It had been a quiet day. Deidara was napping peacefully in his bedroom after a busy school day and Sasori was working away on an English assignment. Working away? Ha! He was on a roll~ This thing was writing itself! It would be done in no time at all.
Typing with such speed, he failed to notice the time slip by. Even though it felt as if this wasn't taking too long, the clock was anything but merciful.
"Herawaguh!"
Sasori sat up from his desk chair and looked behind him. "What the heck was that?" He asked to himself, standing up to investigate with his heart still thumping from shock.
Sniffling was heard next. Why, if Deidara had gotten hurt... Why hadn't he screamed bloody murder like he usually does? Even if it was nothing, the little guy sure liked to make a big deal out of it. Sasori was positive the kid just liked to extort extra hugs and kisses out of him.
"Uguu hagah, un."
Looking into the boys room, he saw nothing. Just an empty room and overly disarrayed bed; void of all blankets. However a few more sniffles suggested otherwise that the room was truly vacant of life.
"Deidara, you in here?" He asked, stepping into the room, looking around for any sign of the wiggly child. Who might I add is not the greatest hide and seek player.
Sniffling, Deidara grunted with a wavering, "Nuh! Go way."
"Aw, don't push me away." Sasori said with little to no real empathy in his voice as he got down onto his hands and knees to look under the bed. "Danna just wants to help you."
Another loud and pathetic whine rippled through the air. "No-wuh. It's bambarassing, un."
"I've seen you do tons of embarrassing things Deidara. I'm sure this will be nothing new so where are - "
Sasori stopped mid-sentence and looked to the end of the bed. A large collection of the blankets had congregated down there. Not only that, there were buckets of toys generally left there. All in all it was the perfect hide out. Had the kid made a tent of self pity for whatever he did?
"Alright Deidara, if you don't tell me where you are, I guess I am just going to find you on my own." Sasori stated while still keeping a steady voice - even though he was more than excited to sneak up on the boy.
"No-wuh!" Deidara cried even louder making it super obvious that's where he was. "Respects my wishes and leaf me alone to stuffocate as die."
Sasori growled at that. "No way am I letting you die. Who even told you about respect, suffocating and dying?"
"...Tachi."
"Of course."
Letting it all out, Sasori crawled over and ripped the blue blanket off the boy's fort. Stepping back, he gaped at the sight. What. A. Sight.
"NO-WAH! DON'T WOOK AT ME-AH."
The left side of Sasori's lip curled up into a smile, the right side quickly doing the same. "What the hell is this?"
"NOTHIN. GO WAY-AH."
Scooting closer, Sasori grabbed at the white bucket and dragged the blond with it. It wasn't like he had a choice, the boy was clearly stuck in it.
"Welly well... what do we have here?"
"Wubwubwub." Deidara's lips quivered as he had shamefully been caught being too big for the bucket. He was folded, stuck just so that only half his body was in the bucket and his little limbs stuck out.
Like, a sad and unfortunate turtle he was.
Looking into the bucket, as best as he could, Sasori groaned and laughed at the same time. "Are you seriously naked there?" He asked, still trying to hide his laugh. As well as smacking the edges of the bucket in the process. Just to be a jackass.
Deidara gurgled sadly at being laughed at. He hated it when his Danna would correct and make fun of him. He loved his Danna so much! So he didn't want to appear stupid in front of the totally cool big kid.
"Yeah, 'm stuck. Now pease help." He asked sadly, wiggling his feet and hands rapidly as if he meant business.
Picking up from the bottom of the bucket, Sasori flipped the boy upside down. It was much to both of their displeasure, but shook it; hoping Deidara would pop right out.
"Ouch! Ouchie! No! Ouch!"
Sasori put Deidara down after the seventh shake as well as when he began to cry. "Wow Brat, you're really jammed in there." He sighed heavily, chewing his bottom lip.
Huh. Perhaps this wasn't as funny as he thought it was... Also it was really tiring.
Unfortunately that wasn't what Deidara wanted to hear. "Waugh! I'm gonna be the bucket mutant butt forever! Waugh, un!" He wailed loudly, hiccuping and sobbing uncontrollably.
This was actually really sad and quite concerning. Sasori was struck with a burning in his stomach, all he wanted to do was free his little munchkin. All these tears were also unsettling.
If Konan were here... oh how Sasori would be... Well, very dead.
Pushing back the blond hair that had fallen into the child's face, Sasori planted a big kiss on his forehead to calm him down. "Shush, I'll get you out of there. You won't be a bucket mutant butt forever."
"Really?"
"Really."
Deidara felt like crying again. Reaching upwards he aimed for Sasori's face, which he happily leaned in to give the sad boy. Grasping the face, he whimpered, "Can I have just another one more one kiss please? Ecase I die, un?"
Sasori rolled his eyes. "Of course you can." He chuckled as he leaned even closer kiss Deidara's freshly tear smeared cheek. "Now let's get you outta there."
A few ideas came to Sasori's head. Margarine, soap, cooking oils, and if those failed; cutting the boy out with a power tool. However he'd try to avoid that at all costs.
What's that you say? Deidara goes to school and tells everyone how he got put on a table and a saw nearly killed him. "Killed" is the chosen word because the chance of Deidara figuring to include any part of the bucket and being stuck is slim to none.
That would be embarrassing!
What's that as well? Deidara tells Konan anything at all? We simply can't have that now can we.
'Why weren't you watching our precious little lovebug better!'
Sasori shuddered.
Laying out a small blanket, Sasori then hoisted up the boy in the bucket and put him on it. The new found plastic area of the blond made him too difficult to carry, so he would have to drag him down the hall to the bathroom.
