Chapter 36
Perchance to Dream
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Lydia sat while taking in the bustling but modern looking café or was it a bar? Maybe it was bar-café? She couldn't recall what they may have classified it as online, but it fit the criteria that she had searched for. Their menu here had every imaginable kind of coffee, tea, and a extensive and intriguing alcoholic drink list.
She had strategically chosen this spot, a table near the bright display case that was in the barista station. The refrigerated glass case was filled to the brim with different kinds of cakes and sweets that had the nerve to tempt her. While she had considered moving to another seat with more room, the only other option left had been a loveseat tucked into a darkened corner. She definitely did NOT want to give Allen the wrong impression and so she settled on her cold little table by the offending desserts.
At least her table was more visible and highlighted because of the sweets-case's light while the other tables in the room had nothing but a soft dim light suspended above them. Seriously, what was their end goal of this establishment? It had a sort of "speed dating" vibe going on.
The place was packed but at least the majority of the customers stayed seated in private clusters in their own little nooks. She didn't know how well her nerves would have handled people rushing around her while she was attempting to keep her cool.
It did make her regret that she didn't do more research into the place before she had told him to meet her here. Maybe she should have pressed him to choose a place? After all, this was the city that he worked and lived in. Surely Providence had other much better and laid-back coffee places to offer but, in her excited stupidity she had quickly chosen this one because it was only a mile or so from the hospital.
A quick glance at her phone told her that it was a little after 6:30PM. They had agreed to meet at 7PM but she was glad that she gave herself some extra time in case she had gotten lost or caught up in traffic.
"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. As Old Shakey would say. Sheesh. I think I hang around BJ too much. I really should take up Cherise's offers to go out more often." She mumbled while lifting with both hands to sip her overly large coffee with an equally overly-large name. Its name had conjured up a whole palette of flavored bliss but sadly the hot liquid had only tasted like plain coffee with whipped cream. Although, the cinnamon on the whipped cream was a nice touch and so she had to give them that.
Keeping her mind busy, she had decided to scroll through different social media sites. That was always a good way to make time disappear. Some of the things that she saw had kept her interest while some of the other things were great for mindlessly laughing at dumb stuff, but it was a good waste of time. After a while, she decided to look at the clock again.
7:03PM.
Ok. He's going to be here soon! The butterflies flapping around inside of her stomach felt like they were wearing steel-plated armor.
Vigilantly she watched the front door and the slightly fogged up windows in anxious anticipation as people came and went, cars sped by, bundled pedestrians rushed along outside while trying to keep warm, and the ever-constant traffic lights changed in their cyclical pattern.
After that, she went back to her phone, but it couldn't keep her attention for long. Any time there was movement outside it had quickly stolen her eyes away to check and see if it was him. Thankfully the café's jingling bells on its glass entrance was her backup alarm for any possible chance that her eyes may have missed him. The constant din in the room couldn't muffle the sharp jangle of the bells as they sounded off once more. Again, it wasn't him as she watched a cute looking couple exit the building and walk away arm and arm into the cold night.
Sipping the last of her coffee down, she began to try to imagine what their life was like. Out of sheer boredom, she began to create an intricate and fantastical story for them. The guy was secretly a demon and was head over heels in love with the woman. Unbeknownst to him, she was also a mythical creature and they went to great and even comical lengths to appear like they were nothing but normal humans to each other. They were doomed to never find out that the other wasn't human. That wasn't until their wacky friend invited them on a trip that ended up a disaster did their identities get revealed.
Lydia had her fun exploring the story and creating many different timelines until it had been exhausted. Her creativity could only carry her so far. Letting out a long sigh she stared at the pock filled ceiling.
No matter what she did, it felt like time wasn't moving along at all. It was only 7:46 and her bladder threatened to mutiny if she didn't use the restroom soon.
Tapping her foot, she hoped that it would help the feeling pass but unfortunately, it didn't. The more she didn't want to think about it, the more she did.
Looking to the door once again, she had to make a decision. She didn't want to take the risk, but this was becoming a pressing matter. It would be just her luck that he would show up, not see her and then leave in the short while that she was in the bathroom.
"Did you want another coffee?" An ambiguous voice called to her from behind the sweets case.
Ah! Sweet Salvation! She now knew what she could do. Brushing some strands of her hair behind her ear, she smiled sweetly to the uh, barista? Bartender? Well, the gender-fluid person who was serving the food and drinks.
"I'd love to have another. Thank you." Standing up she took a deep breath while willing her bladder to behave. Quickly she walked over to the register and set down a twenty-dollar bill.
"Oh, would you be able to do me a favor? You see, I'm expecting someone, and I need to use the restroom, but I'll be quick. So, if a tall, thin, blonde haired man comes in and seems to be looking for someone, could you please seat them at my table?" And with that, she couldn't even wait for an answer as she dashed off to the bathroom to pee.
Feeling ten tons lighter, she came back out and the person behind the register held out her change.
"Oh, please, keep it as a tip." It was the least that she could do because of how rudely she had dashed off a moment ago.
They thanked her but also let her know that no one by that description had come in yet. Lydia felt the disappointment rise up, but she pushed it back down right away. Maybe he had misread the time as 8 instead. He wasn't just going to leave her high and dry, right?
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Another empty coffee mug sat on her table as she tapped her nails and contemplated getting an actual drink. She was having a hard enough time trying to keep her worries at bay and alcohol could maybe numb it. If only she didn't have to drive home. Biting on her thumb she scowled at the thought.
Between the time that she had arrived and now, she had sent him at least five texts. The texts varied from letting him know that she was here, asking if she was in the right place, if he was getting her texts, if everything was ok, to finally asking if he was mad at her. She gave up trying to text him after every single one of them had gone unanswered.
Rapidly tapping the floor with both of her feet, her poor heart thumped against her insides with extreme force. It was filling her body with a fight or flight rush that made her want to run circles within the small building... wait... perhaps that was from the copious amounts coffee that she had been consuming?
Eh, anyways, she looked at her phone again.
