A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.

Hey guys,

I am going to start editing this story, but I doubt that I'll be changing anything big! (If I do, I'll make sure to let you guys know ;D)

Anyway I am quite fed up with Nika right now (especially since she's falling back into old patterns in this chapter), but she's getting there. I hope.

This chapter is a bit of a filler, so I'm sorry for that. The song I used comes from Lea Michele's new album that is coming out soon AND I SIMPLY CANNOT WAIT. If you haven't heard any of the songs yet, then I can definitely recommend What Is Love or Battlefield!

Thank you all so much for your reviews/follows/favourites! It means the world to me that you're still with me, although I've been the worst author lately.

I'll see you guys tomorrow! (And if I don't update, feel free to throw rotten tomatoes at me ;))

With love,

Kelly

Chapter 36

I was too blind to see,
This isn't what it seems...
~What Is Love? - Lea Michele

I was sitting at one of the tables in our Common Room when James and Sirius walked in. I watched them make their way to their usual spot at the fireplace and laugh about something. That wasn't what got my attention though, the boys were always laughing anyway. No, what pulled and held my eyes there was the fact that the others weren't with them.

I wondered where Peter and Remus were and if they knew about Sirius being an Animagus. Were they Animagi too? It wouldn't really surprise me, I thought. They all had the brains for it, even Peter who liked to pretend he was the dumbest of the lot.

Okay, in all fairness, he probably was, but if you put him into prospective with the rest of the year he was hardly the dumb kid. So why he liked to pretend he was, was often beyond me. At least he had the Marauders who had his back, I thought.

Lily sat down next to me with a dreamy smile.

"Hi there, lovebird," I greeted her, my eyes never leaving Sirius and James. My hand played with the ink bottle that I had been using to finish my homework.

Sirius looked absolutely stunning as always and I couldn't stop my eyes from travelling his body up and down. I knew my breathing was becoming unsteady, which had everything to do with the fantasies running wild in my mind right now. I could almost feel his hand travel up my leg.

"Hello yourself, Juliet," Lily grinned, pulling me out of my daydream before I completely embarrassed myself. "How's our Romeo doing? Haven't you seen him for the dog he really is?" she laughed good-humouredly.

The ink bottle left my hands, rolled over my homework and that of several other students and fell on the ground in a loud crash. My eyes never left Sirius' shocked face as he looked at me. The whole Common Room had fallen silent, but my mind was running wild.

"Nika?" I heard Lily ask worriedly.

"A dog," I repeated softly and then a little louder, "a bloody dog!"

I saw Sirius blink and James give me an oh-shit-look.

I gave the latter a dirty glare. "James doesn't even have a bloody pet," I grumbled, before I grabbed my homework and moved to the portrait hole. How could James have let me blabber on and on about Sirius if he had been standing right next to us?!

The events in Hogsmeade of that day came running back and I couldn't help but cringe.

"There's nothing to see here, people. Mind your own business," Lily said as she followed me out.

"Nika," I heard Sirius call.

"Just let her go, Padfoot."

Yes, just let me go before I kick you in your tender spot, Padfoot.

Lily only spoke again when we arrived at the fifth floor. I followed a random corridor and finally sat down under a window.

"I cleaned up the mess you made back there," Lily breathed softly. "People were giving you angry glares, you know." I remained silent. "So... I guess you found out about your Romeo being an actual dog?"

He certainly was as much of a tit as the actual Romeo was, I thought vaguely remembering the book that Lily had made me read during the Christmas holidays. I turned my head toward her fast when her words clicked. "You knew?" I asked angrily.

Lily bit her lip and shrugged. "I found out last year."

"You have known for a whole year and you didn't tell me?"

Lily held up her hands in defence as she sat down next to me. "Look, Nika, it wasn't exactly my secret to spill, now was it? Nor did the boys even know, I knew. I doubt even Remus knows that I know."

"Remus? They are all Animagi?"

Lily opened her mouth and shut it again.

"Lily?" I prodded.

"You'll have to ask Remus that or try and figure it out on your own. I won't tell anyone else's secrets."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "But I am your friend. You hate that lot!"

"No, I hate James and occasionally I have a really strong dislike for Sirius Black. I actually like Peter and Remus."

I gave her a look. "Then how did you find out?"

"I am not telling you anything, so you'd better deal with that or we are going to have our first fight," Lily said strongly.

