First off, I just want to apologize from the bottom of my heart for the incredibly long gap between the last chapter and this one. All I can offer in explanation is the fact that I got so caught up in Lost and the real Sawyer and Kate that when I had time to be at the computer, I only wanted to be on Lost-Forum and looking for spoilers. I couldn't seem to concentrate on writing my version. But now that we're in hiatus again, I've got my writing mojo back, and I plan to finish the fic (three more chapters after this one) before the show returns in February. If you know anyone who's given up on me ever updating again, please help me spread the word that there's a new chapter... I'd hate to lose anybody who's made it this far. I value each and every reader. And thank you so much for reviewing!
Chapter 37
There was just enough gray morning light seeping around the edges of the closed curtains for Kate to be able to see by. She considered getting out of bed, but then decided against it. The air of the room against her face felt cold and uninviting, and their bodies had created a delectable warm haven underneath the covers. So instead, she rolled over onto her side and prepared to indulge in a luxury that she very rarely allowed herself - watching Sawyer sleep.
It was a rare activity, for one thing, because there'd simply never been much time for it. Their lives over these past few weeks of travel had been lived at such a frantic pace that waking up in the morning was more of a chore than a romantic ritual to be enjoyed. But more important than the lack of time was Kate's uneasy sense that there was something far too intimate about watching someone else sleep. It was an act of possession, and for a long time, even after knowing and accepting exactly how far she'd fallen in love, she'd been afraid of what such an act meant. She'd been afraid of possessing, and she'd been afraid of being possessed. But last night, when she'd allowed Sawyer to slip that tiny gold band onto her finger, the fear had uncoiled itself from around her and drifted away like smoke. As far as she could tell, there were no vestiges of it remaining.
So now, she settled comfortably back into the pillow and allowed herself to look at him. He was lying on his back, as usual, with one arm flung out to the side and the other resting on his midsection. His right hand lay palm upwards, almost as if he were waiting for something to be placed in it. Kate let her eyes linger on his long, tapering fingers and slightly callused palm before traveling up the length of his arm to his chest, still compact and well-muscled despite the fact that he hadn't had any excuse to swing an axe for awhile now. She continued on to his neck and cheeks, where she reminded herself once again that she would have to talk to Alicia about finding a razor around here somewhere. But even the scruffy beard growth couldn't detract from the expression on his face, and that was her favorite part about this secret scrutiny. His face only looked this way when he was asleep, and though she'd seen it quite a few times by now, she never felt that she was familiar enough with it to want to stop looking.
It was the face of a much younger man that he presented while he slept, and not just younger in years, but younger in experience and suffering. The creased lines of his brow smoothed out into an even, blank canvas where it seemed the pain of loss hadn't yet laid its brush, and that pleated wrinkle at the bridge of his nose which always signified irritation or sadness was flat and tranquil now. The veined, almost transparent skin of his eyelids rested without a trace of a squint, and his jaw was unclenched and relaxed. His entire face seemed to radiate an aura of peacefulness and repose, as well as a kind of innocence that never failed to fascinate Kate, even while it awakened her compassion and tenderness. When he was sleeping, he was only James, and not Sawyer.
How many women had seen him like this? Probably more than she'd care to know about, she imagined. But still, she didn't think any of that really counted. Because they hadn't known him. Not the way she did, at least. And so they couldn't possibly know what it meant to see him this way. She wondered idly if he ever watched her sleep, and if he did, what did she look like to him? It was one of those questions that she would probably never know the answer to.
Leaning up onto her elbow now to peer down at him, she thought back to the earlier times when she'd done this. The first was after he'd been stabbed in the arm, and she'd hung around to keep an eye on him, all the while trying to figure out what his letter meant. Even then, when he was still practically a stranger, she'd seen something in his face while he slept that she'd felt the need to reach out to, to search for beneath the layers of bitterness and suavity that he kept it buried under while awake. The time after that, they'd been out in the jungle together, and she'd witnessed the nightmare overtake him, the approaching signs of which she'd recognized all too well. The third time, and the one she remembered with the most fondness, was that first morning in Tennessee, after she'd written out a grocery list and then silently entered his room and sank down onto the foot of his bed. That time, she'd intended to wake him up, but once she began to watch him sleep, she'd found to her surprise that she didn't have the heart to. So she'd simply crossed her legs underneath her and waited, without making a sound, for it to happen on its own.
Now, as then, he seemed to have some kind of peripheral awareness of what was going on, because it wasn't long before he began to stir, making the motions of someone coming up out of sleep. He grimaced a little, pursing his lips and bringing one hand up to rub at his eyes while he blinked heavily a few times and rolled over onto his side, facing Kate. He seemed to need a few seconds to remember where he was, and how they'd come to be here. She smiled a bit at his disorientation, understanding it perfectly. Even though she'd been awake for awhile, it was still hard for her to absorb the fact that he was really with her again, and that the news he'd given her last night was true. How could something she'd wanted so badly actually turn out to be real? It still didn't seem possible.
She waited until he appeared to have a handle on the course of events that had brought them both here, watching the memory slowly filter into his awareness before she spoke. "Hey."
He gave her a small smile with raised eyebrows, shifting a bit on the pillow. "Hey, yourself." His voice was still husky with sleep.
Then they simply looked at each other without moving, their heads on the pillows separated by only a few feet of distance. A sort of tentative shyness seemed to settle over them, an occurrence that they weren't at all used to. Sawyer lowered his eyes a little, and Kate bit her bottom lip, still smiling. Everything felt new this morning.
"We snowed in, Freckles?"
She looked over toward the curtained window, then back at him. "I don't know," she answered sleepily. "Why don't you go look?"
He gave her a sly grin, not accepting the challenge. "Why don't you go look?"
"We'll both go," she offered. "Count of three. One... two..." She paused after two, then went on to the final number. "Three." Neither one of them moved a muscle.
"You didn't get up," she said.
"Neither did you."
Smiling, she pulled herself over to him and leaned onto his chest, the covers slipping down to her waist. "Let's just assume for argument's sake that we are snowed in." Before he could answer, she kissed him.