8:53PM
With an exasperated groan, she plopped her head down upon the cold table. Ugh.
"Miss? Another coffee?" In a concerned tone, the person behind the counter called to her again.
Feeling defeated, she lifted her head ever so slightly towards the barista. Her thick hair still covered most of her face as she pointed her finger ominously towards the illuminated glass.
"No, thank you." She responded flatly. "Can I have that Mile-High Turtle Cheesecake instead and be sure to drown it in whipped cream." Right now, eating her feelings sounded like the only feasible plan of attack that she could do.
Gracing her a look of pity the barista complied.
It wasn't long before the overly sweet dessert was on the table and staring at her in the face.
"Thought you could mock me and get away with it, did ya?" Rubbing her hands together she cackled before grabbing her fork.
"The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge." Lifting the silver fork, it glimmered as she threatening to plunge it into the helpless confection and cleave it in twine.
"If it will feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge!" The soliloquy flowed out effortlessly as it audibly transported her emotions in a way that regular dialog could never seem to capture.
But, before she did, she stopped to glance over to the eyes that had been watching her with concern. By now, she was sure the person behind the counter was probably questioning her sanity. That, or perhaps they weren't a fan of Shakespeare?
Once again, before she could strike it dead, she froze when she heard the door jingle open.
Swinging herself around in her seat she could have grown wings of elation when she saw the tall, blonde man walking into the building. His face lit up in acknowledgment as he raised his hand in a greeting...
And then promptly sat down at the large table of friends who were clearly waiting for him. They greeted him with hugs and cheers before razzing him about being late.
Lydia deflated and stabbed the cheesecake vindictively. She sneered as she let the flavor spread over her tongue. Slowly swallowing it down, she stole one final glimpse at the clock.
At 9:21, she could no longer deny it any longer.
It was very apparent that she had been stood up. Allen wasn't coming.
A fresh mug of coffee was set in front of her and she stared at it for a moment. Looking up, she nearly wordlessly thanked the employee who gave her a sympathetic smile.
"It's on the house." They said before they dashed away to do some more busy work before closing time rapidly approached.
She gave another half-smile and then went back to focusing on ruining any caloric intake for the week. With each slow bite she felt gross, empty, and it didn't help that she could hear the sound of friendship surrounding her.
The group of friends that were in the corner suddenly exploded out in raucous laughter; very clearly having fun and enjoying each other's company.
It made her feel even more pathetic, lonely, and it probably made her look pitiful. Since she had arrived, she had been the only soul here who had been alone the whole time.
She was the loser who had already wasted three hours waiting for someone who made it crystal clear that she was really an unforgivable person. She wasn't mad, and nor did she blame him. It was the truth. She had probably deserved this anyways. Still, she couldn't stop the sadness and the hurt that began to swallow her from the blatant shunning.
So, she made a small plan. After she completely consumes this toothache-inducing bonne bouche, she was going to go home, and have a good hard cry in the bathtub while drinking that bottle rosé she had been saving. She was going to forget any of this happened and carry on with her life. She knew that it was going to be easier said than done.
Taking slow bites, she wallowed in her bog of emotions. She might as well take her time and at least try to enjoy this.
She watched the group of friends with envious eyes as they stood up and put on their winter gear. The whole time they loudly made plans together. In a long line they filed out of the jingling door as they moved onto their next destination, which Lydia had no doubt would be something fun. Staring at her not even half eaten dessert, her heart felt aching, dirty and it was trying to rally her stomach against her.
Stupid college kids out partying on a Thursday night. Didn't they have projects or homework to do? She never did anything like that when she was in college. Don't they know that life can't always be so carefree?
Well at least now it would be much quieter in the building and maybe she could finally decipher what genre of music had been playing through the speakers. House music? World music? Ugh. She couldn't tell with that person yelling her name...
Wait... What?
Lifting her head, she saw Allen running over to her, still in his work clothes, and looking out of breath.
Allen's cheeks were flushed while his equally reddened hands grabbed the back of the chair across from her for support. With his head down, he leaned on it as he panted in an attempt to catch his breath. Did he actually run all the way here from the hospital?
When he was finally able to speak without losing his breath, he stood up straight and apologetically looked over to her.
"I'm so sorry I'm late. There was nothing that I could. I was held up at the hospital and couldn't leave until now. I immediately ran over here as soon as I was free to go. I was beyond worried that you had left already." Closing his eyes, he ran his cold hand through his hair. She could see that he felt terrible and all of her previous worries began to fade away.
"Here, why don't you have a seat. You look really tired." With a small smile, she motioned to the chair that he had his hands on. She couldn't look away as he removed his jacket and attempted to straighten out his clothes that were disheveled from his run.
"Oh, thank you. I am. It's been a very long day. It must be a full moon because of all of the emergencies that came in tonight." Pulling the chair out, he sat down across from her. As his exhaustion tried to take over, he closed his eyes while leaning on his elbows that were upon the table.
Slowly his breathing began to calm, and it was enough for him to be able to sit up to look around the café. By now, most of the patrons had moved on and the atmosphere in here had been transformed into a calm flowing energy. She could finally see the appeal of a place like this.
Turning her attention back to Allen, she watched as he hunched over to rub his temples and noticed the dark shadows under his eyes. Wasn't that a sign of something? Wait, it was. He always got those dark circles when he was having a migraine. Was he still getting his migraines regularly? She remembered how debilitating they could be for him.
Instead of asking about that, she dove in.
"Why didn't you just send me a text to say that you were going to be late? I honestly thought that you had stood me up and I was about to leave." She glanced at her phone and questioned the doubt that maybe she had missed a text back from him. No, she was fairly certain there wasn't anything.
With a look of disbelief, he sat up in his chair and slapped his forehead before wincing in pain while letting out a loud groan.
"Gods. Seriously!? My brain must be so fried that I didn't even think about texting!" The frustration within himself overflowed as he scowled before he quickly changed expressions and apologized.
