ECLARE FAN FOREVER BABY!

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Chapter Thirty-Five

All Out of Love

Eli drove with no proper idea where his destination was going to be. All he was sure of was that Clare wasn't talking to him and she didn't want anything to do with him anymore; the way she stood to the side and didn't speak at the Bhandari's house when Alli threatened to call to police was all the proof he needed of that.

He wasn't certain if she was acting this way out of anger and hurt or if she was seriously not going to talk to him again; either way, he knew that he deserved it. The only thing important to him now was that Clare was upset and it was his fault. In the back of his mind he blamed Kate for what happened, but he knew that it wouldn't have been right for him to not accept some responsibility.

His thoughts were consumed by Clare, Kate, even more of Clare, and this unfortunate day for at least an hour until he decided to stop driving around town and pull over to the side of the road. He turned down the radio, unable to listen to anymore lyrics that had to do with love or heartbreak. Eli tried to clear his head . . . a mission that failed miserably. All he saw was Clare's sad, heartbroken face and her tear-filled eyes.

Deciding to make an attempt to make things right one more time, he pulled out his phone and called Clare's number. The phone rang three times and then her voice filled his ear.

"Hi, it's Clare," her outgoing message greeted him for the fourth time that day. "Sorry I missed you but leave a message and I'll call you back soon."

"Clare, it's me," he began to leave his message. "I just wanted to let you know . . . I'm sorry about what happened and . . . I need to talk to you about it because it isn't what you think. I know that's a stupid thing for me to say, but please believe me. I didn't want it to happen and I'm sorry that it did. I can't tell you the whole story in one message so . . . please call me back. Please."

He hung up the phone and fought all temptation to call her again. Eli knew that if he kept calling her, she'd never want to talk to him. So, from that point on, he decided to give her space until she called him back. Unfortunately, he didn't know when she'd call back . . . assuming she did call back.

Once again, he started driving, but this time he knew his destination.

He parked Morty into his driveway and made a beeline straight to his room. His parents weren't home, so he didn't need to worry about disturbing anyone as he slammed his bedroom door and threw his backpack forcefully into the corner. He lied down on his bed and wiped his eyes of the tears that still remained in him.

He rolled over on his side and looked on his nightstand; there was a clock, a lava-lamp, a comic, an empty soda can, and, most importantly, a picture frame. It was a simple, navy-blue picture frame, but that's not what made it special. The picture was special . . . the person in it was special.

It was of Eli and Clare over the summer break. The two of them and Adam went to an amusement park just outside the city to celebrate the end of the school year. It was fun, just the three of them hanging-out. Eli took the picture off the table and looked at it. His arm was around Clare's shoulders and her head rested on his shoulder. She was also holding a plush panda bear that Eli won for her at the game with the bottles and ball. They were both grinning as they stood under a tree outside the park. Adam took the picture and gave it to Eli once he got all the others printed.

This had since become Eli's favorite picture, not just because it resembled a great day he had going on the rides, playing the games, and eating carnival food. It was also a day he spent with his best friend and girlfriend . . . a day he would never forget.

He now tried to hold back tears as he thought the worst. Clare would probably never forgive him for what he did, and that would mean that reflecting on all the memories of her, the two of them together, or the two of them with Adam would be painful to reflect on. He also knew that if Clare didn't forgive him, he wouldn't be able to have pleasant times, like the carnival, with her again.

This very thought broke Eli. He put the picture back on the side table before screaming into a pillow. He screamed as loud as he could until he ran out of air when and finally stopped. It didn't really make him feel any happier, but he got out some frustration. He lied his head back down on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. He replayed the day in his head, feeling more and more stupid, not to mention guilt-ridden, every time he did so. It wasn't too long until he felt tears start to glide silently out of his eyes.