When she leaned back, he traced his fingers lightly over the line of her collarbone, reveling in the presence of her. Then he let his eyes roam up to the ceiling and around the room, contemplative. "Sorry about the white trash honeymoon," he told her in a jokingly regretful tone.
She laughed a little. "It's not bad, for a trailer."
"It ain't Hawaii, though."
In response to this, she tucked her head under his chin and relaxed against him. "We don't need Hawaii," she whispered contentedly.
After a few seconds of silence, she felt herself rise slightly and then sink again as he took a deep breath prior to speaking. "So what now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are we goin' on up to that preserve? Or are we gonna take our chances back down south?" She recognized the way he tried to keep his voice light and casual, even though it was a weighty topic. "We got options now, don't forget."
"Options," she repeated, the word strange to her. "I don't really know what to do with options." Raising up again, she spoke close to his lips. "Here's an idea, though. Let's start with breakfast. Then we'll just... go from there."
"Sounds like a plan," he said. Then he added, raising his eyebrows mischievously, "You gonna cook?"
She pretended to be shocked. "I have a sprained ankle."
"Oh, so now you're gonna play the ankle card," he teased her. "I see how it is. Only when it's convenient, right?"
"I thought you wanted to take care of me."
With a roguish look, he ran his hands down her midsection to her hips, giving her a quick tug that brought her even closer against him. "I got better ways to take care of you than breakfast, sweetheart," he muttered suggestively into her ear.
Kate closed her eyes as he began kissing her neck, his hands moving up underneath the white t-shirt that was the only article of clothing she wore. She shifted against him, her pulse already speeding up as he nipped lightly along her shoulder, but then she suddenly pulled back with a modest grimace. "Sawyer, wait," she told him. "I have to pee."
"I love it when you talk dirty to me," he mumbled into her skin, clearly amused.
Giggling, she climbed over him and slid off the edge of the bed. "I'll be right back."
He watched her disappear toward the bathroom, crossing his arms behind his head in a patient gesture. Then, glancing toward the window, he kicked the covers away and stood up, moving nearer and pulling the curtains back curiously. As he'd expected, and as he'd somewhat hoped, the snow drifts lay deep against the side of the mobile home and everything else within sight. The sky was still gray, and light flakes dusted down halfheartedly, but it seemed the real storm was over. The entire world within his field of vision was a uniform white, save for one distracting flare of red at a distance of a few yards. As he squinted and looked closer, he saw that this tiny patch of red, barely tall enough to peek above the snow, was moving doggedly toward their door, plowing through the drifts with almost comical persistence.
"Think we really are at the North Pole, Freckles!" he hollered back toward the bathroom. "Looks like we got ourselves an elf comin' to visit."
"What?" Her confused response was muffled by the closed door.
"Could be a midget," he said to himself, wryly, still looking out with interest.
When the mysterious small red bundle reached the steps, he moved to open the door, letting it inside along with a gust of freezing wind and snowflakes. By the time he had it shut, he could see that what stood in front of him was actually a little girl, wrapped up within an inch of her life in thick winter clothing. Her arms stuck out from her sides like a penguin's, and the only section of face visible was her eyes. As he watched, she unwound a scarf with great effort, yanked off a hat and then another hood underneath that, letting a cascade of tangled blonde hair spill out. She then pulled off two sets of gloves and tried with futility to unzip her coat, the collar of which came up over her mouth.
Seeing that she wasn't having much luck, Sawyer reluctantly kneeled and caught the zipper himself, pulling it down for her.
"Thanks," the little girl said, out of breath. Her eyes shone with expectation. "Is Kate here?"
Sawyer settled back onto the edge of the bed, not sure what to make of this strange encounter. "I'm afraid she's indisposed at the moment," he said, cocking his head a little to the side.
"What does that mean?" the girl asked, puzzled.
With a scoff, Sawyer raised his hand and then let it fall back into his lap, helplessly. "It means she's in the bathroom, Punky Brewster."
"My name is Grace," she corrected him. "Who are you?"
"I'm the butler," Sawyer told her, beginning to enjoy this exchange.
Grace looked him up and down, skeptically. "No you're not."
"Oh, really?" He tilted his chin up, questioning her. "And how do you know that?"
She cast a pointed glance at his too-large boxer shorts. "Because you're not wearing any pants."
He looked down, a bit annoyed at being bested by a pre-schooler. "Well, maybe I'm the kinda butler that don't wear pants. You ever think of that?"
She continued to size him up, in that pendulous moment of fate in which a child decides whether she's going to like someone or not. Sawyer waited a bit tensely, wondering why he cared. Then Grace gave him a genuine smile of affection. "You're funny," she said with a wrinkle of her nose.
Just then, Kate came back into the room. "Hi, Grace."
Jubilant, the girl ran to her. "Look!" she demanded, proudly raising her lip as far as she could toward her gum line.
"You lost a tooth?" Kate asked with a smile, noticing the gap.
"Yep! This morning. It didn't hurt at all." She reached into her pocket and withdrew a folded piece of paper. "And I brought your horse picture back. Sorry I said you couldn't have it."
Kate reached out and took the page, careful to keep it from tearing. "That's okay. I'm glad you changed your mind."
Sawyer finally spoke up again. "You gonna introduce me to your friend, Freckles?"
"Of course," she said gallantly, leading Grace forward. "This is Mark and Alicia's daughter. Grace, this is Sawyer. He's my..." she hesitated just long enough for the little girl to interrupt.
"Butler?"
Kate looked at Sawyer while he smirked at her over the top of the girl's head. "Is that what he told you?" she asked with a slight roll of the eyes.
"Uh-huh. But I didn't believe him," Grace added. "Because butlers wear pants."
"You're a smart girl," Kate assured her.
"Can you come over again and play with me?" she pleaded now, grabbing Kate's hand and leaning back so she could stare straight up at her with a hopeful expression.
She started to say yes, but then wondered if Sawyer would be hurt or annoyed by her leaving him alone, even briefly, so soon after they'd just been reunited. And especially when they'd been about to have pre-breakfast sex. Come to think of it, she wasn't too keen on leaving either. She decided to bring him into the conversation. "I'm not sure, Grace," she said, as if the choice didn't rest with her. "You'll have to ask him."