"Lydia, I'm so, so sorry. It was stupid of me not to text. Please know that I would never stand you up on purpose. I can't imagine what was going through your mind." His face dropped and suddenly she recognized that look. She knew that he was berating himself senseless inside of his head.
This time it was her turn to straighten up when he leaned forward and spoke to her.
"To be honest, you're the only person I've ever texted so it's easy for me forget that it's an option. On top of it, when I'm at work my phone is strictly in my desk. After my long hours it's not something that I would even think of checking. But I'm not making an excuse. This is my fault. I really should have given you more consideration." Letting out another long sigh, he began to rub his forehead before pinching the bridge of his nose. No doubt about it, he had to have been fighting one of his migraines. In that moment, she couldn't help but feel sympathy for him. Wait, did he say that she was the only person that he texted?
To break the thick tension in the air, she giggled loudly and that drew his attention back.
"Look, I'm just happy that you're here now. Here let me order you a drink." With a gracious smile, she motioned to the person behind the counter, who also appeared to be just as relieved as she was that she wasn't alone anymore.
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As they nursed their drinks, there had been a long silence between them that had lasted from the moment they had received their order.
As Lydia held up her fancy mug of hot coffee with liqueur, she couldn't help but stare at him with a smile. Her mind wouldn't be quiet and refused to let her mouth get a word in edgewise. He really was here wasn't he? It was too easy to forget that this was reality. After all, since literally bumping into each other, the only communication between them had been through a handful texts.
As he was about to take another drink, he glanced up but stopped when he saw that she was staring at him.
"What are you smiling about?" He asked before quickly looked down into his Irish Coffee.
The hot drink felt good on his reddened and aching fingers. Even now they were still trying to warm up from when they were exposed to the frigid weather's bite. His mind had been so laser focused on getting here that in his haste he didn't put on his gloves.
"I'm just happy. Thank you again for coming to meet me. I never would have believed that I'd be able to see you again, but I also need to confess something…" she paused to take a drink and he adjusted in his seat. She watched as he took a deep breath while waiting for her to continue.
"It's really, really weird seeing you with short hair." Her smile appeared to beam brighter as she let out a happy sigh.
He didn't laugh like she thought he would, instead he gave a half smile. None of this still felt real to her.
"Thanks? Uh, your hair looks nice with how long it is now, but I also need to confess… I've, uh, I've been pretty nervous about this meeting. Even now…" He calmly admitted as he held the warm Irish Coffee to his cheek while his eyes were focused on the cold pastries in the glowing glass case. Yet, to her, he didn't appear to be nervous at all.
"Me too." She laughed out a little too long for her own comfort. She was really hoping that this wouldn't be awkward but that wasn't being realistic at all. This was life and life wasn't all sunshine and roses was it?
Her gaze joined him as it settled upon the pastries as well. This case looked incredibly similar to the one that was in The Coffee House that he used to worked at. Her thoughts traveled back in time and she remembered how happy he was whenever she had visited him at work. Even to this day, she often found herself craving those caramel cookies that he used to make there. The thought abruptly ended when she reminded herself that after he had left her, she never did go back there. Guilt rose up within her but instead she focused on something else.
"So, tell me, what have you been up to? What made you want to become a doctor?" She asked while trying to lighten the mood. Honestly, she really did want to know. She had been so curious about his life and who he was now.
"Well, after I moved back in with Oma and Opa, I decided to change my direction for my schooling. As you saw, I chose the medical field. I wanted to make a difference in this world. I wanted to help others when they needed it most." He explained but his voice didn't carry the same expressive cadence that she used to know. By all means he outwardly appeared to be happily talking about his life but now that she had spent a little time with him, she knew better. It was like she had a sudden refresher as she watched for the subtle clues that she had once forgotten all about.
No, she understood that he was wearing his mask and she tried to not let it sting her like it did. Still, there was something else, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Not only was he wearing his mask, but something felt off. It was like he was a monochrome rainbow.
Brushing it off, she conceded that she honestly didn't know anything about him anymore. She shouldn't compare him to the person that she had used to know. She wasn't the same person at all since then so why would he be? It wasn't fair to her or him to be compared that way.
"You're so noble." She beamed once again. Hopefully, she could keep the mood upbeat and the conversation flowing.
"Oh no. I'm just doing what I can. It's honestly not a lot." He sighed out and looked away again. It had almost felt like she was blown off. Okay, well, that didn't work. Oh! She knew what she could talk about…
"How are Opa and Oma? You might not believe it, but I really do miss them. Sometimes father would tell me about how Oma would stop to chat with him whenever he was outside and she was on her route." Leaning on one arm, she was truly enjoying catching up with him even if she was fighting hard against the sadness and guilt that wanted to rear their ugly heads.
"They're good. They're still living in same place in Eagle Hill and going strong. Both still work for the post office. I see them whenever I get enough time off but as you can tell it's not as much as I'd like. In fact, I haven't seen them in almost a year. Even then it was only for one day. Holidays are typically incredibly busy for hospitals." He shared while straightening up the stray silverware on the table. Suddenly sitting up to full attention he stopped what he doing when he had glanced over to her. Biting her quivering lip, she gripped her chair while struggling to fight back her tears.
"I'm, I'm so glad to hear that they're well." Her wobbly voice nearly cracked as she spoke. "I, I, I always wanted to stop and say hello, but I felt it would've been too awkward and… I doubt that they would have wanted to see me anyways." Her tears hung on precariously as they defiantly refused to fall from her lashes. Please, tears, no! I need to stay strong.
"They, uh, miss you too. When they thought I wasn't listening, they would talk about you. All good things, so don't worry. They were really hoping that we would get back together." Looking away, he was clearly attempting to give her some space to compose herself.
As he readjusted in his seat, he read the menu that was hanging above the counter on the wall.
"Uh, What about you? What do you do?" Still he didn't look at her as she wiped her eyes clear and sat up.
"I work for The Gallery in Hartford. I was hired shortly after, uh, things happened, and I've been working for them since. It's a good job and it's been great exposure for my photography. I'm able to sell some of my pieces and recently I was informed that my work was starting to become popular." She smiled while feeling a bit stronger. No, she wanted him to know that she was okay.
