Disclaimer: I don't own YYH or the characters

So I had some unexpected delays in getting the chapter posted the past week. One, I have a broken ankle, and two, something had been really wrong with the uploader here so I waited until that was fixed. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Thank you so much for reading!

As the days went on, Botan still struggled with her grief. Some days she was numb to it, and others she was a complete mess. It made it more difficult for her to study, and her grades were starting to slip once again though it was nothing that couldn't be repaired. She was speaking with Shiori a lot more lately, trying to get passed everything. She was still struggling to understand how her father had lived such a double life. It seemed impossible to her to lie for even an hour to one person let alone to a whole city for years. He made the perfect image of himself, and usually when something was perfect, it really wasn't.

This double life concept was starting to haunt Botan more than she cared to admit. She caught herself wondering how anyone knew what she truly did. How did her mother know she was going to school? How did she know she wasn't out somewhere joining a gang or something? How did she know she truly got into college, or that she would even really be attending there in the fall? Botan knew the answers to these questions, but she didn't know how anyone could truly know a person. She was also brought back to a time before she knew Hiei was Pyro. Pyro had known the real her, but Hiei had fallen for her carefully constructed guise. In a way, she had lied to him and hid who she really was well. To be honest, maybe she was no better than her father.

She scoffed at the idea and shook her head, getting up to start her day. It was the weekend, and she and Hiei needed to get ready to meet up with Keiko and Yusuke for a double date. Keiko had offered up that opportunity as a distraction for Botan, and Hiei had instantly agreed. They were all going to go out to a nice restaurant somewhere in town. Botan appreciated what Hiei and her friends were doing for her, but she honestly just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a few hours. She knew doing so would concern everyone, so she just decided to grin and bear it and managed to change.

As she left her room, she heard her mother speaking to someone and she assumed it was Hiei. "I just don't know what to do for her," she heard her say. "Are you sure she's going to be okay?"

After a moment, she heard Hiei's confident and sincere voice. "She will be. She just has some things she needs to work out. She will talk to us when she's ready."

Sakura sighed. "I know you're right. Just…I don't want her to withdraw again. It was terrifying enough the first time."

"You don't have to tell me that," Hiei replied as Botan heard the movement of a chair indicating he had sat down. "Don't tell her this, but I sometimes still have nightmares about it. Had I not kept quiet about my identity, she would have had no one, and that thought alone torments me."

Botan was taken aback. She knew Hiei worried about her, but she had no idea he still thought about her past mistake. She heard her boyfriend chuckle sardonically. "Hn, listen to me," he remarked. "I guess I'm worse at letting things go than she is."

"She loves you," Sakura assured him, "so don't ever doubt that. I see it in the way she looks at you. What the two of you have is amazing, to come back from all of that. I'm so very happy that she met you and that you continue to be there for her."

"I'm never going to leave her," Hiei stated. "I know she sometimes fears that isn't true, especially now that her father…but it's just not going to happen."

"I know that," Sakura responded. "You're not like him, you know. Her father, I mean. You said one mean thing to her and actually had a reason, accepted fault, and apologized and then changed your actions so she knew just how much she meant to you. That man constantly said soul-damaging things since she was a child, blamed it on her or others in their family and me, never apologized, and continued to treat her like shit."

"How did…" Hiei started to ask wondering how the woman could voice one of his concerns. He knew he was nothing like Botan's father, but he had been fearful that her withdrawing and being less forthcoming with her emotions had anything to do with how she saw him. "Never mind. I'm just glad she's talking to Shiori. She will help her process this stuff that she's keeping quiet from us."

"Has she said much to you since the service?" Sakura questioned hopefully.

Hiei shook his head and looked down at the table. "I wish she was. I fear she thinks I won't listen because she'd be repetitive. She used to say that when we spoke online and I had to convince her that I didn't care if she needed to revisit anything. Her father isn't constantly abusing her all the time now, thankfully, but because of that it feels like she's holding back because she needs to rehash things. I know she can't understand why he did and said all the things he did and that him leading a double life troubles her, but that's the extent of my knowledge. What can I say to that if she does repeat it? I honestly don't know what to say because I don't understand it myself."

"Neither of you understand it because neither of you would do that," Sakura told him with a reassuring smile. "Lying about who you are is something foreign. Don't think Botan hasn't told me much about your relationship. You were always honest with her about your past and who you were before meeting her, and she's been very open and honest to you about her family and problems. You've both seen each other at your worst, and you don't hide it. He tried to hide all his mistakes or shift blame because he couldn't accept his mistakes. That's why you can't fathom anything he did."

