she still seemed distant. I curled up against her and wrapped my arm around her.
The silence was deafening, we'd laid there for what seemed like forever and neither of us said anything.
I closed my eyes silently praying that she would be okay.
"I didn't mean to scare you today and I should have called," She whispered. I opened my eyes and reached for her hand squeezing it gently. "At first, I was just going to head to the cemetery, but decided last minute to take Jayc. I told Jake about her and about us, I even told him about Matt. Leaving the cemetery was hard and I couldn't leave her and go to work, so we headed to Port Angeles for the day. I just needed sometime to get my thoughts together."
"Did you call the school?" I asked.
"I did, once I got to Port A, it was after that phone call that my phone died. I just hoped that you would know I was okay, but I was wrong."
"I'll be honest, I was angry and scared. I knew today would be hard and really hoped that you would turn to me."
She rolled over and looked at me. "I feel guilty sometimes. I feel like I should only love Jake since he is Jaycie's dad. Sometimes I feel like I have to stop caring for him."
"Bella, I don't want you to stop caring for him or stop loving him. He was a huge part of your life and you didn't get the chance to say good bye to him."
"When we were at the hospital I couldn't go back and see him, dad had to do that. I think I thought that if I didn't seem him lying there it would be easier and I could move on. I regret that now, maybe it would have helped finalize it and make it real."
I wiped her tears away. "Bella, seeing him might have made it more real, but there would still be all the denial."
"Dad said he was pretty banged up."
"Then it was probably better you didn't see him, now you can remember what he looked like when he was alive."
"I hadn't thought of it that way," She said.
"I remember looking at Lauren the day she died. She was pale, her hair was mostly gone, she just looked so tired and sick. We made everyone leave and I held her begging her to stay as she begged me to let her go. How do you let your solemate go? She begged me to go on and find someone who would love me and Matt as much as she did."
"How did you do it?" Bella asked. "How did you let her go?"
"At first I didn't, but I couldn't stand there watching her suffer. I held her telling her how much I loved her, in the end she died in my arms."
"Were you alone?" Bella asked tears streaming down her face.
"No, dad knew she wasn't going to make it much longer, so he sat by quietly supporting us in his way."
"Do you think it would have been easier if I would have gotten to say goodbye?" She cried.
I hesitated. "Yes," I said carefully. "You two were preparing for Jaycie, you were looking forward to having him there when you felt her move, all the doctor appointments and even the birth. You were looking forward to a future with him. When Lauren found out she had cancer we had time to plan and things looked hopeful until it came back and there was no hope. We had a little time to get things done, but you never fully prepare, because in the back of your mind, things will work out."
"Either way it still hurts huh?" She asked.
I nodded. "Death sucks."
"Are we okay?" More tears fell from her eyes.
I leaned over and kissed her on the head. "We've always been okay."
"I need you Edward," She cried.
"Bella, I."
"Please, I just need to feel you."
Bella rolled onto her back and I climbed on top of her. "How do you want this?" I asked brushing her tears awary with my thumbs.
"I don't care, I just need you," She whimpered wrapping her arms and legs around me. I slid into her setting a slow pace.
Bella pulled my mouth down to hers, her tongue slid into my mouth as she gripped my hair. We met thrust for thrust, her moans filling the room. "Sh love, they'll hear us," I breathed.
"I don't care, feels good," She gasped.
"I love you Bella."
"I love you Edward, you'll never know."
Sweat poured down our bodies as we continued moving together. I could feel Bella clawing my back, she was close to drawing blood, but it felt too good.
"Edward," She gasped, her body was trembling in my arms. She reached down between us rubbing her clit. Her face contorted in a mixture of pleasure. I picked up speed, her mouth found my neck and she began licking and sucking on. Suddenly she bit down and I lost all control falling down on top of her.
We rolled still tangled together as her eyes fluttered close. "Hey Bella," I whispered.
Her eyes fluttered open. "What?"
"If you ever feel the need to just leave, please tell. I wont beg to come with you, I just want to know you are okay."
She looked me dead in the eyes. "I'll tell you."
"Sleep my love, I'll be here in the morning."
She kissed me and drifted off to sleep.
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