He was quick to turn back around and then lean forward in her direction.
"You still do photography? I'm glad to hear that. I remember how much happiness you would get from it. I always believed that you had the eye for it."
"Thank you." With a slight blush, she accepted the compliment but had been surprised by how attentive he now appeared to be.
Not wanting her drink to go cold, she lifted it up to take a sip. It was then that she noticed that for just a second, he had tilted his head and then back before leaning into his chair.
"Are you married?" He asked with an expression that Lydia couldn't read. She was scared of hurting him with her answer but there wasn't any hint of anger, hurt, or sadness in his question… he was only acting like he had been since she had met him again.
"I am." With a bittersweet smile, she lifted her hand and admired her wedding band. Memories from her wedding day, her husband, and the happiness that he brought her began to warm her heart. It made her wish that Beetlejuice was home already. She missed him so much.
Looking up from her ring and then over to Allen she was reminded of something more. How once there was a time that she had longingly only wanted to have this with the man that was now sitting across from her. It was a future that had been cut short before it's prime. Even after all of these years although to a lesser degree, she could feel that the hurt and sadness that still resided within her.
"Any children? I remember how you said that you always wanted to have kids. It would suit you. As I recall, you always were amazing with kids." His question jolted her from her memories, but for a split second, she could have sworn that she heard his true voice ring through. Though she knew that it had been only wishful thinking. Taking a deep breath, she answered him.
"No, we are unable to have children." She met his eyes and gave a noncommittal smile. It was still a tender spot, but she had long ago accepted that was just how it was.
"I'm sorry to hear that. May I ask why?" He asked while setting his drink down.
She paused, taking her time to take a deep drink, and then slowly set her mug down. How did she even explain this without hurting him? She sighed and realized that just saying the truth was the only way.
"Because he's a ghost. I married Beetlejuice." Her sad eyes carefully watched for his reaction as her hands tightened around the warm mug.
He didn't react or even blink. For a couple of seconds, she thought that he appeared to be frozen like someone had pressed the "pause" button on a remote. Maybe it was just her who was the one paused?
Again, like nothing was out of the ordinary he took a drink and gently set down the glass.
"Are you happy?" He ran his finger over the rim of his drink to clean away some of the foam that had collected there.
"I am. I love him very much, he's my world, and he's good to me. It's like he is a different person, uh, ghost from the one that you used to know. He's has his moments, like we all do, but he has been very supportive when I needed him the most." She smiled gently as the words were easy and yet, oh so, hard to say.
"I'm glad. Really, I am. I was worried about you." His eye met hers and a tenderness resonated within that moment. It was like an enchanted bubble formed around them while creating a safe place and instantly she felt more at ease.
Closing her eyes, she took a renewing deep breath but when opening them she found him trying to adjust his button up shirt again.
"What about you? Is there a special somebody?" She asked in an upbeat manner while hoping that he had someone there for him during those tough years like she did with Beetlejuice. She didn't want to imagine him alone like that. She didn't want to imagine that it had been anything like her nightmares that she used to have.
"No." Even though it was a soft but a short one word answer his voice still did not share any of his feelings.
Shifting uncomfortably in her chair she swallowed down any more of the sadness that wanted to resurface. When she felt that his eyes were on her again, it suddenly made her feel self-conscious. Did she look how she felt? Was she making things worse between them? She still had so much more to say to him yet how could she when even small talk was so hard?
Clearing his throat, she took that as an opening to look over to him. His head was tilted upwards towards the ceiling and he appeared to be looking at something in particular. Whatever it was, she couldn't see but it was then that his voice broke the uncomfortable silence.
"I focused solely on my schooling and so I didn't have time to socialize. Afterwards I started my residency and then was hired in at the hospital here. Again, both were completely time consuming." Folding his arms, he looked over to her as he continued. She then realized that he was only sharing all of this with her so that she didn't feel as uncomfortable anymore.
"I just don't have time for any of that sort of stuff when I barely have time for myself." He paused to gauge her reaction.
"Plus, you know how it is for me with other people. I just don't work that way. I never have." Putting his arm over the top of the chair, he leaned back on it while looking to the side.
It was true. She had never known him to connect with anyone else besides Opa, Oma, and for a special time, her. He used to share how he wished that he could but inside of him there was something that had prevented it. He was an empathic who could feel what everyone else was feeling and thinking but he still couldn't emotionally connect with others. She couldn't even fathom how difficult that might have been.
Thanks to his gift, he was amazing at faking normalcy and no one else would have been the wiser. According to him, when you can't feel that simple human connection, you aren't distracted by it. You have all the time to watch and learn the subtleties of inflection and body language.
The wall within him was inconceivably tall and just over seven years ago, she had also been exiled to the other side. She was stuck on the outside of that impenetrable wall and mask. How she wished that she could see what was behind it again. Who was the real Allen anymore?
"I do." Nodding, she leaned forward and gently touched his arm in the hopes to reassure him that he wasn't alone.
Turning his head quickly, clearly surprised at her touch, he stared at her hand as if he couldn't understand what she was doing. She thought that he reacted as if her touch had given him an electric shock.
Suddenly he stood up and grabbed his jacket. Had she gone too far? Did he not like to be touched? All sorts of panicked thoughts argued within her head until she heard his voice.
"They're closing soon. Did you want to go to my place to continue this talk? It's not too far from here. If not, there might be someplace that's not a bar that may still be open late but I'm not sure if there is. I remember how you never liked bars." He softly offered while watching her as he began to put on his jacket.
She began to weigh her options but before she came to a conclusion he continued.
"There's no pressure. We can always continue this another time if you would like to go home instead."
No, she didn't want this talk to wait until they could coordinate another day that would have been for who know how long from now. Her nerves couldn't handle that long of a wait. She wanted to get this over with. What she had to say next was going to be very personal and private. She wasn't even sure how emotional she would get. So, she concluded that the best option even if she knew that it was taking a risk, was trusting him and going to his place.