Hiei shook his head. "No, you're right. I can't understand how he could say such hateful things to her. She's a beautiful and wonderful woman, accepting and loving. She didn't deserved to be wounded like that."

"One day the words will be just that," Sakura reminded him. "Right now, they're very present to her because not only did he send those messages recently, but he can never take them back. He can never tell her that he loved her or that his words meant nothing. He very much tried to hurt her, and she so desperately wanted him to be a father to her."

"That's another thing," Hiei growled. "How could someone treat their own daughter like crap and then treat every other child with the respect she deserved. Such hypocrisy makes me nauseous. He did a lot of charity work with the church and food pantry, and then-"

"He lived the life he wanted," Sakura interjected. "With no one out there to question him or challenge his actions, he could be whoever he wanted to be. To be honest, he may have felt guilt and that's why he did all of that charity work. He wanted to forget his wrong and pretend it wasn't there. Unfortunately, Botan and his family were the victims. Maybe he was trying to make up for his mistakes and he could only do that by doing charity work, but he avoided the people he should have made it right with. That man was afraid of confrontation."

Hiei breathed through his nose and then nodded. "You're right. I'm sort of glad I never met him. He would get all the confrontation in the world from me. I can't stand people like him."

Sakura stood up and moved to pat his back. "You're a good man, Hiei."

She left the teenager alone in the kitchen to soak up her words. When she left, he finally got up and started heading to the stairs so he could check on Botan. The woman had been upstairs for a while now when she only needed to change her outfit. Honestly, she had probably gotten herself upset and he definitely couldn't blame her. He just didn't want her to go through it alone.

Botan was no longer on the stairs but in her room with tears streaming down her face, her back pressed against the door. She had heard the whole conversation and it had both touched her and once again served as a reminder that things could never be worked out with her father. She loved the man, knew he had to be there in spirit for the fact that God took him quickly and didn't make him suffer indicated to her that he had been forgiven. She could forgive him, even. She always had wanted the opportunity. Now, though, she was left to deal with the hurt and her knowledge and logic couldn't even help her.

Hiei knocked on the door making Botan jump and gasp. Moving to her feet, she opened the door revealing her boyfriend on the other side. His expression was impassive yet she could see the concern shining in his irises and allowed him caress her cheek and wipe away her tears. He led her to her bed and sat her down as he went to get a warm, wet cloth to wash her face for her. "If you aren't up for this, we don't have to go," he assured her. "I don't want you to push yourself. I can call Yusuke if you want."

Botan nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just don't want to go out."

"It's fine," he replied running a hand through her hair and pulling her in for a kiss. He pressed his forehead to hers refusing to break contact with her. "Whatever you're comfortable with. I'm with you one hundred percent."

"I know," she murmured. "I love you."

He kissed her again before he grabbed her phone and left the room. He found Yusuke's number and called it, the teen answering immediately. "Hey, Botan, what's up?" he asked calmly sounding hopeful. Hiei could honestly relate to him.

"Sorry, it's not Botan," he informed the other male. "Botan isn't up for going out tonight."

There was silence for a moment before Yusuke said, "That might actually be a good thing. Keiko's not feeling very well right now. We're actually going to go to the doctor tomorrow so we're gonna be late for school. Let Botan know we love her, okay?"

"I will."

Hiei hung up the phone and reentered the room. Botan was in the same spot he left her staring at the wall unmoving. A chord was struck in his heart as he took a seat beside her. She didn't react when he engulfed her hand with his, didn't even squeeze back when he squeezed. He didn't release her, couldn't, as the two sat in a heavy silence. In fact, he wrapped his free arm around her and pulled her to face him. She continued to stare directly in front of her directly at his chest.

Eventually, her eyes met his as did her body and lips. Hiei had to removed his arm from her waist to prop himself on the bed and regain his balance. He had not been expected Botan to use such force as she pushed him once again to lie down on the bed. Her kisses were desperate and pleading, and Hiei could only move to trace her back with his hands. His eyes shot open as he felt Botan's innocent touches become not so innocent as she glided her hands underneath his shirt. He was paralyzed.

Botan pulled away for a moment allowing them both to catch their breath, but she stole Hiei's once again as she pulled his shirt off of him and resumed her passionate session. Hiei's arms wrapped around her and tightened. His eyes were wide in his shocked stupor. He stared at the door as he tried to make sense as to what was happening.

