Yeah, I still don't own anything – and that's okay! :D

Part thirty-five:

July 22, 2012
3:14 PM EDT

"Okay, guys, I want you to take your new clothes upstairs, take the tags off, and put them in your laundry hampers," Penelope said firmly. "I'm going to do two loads before bed, and if your stuff isn't in the hampers, you're not going to have clean clothes tomorrow."

"Moooom, I wanna go outside and play," Emma whined.

"Me too," Declan added.

"Well, do this for me and then you can go play with Clooney and Mudgie in the yard," Penelope promised with a sigh. "Okay?"

"Fine," Emma huffed, yanking her bag of new clothes out of her mother's hands and stomping up the steps. Declan did the same, but without the attitude, and he even flashed Penelope a smile from the upstairs landing.

"Hey, look at that, pretty girl," Fran cooed at Brielle as they came out of the kitchen. "Mama's back – aww, look at that smile, Mama."

"C'mere, you," Penelope said with a smile, accepting the baby into her arms with a chuckle. "Were you good for Nana?"

"Nahnah," Brielle burbled. "Mahmah!"

Penelope laughed. "Uh-huh, you think you know what you want to say but you just take your time, little one," she murmured. Her smile faded slightly as she regarded Fran. "How's the patient today?"

"He's cranky," Fran replied. "He complained a lot when I made him get on the exercise bike for ten minutes. But when I bribed him with cuddle time with Breezy, he changed his tune."

"He needs to be doing his therapy," Penelope sighed.

"He's being stubborn," Fran replied. "And he's angry that you're avoiding him."

"I'm not avoiding him – I'm just not going out of my way to spend time in the same room with him," Penelope protested. "It's not the same thing."

"It might as well be," Fran said. "And I don't agree with any of it –"

"You don't have to agree with it," Penelope said softly. "But, then again, it's not your problem."

"It is my problem."

Penelope sighed and snuggled the baby closer. "I love him, but he's not on my list of people I want to spend time with," she murmured. "And the fact that he's sitting in my living room, whining about not spending time with me, isn't making me more inclined toward doing what he wants."

Fran sighed. "Could you at least go in there and say hello?"

"Fine, whatever," Penelope grunted. "But don't say I didn't warn you – I'll be the crabby one for the rest of the day."

Fran sighed. "Just hear him out, will you?" she asked. "Give him five minutes. I can't stand that the two of you are fighting – and what happens when the kids pick up on it?"

Penelope shook her head and sighed before she carried Brielle into the living room and sat down in the recliner. The silence was deafening, till Derek finally broke it. "I just want you to know that I remember what I said," he said very softly. "And I was wrong for saying it."

"Yes, you were," she agreed. "Thank you for realizing that much. But I can't forgive you, Derek."

"Baby Girl –"

"Don't call me that anymore," Penelope said very quietly. "I'm not your 'baby girl'."

"Penelope, for god's sake, you won't even let me say that I'm sorry –"

"Because I don't want to hear it," she snapped. "I've already heard more than enough from you."

Derek growled under his breath. "Goddess –"

"Stop it," she whispered. "Just fucking stop it." Brielle started to fuss, picking up on her mother's swinging mood. "Derek, I can't live with you if you think I'm a dirty, slutty whore – and you made it clear that's what you think of me. I love you so much, but I can't do this. I can't sit here day after day with you, knowing that's what you see when you look at me."

"I lied to you," he said. "I lied to you to get you to go away – I was in pain and suffering and I didn't want you to see me like that." Derek was frowning, and she felt her heart flip-flop in her chest. "I was just trying to get you to leave. I knew you wouldn't go unless I pushed you out –"

"Derek, don't try to make it better," she whispered. "You did something that no one else in the world could have ever done – you broke me. And you shouldn't be the one to fix me – I have to do that. I love you so much, but right now, I hate you. I hate you so much. You were the one person I was supposed to be able to count on, and you broke me."

"Come here," Derek said, patting the couch next to him.

"No," she whispered. "Because if I do, I –"

"Penelope, come here," he instructed more firmly. "It wasn't a request, Baby Girl."

She hesitated for a long moment, then stood up and joined him on the couch. He put his arm around her waist and sighed. "Derek, please don't –"

"Mama, I can't forgive myself – why would I expect you to forgive me?" he asked. "I'm sorry but that doesn't fix anything, does it?"