"Danna, hurry! I want outta, un."
Rushing to the kitchen and back, Sasori returned with the margarine, cooking oil and dish soap. "Okay, lets oil you up, baby." He grumbled, pouring the cooking oil down the Deidara's back.
Deidara gave a shrill squeal at the cool oil dripping down his back and in -
"Danna! I feel that on my bum!"
Still drizzling the boy, this time around his legs, Sasori laughed at the child's uncomfort. "I'm sorry if that feels unpleasant, but try to wiggle around to spread the oil."
"Huhn... Okay."
Moving, Deidara tried to wiggle as Sasori tried to squeeze his fingers between the thick plastic bucket and the tender flesh of the six year old.
"Ouchie Danna, this hurts and now I have to go peepee."
Sasori gasped. "Please, please try your best to hold it in, don't pee in the bucket!" He begged as he added more oil and even some of the margarine.
Continuing to squirm about, Deidara made an extra sad noise. "There is a toy still under my bum and it's digging into my buttcheek." He wailed, kicking his legs trying to convey the pain and misery he was in by showing his Danna some pain in return as he aimed to kick Sasori "My bum hurts, my bum hurts, my bum huuurts!"
"Shit, why did you crawl in the bucket if it wasn't empty, jeez! Here, let me add a bit of soap then." Sasori hissed bitterly, not even regretting his decision to swear in front of the very impressionable child.
Sweat began to form on his body. Grabbing the bucket again, he flipped it upside down to try and shake the boy out. With a mighty heave: one shake, two shake, three shake, four shake -
PLOP.
Deidara fell to the ground, with a few small toys following, as a greasy, slimy mess. He wasn't the only one to fall too. Sasori collapsed against the bathtub panting. Danna had done it. He had saved the baby, all on his own without any of Konan's help!
"Hell yeah." He gasped, pumping his fist up.
Catching his breath, Deidara finally started to move rolling over to face Sasori. He whimpered and the started to cry again. That whole ordeal was really scary, hurty and embarrassing!
Sasori saw the look and grabbed the little blanket he had used to drag the bucket into the bathroom. He then scooped the dirty naked boy up in it and rocked him side to side. "Will you ever climb into something small like that bucket ever again?"
"N-no... But I used to fit."
"Ah, I see." Sasori smiled down at him and used his finger to wipe away the tears. "I have to ask," He started, narrowing his eyes. "why in the world did you have to get in the bucket naked? Why not get in while wearing clothes?"
"Hah!? You mean you didn't see?"
"...See what?"
Deidara chewed his bottom lip and an ashamed look crossed his face. "The blanket and sheets, un."
Sasori looked back in his memory. Yes, yes they had been taken off the bed. Why in the world Deidara want to change his bedding? They just did it a few weeks ago to wash them. In fact the whole point of him being able to recall it was Deidara made it very clear that they had to do it TOGETHER.
Unfortunately he couldn't muster up a reason to change them again by himself so:
"Ok so why did you take them off?" He asked, moving Deidara to face him better.
"Pease don't be mad..." The boy pleaded, looking away as if he were ready to cry again.
Sighing out, he gave Deidara a pat on the back as he continued the soothing rocking. "I'll try not to..." He mumbled, not sounding too sure of himself.
"Mmn... Durning my nap, I... um...musta peepee in the bed, un."
"Ohhh boy, and here I thought the next move of the adventure was just cleaning YOU up." Sasori groaned, not stopping the rocking motions. This time for his own well being. "It's okay, I will put you in the tub so you can get cleaned up, and then we can clean your bed."
"You're not mad I peepeed in the bed, un?" Deidara asked in shock.
"I'm not happy, but no I'm not mad."
"Wow!" Deidara crawled out of the swaddle and stood up to hug his Danna. "You are a bamillion times nicer than when I peepeed for Daddy. He took TV and the good snacks away for two days, un!"
Sasori felt a little pride when he heard the blond compliment him, even to call him nicer than Katsuya who was generally a really nice guy. "Yeah, I wouldn't do that over something to trivial. You couldn't control yourself!"
In reality, Sasori knew of this situation all too well. Bed wetting. He was so glad he FINALLY grew out of that when he turned twelve.
Sasori wet the bed for so long though because of anxiety and fears at home involving his... Parents. Why would Deidara wet the bed? His life was perfect!
Must have given the boy too much to drink before his nap.
"Yeah, Daddy didn't like being peepeed on." Deidara mumbled looking away into nothingness.
Sasori froze. "You peed on your dad?"
"Yeah!" Deidara yelled snapping back into reality. "I crawled into bed with him and peed in my sleep and then uh oh he was mad."
"So YOU peed in HIS bed ON him?"
"Un."
Groaning, Sasori snatched at a naked and very dirty Deidara and put him into the tub, before remembering that Deidara said he had to pee again. "So you do these kind of things around your Dad too? It's not just for me?" He mumbled, moving the naked boy to sit on the toilet.
Going pee, Deidara cocked his head. "Mm? What things?"
Sasori frowned at the now greasy, dirty rim of the toilet. Something he now also had to clean. "I don't know..." He grumbled. "Weird Deidara things?"
"Huh?"
Looking down into the blank and certainly unable to understand eyes, it clicked. Deidara's father was a great man. A great single man. No Sasori, you're not hated and women do not flee from you. It is Deidara out to make your life miserable because you too are a great single man just like Katsuya.
That's just how Deidara is. This is... just how things work.
"What... A brat."
no sass ass, it's not just babydei, it's also you.