He knew he was torturing himself, but he didn't care. Clare was heartbroken, distraught, and feeling a hundred – maybe even a million – times worse. In fact, even though Eli didn't know it, Clare was sitting in her room at this very moment crying her eyes out as she wrote a very depressing story about betrayal. Since Eli knew she felt that bad, he accepted that it was only fair he felt the same pain, therefore he didn't try to stop the day's horrid events from soaring through his mind. Even if he did make the attempt to cease the images, they would just keep on playing like a horrible movie. It was as though venom was streaming through his veins at an alarming rate.

Eli didn't know how long he lied there, but after what felt like an eternity, he was snapped out of his zone by the sound of his phone ringing. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and read the caller ID. He was slightly crestfallen to see that it wasn't Clare calling, but Adam.

"Hey," he greeted glumly.

"Hey. Did you talk to Clare yet?" Adam asked.

"I tried to but she doesn't want to see me. I just left a message on her phone telling her to talk to me when she's ready," Eli explained, the idea of not hearing Clare's voice being close to unbearable.

"That's a good plan. How're you holding up?"

"Badly," he put bluntly.

"I'm sorry Eli," Adam sympathized. "Need to talk?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I just need some time to myself."

"Okay, I understand. Good luck; I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks; see ya," Eli said before hanging up his phone and putting it on his nightstand.

()()

He stared at his phone for centuries . . . or at least that's how it felt to him. It might have been an hour, it might have been five minutes, but all of time seemed to last forever. Eli knew that if he kept looking at the phone, it would never ring. He used all will power he had to not call Clare, but it was a hard battle. Accepting the fact that she wouldn't be calling anytime soon, Eli walked out of his room and left the phone behind on the table.

He walked down to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. He walked into the kitchen to see CeCe and Bullfrog talking.

"Hey there, stranger," CeCe joked when she saw Eli come in.

"How long have you guys been home?" he asked pulling out a water bottle from the refrigerator.

"A few minutes," Bullfrog answered.

"How was school – sweetheart, are you okay?" CeCe asked, seeing Eli's red eyes.

"Fine," Eli lied before taking a drink.

"Are you sure? You look like you've been crying?"

Eli didn't respond; instead he just stared at the ground while screwing the cap back on the bottle.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he attempted to mislead.

"Eli, if there's something on your mind –."

"I'm fine, Mom. Okay?" he repeated angrily. He then saw CeCe's shocked and slightly hurt face before he started to feel worse than ever. "I'm sorry; Clare and I just . . ."

"Oh no," CeCe said sadly.

"You guys broke-up?" Bullfrog asked sympathetically.

Eli shrugged; he honestly didn't know what this meant for them. Obviously they weren't an item anymore, but it wasn't like Clare to walk away from a dedicated relationship without hearing every side of the story. Unfortunately, he knew that he would be acting the same way if he walked in on Clare kissing a childhood friend he didn't trust.

"Do you need to talk, baby boy?" his mother asked comfortingly.

Eli shook his head before heading into the living room. However, he doubled-back and stepped in the kitchen again.

"Are you guys particularly close with the Parkers?" he asked.

"Um . . . well . . ." Bullfrog debated in his head. "They are nice, but not the same couple we knew from school. You saw how it was when we went to their house that one time; we didn't exactly have much in common. It was one of those instances when you think people would be the same as they were way back when, but they're not."

"I know the feeling," Eli muttered to himself. He knew the grade one Kate would've have gone this far to get something she desired; the grade twelve Kate, however, didn't care who she hurt as long as she got what she wanted.

"But that doesn't mean you and Kate can't be friends," Bullfrog added quickly.

"I think I'll pass on that," Eli said before leaving the kitchen for real this time and entering the living room.

He sat down in an armchair while he massaged his eyes with his index finger and thumb on his left hand as he clenched the bottle in his right. He sat there for who knows how long just thinking about the day again. He wanted to be with Clare right now and comfort her and assure her that he still loved her.

Eli sat there for a while, but he saw his dad enter the room after a bit more time had passed.