Surprisingly, Botan struggled a bit in his grip wanting to get free. Hiei did not want her to feel trapped, so he released her and watched her carefully, his face heating up as Botan reached for the hem of her own shirt. His hands landed on hers which seemed to snap her out of her trance. She looked down to his hands and then to his eyes, hers questioning his actions. "Trust me," he whispered, "you don't want to do this now."

"H-Huh?" Botan asked, hesitance entering her voice. "W-Why not? I-I thought…"

"Botan, I love you," he reminded her, "so much, and I can't let you do this. Not when you're hurting. You might think it will take the pain away, but I know how much it means to you to wait."

Botan frowned and looked off to the side. Hiei could tell his actions hurt her, but he just couldn't allow himself to indulge in her as he wanted when he knew she would regret it in the future. "I-I know you won't ever leave me, s-so what's the problem?"

"Remember that time you were talking in your sleep and when you asked what you said. I told you that you were commenting on me, but you said so much more than that. I didn't want you to think I was interrogating you or trying to invade your privacy, so I kept quiet."

"W-What did I say?"

Hiei rested one of his hands on the side of her face. "You said you always wanted us to be together and even started talking about the future and kids. You even said you were attracted to me and apologized for not being able to sleep with me. You admitted that you trusted me despite that."

Botan seemed surprised. "I-I said all that?"

Hiei nodded once. "You aren't ready Botan, even if you think you are. Your subconscious admitted it. It's not because you don't trust me or think I'll leave. You know I won't. I don't want you to give up your convictions when you're this emotionally vulnerable." Hiei's expression fell as he entangled his hand in her hair. "I don't want you to think it has anything to do with whether I want you or not. I do…believe me, I do. I just…don't want either of us to think we made a mistake in the future."

Botan knew he was right, but she still took it personally. She had honestly been surprised by her own actions, but she decided to give in because she felt like she needed a connection. To her, this had felt right in the moment, but once they stopped she felt incredibly stupid for allowing her grief to consume her and push her to physical intimacy when she wasn't ready.

Hiei could see that she was at war with herself and sat up. He pulled her to his lap so she was straddling him. She seemed skittish and resistant to him at first, but she allowed her arms to fall to her sides instead of pulled in seemingly guarding her. The hand entangled in her hair pulled her head to his lips. He rested them against her forehead. His hands then wandered to hers and he moved them to the front of his chest. He did not let go of her for a minute, keeping them in that position for a while. Neither of them discussed it further, and eventually the two were called down for dinner.

Botan pulled away to stare at Hiei with teary eyes. He couldn't understand why she looked as distressed as she did. "A-Are…" she stammered. "Are we okay?"

His expression softened, his eyes looking upon the woman with love and understanding. "Of course we are," he assured her. "Never think that we aren't. I promise, Botan, things are going to get better."

"How do you know?" she whimpered.

Hiei didn't know how he knew. He had always been the pessimist, and Rocker Girl would have to pull him out of his mood. She always had this belief everything would work out. Now, they're roles were reversed and Hiei didn't know how to fix it. "I just do, Botan," he replied. "Someone very wise once told me that these bad moments are only temporary. You'll pull through. You always do."

Botan seemed shocked that Hiei was quoting the things she told him as Rocker Girl. She never expected to hear those words as reassurance to herself. She could only give him a curt nod as an answer before they went downstairs and ate dinner with her mother. No one said anything at dinner, or even after they watched a movie together. Sakura, though, watched the two teenagers and smiled at the fact that Botan looked so content and peaceful resting against Hiei who had his arms firmly wrapped around her. It was the first step to getting her daughter back, she hoped. She didn't want Botan to suffer like this anymore.

By the time the movie was over, it was late and time for Hiei and Botan to head to bed. They had school the next day, which reminded Hiei of what Yusuke had said about he and Keiko being late for school. "Yusuke sent his and Keiko's love when I called," Hiei stated. "I forgot to mention that."

"It's okay," Botan whispered, getting into bed. "H-Hiei?"

"Hm?" he glanced over to her after he turned off the lamp on the night table.

"Do you think we'll ever…?"

"Are you really still worrying about that?" Hiei questioned incredulously. "Botan, I have not denied that I'm insanely attracted to you and struggle to maintain my control around you, but emotionally you aren't ready. You're so very vulnerable right now, and if I had let you continue with your actions earlier I would have been taking advantage of that. You want to expose yourself and I get that, but all it will accomplish right now is more pain and self-loathing and I refuse to be the cause of that. I love you too much to see you at war with yourself over a single issue. I don't care that you want to wait until marriage. I mean, I do care, but what I mean is it doesn't bother me. I'm in no rush, Botan."