The little girl turned to Sawyer, not seeming at all surprised by this. "Can she?"
"Well, now..." he said, pretending to consider the matter seriously. "I don't know about that. She's on probation."
"What's that?" Grace asked in awe, apparently not familiar with the term. Kate tried to keep from laughing.
"It means..." Sawyer said, feeling silly but playing along anyway. "She's in trouble."
"Why?"
"Because..." He looked to Kate for help, but she only smiled and waited, refusing to offer any assistance. He finally seemed to hit on a response that suited him, and he told Grace with an air of finality, "She didn't cook breakfast. That's why."
Kate worked hard to assume a sheepish expression as Grace turned back to her.
"Can't you just cook it now, and then we can go to my house?" the girl asked, trying to find a solution that would suit all three of them.
"Knock, knock!" a woman's voice suddenly called from the front door, as it blew open with a gust of wind and then was firmly shut again. Alicia pulled her own wool hat away from where it had fallen over her eyes, scanning the room. "There you are!" she said accusingly, spotting her daughter. "I'm so sorry... I tried to keep up with her, but she just went on ahead without me." She looked from Kate to Sawyer, now noticing that they were barely clothed. "I hope she didn't... interrupt anything," she finished, awkwardly.
"Not at all," Kate reassured her. "We were just waking up, actually. It's nice to sleep late for a change."
Alicia smiled, and then suddenly caught sight of the wedding band on Kate's finger, knowing with a woman's attention to detail that it hadn't been there yesterday. "Oh," she said in a strange voice. "I didn't realize you two were married."
"Yeah," Kate said, looking at Sawyer. She'd only meant to glance at him, but she found she couldn't look away. "We are," she said in a soft voice, giving him a meaningful smile. Finally, she turned back to Alicia, a little embarrassed.
"How nice," Alicia replied, her words sounding oddly hollow. Her manner was completely different than it had been before Sawyer arrived, and Kate had an uneasy feeling about what might be the cause. She remembered how simple it had been to let the older woman think that she was a victim, running from her abuser. At the time, it had seemed like the perfect story. But she could now predict that it was only going to complicate a situation that was already complicated enough.
"Well...," Alicia continued, as if getting down to business. "I imagine you'd probably like to do some laundry. There's a washer and dryer over in the lounge.. that's where the miners congregate when they're not working. There's also plenty of food in storage. Just ask for Curtis... he's in charge of all that. He'll get you anything you need."
"Thank you," Kate repeated. "It's so nice of you to let us stay here. I can't tell you how much I... we both..," she corrected, "appreciate it."
"It's no problem at all," Alicia said. Then, as if forcing herself, she turned to Sawyer, speaking in a politely strained voice. "I'm sure you must be exhausted, after your hike over from the logging road."
"Tell you the truth, I never felt better in my life," he said affably with his trademark charming smile. "Guess it's because I finally found what I was lookin' for." He gave Kate a pointed stare. "And I ain't lettin' her outta my sight again." They smiled at each other, but Alicia didn't seem pleased.
"I see," she said with reserve. A tense silence followed.
Grace stepped in front of her mother, trying to enlist her sympathy. "Kate can't come over and play because she's in trouble. She didn't cook breakfast."
Feeling a blush creep to her cheeks immediately, Kate laughed. "Grace, honey, he was just teasing you about that. I'm not really in trouble." She looked at Alicia, now seeing how their silly little act could be misinterpreted to Sawyer's disadvantage.
Sawyer winked at the little girl, playfully. "Gotta learn to take a joke, munchkin."
Seeming increasingly troubled, Alicia changed the subject. "How's the ankle?"
"It's good as new," Kate said, more chipper than she needed to be.
"Or at least it would be if she'd quit standin' around on it," Sawyer piped up in a mock-frustrated tone, hooking his arm around her waist and yanking her gently back onto the edge of the bed with him. Although this was the same kind of adorably stubborn protective gesture she had grown accustomed to from him, at the moment, Kate could have kicked him for it. It only made things worse.
Alicia gave Sawyer a look of barely restrained distaste, and then forced herself to break her stare. "Well, we'll leave you two alone. I just wanted to stop by and let you know about the facilities." She turned her attention to Kate now, her voice growing urgent with solicitude and concern. "If you need anything at all... anything... we're just right up the hill." She added with emphasis, "Practically within shouting distance."
Desperate for this awkward encounter to be at an end, Kate responded with a simple and heartfelt, "Thank you."
Alicia turned to her daughter. "Come on, Gracie."
"I want to stay!"
"Don't argue with me," she said firmly, taking her hand and gathering up all the discarded clothing items from the floor. Chastened by her mother's unusual mood, Grace didn't continue to whine.
"I'll come and visit later, I promise," Kate said as the girl was pushed out the door.
Alicia turned back, once more. "Don't forget what I said." She glanced at Sawyer quickly, then gave Kate a pointed nod before closing the door behind her.
Sawyer's expression was one of baffled amusement. "What the hell was that about?"
"What do you mean?"
"She seems awful damn neighborly for someone you just met day before yesterday."
Kate shrugged, seemingly unconcerned. "I didn't notice." Turning back to him, she pushed on his chest until he gave in to her demands and let himself fall back onto the mattress again. She straddled him with her knees and leaned over him with a wicked smile, letting her hair drape itself across his face. "Now, where were we?" she whispered.
He slid his hands down to her waist, rubbing circles on her stomach through the fabric of the shirt. "Right about here, wasn't it?"
"Hmm..." she said, in-between kisses. She grasped his hands and repositioned them underneath the shirt. "I think it was more like, here."
"I believe you're right," he agreed in a low growl, pulling her closer again and forgetting for the moment that there were any people on the planet other than her.
Over the next few days, they didn't leave the trailer much more than was necessary. The snow provided a welcome excuse to stay put, and they took full advantage of it, lavishing attention on each other, trying to make up in quality for the sheer quantity of hardships they'd had to face. It was a charmed interval that reminded Kate, vaguely, of those few perfect weeks after they'd first accepted the notion of some kind of relationship, back in the fall, at Sawyer's house. They'd come a long way since then, it was true - a long way in both literal distance, and in emotional miles. But the sense of newness was similar, the feeling of euphoria that surrounded them like a bubble, making them live entirely in the present without regard to past or future.