"Ok. I'm parked around the corner. So, if you'd like, I can drop you off at your car and follow you to your place." In a single beat of her heart, she felt a twinge of light illuminate her from within, but it faded just as quickly as it had started. He didn't reject her, and he still had showed her every sign that he was willing to talk more. There was so much that she still needed to say to him. There was so much that she owed him. She was going forward with trepidation while partially being prepared for his rejection tonight. She could only dare to hope as she followed him with a smile into the cold world outside.
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Lydia took a step through the door, that he had been politely holding open for her, and marveled at the large impressive space that was just part of his apartment.
"Je bent welkom." He said as he gently closed the door behind them. As she stood in wonder, he stepped by her to check for any messages on the home phone that was on the kitchen counter.
It was a modern and spacious loft that clearly used to be an old factory or warehouse. The space was filled with a strong, grounding energy, and didn't feel the least bit "cold" for being so open.
This space was an open layout, with no walls between the living room and the large kitchen. It was created with a clearly designated design in mind. The U-shaped kitchen was opposite the front door, abutted against a wall, and had an unobstructed view of the living area.
At the end of the black granite counters silently stood Allen, pinching his brow with his eyes clamped shut.
She couldn't stop her curious fascination with his home.
The whole place smelled clean with the hint of lemon but his cedarwood cologne was the underlying fragrance that stood out most for her. It was a nostalgic, comforting, and a warm aroma.
The living area was surrounded in the original brick, while one side had a breathtaking view of the lit-up city-scape through the wall to wall, large original factory's windows. She could only imagine how bright and cheerful it was during the day time.
Turning around, she saw that to the right of the front door was a bookshelf that took up most of the wall. It was nearly 12 feet tall and bursting with literature and it even had one of those neat, sliding ladders so that anyone could effortlessly reach their desired choice. She could have easily imagined that if someone were to pull the right book, a hidden door would spin them into another room.
"Wow! This place is wonderful." She gushed while turning to face the still unmoving Allen. She was blown away. She could only imagine what the rest of the apartment looked like.
Slowly unpinching his brow his softened gray-blue eyes silently met hers. A jolt whizzed through body, prompting her to look away. Everything still felt so incredibly awkward for her.
His socked footfalls began to move behind her as he stepped towards the long hallway on the right of the kitchen.
When he spoke, she turned back around to pay attention to him.
"Thank you." His voice sounded drained, but he continued. "Feel free to make yourself at home. I'm going to change. The guest bathroom is here on the left if you need to use it." As he explained, he pointed to a spot in the middle of the hallway while he continued to walk further on. Once at the end of the hall, he entered the darkened room and quietly shut the door behind him.
She loved looking around at all the eye candy that was hidden throughout. It was like the old "eye-spy" books that she used to enjoy looking through. She had recognized some of his witch paraphernalia and crystals that had been tastefully displayed and scattered throughout. Those were some of the only things that were familiar to her. On top of the bookshelf were old paintings, small decorative boxes, and vintage items. By the long ivory couch was an expensive sound system that sat upon an antique cabinet. Glancing through his books she saw that he had a little bit of everything in there. Because it was Allen, she was certain that he had read each of them from cover to cover.
She could only describe his decorative style to be very clean and heavily bedecked with mid-century-modern furniture.
It wasn't too long before he walked back out in a simple dark blue hoodie and jeans. He gave her a passing glance before he made his way into the kitchen and began to prepare a drink. As she watched, he began slicing limes and realized that he was making a vodka and tonic.
"Do you want one?" He offered when he caught her watching him.
"Please." She nodded as she made her way to sit upon the couch.
Sure, he wasn't really giving her attention, but it wasn't too bad so far. Besides, a drink would help ease her nerves. It might make these things a bit easier to say with a little liquid courage.
She must've been in her head for a while because when she blinked, he was now in front of her and offering one of the drinks that he held in his hands.
Before she could take it, he pulled it away for a moment.
"I'm not hitting on you and I have no intention to. I swear." He said in a serious tone and then offered the drink once more.
A small laugh escaped her as she accepted it and tried to not spill her drink on his pristine looking couch.
"I believe you. You always were forthright with everything."
As she tried to hold back more of her laughter, he joined her on the couch but sat far at the other side.
More silence followed as she began to struggle with what to say next. Sure, she had a lot to say but where to begin? As they drank, they both stared into their respective glasses.
By the time that she was nearly done with hers, some of the exposed ice cracked and shifted in her drink. It was as if it was signaling for her to try and get the ball rolling. How in the world did she drink hers so fast? Comparing his glass to hers, she found that his was nearly empty as well.
"Allen?" She swallowed knowing that she needed to continue.
His eyes were now on her and she knew it, but she couldn't muster the courage to look up at him just yet. The silence was so heavy.
"I have so much to tell you but first, I need to apologize. I'm truly sorry. I wouldn't blame you if you don't believe me but I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you when we were together. There was so much that I couldn't tell you and everything that was involved with that was so incredibly complicated." A broken smile was all that she could muster as she continued to try her best. She wanted this to go smoothly but this wasn't going to be easy.
"Lydia… you should have trusted me. Back then, no matter what it was, I would have listened. I would have been there for you, no matter what. I thought that you knew that. I thought that we were closer than that." His voice sounded firm, but he kept an even tone as he watched his ice move around in his glass.
"I know it didn't seem like it, but we were… but… Gods, how do I explain this? I owe you so much. So much more than my apology. I owe you an explanation." Her apologetic eyes begged him to look at her. She was asking for his mercy, patience, and understanding but she could never expect forgiveness. She didn't deserve that.
As if he heard her silent request, he lifted his eyes to hers and listened.
"As you know, I met BJ when I was 12 and I had released him from a curse. Only, there are some things that I never explained to you."
She didn't move her eyes from his no matter how much she had wanted to. Thankfully he silently listened without any reservations showing on his face.
"A curse cannot be lifted unless you fulfill its requirements. You see, the way the other world works… it is full of paperwork and rules. The laws of balance are strictly enforced. For everything given, something must be taken in equal amounts." She stopped for a moment to hopefully break it into easier pieces to swallow.