I blinked at that. I knew Lily took her friendships quite seriously and that she never betrayed anyone's trust, but I had no clue she kept those secrets that close to her heart. Nor did I have a clue that she would protect those lads that fiercely, which made me doubt my earlier conclusions. Maybe she did fancy one of those lads a little. I mean, earlier I had thought that James didn't stand a chance in hell, but maybe I had been wrong? "I won't ask you again, Lily," I told her softly. "I respect that you keep someone else's secrets, even if you don't know why they have them. May I ask you something though? You are not obliged to answer, just a nod or a shake of your head will suffice." She nodded suspiciously. "Do you know why the Marauders had a huge fight a couple of months back?"

She pursed her lips, before she gave a terse nod.

I nodded myself and looked away. "I wasn't completely honest with you, before you know. I know why Voldemort came after my parents, after me. This is something I have already told James, because it felt so much easier spilling my secrets to someone I didn't really know or like as well as I do you. If he would have turned away from me, it was something I could have easily dealt with."

Not anymore though, I thought bitterly. The Hogsmeade Betrayal, as I had secretly dubbed it, cut through me something fierce. I couldn't believe they trapped me like that! Was that why Sirius had suddenly changed his mind?

Dread pooled in my stomach. It was, wasn't it? He started "dating" me in secret because of the things I had said back then.

Was I a pity snog?

Was that the reason why we were keeping it a secret? I mean, I know why I didn't want to go public immediately or at all, but why did he? Was he embarrassed? Did he know?

Merlin save me, Sirius Black knew what a miserable creature I really was.

Absentmindedly I put a charm around us, before I retold my whole history to Lily, starting from Merlin's curse on my family till the death of my parents, which I had already told her about.

Lily was silent when I finished, before she gave me a fierce hug. "I am sorry you felt like you couldn't trust me with a secret like this, I am sorry that you have had to live with this, and I am sorry that I can't take the secret away from you. I am not going to pretend that it didn't hurt that James got your trust first, but if he is what you needed then I am glad you got him."

I frowned at the weird sentence, but didn't interrupt.

"I want you to know that I am not going to spill your secrets, although you asking about the Marauders' really feels like some kind of test now," Lily rambled. "You can always come to me with these things, Nika. I will never betray your trust. Never."

I hugged her back and blinked away the tears. "Is this what friendship is usually like?" I asked, trying not to outright sob like the wuss I was.

Lily gave me a sweet smile. "My friendship is," she grinned a bit cheekily to lighten things up.

I wouldn't let her though. "Lily?" I asked softly.

"Hm-hm?" She let go of me so she could study me better.

"James doesn't even compete with you. You're miles out of his league."

Her eyes shone with her own tears now and she attacked me again with the biggest and fiercest hug I've ever had. Although I felt like I had become quite the expert in hugs, but I still didn't really feel completely at ease when I received them. I patted and rubbed her back as she squeezed me. I was quite sure she was bruising several bones, but didn't complain since she suddenly pulled back.

"How did you find out about Sirius though?"

I bit my lip and loosened her hold on me until she completely let go. I leaned back against the cold castle wall and sighed. "Regulus Black told me."

Lily blinked at that. "What? There'd better be a back story to this, Nika Schmidt, because this doesn't make any sense."

I had always thought that confiding in someone was the hardest thing to do and at first it was, but once you started talking it was rather hard to stop. That was the danger of friends, I realized. You wanted to share your thoughts, your secrets with them and in return you wanted to know theirs until everything was right out in the open for everyone to see. "Two days ago I received a note with my real name on it."

"Nicole Raven," Lily whispered, pleased that she now knew it too.

I smiled and nodded. "I had no idea who it was from and yesterday I received another one. This time with Sirius's name on it and a time and place to meet."

"Don't tell me you really are that stupid, Nika," an absolutely livid looking Lily said.

I shrugged. There was no disputing that I was indeed rather stupid. "If I had been smart, the Hat would have put me in Ravenclaw."

"Not necessarily," Lily interrupted immediately. "The Sorting Hats sorts students into their houses according to which characteristics they value most."

I hushed her. "Anyway it was Regulus that sent me those letters and he wants my help." Lily raised an eyebrow, but didn't interrupt me again as I quickly explained what he had wanted.

"But why come to you?" Lily asked in the end. "Not that I am doubting your prowess or something, but why would he seek your help and not Dumbledore's? Why is he keeping your secret?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm planning to ask him all those things tomorrow evening."