They spent the majority of every day in bed, and another large portion in the shower. Delighted by the sheer abundance of food at their disposal after hovering near the brink of starvation, they tried to cook things that they had no idea how to cook. Some of these experiments turned out well, others were nowhere near edible, but all of the efforts were enjoyed equally. They managed to get their hands on a radio that only picked up one station, and to their surprise, they found that one station was all they needed. Kate also discovered, in the back of a closet and hidden underneath a sheet, a stack of dirty magazines left behind by the trailer's previous occupant. She reluctantly revealed her find to Sawyer, and to enable them both to enjoy the stash, he flipped through them all with a studious, critical air, comparing each naked woman unfavorably to Kate while she laughed in approval.
When they were tired of being cooped up indoors, they went for short walks around the mining camp and down to the lake, sometimes alone, and sometimes with Grace acting as their enthusiastic tour guide. The little girl became a frequent visitor to the trailer, although Alicia usually arrived soon after to collect her, unwilling to let her stay for long intervals. At first, Sawyer assumed the woman was just an overprotective and slightly paranoid mother, but her behavior wasn't the only strange thing about this place. More and more, their happy bubble was penetrated by his growing sense that something was off, and Kate's frequent denials and attempts to change the subject only made him more suspicious. The husband, Mark, returned home from Seattle after two days had passed, and his attitude was as inscrutable as his wife's. The two of them hovered over Kate as if she were their daughter, and not someone they'd only met a few days ago. At one point, in the middle of a tickling frenzy that drew delighted yelps from Kate, their horseplay was interrupted by an alarmed pounding at the door, and Mark was only reluctantly convinced that everything was okay, and no assistance was required.
The miners, as well, seemed to regard him with a bizarre antipathy. At first, he'd simply chalked it up to the fact that they were jealous. After all, he had a young, gorgeous woman with him, all to himself, and these poor saps had nobody at all to keep them warm in this godforsaken wilderness. But the level of suspicion and animosity with which some of them viewed him seemed to go far beyond mere envy, and the source of it remained an enigma to him. In an effort to figure it out once and for all, he accepted a grudgingly extended invitation to a poker game towards the end of the week. Kate seemed to be all for it, telling him that it would be good for him to hang out with other men for a change. She had a backache anyway, she said, and she just wanted to lie on a heating pad and do nothing. So at around seven in the evening on Friday night, he headed over to the lounge, promising her a massage when he returned later.
Kate remained stretched out for awhile on the bed, listening to the nightly news broadcast on the radio, enjoying the fact that she didn't have to worry about hearing her name pop up on it anymore. She considered making some dinner, but the heat on her back felt too good, and she hovered near sleep. She was getting incredibly impatient with not being in top physical form, but she knew that she should probably resign herself to it for the next few months. It wasn't easy, because she had a record of almost perfect health, and she was accustomed to looking down on people who let sickness or mild injuries slow them up. If there was anything to be grateful for, she supposed it was the fact that the morning sickness had only bothered her for a few weeks, and hadn't returned once. She considered herself the undisputed victor in that case.
Much sooner than she'd anticipated, she heard steps outside, and the door swung open and then slammed shut. She opened her eyes to see Sawyer standing there, his expression dark and somewhat ashamed. His lip was swollen, and there was a small gash above his right temple that trickled blood down his cheek in a thin stream.
Kate sat up slowly, suppressing a weary sigh. "You've got to be kidding me."
He glared at her. "There any chance you could just skip the disgusted performance for once, and go get the damn peroxide?"
She watched him for a second, but then looked away and moved toward the kitchenette. He followed her and dropped heavily down at the tiny table. She drew up a chair next to him and, without a word, poured some of the peroxide onto a cotton ball and began to dab it onto the cut. He made a face at the sting, but stoically didn't move away.
"How do you do it, Sawyer?" she couldn't resist asking, shaking her head in mild bemusement.
"How do I do what?" he muttered with scorn, knowing exactly what she meant.
She picked up a new cotton ball. "If there were only five people left on the planet, you would manage to pick a fight with three of them."
"Well, just as long as I get to sleep with the other two, I reckon I'll make out just fine," he replied sarcastically. Then he paused, thinking about this. "Wait, they're not all guys, right?
She smiled a little, not answering. "So what happened? Someone refuse to pay up?"
"Somethin' like that." His voice was evasive, testing her.
She dropped her gaze and tried to sound casual. "Was it about me?"
"You think every fight I get in has to concern you?"
She lifted her eyebrows wryly, and he glanced away in annoyance, knowing that the answer to this was a resounding Yes.
"Did someone make an inappropriate comment?" she pressed him, peeling the sticky wrapping from a tiny adhesive bandage. "Tell me. I can take it. I'm sure I've heard worse."
He watched her for a few seconds, closely. "You want to tell me what the hell is going on up here?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, smoothing the bandage over the cut while trying to keep his hair out of the way. He waited until she was finished.
"I think you do," he said in a low voice. "So why don't you just cut the crap for once and explain to me why every single person up here on this damn glacier except the little girl seems to think I'm kin to Hannibal Lecter. Or why I just got accused of stealin' a gun from a house I ain't ever been in." He continued to grow more irate as he talked. "Because I got to tell you sweetheart, I'm used to people not likin' me much. But it usually only happens after they get to know me a little. I got guys up here givin' me dirty looks who I ain't even met."
Kate listened to this, taking it in with regret. She gathered up the first-aid materials, shaking her head. "I can't believe she told them," she said under her breath.
"Told them what?" he demanded.
Moving toward the counter, she took her time placing the kit back inside the cabinet before she answered him. With a heavy sigh, she finally spoke. "There's a chance... that some of these people might be under the impression... that you're abusive." She stopped, and then added, unnecessarily, "To me."
"What?" His face registered so much bewilderment that it would have been funny if she wasn't so miserable about it. "And why the hell would they think that?"
"Well, look at the evidence," she said. "When I showed up here, I was in terrible shape. I was unconscious, I had a busted ankle... bruises and scrapes all over me."