"I chose to enter into a contract with Beetlejuice. It was to help him out while taking the place of the curse. This contract granted me the power to call and send him back. I could have my friend anytime that I wanted and he had most of his freedom back. I didn't think much about it at the time even though I had agreed to all of the terms of the contract... including the price for which I had to pay for my part in it."
She paused to take another drink as she finished off her glass. Her mouth was going dry and the lime was a small but refreshing oasis.
"As a kid, I didn't think that any of it was a bad thing and I agreed to pay because I was able help my best friend. Allen, please remember, I was only 12 when I naïvely signed my future away. The contract had said that in order to free him, I had to marry him when I turned 18." The butterflies in her stomach began to riot and swing some maces around. Sheesh, her butterflies were so violent. How she began to wish for another drink.
"So, you got married to him when we were still dating?" His face made it clear that he was trying to process everything and sort out a timeline. Yet still, he didn't look upset which she had expected. Ok so far, so good… she hoped.
"No, I didn't. Well, I almost did… do you remember how I disappeared on my 18th birthday? It was then that I had begged them to alter the contract and they generously gave me an extension until my 25th birthday.
Even then, I still felt obligated to marry him because he had saved me from my unbearable childhood. If it wasn't for him… well, I wouldn't be here today. I wanted to do the same for him. Even so, I didn't want to marry him. I didn't love him beyond friendship. I had only loved you. I didn't feel the least bit of attraction to him in any way.
But most of all, I was happy, truly happy with you. Those were things that I had only wanted and reserved for you and you alone." With a fragile smile, she let out a sigh into her glass and felt the cool air rise up off the ice.
"Then why did you do those things with him if you didn't want it?" He calmly asked, and she knew that he had to right to question it. Although if it had been her in his place, she would have been not as patient as he. She knew herself and she would have been accusatory and angry. For that she was very glad that he was not because it would have been too hard for her to continue.
"Unfortunately, with this new contract, it came with some very strict guidelines and requirements. The case workers were worried that we would marry just to release him. You know, like a marriage of convenience just to get a green card.
You see, if Beetlejuice was released, his true power would be returned to him. Before the curse, he was dangerously powerful and uncontrollable and for that he was a threat. So, they couldn't take any risks and cracked down on us to adhere to the contract." She sighed deeply while trying to calm that horrid guilt laced in anxiety. She really needed another drink.
"What were the rules?" He asked as he watched her stare nervously into her empty glass.
Standing up, he took it from her and walked to the kitchen. When she finally looked over to him, he motioned to her glass. She nodded with a small smile, thankful that he had understood that she had wanted another drink. As he quietly busied himself, she could tell that he was still paying close attention to her.
"They told us that we had… we had to prove to them that we were in a real relationship. That we were a real couple. I'm not sure how they can see everything, but they do. I tried to delay and ignore the requirements for as long as I could because I was absolutely true to you and had loved you with all my heart." She began to pet a strand of her long hair that hung over her shoulder. It was easier to have something to focus on, so she could find the words to delicately address his question while still being clear.
"I was told that I had to make my own requirements in addition to theirs. So, I made a ridiculous list hoping that BJ wouldn't follow through. I thought that if he couldn't do the things on my list; then I would be able to ask for a new contract to be written. One where I wouldn't have to marry him." Her unfocused eyes finally noticed movement. Once again, he was in front of her while holding out her refreshed drink. Thanking him, she gently took her glass.
"What happened?" He asked while still standing but listened to every little thing.
"He did everything on my list and, it was then that I knew that I had no choice but to do what they had requested… even if had meant doing those things that I didn't want to do." She stopped speaking as she held back her emotions. It began to suck her back into that hard time when she was left vulnerable and torn apart. She took another long drink, while staring out of the large windows, and became lost in the glittering city lights that broke through the darkness.
"Allen, I… I was required to be intimate with Beetlejuice… and that included sex." She had to stop, as a hiccup stuck in her throat and threatened to turn into a sob. Why was she so upset? She shouldn't feel like this. This was in the past and she had done those things with her now husband. So why? Why did she feel like she was breaking apart? Why did she feel so trapped? Why did she feel so utterly used and dirty? Why did it physically hurt to think about this?
The tremors in her hands were barely noticeable but the ice in her glass began to vibrate loudly from them. She knew that he could hear it too because he began to watch her glass as he stood motionless in front of her.
She felt incredibly self-conscious and she didn't want to draw any more attention to it. She didn't want to embarrass herself any further. How much more could she take tonight? She thought that she could be strong enough to do this but now her doubt was overbearing. Quickly setting the glass down on the coffee table, she hoped that her tremors and nerves would now abate.
Still he had not said a word about anything that she had just said. She could only guess that he was probably waiting for her to continue before he made any judgement… and so she did.
"I told BJ that I couldn't do it and so I carried on like normal. Unfortunately, we -had- to prove to the case worker that everything was done to the letter. Like I said, they have ways of seeing if it had been done and by the time we were in college, they began to put some serious pressure on us because it wasn't. They threatened to end the contract if we didn't. If they did that, he would have been doomed and I would have been cut off from the Neitherworld. I was scared that because of me, he could die. I didn't want to lose my best friend.
I felt cornered and desperate… so I made the difficult and horrible decision to finally do everything that they had asked.
I willingly offered my body as payment to save my best friend.
Even so, I wanted to get everything that they required of us done right away. That way I never had to worry about it again." She let out a sniffle and tried to stay strong, but she didn't know how.
"I had reasoned that because there was no romantic spark between Beetlejuice and I, they would have been willing to alter the contract. That by the time my 25th birthday came, they wouldn't have forced me to marry someone that I didn't love. I realize now, that it wouldn't have worked that way. It was just the fantasies of a desperate and naïve girl." The shame filled her and more of the old pains gushed forth.
