I am all depressed now cos I got a series of very (perhaps overly) polite, pseudo constructive reviews that were, for all their 'niceness' pretty nasty in their own way too. I don't usually mind people commenting on what I write, either positively or negatively, but these hit me pretty hard. Maybe I'm just being sensitive in my old age. Emos in a corner I got flamed!! Any who, since I use already 'overused plot devises' in my 'mediocre' writing, boring people with my excess of 'angst and misunderstandings' the next chapter or so will be a little more light hearted.
I don't own it!!
Chapter 37 Operation GAKTA
The minute Kanda arrived back from his mission he was pounced upon by an extremely hyperactive Lavi, who dragged him away towards Lenalee's room, where said girl and Jim were waiting patiently.
"What the hell are you playing at?" Kanda tried (and failed) to shake the redhead off him. Lavi had even cunningly clamped both of the Japanese man's arms to his sides so he couldn't reach for his sword. "I don't have time for this, you idiot! Let me go now! When I get my hands on yo- why are we going to Lenalee's room?"
"Wait-and-see-ee." Lavi sang, pushing the other man ahead of him through the doorway. He shut the door quickly and locked it to prevent Kanda from escaping.
"Hello Kanda." Lenalee greeted him politely from where she sat on the bed. Jim was sitting on the floor near her feet, leaning back against the bed frame.
"Lenalee." Kanda offered by way of greeting. He rounded on Lavi, completely bypassing Jim in his anger. "Now how about you tell me exactly what's going on before I give Lenalee's room a new coat of red paint?"
"Calm down Yuu-Chan, and we'll explain everything. There's really no need to get violent!" Lavi held his hands up in surrender, backing away as far as he could in the small room.
"Well?" Kanda's irritation rose a few notches, a vein beginning to tick above his eye.
"We just need to ask you one simple question." Jim leaned his head back on the mattress and closed his eyes.
Kanda scowled at the figure on the floor, trying to remember why Jim's presence was important… Ah yes. Allen. Did that mean they'd found him? "And that question would be?" The scowl had softened slightly, at least the tick has subsided. A little.
"Do you still love Allen?" Lavi asked, looking Kanda straight in the eye. Kanda managed to maintain the eye contact, but couldn't help the blush that dusted his face, although he would tell himself later that it never happened.
"What does it matter? Allen made his feelings clear nine months ago."
Jim shook his head sadly. "We're going to lose him, Kanda. He's still there, physically, but he's not the same anymore."
"And? That's hardly my responsibility."
Lenalee jumped to her feet and sapped Kanda across the face, leaving a livid red hand print. "And you're happy with that? You'll happily watch while he becomes someone different, someone that's not Allen?"
"No." Kanda's reply was barely above a whisper, but they all heard it. "I don't want that, but I don't see why you've come to me with this. I'm nothing to him any more. I know that's it's mainly my fault, but that doesn't change the facts." He was speaking to Lenalee, able to convince himself that if he didn't acknowledge the presence of the other two males in the room, then he could pretend they weren't there.
"He needs you, just as much as you need him, Kanda. We can't bring him back. You can, I know it."
How she can say such things with a perfectly straight face is beyond me… Kanda rubbed his temples with a sigh. Before the conversation could get even more embarrassing (for him), Kanda excused himself (with a scowl and vague grunt), slamming from the room in a huff.
"I think we embarrassed him a little." Jim chuckled, though he still glanced around, as though expecting the angered exorcist to jump out at him, brandishing Mugen.
Lavi had no such qualms, and roared with laughter. "Did you see him blush?" He was obviously being very loud, for the sound of something being sliced in two carried even through the heavy wooden door.
"I hope that wasn't something valuable!"
"With any luck it was one of your brother's ridiculous robots."
They all paused for a moment, all silently praying that Kanda had just indeed met with the latest (now hopefully late) Komurin.
Finally, Lavi spoke up again.
"We need a name for ourselves" he announced cheerfully. Both Jim and Lenalee looked at him warily.
"I don't think that that's really going to be necessary Lavi…"
"Nonsense, of course we need a name!" Lavi fell silent, giving it some serious thought.
Jim gave Lenalee a nervous look. She shrugged in reply, giving him a small shake of her head. There would be no deterring Lavi now, the only thing they could do was come up with something themselves that would be far less ridiculous than anything the hyperactive redhead was bound to come up with.
"I've got it! We can be the 'Beansprout and 'U' Taskforce To Rectify Allen's Mistake'!"