"Dinner's in five minutes," Bullfrog told Eli as he sat on the sofa.

"Can I pass? I'm not really hungry."

"Are you sure you're okay? You don't seem yourself."

Eli shrugged, not sure if he wanted to tell what happened today or not.

"Today seriously sucked, that's all," he sugarcoated.

"Sorry about that. Are you really sure you don't want to talk about what happened with Clare?"

Eli didn't know what to do or how to handle this and he doubted that screaming into a pillow until Clare talked to him again was going to help.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. What is it, son?"

"When you and Mom were dating did you do anything incredibly stupid? Something that could've been prevented but it happened anyway?"

"I'm guessing you and Clare got into a fight," Bullfrog assumed.

"Something like that."

"What happened?"

"I don't wanna talk about it . . . let's just say I did something unbelievably stupid and she's probably not gonna talk to me again."

"It couldn't have been that bad," Bullfrog said.

"Dad, if I was in Clare's position, I wouldn't want to talk to me again."

"So it is that bad?"

"You have no idea," Eli sighed.

"Well, don't beat yourself up too hard; I'm sure whatever you did will either blow over or Clare will forgive you. Just give it time."

"I wish it was that easy," he replied.

"Hey, the Clare Edwards I know will come around at some point, talk to you, you'll make up, and you two will be able to pick up where you left off."

"I hope you're right," Eli accepted. "Thanks Dad."

"No problem," Bullfrog said. "You're sure you don't want to eat? Mom's making lasagna."

"I think I'm just gonna go in my room and think for a while," Eli excused himself.

"Okay; we'll save some for you though in case you get hungry later," Bullfrog called as Eli made his way out of the living room.

"Alright, thanks," Eli replied. He wouldn't want to; lasagna was Italian and he remembered Clare telling him months ago that she could make almost every Italian dish known to man. He recalled that the same day she told him this was also the same day they pledge to be together forever. Unfortunately, their dream of being together that long only lasted another three months.

He entered his room and sat down at his desk. His eyes immediately turned yet another picture he had of Clare. It was a print-out of four small photo-booth pictures that he had pinned to the wall above his desk. The pictures contained him and Clare from when they went to an arcade a few months after they started dating. Eli smiled at the memories of that day as he pulled out the thumbtack and took it off the wall.

He looked at the pictures. In the first one, he and Clare were simply smiling with his arms wrapped around her. In the second one, Eli was crossing his eyes as Clare stuck out her tongue. The third one had him and Clare throwing fake punches at each other. The final one had the two of them kissing. As he looked at it, he recalled the taste of Clare on his lips and tongue.

For the umpteenth time that day, he felt tears swell in his eyes. He looked at the pictures one more time before pinning them back on the wall.

"I'm sorry, Clare," he said to the smiling picture. "For everything."

Eli looked at the picture for countless more moments before he walked over to his bed. According to his watch, it was only seven o'clock. Funny, he'd thought it was later than that. He guessed time was going by painstakingly slow because he was dwelling on the hurt. But he couldn't help it.

Deciding that staying up any longer was just going to torture him, Eli stripped into his boxers and changed into a normal gray t-shirt that one size too big for him. He turned out his light and climbed into his bed. He lied on his side and saw the carnival picture that was visible thanks to the rays of streetlights that were able to creep through his blinds to make a soft blue glow in his room.

"I love you Clare," he whispered to the picture, wishing that it was the real Clare instead that was hearing his voice. "Please forgive me."

He stared at the picture until sleep overtook him at last.

"I'm lying alone with my head on the phone

Thinking of you till it hurts

I know you hurt too but what else can we do

Tormented and torn apart"

~ "All Out of Love" by Air Supply

I'll try to update next week when the next EClare related episode comes on, but school is stressing me out although I've hardly been back a week. But hopefully the episodes won't come on four times a week so I can actually have more time to edit what I've written. I'll see you guys next week! Please submit views of the "re" variety!