Buffyplusangelequal4ever: Thanks.
Slip of the hand: Well he's aware that she claims ownership of him. ;) I do have three different endings in mind so I'm in the dark too.
--
"God, no."
The particular vivid dream was disturbing on levels that would make even his unsouled self cringe. For once it wasn't about flames and past victims that he dreamed about. There was hard muscles pressing up against him, such erotic promises that were actually fulfilled. It had been so intense that Spike was left aching for relief where none was to be found. Worse yet was who was the center of his thoughts. He had tried to tell himself that he wasn't falling for the act being put on to woo him but that was a lie. It wasn't certain when Spike had started to feel something in return he only had become aware of it when the git had started to snog his brains out at their little picnic. Before he was called the mans' personal whore and punished for it.
That should have ended any growing affections. If only his unlife were so simple. The wanker had saved him, been tender in his care, read him sodding poetry and went as far as to reveal painful memories about the past. Spike wanted to believe it was all fake but knew that it couldn't have been. Not all of it. Even if the Count had promised to destroy Spike this was a little much, especially since it put the mans' valued pride at stake every time he made a new attempt. Then again who in their right minds would willingly set out to court him? Wasn't there a rule that he was always the one that put himself out there, even though the likelihood of reject was high?
Spike hated himself for wanting to be seduced, to be pampered by one of his greatest foes. It was insane, nothing would come from it except being used again. It didn't matter if Dracula truly did feel something besides his lust (Spike was still in trying to deny that score) he wouldn't want Spike for long. That seemed to be another hard learned rule. Yet his mind and body were betraying him now. Neither seemed to care about this risk involved. He searched out the words carved into his flesh to remind himself that he would be proving the sadist right by falling into such a trap. The wounds however were healed enough that the letters weren't visible.
"Traitor." He mumbled as if it was his bodys' fault that it healed at a certain rate. That was when he noticed that the band that had remained on had recently been removed. Why would Dracula have it removed? There was too many answers for that question and none of them made any sense to Spikes' already confused brain.
--
"There's nothing going on, Faith."
The slayer and the vampire had given up on their abrupt sparring session in hopes of reaching some type of closure before they went forward. Angel naturally was denying that anything had happened with Spike. He could tell that she didn't believe him, but it WAS the truth. Sure they had sex, that however wasn't out of the norm for them. At least in their unsouled days. It didn't mean that they had a deeper relationship either. The most meaningful conversation since that night that they shared was over the best means to kill a vampire nest without the use of fire. (And he didn't care what Spike said sunlight WAS cheating.)
"Funny, I heard B say the same about you and her. Then her and Spike. So that either means you're lying or there was something before now going on." Seeing that she wasn't going to get an answer Faith swore. "Come on, you know better than to bottle up this crap. Can't be good for the team Angel moral. Unload on me if you got to, I might not have all the answers but it can't hurt."
With a long suffering sigh he rubbed his eyes before setting them deep into his duster pockets. He hated these talks, unless it was Cordy or Spike they always seemed to be so forced. If he didn't talk there was more than a chance that Faith wouldn't give this up and he didn't want to have to explain to Connor what her crude remarks meant. "Spike and I were never anything like what you're suggesting. When he came to L.A. I just wanted him gone. All we ever did was argue--"
"Sexual tension." She commented with a smug nod ignoring his annoyed glare.
"--we sort of came to rely on each other more. It was sort of a nicer version of how it was in the old days. We'd have each others' backs--don't say it--and I didn't have to pretend everything was alright around him like I did for the others. Spike just knew."
"Sounds nice." He raised his head at the longing in her voice. Buffy and her had the potential to be that close once. After the destruction that had come from Faiths' trip to the darker side the other slayer had never really found herself willing to fully forgive or trust Faith. As far as he knew no other girl that had been chosen had reached out to form that type of bond with her either. Angel had never thought about how lucky he was to have Spike until then. Why was it that you never saw what you had before it's gone?
"It was, kind of. You know, beyond the bickering." Angel shrugged not really wanting to dwell on that train of thought. "The soul isn't the easiest thing to live with, I guess we were both lonely and needed something." He had thought that she would use the opening for some jibe, all Faith did was frown in response.
"You mean you guys had a one-night fling?" Her face was calculating in a way that made Angel nervous.
"Umm, yeah."
"Did Spike know it was a one time deal?" There was sympathy in her face and he had a feeling that it wasn't directed at him.
"That's the way it's always been with us. Spike doesn't care who he's--"Angel made a vague hand motion as to fill in the blank for him. He didn't like talking about his own sexual encounters. Not like this. Not when Spike was the one he had sex with. "It means nothing. That's what we both needed."
"You sure about that? Man, Spike can sure pick them." Her hand fumbled instinctively for her lighter seconds before she seemed to realize that she didn't have any cigarettes on her. Looking irritated at this she leveled her gaze at Angel.
"What?! That's how Spike is, Faith. I know him, better than anyone else alive. He might still want to be with Buffy but he wouldn't want anything else from me."
"Hey, I just saying that the guy has the worst luck. Nothing has been easy for him. When I was around him last he had just come back to SunnyD with his brand new soul. No one really gave a shit. Blondie was insane, locked in the basement--a few I think--threatened by pretty much everyone and then gets Bs' 'you're worthless if you're weepy' speech. Not that I was there for all of that. The other girls told me when they were in gossip mode. Which is basically all the time now that I think about it."