"You fell down a damn ravine!" he shouted defensively.
Her next words were quieter. "I also had a handprint on my face. Your handprint."
She could see that this affected him, even though she hadn't wanted it to. "You were gettin' ready to hurl yourself into a fire," he hissed. "You had this zombie look in your eyes that scared me half to death... what the hell was I supposed to do? Watch you kill yourself?"
"I know why you did it, Sawyer," she said, trying to make him understand that she wasn't accusing him of anything. "You saved my life! You think I don't know that? But how can I explain something like that to them?" She waited for an answer, but none came. "She knew I was running from somebody. I couldn't deny that. And... she made her own assumptions about who it was. I thought I was leaving the next day. It made more sense to just... let her think she was right. I had no idea you'd ever show up here."
"Yeah, well, sorry to ruin your perfect cover story," he spat with contempt.
"Stop it," she in a low, cold tone, trying not to cry. She looked around helplessly. "I can't believe we're actually fighting about this. I thought you of all people would agree that I did the right thing. Can't you understand why it's better this way?"
"Better to let them think that I beat you?" he asked, incredulous.
"We're not gonna be here much longer," she argued, coming closer to him again. "A few more days at the most. Trying to explain the truth now... it's not worth it. After everything we've been through... when we're finally free... How can you ask me to do that? It's safer this way. You know it is."
He refused to look at her, and she sat down next to him again, putting her hand over his. "Look. I don't like it either, okay? But what difference does it really make what they think? They don't know you. But I do. I know the truth... and I know that you would never hurt me," she said, her voice shaking now. "Isn't that all that matters?"
Now he finally met her eyes again, her expression silently pleading with him not to press her any further, to drop it and let her continue to live her lie this one last time. She could see how disappointed he was in her, and his disappointment pierced her to the quick. Her own defense rang somewhat hollow in her ears, and she knew that the truth, deep-down beneath the logical reasoning, was that she simply didn't want to face up to her actions, didn't want to take responsibility, didn't want to be seen as the bad one. If she had something to hide behind, then she would hide behind it. The same old story. And he knew it as well as she did. Yet neither one of them said anything about it.
After an agonizing wait, she could see him giving in. He was going to do what she wanted, what she was desperately asking of him, even though there was a part of her that wished he wouldn't. "Yeah," he agreed in a somewhat defeated tone. "That's all that matters." He stood up, and she tried to convince herself that she had no reason to feel guilty.
"You come across any aspirin in this place, by any chance?" he asked, sounding tired.
"I haven't seen any."
"Then I think I'll just try to get some sleep." He turned to head back toward the bedroom area.
"Hey," Kate stood up, wanting to find some way to make it up to him, even though it wasn't really possible. "Alicia says the snow's melted enough to drive to this little village, over the border in Alaska. There's only about 800 people who live there, and it's a two-and-a-half hour drive, but she said there's a couple stores, a restaurant. You want to go with her tomorrow?"
Sawyer gave her an ironic motion of his head. "Love to, honeybunch, but somethin' tells me I'm probably not invited."
"I can ask..." she began.
"Don't bother," he said harshly. "Night."
"Sawyer." She swallowed back tears.
He turned toward her, questioningly, but the expression on his face was so unwelcoming of anything she might say that the words died in her throat.
"Good night," she muttered. He went into the other room. She sat back down at the table, by herself.
Sawyer didn't know what time it was when he woke up, but he knew that the bright lamp that had been switched on at the side of the bed likely had something to do with his reluctant struggle up out of sleep. He squinted against the light, already fighting a headache, and looked around in confusion.
Kate was sitting in a chair by the window, her legs drawn up to her chest, her chin resting on her knees. She was staring at the floor, rocking back and forth just a tiny bit. And there was something about the look on her face that scared the hell out of him.
He sat up, immediately wide awake. "What's wrong?"
It took a few seconds for her to respond, and when she did, she didn't move her gaze. "I, um... I got up to use the bathroom, and..." She stopped, and he waited, anxiously. "I'm sure it's probably nothing..." She stopped again, swallowing hard. "But there's some bleeding."
His mouth suddenly felt dry. "Bleeding where?"
Now she looked up at him, sharply. "Where do you think?"
He didn't say anything. He had no idea what to say. But she seemed to be waiting for something. "Does anything hurt?" he finally managed.
"No," she said. "Just my back, still. Nothing else."
Was that good? He had no idea whether that was a good sign or not.
"So," Kate continued, making her voice calm and even. "I think I'm gonna go in with Alicia, to that village, today. I know it's tiny, but there's a doctor there. It's the one she goes to. She said he's retired, I think, but... still, he's a doctor, you know? Just to... to find out what's wrong. If there's anything wrong." She finally stopped talking, almost as if she had to force herself.
"You want me to come?" Sawyer asked.
She bit her lip, thoughtfully. "It's up to you."
Damn her. Of course he would go, but why couldn't she just say yes? Just once, why couldn't she make it easy on them both and just say yes?
She stood up now, looking around in a distracted way. "I can't just sit around. I'm gonna make some coffee."
"What time is it?"
"Almost six," she told him, heading toward the kitchen.
"Kate."
She turned around, waiting. He couldn't think of anything to say.
"Make it strong," he said.
She nodded and left the room.
As soon as Kate saw the lights go on in the Morris residence, she headed over to speak to them. When she returned, she told Sawyer that it was all settled, and that they would both ride in to the village, called Rockfort, with Alicia and Grace. She'd made up a story about them needing a birth control refill that would explain why they had to stop at the doctor's. Sawyer didn't bother to ask why she hadn't just told the truth. He had a feeling she might not even know, herself. She was so accustomed to lying that she probably didn't always stop to think about whether it was strictly necessary or not.
They left just before it began to get light, with Alicia driving the hummer. Mark clearly had misgivings about not accompanying them, but there were problems with the mining machinery that required his immediate attention, and so he had no choice but to stay behind. Sawyer and Kate barely spoke to each other during the drive, and luckily, the presence of Grace saved them from the tension this would normally have caused. She was a welcome distraction, for Kate in particular, and they played all the road trip games that she could think of. The road itself was really nothing more than a snow-covered track, and they moved tediously and with a great deal of bumping and jolting. At about the halfway point, Sawyer offered to take over the wheel, and although Alicia obviously wasn't quite comfortable with this arrangement, the stress of maneuvering the unwieldy vehicle eventually led her to give in.
