Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.
Lena was in a state of shock. It had never occurred to her that Stef may have been seeing a therapist. That was so unlike Stef. It was then that she felt a sharp pain in her heart; the woman that she has spent over a decade with had kept the fact that she was having issues from her. She knew that they had been having issues, but she couldn't imagine a time when Stef would have kept something so important from her, and it hurt. She only wanted Stef to feel like she was able to tell her anything.
It was then that she felt relief, Stef had not been cheating on her. It was an irrational thought anyways. She couldn't have imagined that Stef would ever do anything like that to her and she thought that they had been getting back on track. It seemed as if Stef really was trying, but then that call from Mike unnerved her. She thought nothing of it when he called the first time. He just seemed to be worried that Stef was behaving strangely. It wasn't a big deal, but she began to get extremely nervous when he called back and told Lena that he had seen Stef with another woman. She certainly didn't want to believe him, but then she thought about all of the things that didn't seem to be adding up with Stef. She also let her fears of losing Stef take over her entire thought process. She mainly had questions which she assumed that Stef would answer to her satisfaction and then they would move on, but the more time that she had to think about it made her hurt and when Stef walked in, all of the things that she hadn't planned on asking came out before she was able to stop them. Now she really felt like an idiot when Stef told her that she had been seeing Liz as a patient.
"Baby, why did you not come to me," Lena asked as she brought her other hand to Stef's face. Stef didn't want to look at her, but Lena offered enough pressure to get Stef to finally turn her head and look at her. She needed Stef to know that she was here and ready to support her.
"I just didn't know how to talk about this Lena. I... I felt ashamed and I... I didn't know how to talk about it."
It was at that point that Stef attempted to turn her head away, but Lena's hand on the side of her face prevented that. She felt like she was going to breakdown and and the tears began to pool in her eyes. She didn't want to break down in front of Lena. She felt like that made her weak, but she just couldn't hold it in any longer, and finally the tears began to fall down her face. Lena leaned in and placed a soft kiss against Stef's forehead before pulling her into her arms. It was there that Stef let herself simply fall apart.
"Baby, I love you and I'm here for you. You don't have to pretend with me. I want you to feel better and that is all that matters."
It seemed like hours had past and the tears had dried up, but Stef was still in her wife's arms and she had no desire to leave anytime soon. Unfortunately when Lena began to speak she realized that she would have to leave the safe space provided by her wife so that they could actually have a conversation.
"Babe, I think we need to talk about this."
With that, Stef reluctantly sat up and moved over. She was surpised when Lena moved off of the couch and made her way into the kitchen, but she was grateful when she came back carrying two mugs of tea. Stef felt drained both physically and emotionally, but she knew that this was an important conversation that they really needed to have.
"Thank you, love," Stef uttered as she took a mug from Lena's hand.
"Of course Stef. Now how about we start from the beginning."
"Well, you know that I have been having some issues after the pipe incident."
"I know about the headaches, and the fact that you have been behaving strangely, but what else is going on?"
"I have been having the headaches, and then some strange things started happening. I would forget where I put something or just not remember it in the first place. I was a little dizzy and disoriented at the time, but I just figured it was from the concussion. Then we took that picnic and I was there with you one minute and next thing I new, I was in a mall somewhere. It scarred the hell out of me and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a phone, but I had my wallet so I got a cab and had it take me to a motel near the station. I didn't know what to do and I was panicked so I got a room and ended up taking a nap. When I woke up I came home."
"Oh Stef, I had no idea. I just looked up and you were gone. I was scared to death and I didn't know where you were. I wish you had found some way to call me or had taken the cab home," Lena said as she finally let out the breath that she had been holding. She had not brought up Stef's disappearance that day since she found that she wasn't going to get a straight answer from Stef after she mysteriously showed back up at home that night. She had been worried about Stef, but she refused to talk about it and simply dismissed it. Now she found herself upset that Stef hadn't told her, but also realizing how scarred Stef must have been.
"Now Stef, I need an honest answer. Has this happened to you more than once?"
Stef began to hesitate in her answer until she saw that Lena was seeing right though her poker face.
"It has happened a few times, but not as bad as that time. I just sometimes have some gaps in time."
"First off, have you talked to your doctor about this, and secondly, has there been anything else?"
Lena's firm stare kept Stef honest as she told her wife that she hadn't talked to her doctor about any of this, and that she had been having some other issues. Lena's hand found hers when Stef told her about the flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms that had been occurring. Finally, they were getting down to the reason for Stef seeing Liz.
"I didn't know what to do and I just found myself going to Liz. I was hoping that this would all just go away and that we could get back to our lives. She thinks that I have some posttraumatic stress, but I have been seeing her for a little while and it seems to be helping. Even the headaches don't seem to be quite as bad. I wanted to talk to you, but I just didn't know how. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I.. I didn't know how to handle these things and I felt like I was weak. I don't want to be weak in front of you."
Again Lena found herself having to explain to Stef that it was okay to need some help or someone to lean on and that it was in fact a strength rather than a weakness to be able to let people in.
"Stef, honey, I want you to listen to me and I mean really listen."
"Okay," Stef said although she didn't like where this was going.
With a deep breath, Lena began. "Stef, I want you to tell me these things. It isn't being weak to talk about these things, and it certainly isn't weak to want some support from your wife. I love that you love me enough to want to protect me from everything, but I don't need you to. I want you to come to me when you are having a bad day, or when you are going though something. I want you to trust me enough to help you when you need it. You are the strongest person I know, but you don't have to put on that facade all of the time. It is okay to let your guard down every once in a while. I just want you to let me in so that I can be there for you the way that you are there for me when I need you. I don't see you any differently. You are my smart, beautiful, funny, brave, selfless wife and there is nothing in this world that would change the way I see you."
By that point, Lena was tearing up and so was Stef. Stef loved Lena more than anything in the world and Lena felt the same way. Sometimes Stef just had to be reminded of that fact. Leave it to her amazing wife to be the one always there to tell her.
"I love you too Lena. You are my life. I feel complete when I'm with you and I feel so empty when we are apart. Thank you for being here for me, and I'm sorry that I didn't come to you sooner."
"Stef, I know that sometimes these things are hard for you, but just promise me that you will come to me right away if something happens or if something is bothering you."
"I will my love, I will."
"Now, I think that you should continue to see Liz as it seems to be helping you a lot. You have been more like the Stef I remember over the last few weeks. However; for now, I have you alone in this house tonight since the kids are out, so why don't we head upstairs."
Lena moved from the couch offering her hand to Stef who gladly took it. A smile formed on Lena's face and was met with an equally prominent smile on Stef's. They had other things that they would need to talk about later, but for right now, they simply needed to be with each other. As they made their way up the stairs, each had a look on their face that said "We need to make the most out of finally having the house to ourselves, especially after everything that has happened."