"But It was eating me alive that I had to hide these things from you. I didn't want to, but I had to. It was just another one of the unbending rules that I couldn't tell you or anyone about because of the contract. If I had broken any part of the contract, in any way, they would have exiled BJ to death in Sandwormland." She fidgeted as she felt the tide within her begin to assault her brittle emotional walls.
Allen sat down again and continued to listen while watching her very carefully.
"I tried to find any loophole so that I could tell you. I really tried but each time, the magic had prevented me. I tried to tell you in any way that I could. Gods you have no idea how much I needed and wanted to tell you. I don't think you even knew how much I needed your support for this. I needed to cry on your shoulder, I needed your love, and most of all I needed to not feel so alone. I was struggling to live every day because the guilt was tearing me apart. I tried so hard to share it with you. Unfortunately, in the end I was punished for trying to tell you. They made it clear that they had no qualms with killing me." She had no idea how he would react to this information, hell, she didn't even know how she was going react!
"So, you had to sleep with him or he, a ghost, would be executed?" After he asked, she realized how idiotic it sounded. How much it sounded like a lie that was made up to justify her actions.
"Yes…at first." And with that, the fragile walls within her finally crumbled and her emotions began to flood in. Tears began to fall as she held back her sobs. She suddenly felt like that she was the same silly girl that was blindsided by him once long ago.
"I'm so ashamed to say that it had felt good to me, even if I didn't like having sex with him. You probably don't want to hear this, but you need to know. His magic, enhanced sensations… But I swear that when I was with you, I NEVER prompted or asked for sex with him. I ONLY did it because I knew that I had to. I believed that I wasn't cheating on you because I was doing what I was required to do it or else he would die. I still felt that I was being true to you because I had loved only you." Lunging forward, she grabbed her drink and finished it off before she had to try and continue as best as she could.
"By that time, you had confronted me. I was completely honest with you about everything that I was allowed to say. I only cared for him as a friend and I loved ONLY you.
After we got back together, I stood up to BJ. I put my foot down and I told him that I would never have sex with him again. He seemed surprised, but he agreed to it." Wiping her the tears from her face, she again tried to compose herself.
He deserved to know everything that happened even if it meant bringing up those things that could possibly ruin any chance of friendship between them. She shifted in her seat to face him. With lips trembling, she began to shakily speak to him again.
"When you left for that trip, he came onto me. He wanted to have sex and told me that it would be the last time he would ask if I agreed to it. I still believe that he meant it. At first, I had told him no. Maybe it was his energy or his magic because I couldn't think clearly anymore. I didn't want to do it, but I stupidly got caught the up in the heat of the moment. Finally, I agreed to it because after that, it meant that I could finally be yours and yours alone. I know that's no excuse. It doesn't change that I willingly allowed it to happen." Her heart began to break again as she realized how beyond stupid her thought process was during that time. She had to stop making excuses.
With her vulnerability exposed, she looked over to him while wishing that she had something more that was not so terrible to tell him. She didn't know if there was anything that she could say that could help heal the pain and deeds that were inflicted upon them.
"I know it's all my fault. I don't think I could ever express how much regret and shame I have had because I was so weak to him. I hated that. I hated myself for it.
The day that you walked out of my life… I was shown how inexcusable it was. I'm a weak and wretched girl who didn't stand up for what she believed in." Once again, her hands began to shake uncontrollably, and her words became harder to say.
"Again… It doesn't change the fact that I willingly betrayed you in the hopes to break the cycle so that we could have a future. On top of it, I blatantly lied to you. I was so cruel to have hurt you. You didn't deserve it. I had nothing but love for you and it was taken away because of lust." Bending into her lap, she gasped as she tried to hold back her sobs that began to force their way out. She was still ashamed of herself. Her guilt would not relent, and she had deserved all of the torture that she had put herself through.
As she struggled to breathe, she tried to calm down, so she wouldn't hyperventilate and also, so she could continue. She had to finish what she was trying to say. So, she focused on calming her breathing. With her head between her knees, she cupped her face as her tears still flowed.
Lifting her head to look at him, she didn't care how horrible she may have looked in that moment. She felt as fragile as thin glass, but she more to say.
"I know talk is cheap but… Please forgive me! I know I don't deserve it. I was a stupid immature girl, who threw away our future. I didn't deserve you. You were always an angel to me and I abused your trust and love." Her lip trembled as she struggled to stay strong. Through her tears she watched him and hoped for some miracle that he would forgive her. She knew she didn't deserve it. She didn't! She was as just tainted and wicked as her beloved Beetlejuice.
"I'm not an angel." He interjected darkly while setting his drink down.
"An angel would have forgiven you or tried to work it out.
I didn't want to deal with it and I knowingly made the pain last longer that way. I couldn't face you no matter how much I may have loved and needed you.
I knew that I could have fixed it. I knew that you would have accepted me again. I knew that our life could have continued on like nothing had ever happened.
I didn't come back because I'm not a good person.
I chose not to come back. I chose to kill our relationship, our dreams, and take away any future that we had together. I willingly hurt you. I knew how much you needed me. Still, I ignored your feelings because under that façade you loved, I am a disgusting and vile person.
I chose to sever all connections, and in the end, I chose to terminate it because I wasn't strong enough to face reality." He scoffed but didn't break eye contact with her. He needed her know his true nature. See him for who he was. No illusions or fantasy that she may have had of him.
"I forgive you Allen. You didn't do anything wrong!" She moved quickly and pulled him into a hug.
As she held him tightly, she began to realize that his body was stiff, and he wasn't reciprocating. Instantly, she felt terrible as she awkwardly pulled away from him.
"I'm sorry." She sniffed, rubbing her eyes while returning to her place on the sofa.
"Don't ever build me up to be some sort saint… I'm not. I am nothing but a tainted person who cannot connect with others. So, don't expect me to be anything else." Clasping his hands between his legs, he blankly stared at his feet.
"I don't expect anything from you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but…" Taking a deep breath, she turned to face him while he watched her with his now sharp eyes.