Just when Kate was beginning to fear that they would never get there, and that this drive would go on forever, they reached the top of a rise and the village came into view below them, looking like a quaint postcard rather than an actual town where people lived. A cluster of cottages and old-fashioned false-front stores nestled next to a winding river, smoke pouring from most of the chimneys. There was a church with a towering steeple, and a clapboard schoolhouse that was apparently left over from a previous century. Kate leaned forward in her seat, anxious now. When they'd finally parked, she tried to act casual and nonchalant as Alicia pointed out to them where the doctor lived. She offered to come with them to introduce them, but Kate hastily declined, saying that they didn't want to keep her from her errands.
When they were alone, they looked at each other with badly-concealed dread, then began to walk toward the house which had been indicated. Kate knocked on the door, and when a woman answered, Sawyer allowed her to explain who they were and what they needed, without interjecting a word. He felt strangely sick to his stomach. Kate was given a form to fill out, which she did quickly and without hesitation. The woman, who said that she was the doctor's wife, fetched a key and led them to a different door, unlocking it and letting them in. They found themselves in a tiny waiting room that obviously wasn't used very often. The woman, Nancy, left them and went to find her husband, telling them that it would be a few minutes before he could prepare the exam room. Kate asked where the bathroom was, and Sawyer sat down to wait. In the unnerving silence, he tapped his fingers on the cheap plastic arm rest of the chair.
After a few minutes Kate re-entered and sat down in the chair beside him. He looked at her, a question in his eyes.
"No change," she said, not meeting his gaze. "It's not any worse."
"That's good, right?"
"Yeah," she said with a quick nod. "I think so."
They sat without speaking, neither one knowing what to say, or how to begin. "Pretty painting," Kate muttered, almost to herself.
Sawyer raised his eyes to see what she was looking at. On the opposite wall was a reproduction print hanging in a flimsy frame, most likely placed there with the intention to brighten up the dreary room.
"It's a Van Gogh," he said. "That's the son-of-a-bitch that cut off his own ear."
Kate looked intrigued, and grateful for a distraction. "Why'd he do that?"
"Because he was crazy," Sawyer said, settling back into the chair. His voice, though quiet, seemed to echo in the empty waiting room. "He was friends with this other painter, and one day he started thinkin' that the guy didn't like him so much anymore. They got in a fight, and I suppose he figured he needed to do somethin' to get his friend's attention. So he cut off part of his ear, and gave it to a prostitute to keep for him."
"Really?" Kate asked, smiling a little. "A prostitute?"
"That ain't the sad part, though," Sawyer went on. "Couple years later he walked out into a field and shot himself to death." He lowered his gaze a little, his voice weary with irony. "Guess maybe he just got tired of being misunderstood."
Kate closed her eyes briefly, the hidden intent of the words not lost on her. She chose not to comment directly. Giving Sawyer a wistful look, she said, "How'd you get to be so smart, anyway?"
He sniffed in amusement. "Too much free time," he told her dryly.
She laughed, and when they looked at each other now, some kind of barrier mercifully broke down. The humor died away from their expressions, replaced with a raw vulnerability and fear. Sawyer extended a wordless invitation, and Kate leaned over against him, letting him wrap both arms around her in a fluid motion. He kissed the top of her head and then let his lips continue to rest there. She held onto his forearm like a life preserver, staring out into the waiting room with haunted eyes.
After a few seconds he whispered into her hair. "What do you think, Freckles? Is it gonna be okay, or not?"
She waited a few seconds before answering, not wanting to lie. "I don't know." She shook her head a little at the absurdity of the situation, continuing just above a whisper. "This is crazy. A few weeks ago, I was so scared that this might actually be happening. Now... I'm just as scared that it might not be."
"Maybe it's my fault," Sawyer said.
"How?" she asked, her brow wrinkling with confusion.
"You really need to ask?" he said sardonically. "Maybe we just... overdid things."
Realizing that he was talking about sex, she smiled a little. "I don't think it works that way. The book said it was safe, remember?" She paused, thoughtful. "If there's anything wrong, then it's my fault. Jumping off that roof... dragging around on a bad ankle, and then trying to climb down that hill when I was already exhausted... I just pushed myself too hard. So stupid," she muttered angrily.
"Like you had any choice," Sawyer said, defending her from her own censure.
She took a deep breath, knowing her next words would likely ring hollow. "Maybe it's for the best. If you think about it, this has all happened so fast. It wouldn't be the end of the world if we had a chance to..."
"To what?" Sawyer interrupted her, with a touch of impatience. "Get to know each other better?" he asked with scorn.
Kate gave up, agreeing with him. "You're right. When you say it like that, it does sound pretty ridiculous."
They fell silent again, both hoping that they wouldn't have to wait much longer. There was no clock in here, but if there had been, the ticking would have been loud and terrifying. Kate's neck was beginning to stiffen from leaning in this position for so long, but she didn't want to move away from Sawyer. She concentrated on the rhythmic warm puffs of his breath on the top of her head.
Sawyer seemed to be trying to steel himself for some kind of admission. He finally worked up to it, speaking in an unintentionally harsh voice in order to mask his emotion. "No matter what happens, it ain't gonna change anything... with us. Least not for me, anyway." He stopped, awkwardly. "Just wanted you to know that."
Feeling her throat knot up unexpectedly, Kate gritted her teeth together while her vision wavered with tears. She waited until she felt capable of speaking. "Can I ask you something?"
Sawyer was quiet, waiting.
"Do you ever watch me sleep?" she whispered.
He didn't answer for a second, and she began to wonder if she should have ignored her impulse. But his voice when he finally responded didn't sound surprised. He spoke with a quiet sincerity, as if the topic was the most natural one in the world. "Every chance I get."
Now Kate gave up the fight and let a few tears overflow, turning her head against his coat sleeve to absorb them. He brushed her hair out of her way, accepting her emotion without questioning it. They didn't move for a few minutes.