Jim stared at him. "What?"
"Lavi, you know that it wasn't all Allen's fault, I don't think that's very fair. And I know Kanda won't be happy that you shortened his name, his first name, which he hates you using, to a single letter."
Jim made a small noise. "You do realise that the acronym for that is B.U.T.T.R.A.M.?"
Lavi chuckled. "Of course, and I think it's a perfect name when it comes to those two. But if that's a no, how about the 'Beansprout and 'U' Taskforce To Maintain and Uphold Normality Concerning Headquarters?'"
"Aside from the fact that that makes even less sense than the first one, I refuse to be part of group labelled 'B.U.T.T.M.U.N.C.H." Jim shook his head in disbelief.
"Lavi, can you really not be serious for once? This is absurd! I propose, if we absolutely have to have some sort of name, that we be called G.A.K.T.A."
Lavi looked at Lenalee like she was crazy. "GAKTA? What on Earth does that mean?"
"Get Allen and Kanda Together Again, of course!"
Lavi huffed. "At least mine were imaginative."
"Sure, if you read 'imaginative' as 'ridiculous beyond belief'!"
"So…" Jim looked at his companions. Lavi was still in a huff about his suggestions being vetoed and had vowed not to get involved with any further mentions of operation GATKA. Lenalee and Jim, however, knew that this stroke of good luck (because the less Lavi was involved, the better, to be quite frank), would not last very long. Jim almost dreaded asking the next question. "How are we going to do it?"
Lavi looked at them both rather sheepishly. "I hadn't really got that far to be honest."
"Why doesn't that surprise me in the slightest?"
The redhead gave a small, self-depreciating chuckle. "You can't expect me to have all the answers!"
"It was your idea!" Lenalee exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation. "Who else would we expect to have the answers?"
"Well one thing's for sure, we can't throw Kanda in there and expect the magic to happen…" Jim said slowly. "The state of mind Allen's in, he'd probably throw a fit."
"We need to talk to him. Get him out of his funk, before we can even try to get him back with Kanda." Lavi slammed one fist against the open palm of his other hand.
"Will it be that easy? Maybe he won't want to get back together? We can't force it" argued Lenalee.
Jim shook his head sadly. "He does want it, I know he does. When we were talking back at the finder's base, I could tell. He's so sad, but he's convinced himself that it's okay not to feel anything, because then it won't hurt when something goes wrong. He didn't even flinch when Seren was killed, and it happened right in front of him."
"Should we go and see him? Komui has lessened the amount of tranquilisers he was on, he might be awake now. Maybe if we can just convince him to open up more…" Lavi sounded doubtful.
"Alright, we'll give it a go. I hope this works. I hate seeing him like this."
Allen blinked woozily at his visitors. "What are you doing here?" He blinked again. Where was here? He went over the last few things he remembered, a frown trying to make its way onto his face, but held at bay by the still respectable cocktail of drugs Komui was pushing into him. He drew a blank, and turned expectantly at the gathered exorcists.
"You're in hospital, Allen. Back at the order. Do you remember what happened? Jim brought you home from Greece." Lenalee provided softly, seeing the confused expression on his face.
The frown that had been trying to take over his face won the battle it was having with his medication. Voices swirled through his foggy mind, and he gripped his hair tightly with both hands, trying to bring the jumble of memories into order.
He heard himself, snapping at Jim through a pre-recorded message on the golem, warning others to keep their distance. It was always safer that way…
"Don't get involved. I can handle this fine on my own."
"People who get too close to me always get hurt."
"You've seen what happens when people come near me. Everyone ends up hurting. That's why it's better if I stay away."
"If you know what's good for you, you'll stay the hell out of my way!"
"Everyone's missed you, you know." Jim, trying to reassure him. Why would he bother? It wasn't as though Allen actually cared what the others thought.
"The longer you stay away, the harder it'll be." But it was already impossible to go back to how it was. A little extra time was neither here nor there any more. It was already far too late.
"I've dug my grave now. The only thing left to do is dig deeper." It was a morbid thought, but one he clung to with desperate fervour.
"I meant it, Allen, Everyone's missed you." Jim said it again, but it held deeper meaning than the simple sentence pretended to carry.
"Where's Seren? Did she not come back with you?" Lavi, sounding uncharacteristically serious. He wasn't supposed to care, but there was true concern in his usually brash voice. Why did the Bookman sound so worried when he, Allen, couldn't find it in himself to care at all?