"I've missed you. I've missed our friendship. I've missed the long talks that we used to have. Our nature walks. I was hoping that… that maybe we can be friends again. That's if you would like that. I'll understand if you didn't want that though." Sheepishly her words flowed as she felt completely selfish for even asking any of this from him.
He didn't owe her anything. She knew that he had every right to reject her and tell her to never see or talk to him again.
For a while, he wrung his hands together in total silence.
Pulling her legs up, she held herself as she watched him and waited for his judgement.
After a bit, he stood up and began to pace in front of her. His face was one of contemplation, confusion, and occasionally mild frustration. It was like he was having a conversation with someone inside of his head. Every once in a while, he would stop to face her but then he would quickly go back to pacing.
Finally, he broke the cycle and walked over to stare out of one of the large windows.
She didn't dare hope as she waited patiently for his reply. She knew that he wouldn't leave her hanging but still… as time sluggishly passed by, she was filled with incredible pain, worry, and doubt.
Turning to face her, he stood stone still for a bit before he locked eyes with her. It was then that she saw a very, very soft but faint smile grace his lips. It was almost like it wasn't there but to her, it felt like he was looking right into her soul with that smile. When she blinked, his face had returned to its unreadable stance. It was like for just a moment, his old self peeked out before quickly hiding away again.
"I've missed you too. Probably more than you know. You were my one and only friend." Stepping a little closer to her, he still kept his distance.
She held her breath, afraid to breathe for fear of breaking this spell.
Taking another step closer, he held out his hands to caution her while letting her know to stay where she was. He had more to say and she listened with rapt attention.
"Lydia, I need to let you know…. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to open up, if at all, to you again. It's not because of you. It's because I can't. I literally cannot because I'm closed up." Again, it appeared that his migraine raged on as he held a hand up to his forehead. He looked so very tired. How long had he been fighting the pain that throbbed inside of his skull today?
"After things happened between us… How can I explain this? I shut down. I sealed up my heart like I did when I was a child. That was before Opa and Oma rescued me.
I haven't been able to open it up to anyone anymore and I do mean anyone. This also includes Oma and Opa. So, no matter how much I may have wanted and tried with them, it doesn't happen. All of my gifts are gone." Still careful to keep his distance, he sat down on the couch. Facing her again, she couldn't read his expression and it all now made sense why.
"I may never open up with you and for that I apologize. I know that isn't what you wanted to hear but I had to be honest. Even so, I'm willing to try and be your friend again." After he had said his piece, he silently watched her carefully and waited for her response.
"So… you're saying that your empathy is completely gone? You can't read anyone's mind anymore or anything?" She questioned but her words felt fragile. Silently he nodded his response, and she immediately felt a deep sadness when watching him. Her betrayal had left him damaged beyond repair and it was all her fault. She had wanted to make it up to him and help him. Yet all she had done was something horrible to him. She had taken away his only connection to the world. Perhaps she could help now? She had to show him that things would be ok.
"I understand and respect that. I'm not going to force anything on you." She said, as she leaned over to risk touching his hand again by giving him a couple of quick but gentle pats.
A yawn made its abrupt escape from her mouth and shattered the special moment. Internally she cursed how quickly that alcohol had gone to her head. She had wanted to talk more but… oh gods, was she tired.
"I know how it can be a pain to drive from Providence to Hartford, do you have a hotel that you're staying at tonight? I can call a cab for you if you are." He asked as he watched her yawn again.
"Hmm no. I planned to drive back tonight, and I probably should get a hotel but…" Her eyes began to feel very heavy and tired. In fact, she didn't even realize that she didn't finish her sentence.
Allen pulled out his cellphone to find the numbers for a hotel and cab but stopped to look at her.
"You're welcome to stay here for the night. I can sleep on the couch and you can have my bed. My bedroom door locks from the inside if you're concerned about that. If you're not comfortable with it, I'll be happy to pay for a cab and your hotel room just so that you don't have to drive anywhere tonight. I couldn't live with myself if I let you drive in the state that you're in, believe me, I've seen what has happened when people do. You can even choose from any hotel that you want, ok?" He looked genuinely concerned and for that she was surprised. Did he think that she didn't trust him? She really couldn't impose, and she knew how expensive even the "cheaper" hotel rooms were in this area. Her measly budget couldn't handle getting a room anywhere.
Weighing her options, she swallowed while trying to sober up her brain enough just in case she needed to drive home.
"Are you sure it's ok if I stay here? Wouldn't I be putting you out? You probably have to work tomorrow, and I don't want to take away your comfortable bed. I've already taken up so much of your time and I wouldn't want take anything more from you." She wanted to make sure he was totally ok with it. The thought of burdening him was not something that she could have handled on top of her already rough night.
"Yeah. Don't worry about me. You'd be surprised at the places I've slept in the hospital, so this couch will be like a cloud in comparison to some of the chairs there." He lightheartedly joked while standing up to stretch.
Leaping up, she couldn't hold back and hugged him. She was bursting with so many wonderful emotions and how she wished that she could share them with him. So, this was the closest thing she could do.
"Thank you. All I can offer you is my friendship but I'm so happy about this." Giving him a big squeeze, her wide smile could not express the joy that she felt under her skin. She wasn't expecting anything from him, but she was happily surprised to feel the lightest of touch when he hugged her back.
"It's nice being near you again Lydia. I do hope that we are able to have a good friendship again." Quickly standing back, he put a notable distance between them.
Stilling her tears, she couldn't stop the goofy and wobbly smile from her face.
"I'll go change the linens." He said as he turned towards the hallway but before he did, he paused. Confused, she watched him with uncertainty. For a couple of seconds, he didn't move a muscle but when he did, he blinked, and then looked directly at her. Finally, he gifted her a small but heartfelt smile. With that, he took off to busy himself with the linens.
Lydia was gobsmacked. Was that? It was wasn't it? At least she really had hoped that it was. No, she was going to say that it was, even if it wasn't.
That was the first real smile that he had willingly given her since they had met again.
Smiling like a fool, she couldn't move as she fought off the disbelief from this small miracle that she had just witnessed happen tonight.