The door opened softly, and the doctor's wife reappeared. "Mrs. Ford? You can go on back now. Everything's ready. It's the door at the end of the hall, past the bathroom."
"Thank you," Kate said as the woman slipped out again, discreetly. She stood up and then looked down at Sawyer, who was giving her a pleased smirk. She rolled her eyes a little, trying not to blush. "It's not like I can use my real name."
He looked toward the hall, hesitant. "So... you want me to come with you, Mrs. Ford?"
She only considered for a brief second. "Yes," she said firmly this time, holding out her hand. "Please."
She pulled him to his feet, and he followed her toward the exam room.
Half an hour later, Kate sat rigid on a metal table, wearing a flimsy paper hospital gown, while Sawyer stood next to her, his hand on the small of her back. They waited tensely for the doctor to come back in. While the boisterous white-haired man had conducted the examination, his sheer exuberance and off-color jokes had been enough to distract them, but now that they were alone again, time seemed to swell and stretch to unfathomable proportions. They could practically hear each other's heartbeats.
Finally, they became aware of an exaggeratedly jaunty whistle as somebody came back down the hall. Kate sat up straighter. The doctor burst in carrying a clipboard and mumbling fragments of a song to himself. Seeming to forget their presence for a moment, he leafed through the pages he carried as if he had all the time in the world. Kate could feel Sawyer reaching his irritation threshold, and she placed her hand on his wrist to calm him, shaking her head silently.
When he'd scanned through the test results on his clipboard, the doctor finally glanced up at them and smiled, squinting through his bifocals. "Well!" he barked joyfully. "I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with your baby. Everything seems to be right as rain, the heartbeat is strong, and I don't see any problems there at all."
Sawyer and Kate barely had time to react to this news before he moved on to his next announcement, looking over his glasses now at Kate with exaggerated somberness. "The bad news, my dear, is that you have a kidney infection."
Kate's face registered disbelief. "A kidney infection?" she repeated.
"I'm afraid so," the doctor intoned. "The blood you noticed came from the urinary tract... It has nothing to do with the pregnancy at all. And it also explains your back pain." Taking his stethoscope, he returned to her lower back, tapping the base of it on both sides. He straightened up again with a brisk motion. "You haven't been drinking enough water," he said in a sing-song manner, wagging his index finger at her sternly. "Have you?"
Staring at him like he was crazy, Kate tried not to laugh. "I guess not," she admitted.
"So..." He consulted his clipboard again. "I'll have Nancy get you some antibiotics from the pharmacy closet, and it should be gone within a few days. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great," Kate said. "Thank you, so much."
"My pleasure!" he said with a large grin. "I haven't had a kidney case... in... oh, it must be a year at least!" Still smiling, as if this was an experience they should all enjoy together, he whooshed out of the exam room again, singing to himself, leaving Kate and Sawyer to stare after him in incredulous silence.
"Guy's a damn whack-job," Sawyer finally muttered, turning back to her.
She looked at him, the two of them at the same height while she remained on the table. "A kidney infection," she repeated again, bringing a hand up to cover her face in a mix of shame and relief. "That's it. That's all it was?" She laughed a little, looking angry at herself. "I feel like such an idiot."
"Well, at least you still look cute in that hospital gown," Sawyer said, trying to strike the right tone of amused detachment in his overwhelming gratitude to the universe. "Think maybe we could get one to take home?"
She smiled and met his eyes. Giving up on the jokes, they reached for each other at the same instant, holding onto each other in a tight hug. It was strange to Kate that after all the real traumas they'd suffered together, it was this threatened one, this false alarm, that seemed to have brought them closer than anything else. It seemed impossible that they'd been fighting only last night.
Finally breaking apart, they kissed each other fiercely, and then Kate said in a shaking voice, "Let's get out of here."
They met up with Alicia down the street, coming out of what looked like some kind of bakery. She smiled at Kate. "You get what you needed?"
"Yeah," she nodded, her face glowing with relief. "Yeah, everything's good."
Alicia seemed about to say something, but then glanced at Sawyer and checked her words. She appeared to be uncomfortable in his presence, as always. He noticed it, and Kate saw how it affected him. With a half-bitter, half-sad smile, he said, "Think I'll leave you girls on your own for a bit, if you don't mind. Got some shoppin' of my own I need to do." He gave Kate a kiss on the cheek, and she looked up at him, regretfully. After everything they'd just been through, she didn't want to be away from him. It wasn't right that she should have to be away from him. And yet it was her own fault.
"I want to go with you!" Grace said, grabbing Sawyer's hand. Over the past few days, she'd developed something of a crush on him, which he so far hadn't done much to encourage.
"It's all right with me," he said, making an offer that Kate knew was a fairly big step for him. She looked at Alicia, praying that she wouldn't say no, that she wouldn't do that to him.
"I don't think that's a good idea, Gracie," Alicia said, her tone tense and final.
"Sorry, kid," Sawyer said. "Mom says no." He looked at Kate, and she felt a sudden surge of protectiveness toward him so strong that it almost made her dizzy. How could anybody see him that way? How could she let anybody see him that way? He deserved so much better. "Meet you back in here in an hour," he said, walking away with his hands in his pockets. She watched him go, miserable.
Alicia pointed toward a hill in a park-like area behind one of the houses they stood near. "Grace, look! Why don't you go over there where those kids are sledding, and ask if you can play?"
"I don't know them," she whined, shuffling her feet.
"Well, introduce yourself, silly," her mother urged, giving her a gentle shove. "I'm sure they'll be very nice."
Still not entirely convinced, but lured by the enticements of the happy shouts of laughter that drifted over from the hill, Grace finally plodded off to give it a try.
Alicia moved toward a wrought-iron fence to watch. Kate followed, and they both leaned against the fence, looking over it. "I don't want to push her too much, but she needs to learn how to socialize with other children," Alicia said in a concerned voice. "It can't be good for a kid to only interact with adults all the time. Nancy... that's Dr. Mitchell's wife... she's always offering to let Gracie stay here during the week, to board, so that she could go to school. She could come home on the weekends. I should say yes, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's selfish, I know. I just want to keep her with me."