"No, she's…"
"She's dead." Was that HIS voice, so dead and cold?
"I've managed alone these last few months, I'm sure I'll cope now." He didn't need anybody else, because he couldn't risk them needing him. It was better to be alone, it hurt less that way.
Because sometimes it was better to feel nothing at all.
"Allen?" Lenalee tentatively laid her hand on the young General's shoulder.
His head snapped up, hands falling from his hair and fixing her with an anguished gaze. She looked into his glazed eyes, moist with unshed tears of pain and felt her own eyes begin to fill. But the suffering look held in his eyes was gone in an instant, hard cold shutters slamming down behind them, instantly turning them bitter, brutal and blank.
"I'm fine. Everything's fine."
"Don't lie! Allen Walker, don't you dare lie to us! To me! I know that it's not fine. Nothing's been fine since you went to Prague! We've been so worried about you! And then you ran away! How did that help anything?"
Allen's frown hardened. "I solved my problems in my own way. There was nothing wrong with leaving. I was doing my job and protecting the people of the order."
Lavi snorted something that sounded a little like 'bullshit', crossing his arms and leaning on the wall with an ugly sneer on his face. "That's a crock of shit, Allen, and you know it. The only person you were protecting was yourself. You weren't thinking about anyone else when you stormed out. Did you even think about us once while you were away? Just once did you spare a thought for those you left behind?" He snorted again. "Of course not. You just stopped feeling all together, that way you wouldn't feel guilty, feel responsible, if something happened!"
Allen blinked in surprise, the cool mask slipping fractionally, revealing something of the insecure young man hiding there. "Don't you think you're becoming a little too involved with this, Lavi?" he asked mildly, hitting the Bookman where it hurt the most.
Lavi's face closed off. "You're my friend, Allen, and God knows I want to help you before you do something that nothing can fix, but so help me, you aren't making any of this easy."
"It never is easy, Lavi. You should have learned that by now." Allen's voice was soft, a wistful look on his face. For a moment the old Allen peaked through. "It's too late now. I'd hoped you'd all realised it by now. There's no going back for me."
"Asshole." Jim spoke for the first time since entering the room. "So you've given up. Everything you ever told me, it means nothing now? I looked up to you, but if you've become a quitter, I'm not sure you are the type of person who deserves that kind of respect."
Allen's regretful smile turned sad. "That, Jim, is one thing you really don't have to remind me about. I know what I've become, I've accepted it. You all need to do the same. The old me isn't going to be coming back, and as soon as I have healed sufficiently, the new me will also be leaving."
"You really have given up. Not just on yourself, but on all of us, all of your friends! Do we mean nothing to you any more? What have we done to deserve this? You think you're punishing yourself, but you're really punishing all of us! How could you do this to us, Allen?" Lenalee grabbed him by the collar, forcing his face into hers as she shouted. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the sheet, not meeting her piercing gaze. She dropped him suddenly in disgust. "If this is what you've become, then you can't heal fast enough. It'll be better once you're gone again."
Lavi looked vaguely shocked at Lenalee's cold outburst, watching as she stormed from the room. He turned back to Allen, who looked a little flustered, straightening his collar and studiously looking anywhere but at the two remaining exorcists. "She's right, Allen. You've shut yourself away, you don't feel it, but you're still hurting everyone else. How is this any better than how it was before?"
Lavi patted Jim on the shoulder, guiding the younger exorcist from the room.
Allen watched them leave, a mix of emotions dancing across his thin pale face. He put his head on his knees, wrapping his arms around them. He didn't cry, but he was close. "You're wrong, Lavi. It hurts me too. But it's too late." He repeated his mantra again and again. "It's too late."
Kanda leaned back against the wall outside Allen's room, listening through the door that Lavi had left ajar. "Damn Moyashi. It's never too late, if you really want to change."
A/N I honestly think I was high. BUTTRAM? BUTTMUNCH? Dear Lord, save me from myself!
Well, it was supposed to be more light hearted, but it kinda just became 'lets have a bash at Allen day' instead. Oh well. Ya still love me? Right? RIGHT?!
Now hold onto your knickers people, I know it's short, but you'll be getting another chapter soon. Like tomorrow soon. Maybe even (le gasp) a chapter everyday this week. I'm feeling nice like that. BUT!! It'll mean that this'll all be over shortly. Like less than two weeks shortly. sob