"No," she whispered, "it doesn't." Brielle pushed herself around till she was snuggled equally against both of her parents. Penelope swallowed hard, feeling Derek's arm wrapped so tenderly around her waist. It was so natural, so them, but she didn't feel like herself anymore – so how could they be them? But when she tried to pull away, he wouldn't let go. It only made her feel worse that he was holding so tightly to a dream that had been shattered.

"I'm going to do whatever it takes," he said softly. "Whatever it takes to make things right."

"MuhMuh," Brielle mumbled sleepily, yawning and rubbing at her eyes.

"Hey, when did you learn that?" Derek asked, chuckling.

"It's her naptime," Penelope said with a sigh.

"So let her go to sleep," he replied. "She's safe with us –"

"Yeah, but I'm not safe," she replied, gently working his hold on her till she was free. She got up and scooped the baby up into her arms. "You shouldn't fight your mom and the therapists – you need to work on your mobility or you're not going to get cleared to go back to work."

"You gonna start helping me with my therapy?" he inquired. "I'd do more if you were there, encouraging me."

"No, Derek – you have to do this on your own."

"Penelope, don't fucking push me away –"

"I have to," she murmured, retreating from the room as fast as she could.

August 10, 2012
1:15 PM EDT

"We made some progress in our last session," Dr. Thaddeus said with a small smile. "We established that you fear being hurt in the ways that you were hurt growing up, and that you've done many things to protect yourself from just that."

Penelope sighed and crossed her knees, tucking her skirts neatly around her legs. She didn't like that Hotch had mandated therapy for her, but she did feel like she owed it to everyone – especially the kids – to at least try to work through some of her issues. "I want to stop living in fear," Penelope said very softly. "I need to be able to function like a normal human being."

"Mrs. Morgan, we've been talking every day for the last three weeks," Dr. Thaddeus said. "Do you feel like we've made any progress?"

"All I know is that I go back to work feeling like I'm about two inches tall," she whispered. "I'm tired and I feel like I'm just… tiny."

"Can you explain why you feel that way?" Dr. Thaddeus inquired gently.

"No," she murmured, shaking her head.

"You've been reliving a lot of traumatic events," he said. "And when you face those emotions head-on repeatedly, it will make you feel small and insignificant."

She sighed and rubbed the side of her face, chasing away an itch. "Yeah," she finally said. "I guess I've always felt like there's two of me fighting for space in my head – there's the real me and the me that I put out there for everyone to abuse. It's the only way I've been able to survive. It's been that way as long as I can remember."

"Has anyone ever gotten through to the 'real' you?" Dr. Thaddeus inquired, glancing up from his tablet. "Have you ever let anyone break down that barrier?"

"My husband," she whispered.

The doctor nodded. "How did it feel to let him in?"

She shrugged. "It didn't last long," she murmured. "I only ever wanted someone to love me – for me – and what did I get for it? I got stabbed in the heart."

"You're getting ahead of yourself, my dear."

She shrugged. "I'm sorry."

By the time she left her session, she was sick to her stomach and spent the afternoon running searches for the B team between ginger ales and Tylenol. She, for once, cut out of the office on time – five pm – and went to get the kids at Will's. Everyone was thrilled to see her, but she wasn't thrilled to see them. In fact, she was feeling less than maternal – all she wanted to do was dump the kids somewhere with someone to take care of them so she could run away and hide from the world.

They'd made a breakthrough – of sorts – in her session. And she couldn't go back to the way she was before anymore than she could lie to herself and say that things were going to be okay.

The kids exploded into the house and Penelope carried Brielle into the kitchen to get a bottle of juice. She glanced up to see Derek sitting at the dinette, smiling over at her. "Hey, Baby –" She must've looked as bad as she felt because his demeanor immediately changed. "What happened, Mama?"

"Did you get in here by yourself?" Penelope asked, looking him up and down, taking in his crutches and the sweat beads on his brow.

"Yes, but –"

"Good!" she exclaimed. "You'll be back to work in no time."

"Trying to get rid of me, Baby Girl?" he asked.

She sighed and screwed the top onto the bottle. "Derek, I just –"

"Penelope, what happened today?" he asked.

"B team profiled and solved a case involving a woman who killed the person who abused her for most of her life, then went on a murder spree – it felt so good for her to hurt the people who had hurt her that she just lost it. It ended up being suicide by cop," she said very quietly. "And I just kept thinking how much I sympathize with that woman." She looked right at him. "And I had therapy in the middle of it – and we talked about me blaming myself for everything and everyone that has ever hurt me. I just… it's too much, Derek. I want to run away and hide until I stop feeling like I'm worthless."

