Never Going Back Again: Chapter Thirty-six
Ah - so sorry for the long delay in updating this... Mea culpa
The next day dawned drearily for Kensi, who could not get used to the emptiness of the bed, the way it suddenly seemed too big. And despite the fact that Callen and Nico were back in residence, the house seemed strangely empty.
Might as well face facts, she thought, you've got it bad, girl. That man is right underneath your skin now. Funnily enough, she wouldn't have it any other way.
Come back safely, Marty. You come back to me safely and I promise I'll go surfing with you, no matter how cold the water is. And I'll let Bobby sleep in the bedroom and not complain about his flatulence. It was as if the little dog sensed she was thinking about him, because he bounced up onto her knee and looked anxiously into her face. And then he shuffled over to Marty's side of the bed and sniffed the pillow, before turning back to gaze at Kensi with a woebegone expression on his furry face.
"You miss him too, don't you?" Kensi flopped down on the bed and pulled Bobby into a tight hug, which he submitted to with remarkable equanimity. It wasn't the same, it wasn't anything like the same, but right now it was the best that was on offer. She didn't feel like going into work today, but there was still a job to be done and at least if she was at the Mission, she'd hear any news at first hand, not have it revealed through a filter, all nicely sanitised. Kensi had a whole store of stock phrases used when breaking the bad news to the bereaved. They were handy to have, as they stopped from thinking too much, from blurting out the truth.
"It was very quick." That meant the reverse. They always knew they were going to die, in Kensi's experience. Even if there was only a momentary realisation, they still knew. You could see it in their eyes.
"He didn't suffer." Well actually, he did. He died in screamingly agony. He was begging me not to let him die and he was in so much pain it nearly tore my heart out of my chest. If he hadn't died when he did, I probably would have been tempted to shoot him and put him out of his misery, like a dog you find dying on the sidewalk. Only we're not allowed to do that. I think we're kinder to animals than we are to humans.
"We did everything we could." But I knew from the start it was useless. Do you know how much pressure you use when do CPR? I could feel his ribs break underneath my hands. I could hear them crack like the broken branch of a tree and I nearly threw up. I had to throw away all the clothes I was wearing, because he bled out all over me. I tried, even though half of his brain was splattered on the wall behind him. We did everything we could, because we loved him too.
"We're so very sorry." You have no idea how sorry I am. Because his death was so horrific I'm never going to forget it. Late at night, when the rest of the world is sleeping, I'm going to be lying in bed trying not to scream as we remember. But I'll tell you these sweet little lies, so that you can have whatever comfort they give. I'll keep the pain to myself so you can remember him whole, smiling and happy. That's what we do. But we won't forget. And we really are so very sorry.
You never got used to death, not ever. Each one was different, but they all had one thing in common – the finality. The absolute, no going back, "this is it", all bets are off, because the complete and utter finality of death was as inescapable as it was inevitable. Death came to get you, whether you were ready or not. Well, Kensi wasn't ready to let go of Marty and she certainly wasn't ready to watch him die. There would never be time enough for that. Suddenly, she had a new sense of purpose and all the pieces seemed to fall into place.
"Callen!" She ran down the stairs at top speed, Bobby at her heels and shouting at the top of her lungs. "Get your butt down here in five. We've got work to do." They'd overlooked one vital thing, and that could make all the difference between Sam dying in whatever place he was being held and Marty prowling around as Max Gentry, just waiting for someone to take him out. How the hell hadn't they thought about this before?
Nico raised her eyebrows in mute accusation as the peace of the morning was shattered.
"I blame it on Gibbs," Callen said lazily. "All that gung-ho military attitude is rubbing off on Kensi – and not in a good way."
"He's rather attractive – for an older man," Nico said thoughtfully.
"I'm an older man," Callen reminded her.
"I know. I've always had a thing for older men. Want me to show you?"
Callen was tempted, seriously tempted. "I'd love to. You know that, right? But Kensi sounded urgent."
"Go on, then. I'll be down after I've had a shower." Nico watched as pulled on his pants and a shirt. "Kensi's not the only who's easily influenced, I see."
"What are you talking about?"
"You – going commando. Just like MIkey." Not that she had any objections. Easy access was good.
"How the hell do you what Deeks wears – or doesn't wear under his pants?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
Well yes, actually, I would, Callen thought as he went downstairs. I definitely would. I think we're going to have to have a little talk about that later on.