Kate watched as the little girl boldly introduced herself to a group of strangers. "I'm sure she's gonna turn out great, no matter what you decide."
Detecting some hint of sadness, Alicia turned toward Kate. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," she said, unable to stop the automatic lie. "I'm fine."
"Because if there's anything you wanted to talk about..." She paused, clearly worried.
Kate took a deep breath. "Actually, you're right. There is something." She tried not to sound overly defensive. "I think maybe... you have the wrong idea about Sawyer. He's not the one I was running from."
Alicia gave her a sympathetic look, but there was a good dose of skepticism mixed in.
"I know what it looks like," Kate continued. "Believe me. But that's my fault, because I let you think something that wasn't true." She plunged ahead, determined to get it all out in the open. Unconsciously, she twisted the ring on her finger, still not quite used to the feel of it. "But I promise you, it wasn't him. He would do anything for me. He would never, ever hurt me. And the idea that anybody could think that he would... It kills me." Her voice shook with tears, and she spoke through clenched teeth. "I love him so much."
Seeming a bit surprised by this level of emotion, Alicia said softly, "I can see that. But if it wasn't him, then who was it?"
And there was the question that she was dreading the most. "That part is complicated," she said, wiping a tear away with her sleeve and trying to get herself under control. "Over the past few years, I've kind of been in some trouble... with the law." She tried not to laugh at what was likely the understatement of the century. "There are people who have made it their life's mission to hunt me down. But it's over now," she added quickly, giving Alicia a look of reassurance. "They're not looking anymore. They, um... they think I'm dead." Kate's heart beat faster, and she knew what a huge risk she was taking. She hadn't needed to tell that much. But once she got started, it was hard to stop.
It was difficult to judge Alicia's reaction so far. She was processing it all, contemplatively. Different shades of emotion flickered across her face. "The gun?" she asked.
"I took it," Kate admitted. "The night I stayed with you. I thought I'd be going back south on my own, and I was scared. But I was going to leave you money... to pay for it."
Alicia was quiet, watching Grace and the other children. They already played together as if they were best friends. A red-headed boy was helping her pull a sled up to the top of the hill, and he seemed to be flirting with her. It was such an innocent, pleasant scene, and Kate felt terrible for ruining it.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I know how all this must sound. And if you want to leave us here, then we'll be fine. We don't have to go back with you," she said, giving the woman an easy way out of having any more contact with them. "But... for the record, I just want you to know, that you don't have anything to be afraid of. The two of us... me and Sawyer.." She paused, and then said something that she never would have thought it possible for her to say. She didn't know if she'd ever truly believed it, until now. "We're good people. We've both done some terrible things, and... some really stupid things. But we have good hearts," she insisted, stubbornly sticking to what she'd only just discovered was true. "And all we want is to start over."
For a long time, Alicia didn't say anything, and Kate began to be afraid that she wasn't going to. When she finally did speak, her words were nothing at all like what Kate had expected to hear. She listened with growing amazement.
"When Mark and I were in college," Alicia began, tentatively, as if she were looking at something from a great distance, "We belonged to this environmental activist group. Sort of like Greenpeace, only much more radical. Violent, even." She smiled a little. "I know it's hard to believe, looking at us now. But we were pretty hard-core back then." She was quiet for a second, then continued. "There was this cosmetics lab in Vancouver that used animals for testing. Not just bunnies, but, you know... dogs and cats, too. Even monkeys, I think. Horrible things went on there... you wouldn't believe it if I told you. And so anyway, the group decided to use this place to make a statement. So we rescued all the animals, got them out of there. That part went just fine." She paused, her face darkening in memory. "Then on the spur of the moment, we decided that we should burn the place to the ground... really make headlines. What we didn't know was that there was a janitor still inside. He worked nights, and we had no idea. We were basically just kids, and we hadn't planned it out very well. So this janitor, well... he died in the fire. He had a wife, and four kids." Shaking herself, Alicia forced herself to keep talking. "Mark and I just barely escaped serving prison time. We had good lawyers." She turned to Kate, almost as if she was surprised at herself. "I haven't told anybody about that in a long, long time."
Kate wasn't sure how to respond. "I know the feeling," she finally said in wonder.
Alicia sighed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe everyone deserves a second chance."
Turning back to look at the kids sledding, Kate took a few minutes to digest this unexpected turn of events. She felt like another huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders, even through her sadness at witnessing someone else's pain. To her shock, she'd been believed. She wasn't being rejected, and neither was Sawyer. She wanted to go and find him, to leap on him, to tackle him to the ground in her exuberance. She suppressed the impulse with a grin, but planned to make good use of it later. For now, she decided to get one more thing off her chest. "Since we're sharing secrets, there's something else I should probably tell you." She looked at the other woman coyly. "I didn't come here today for birth control."
"I know," Alicia said with a smile, not surprised at all.
"Oh," Kate said. She looked down at her stomach, confused. "I didn't realize it was already so..."
"It's not," Alicia interrupted, laughing a little. "Not at all. You're thin as a whippet."
"Then how...?"
"Your backpack," she said, explaining. "When Mark brought you in, and you were unconscious, I thought I'd better try to find some ID, just in case. I didn't find any, but I did see a sonogram picture in the front flap. I just assumed that you probably wouldn't be carrying it around if it wasn't yours."
"I forgot that was in there," Kate said, understanding now.
"When is it due?" Alicia said softly, after a lapse.
Kate tried to hide her pleasure at being asked. "July."
"Three months after mine." Alicia smiled now, growing thoughtful. "Well, maybe if you decide to stick around, we can introduce 'em to each other."
"I'd like that," Kate said, almost shyly. And she was a bit surprised to find that it was the truth.
Glancing at her watch, as if she'd suddenly realized how much time had passed, Alicia sighed. "I'd better go get Grace, if we want to have any daylight left to drive back in. It's getting late. And I still need to do some Christmas shopping for my husband."
Kate looked down the street where Sawyer had disappeared earlier, smiling to herself with a kind of anticipation for the future that she'd hardly ever allowed herself to feel before.
"Me too," she said.