She was surprised when he struggled to get up and get onto his crutches. With no small amount of effort, he crossed the kitchen and grabbed for her. "You're not worthless," he whispered, burying his face in her shoulder. "There's nothing worthless about you, Baby Girl – why do you think I love you so much? You're so… you. You're brilliant, sexy, strong as hell –"

"I'm not strong," she whispered, clinging to him and crying. "I'm just faking it –"

"Baby –"

"I'm sorry I've let you down," she exhaled, pulling back and swiping at her eyes. "I'm not what you signed on for – I've hurt you as much as I've hurt myself." She plugged the bottle into Brielle's mouth, then turned her attention back to him. "I don't think it's fair to lead you on anymore –"

He took her breath away – literally. His arms around her waist, his lips strongly against hers, stealing the air she needed to breathe. And every moment the kiss lasted, the more she felt her heart filling with joy, banishing the darkness, the self-loathing, the pain away –

When they broke apart, he whispered, "You've never led me on, Baby Girl."

"I can't forgive you," she murmured.

"Baby, I'm not asking you to –"

"I can't forgive you," she repeated, "till I forgive myself."

"I'm not asking you to forgive me," he said, kissing her forehead. "What I did was unforgivable. I can't make it right unless you let me try. You're the only woman I would fight to the death for, Penelope – and I'm coming out of the corner swinging, just to get you back." He tightened his grip on her waist. "But I've got to get steadier on my feet before I start fighting, you know."

She hesitated for a long moment before she whispered, "Do you want to try to come upstairs tonight?"

He shook his head. "Nope, I want to stay in my man-cave," he said gently. "It's safer than –"

"Than overexerting yourself?" she teased.

"Than pushing you into something you aren't ready for," he contradicted. "I love you and I never wanted to hurt you, honey – but I did. So now I have to fix it."

She hugged him with one arm and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I –"

Brielle spit her bottle out and squealed, "DAAAAAH!"

"Well, that's definitely new," Penelope commented, her smile becoming proud and smug.

"Did you just call for me, Peanut?" Derek asked, reaching over to put his hand over his daughter's belly. She giggled and grabbed him, holding on tight.

"DAAAAH," Brielle agreed.

Penelope pulled away from Derek, letting him steady himself on the countertop. "I've got to go get laundry going –"

"Let Mom do it," Derek said.

"Derek, she's here to help you – not do the laundry and not watch the kids."

"She's going to help me by doing the laundry," he teased, pulling her back toward him. "Unless you just don't want to spend time with me –"

She exhaled shakily. "I don't know what I want," she admitted.

"That's okay," he assured her, pressing a tender kiss to her lips. "I can wait."

She nodded and closed her eyes, wondering if the nervous feeling in her stomach would ever go away again.

August 25, 2012
11:22 PM EDT

Penelope awoke in a panic, her arms flailing, a scream on her lips, still feeling vividly Kevin Lynch's hands on her, his lips on hers – she felt dirty, queasy, and ill. The panic died, but her heartbeat didn't slow at all – the nightmare was still too real, too fresh, too vivid. She swallowed hard, trying to banish the disgust. He was dead. She'd already killed him – in reality. But in her mind, Kevin Lynch was still alive and exacting his revenge.

It was so hard to get up and put one foot in front of the other, but she found herself rushing blindly down the stairs and into the kitchen. She immediately went for the cupboard, getting down the bottle of scotch and pouring herself a belt with unsteady hands. She spilled more on the counter than what actually made it into the glass. When she finished drinking, her hands were shaking so strongly that she dropped the glass – it shattered on the countertop and she backed away from the scene of the crime before she did anymore damage.

She couldn't make the flashbacks stop – every time she thought she was getting a handle on things, she felt the phantom fingers crawl up her legs again, making her twitch with revulsion. She was fighting like hell to keep her stomach in check, but the urge to vomit was rising in her throat like bile –

And then arms were around her, holding her, reassuring her. Fran whispered soothing things in her ear and brought her back to the edge of control. "Oh, sweetheart," Fran murmured, rubbing her back. "Shhh – it's okay. It's okay, honey – he can't hurt you anymore."

Penelope pulled away and whispered, "Don't – please don't – it's not okay – it's never going to be okay – I – " The phantom touches morphed into slaps, pokes, vicious little snipes that made her feel like she was a child again. Fran had unknowingly triggered all of the little things that she's surpressed for so long. Memories she'd thought she'd buried safely away.