"What if I decide I'm ready before marriage?" she voiced. "What then?"

Hiei relaxed as he smiled. "Then we'd take that step, but Botan, to know that you're ready, you can't be like this. You can't let your depression control your actions, or your grief. I know you're going to be grieving for a while, and that doesn't mean we can't, but let it be because you're truly happy with the idea and not because you're trying to ease pain. I don't want that for you. I want us to both be fully ready and happy and at ease. Can you promise me that?"

Botan smiled weakly and nodded. "I can. Hiei, thank you. I just get so scared sometimes. I don't want it to push you away."

Hiei moved to place a chaste kiss on her lips. "Nothing you do will ever push me away," he hummed against her lips. "And it's okay to be scared, Botan, but just know that I am here for you. Allow me to be your strength until you can find yours again."

She cuddled into him, her blue hair splayed all around. He really liked being able to hold and comfort her like this. It was in these moments, after they talked and she sounded more tranquil, that Hiei felt his concerns disappear. He knew Botan would be okay, and he was lulled to sleep by her even breathing. Everything was fine in that moment.

Later, though, Hiei was waking up from the strangest dream he ever had before in his life. It felt completely real, which usually meant he was having that strange sixth sense garbage he inherited from his mother. This, though, couldn't possibly be a warning. In fact, it was the opposite. It was like Hiei had been given a blessing.

He was standing in a darkened void that transitioned to a peaceful blue sky full of gray clouds. Across from him stood a man. It took Hiei a moment to recognize him, but it was Botan's father. His eyes instantly narrowed at the man and he was ready to give him a piece of his mind. The man held his hand up to silently ask Hiei to wait. In that moment, Hiei had relaxed and felt a large array of emotions that he knew were not his own. They indicated love for Botan and a desire for peace for her. Hiei's mind was then bombarded with all of the pain the man caused and he uttered the only word spoken in the dream. "Why?"

Her father didn't answer, but his hand moved to his heart as if it ached for Botan as much as Hiei's did. The silent being's expression fell and he looked to Hiei with pleading eyes before he pointed behind him. As Hiei turned around, that was when he woke up and he was looking directly into Botan's eyes. She was breathing heavily as if she had just woken up from a dream herself. "What is it?" he asked her not being able to shake the emotions he had felt from the dream.

"Dad," she whispered, "I had a dream about him." That statement alone had shocked her boyfriend. "He…I…we didn't say anything, but all I felt was love and contentedness. We were simply sitting in his living room, and we were just talking but I couldn't hear what we were saying. It was like we were father and daughter again, like he actually cared about what I had to say, like we had worked things out."

Hiei was amazed at her story. It was scarily similar to his, so he realized that Botan's father must have come to them both in their dreams. It had been real. For Botan, the man wanted her to know that he had loved her and was so happy at the woman she had become in spite of him. For Hiei, he wanted the boy to know he did love his daughter despite his actions during his lifetime. He had also sent Hiei back to Botan, alerting him to her being awake. It was certainly a strange experience that Hiei could hardly make sense of, but he was thankful that even if it was just a dream, Botan could understand that her father did love her.

"He wanted to get the message to you in the only manner he could," Hiei offered. "That means he would have never been able to rest unless he knew you'd be okay and that you knew he loved you."

"You're right," Botan said, her voice sounding much lighter than it had been in a long time. "I don't know how to process that right now, but at least I know it's true."

Hiei smirked and nodded placing a hand on her shoulder. "I dreamt, too," he told her. "I think he gave us his blessing. He wants you to be loved and have peace."

Tears of happiness pricked at the corners of Botan's eyes. "I'm glad, though," she looked up at the ceiling, "no offense, dad, but you wouldn't have gotten a say, anyway."

Hiei chuckled at this and pulled her into his warm embrace. "See," he murmured in her ear tickling her with his breath, "things are going to get better. It'll take a hell of a lot of time, but it'll happen. We're in this together."

Botan smiled and rested against him feeling so much better than she had in days. She knew a positive thing had just happened, but she knew she was still going to be all over the place for a while. Still, she had Hiei to keep her afloat, and her mother and all their friends. Soon enough, she would have to meet them halfway.