Angel didn't like the picture he was getting from this new information. At first he had assumed that Spike had gotten through the agony of the soul within a few weeks by himself. No one had told him that the bleach blond had been driven insane by the soul. Certainly no one had told him about Buffy putting that much pressure on Spike. She should have known better. Did she really rank having another warrior as more important than the long term affects of the soul? Maybe she really hadn't understood and didn't see the long term problems this could cause down the line. He knew that Spike hid how much he was hurting behind false bravado just not why.
"I guess I don't know all the details. B always shuts people out, part of the slayer thing I guess. Might be deeper than that. She did the usual mixed signals thing with Spike. You know what I mean. The 'I'm pretending I don't want you but I'm not letting you go' thing. Dude didn't know which way was up with her. He'd let her go and she would glare when he even look at another girl. I'd be talking shit with him about the kinky element, sharing a smoke on his cot and she'd get all pissy about it."
"You were talking about kinky stuff on his bed?"
"So maybe he wasn't wearing anything under the sheet--it's wasn't like I was under there with him."
"He was NAKED with you sitting on the bed talking about sex?!" Angel sounded on the verge of hysteria making Faiths' cheshire cat grin widen.
"Chill, we were only talking about it because of the chains. Then whipping, cheerleader outfits and who tops."
"Spike had a cheerleading outfit?" The concept truly seemed to baffle the vampire.
"Getting sort of off topic, Angel." She reminded, Angel was too caught up in what she had revealed to turn back though.
"What was the topic, Faith? You just told me about Spike and Buffy--something I never wanted to know by the way--and how she shouldn't have been mad at you for not having sex with him even though you were talking about it!" He really hated when people did this to him. They brought up things like he knew what they were talking about and expected him to follow their insane logic.
"Point is that like B you're getting pretty worked up over nothing. That is what you called it, right? Why are you getting upset about this then?"
Angel wasn't sure what she was getting at, not really. "Fine--I get pissed off whenever one of my ex's finds someone else. Not that Spike is an ex. I'd like to find someone new before him, that's all. I mean I got upset about whoever Darla, Buffy or Cordelia dated so--"
"Cordelia?"
"I...I love her. Loved her." He hated the past tense, everytime he used it he was admitting that she was gone. Faith was the first person he was able to tell. His friends, Spike--they all knew. It was never something that had to be explained to them. Cordelia knew too, she had to have, she had been his best friend. Knew how to give him a kick to the ass enough to get him moving. Angel had never had to say the words and admitting them now hurt. It was too damn late to do any good.
"I'm sorry." Neither spoke for a moment, both lost in their own inner turmoil. It wouldn't last though, the silence would break to get back to the present. Brooding never changed the past no matter how many times he thought of the what ifs. "Do you love Spike?"
"No." It was hard to define what Spike and him were to each other. A pain in his ass? Definitely. A rival, a former student, his second greatest sin, a some times friend, a partner, a 'shag buddy' and a million other things that could never be given titles. They would never be 'in love.' There was too much between them to ever be more. Most of it bloody. They didn't get along, didn't like each other enough to ever feel that emotion. "And before you ask: no, Spike doesn't love me either."
"You a mind reader? How do you know that?"
"Like I said, I know Spike. I admit that it's...possible that I didn't handle the situation right. I might have used him when he need more than animal comfort. It's not love though, I've seen what he's like when he's in love. Spike isn't falling over himself to try to win my undying love. He can't even stand to be in the same room as me. Believe me, it's for the best."
--
Fresh mint smelling soap did wonders to calm the nerves if not quiet the mind. His care takers had left him to soak in private giving Spike time to think. He was so conflicted, unsure what to feel. He needed something desperately though he was not certain what it could be. Understanding? Comfort? Whatever it was he didn't currently have it.
The human blood had given him back a little of his strength, enough to move about for a few moments without collapsing. He stepped out the tub onto shaky legs wrapping a terry cloth towel around his waist out of habit. There wasn't much to do and Spike had pretty much given up on his thoughts of escape. Where would he go anyway? Back to Angel where he would be treated like dirt for the poofs' pleasure? Back to the slayers where his only usefulness would be as a punching bag for the latest recruits to practice with? He knew that he wasn't a loner no matter how much he claimed to be. Spike was tired of having to pretend that everything was peachy keen all the sodding time. Tired of being so damn lonely that he would walk the streets just to see how people would interact with their mates. No matter where he went he would always be the outsider. Too much of a demon for the Scoobies. Too much of a reminder to Angel.
He had fooled himself into thinking that the gang had come to care about him as he had for them. Spike always did and was so terribly shocked when it all came undone. Stupid bleeding heart wanker, he thought hatefully. Why did he need so much when he was offered so little?
With a defeated sigh he stumbled over to the window to open it enough to peer outside. His demon wanted to hunt, filled as he was with human blood the lust was reaching feverpitch. He needed something to make him come alive again. To make him feel glorious. Killing...that was too much of a temptation to risk. The cloudy sky wasn't doing anything to smooth his increasingly twitchy nerves. Spike doubted that the soap could work--hold on a tick--cloudy sky? Glancing outside he saw the fog gathering, clearing the sky to move closer to him. Too slow to recoil fast enough it blew into the room to surround him. Spike gasped as the mist touched his bear skin. A million of small caresses seemed to attack his senses at once. Petting his hair, caressing his flesh, filling his lungs. Soon it was all too much to take in and he lost his balance--only to be caught in two well known arms.
"Forgive me, I could not stay way." Draculas' eyes were darker than normal making Spikes' cold body feel a much needed heat. All he could do was continue to stare helplessly as their lips met again. He didn't want to fight it this time.