It was too much. She didn't want to be touched. She couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't feel anything but her ghosts.

There was only one place she felt safe. She stumbled away from Fran, staggering into the living room. She needed him – she needed Derek.

She fell onto the sofa bed with him, grabbing onto him and holding on so tightly that she could feel his heartbeat against her skin through her pajamas. He stirred and mumbled something sleepily. She was crying so hard she couldn't make it out – but she held him tighter.

All she could do was cling to him and cry – but he finally woke up and whispered, "Baby Girl… oh, honey…"

"She's out of it," Fran warned. "Be careful, Derek – don't make It worse."

"I've got it, Momma," Derek said firmly. "Go back to bed."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Derek said, his voice softening, "I'm sure – go back to bed, Momma. It's gonna be okay." He waited till he heard the office door close, then he dropped a soft kiss to the top of Penelope's head. "Sweetheart, what happened?"

She could barely form the words in her head before they were tumbling from her lips; there was no way she was going to be able to make them sound better. "I felt him touching me and you were so mad at me and then I couldn't stop feeling it and I hate him so much, Derek, because he's ruined us and – and then it wasn't him, it was my Mom and everything is so wrong and I feel dirty and awful and I broke a glass and spilled whiskey all over the counter and I'm a failure at everything I've wanted to do right – but all I wanted was you and I've fucked that up, too." Her heart was hammering in her ears and she couldn't bear to think that he'd shoot her down or make her feel worse. She was letting him into her soul in the only way she could – and it was up to him now.

"Pen –"

"I would've done anything to make him not hurt you more," she whispered. "Anything. I would have let him kill me if it kept you safe. But it hurts so much to say that. It hurts to feel like he's still – and I was so scared, Derek. I was scared that he was going to hurt you and Dad more than he already had. I didn't know what else to do but let him –"

"Baby Girl," Derek whispered.

"No, it's important – let me talk," she said, putting a finger on his lips. "I've never had a family worth fighting for till now. And I won't just roll belly up and admit defeat because you don't love me anymore. I will fight, Derek. I will fight like hell to keep you and keep you safe –"

"I'm supposed to keep you safe, Baby," he said softly, brushing her bangs out of her face and smiling softly down at her. "Where did you get this crazy idea that you have to be my superhero?"

"Because you're the one that goes out and kicks down doors for a living," she pointed out, blinking at him.

"I'm not going to be kicking down doors ever again," he reminded her. "And I love you, Penelope – so much it hurts. The last month has been hell on earth – you've been here but you won't even talk to me."

"I can't forgive you if I can't forgive myself," she reminded him. "And I'm not there yet – I can't forgive myself for being your superhero. Or the girl who fell out of a tree because she was running away from her mom and fell asleep in the tall branches where mom couldn't reach me without a ladder. And I can't forgive myself for thinking that I could live with being Kevin Lynch's sex toy if it meant keeping you from being killed. I've made so many stupid, bad decisions in my life – but I can't take any of them back."

"I wouldn't ask you to," he whispered, pulling her closer and pulling the lightweight blanket up over them. "They're decisions that made you who you are – the woman I love. I was a fucking idiot, Penelope, and I intend to spend the rest of my worthless life making it up to you."

She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest. "You're going to have to beg and plead and grovel," she murmured.

"Hard to grovel when I can't get down on the floor," he teased her.

"Well, then, you're going to have to get me off a lot," she commented tiredly. "When you feel better, that is."

He sighed and she almost chuckled at the very male reaction going on beneath her – though whether it was her presence or the thought of sex, she wasn't sure. "It'll be my pleasure," Derek finally growled softly. "Not yours – absolutely mine."

"I feel safe with you," she whispered as drowsiness crept in around the corners of her consciousness. "Don't leave me…"

"I don't plan on it, sweetheart," he replied, wrapping his arms protectively around her. "I love you, Penelope."

"I love you, too," she mumbled, succumbing to sleep.

September 12, 2012
9:02 AM EDT

"Baby Girl, I've gotta do this myself," Derek muttered, leaning heavily on his cane and trying to keep her from supporting him. "It's my first day back –"

"I know, but that doesn't mean you have to do it alone, silly boy," Penelope replied with a tiny smile. "No one will look down their nose at you if you need a little help. It's okay. We're almost there, anyway."