Lily made a weird face. "But you trust him?"

I sighed. "I don't know, he seemed sincere and well, he answered all those questions under the influence of Veritaserum. I don't think he has anything to hide."

"Or maybe you didn't know what to ask," Lily pointed out. "Plus that potion can easily be influenced."

I gave her a look. "I doubt Regulus has any Legimency skills."

"It's the silent ones you have to watch out for," Lily said in her best old woman voice.

"So wise you are." I tried to tease her.

She didn't let herself be teased though and remained utterly serious. "This is dangerous, Nika, and I'd rather you stayed out of it."

"But what if he could give me the names of the-"

"Then what?" she interrupted me rudely. "If you have the names of the Death Eaters that killed your parents, what are you going to do? Hunt them down and kill them yourself? You're not a killer, Nika."

"Maybe not," I hissed, balling my fists in frustration, "but I could do something!"

Lily's voice gentled. "What would you be able to do?"

"I don't know," I shouted, "something!"

"You're not thinking clearly," she muttered. "I get what you want and why you want it, but this is not the way. Those Death Eaters are masters in the Dark Arts, you are still a student at Hogwarts."

A mediocre student, she didn't say.

"We could train," I interjected. "We could train with him and become better equipped to handle scum like that."

Lily made a face again. "I don't know, Nika. It doesn't seem like a smart course of action. Hogwarts is the safest place for us."

"Which is why we have to train here and now, while we are still safe. Because once we go out there, it's done, you see? You survive or you die, there's no in-between!"

Lily closed her eyes and shook her head. She seemed to wage an internal battle, and I bit my lip as I waited and waited.

"Lily," I tried again, "if anyone could help us, it'd be you."

Lily opened one eye and glared at me. "This is blackmail," she pointed out.

"No," I smiled, "this is flattery and it's working."

Lily huffed and puffed. "Fine. I'll help with the Unbreakable Vow. I am going to have to analyse the Black boy myself, though, before I make any other promises."

I kissed her cheek. "Thank you, Lils. You rock."

She gave me a faint smile. "I know I do. So... Why don't you tell me why Sirius being an Animagus got you so upset?"

I groaned. "It's just that... When I saw James and his dog," I spat the last word out fiercely, "I indirectly told him everything."

Lily gave me a sympathetic look. "You mean you told him how madly in love with the lad you are?"

I gave her a look.

She grinned and held up her hands again in defence again. "Just making sure I'm following, dear."

"Don't 'dear' me. Do you know what this means? He probably staged the whole thing. I mean it's the only logical explanation," I whispered as I bit back my frustrated tears. And I had only been fantasizing about having sex with the tosser half an hour before all of this! "He didn't want anyone to know about us and told me that a physical relationship was all he could give me. I agreed at the time because that's all I could give him too, and I am so stupid. I fell right into that trap, didn't I? Jesus, I'm such a twat. How could James not tell me? How could Sirius do this to me? Oh, Merlin-" I gasped loudly and grabbed my cheek as Lily came into my blurry vision. I gasped for air and my chest heaved up and down quickly.

She bloody well hit me!

"Calm down," she told me, frowning worriedly. "Hyperventilating is not going to make this situation any easier to bear!"

Nor is hitting the crap out of me, I thought wide-eyed.

"Have you talked to Black yet?"

I shook my head.

"To Potter then at least?"

I looked away as I clutched my cheek and let tears fall rapidly. "You were there when I found out, Lily."

"Just now in the Common Room? Nika," Lily breathed, "why don't you go talk to one of them?"

I lifted the spell with my wand and got to my feet. I don't know what got into me precisely, but I believe this was the exact moment my survival instincts kicked in again. I never quite realized how much a wounded animal and I had in common before. We both did whatever we needed to do to ensure our survival, and if shutting down my emotions was going to do the trick, then why the bloody fuck not. "Screw them," I whispered as I turned away from her. I made my way back to the Gryffindor Common Room, my throbbing cheek the only outward sign of the hurt I was currently experiencing. Lily didn't shout my name, nor did she come after me and it was better that way. It honestly was.

I was losing sight of my priorities, I thought shakily. Being Sirius Black's lass was never one of them and it shouldn't be now.

If only I could convince myself of this before the next time I saw him. If only someone could rip out my heart that easily.

There were only a couple of things I was certain of right now. Lily was my rock and I'd only snog Sirius Black again in my fantasies.