They'd already made it around the corner from the elevator and within spitting distance of the BAU bullpen. Derek all but flushed with pride. He'd been annoyed with himself and the doctors when they'd discovered that he had some permanent nerve damage in his thigh that made full mobility nearly impossible – and he'd done his damnedest to prove them wrong. It was getting easier, but it was likely that there would never be another day when he'd be involved in a door-busting, suspect-chasing case.

She held the door open for him so he wouldn't have to fight with the cane. He smiled at her gratefully and reached for her hand, twining their fingers together. They still had miles and miles to go before either of them healed emotionally, but they were mending physically if nothing else.

"Hey, look what the cat dragged in!" Emily exclaimed. "Reid, JJ, look who's back!"

Derek smiled as everyone flocked around him, and Penelope felt okay with leaving now that there were other people to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn't overdoing it. She gently pulled her hand from his and went to her office. It was quiet – too quiet – so she put on some music and went to work. Team B had a list of requests for information already, so she was out of tea by the time she realized it was 10.

She ducked out of her office and into the lounge where she got more hot water and another tea bag from her stash, only to turn around and find herself face to face with her husband. "Hot Stuff, you scared me," Penelope gasped, wincing when she realized she'd scalded herself with hot water sloshing out of the mug.

"Where have you been hiding, gorgeous?" Derek asked, lifting her injured hand to his lips and kissing it. "I was worried when you missed the briefing –"

"I've been working on stuff for B team," she murmured. "What's the case?"

"Wyoming," he said. "They're sending Hotch, JJ, Reid, and Rossi – Emily and I aren't approved for field work yet. Three boys kidnapped in the last two weeks, and two bodies. There's a countdown till more kidnappings and more bodies," he sighed.

She nodded. "You should go – but stay at the police station."

"You know it doesn't work that way, Baby Girl – they're leaving us here so we don't run the risk of getting into trouble."

She sighed. "Okay, well – that means long late nights for me and you and your mom have to take care of the kids," she reminded him gently.

"I know," he agreed. After a long silence, Derek commented, "Did I ever tell you how sexy you look in that skirt? It makes your ass look fabu- hi, Rossi."

"Good morning," Rossi said as he came in to get his coffee. "Sorry about you not getting to go on the trip – but you and Emily will definitely be more useful here." He glanced over at Penelope and smiled. "Hey, Kitten – don't forget you'll need to feed the dogs while we're gone."

"Right," Penelope choked out.

"Did I – interrupt something?" Rossi inquired raising an eyebrow.

"Your son-in-law was just telling me how much he wants to go on the trip with the rest of the team," Penelope lied pointedly. They still hadn't managed to get things back up and running the way they were supposed to be – every time they tried to have sex, she shut down mentally. Every time he told her how sexy she was, she scoffed and threw it back in his face. She couldn't help it. The idea that he was going to continue to be in close proximity for an as-of-yet undisclosed amount of time wasn't helping.

"Not gonna happen," Rossi replied cheerfully. "Though it is wonderful to see you skulking around the office again," he teased, winking. "We'll call you when we get to Wyoming – we're wheels up in an hour."

"Okay," Penelope said, waiting for him to leave before she rounded on Derek. "The hell was that comment about my skirt? We're supposed to be professional at work –"

"It's hard to be professional when all I want to do is bend you over the counter and –"

She blanched even though her heart began to race and heat pooled in her panties. "Derek!"

"I CAN'T HELP IT," he said forcefully. "You're so – god – so curvaceous and sexy and – Baby Girl, I don't understand why you –"

"I still feel him," she whispered. "When you touch me, it makes me – it's not okay and I know it but –"

He grunted and stealthily adjusted himself. "Maybe you should think about dressing a bit more professionally at work if you want me to stop hitting on my wife," he commented. "Otherwise, tonight, ten o'clock, our bed – and don't wear panties. Or a bra. Or, really, anything."

"Derek –"

"I'm going to erase him from your mind once and for all," he swore, his voice deepening with a promise and untempered lust.

She swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay," Penelope exhaled.

He looked at her with dark eyes. "Have you forgiven yourself yet, Baby Girl?"

"No," she murmured. "But I've forgiven you."

He cracked a smile – hell, a shit-eating grin – and swept her into a hungry kiss that was most decidedly not professional. Not to mention anyone passing the room could see them!

When he pulled away, she stumbled a little and made a tiny squeak of surprise. He just smirked at her and said, "Tonight."