"It's nice to finally meet you, Tony. I'm Dr. Charles Thomas, but you can call me whatever you're comfortable with. Charlie works just fine if you want." The man said. Tony refused to take his eyes off of him. He was a stranger and he was supposed to talk to him, about what he still had no idea. Tony didn't trust him but he knew he wouldn't trust him when he agreed to come so he would have to find a way around that. "Since this is our first meeting we'll just focus on finding out what you think the issues are."
Tony shrugged. He didn't know how they were supposed to do this, what he was supposed to talk about, what he was supposed to say. Clint had just told him to talk about what he thought were problems and the doctor would help, but Tony wasn't even sure what most of his problems were, he just knew he had some.
He scanned the room slowly for the fourth time since he had come in. The computer on his desk was old and outdated, it almost physically pained him to just look at it. He could, actually he had, build a better one out of a box of scraps. There were several degrees hanging on the walls from universities giving Charles Thomas his clinical psychology degrees.
"Whenever you feel like you're ready you can just tell me whatever you think is important." Dr. Thomas said.
Tony looked him over closely. He didn't seem dangerous, he was thin, not very muscular, he was definitely taller than Tony but he didn't look like someone who had any kind of fight training. If this man was going to attack him physically then he wouldn't be much of a problem.
But Tony was sent here to tell this man all of his thoughts and feelings, to give him ammunition to destroy him without actually hitting him.
Clint and Natasha had told him it would be alright, that this man was trustworthy. But he wasn't, he was a stranger. He had done absolutely nothing to earn Tony's trust.
"Why do I have to tell you things?" Tony asked slowly.
"So I know what the problems are. I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need help with." Dr. Thomas said. Tony blinked, keeping his face blank.
"How do I know you're not going to trick me?" He said. He wasn't convinced. Even if Clint and Natasha told him it was okay there was no way to know for sure. They could be wrong.
"Well, that would be completely unprofessional of me. I'm not here to trick you, I was hired to help you and that's the only thing I want to do." He said. Tony leaned forward slightly, studying the man's face slightly. His dark brown eyes seemed curious, not threatening or malicious.
He nodded slowly. "Alright. But I won't answer something if I don't want to." Tony said, leaning back in the chair.
Dr. Thomas nodded, giving Tony a reassuring smile as he glanced down at the paperwork on his desk. "Why don't we start with the simpler things?" He said slowly. Tony nodded. "Remember, I'm under multiple confidentiality agreements so absolutely nothing you say to me will be passed on to anyone else unless there is suspicion that you are a danger to yourself or others. What you tell me will stay with me."
Tony nodded again. That sounded just fine. It could very well just be another lie, but he was going to do something stupid and try to believe this guy. Clint said it would be okay, Natasha said it would help. He was going to attempt to ignore all the alarms going off in his head and the tension that had embedded itself into the pit of his stomach and talk about things as best as he could.
"I think I'm scared." Tony said calmly. "No, I'm definitely scared."
Dr. Thomas nodded slowly, urging him to continue. "What are you afraid of?"
"Jesus, I don't know. Nothing." Tony said. "Everything, probably."
Dr. Thomas hummed as he continued to stare at Tony. "And what does that mean?"
Tony paused, blinking slowly. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. It made sense in his mind. Tony was scared of nothing, Tony had no idea what he was afraid of. He just felt an overwhelming fear curl around him and refuse to let him go. He didn't know what he was afraid of, but he was certainly afraid so it also made sense that he would be scared of everything.
He shrugged. He had nothing to say. Everything that ran through his mind made a bit of sense but the problem was he couldn't find the words. There was nothing to translate his feelings into something understandable for this stranger.
"Let's talk about something else." Tony said quickly.
Dr. Thomas nodded. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?" He said, smiling softly at Tony.
Tony's eyes dropped down to his intertwined hands as he thought. He wasn't sure what was okay to talk about. All the things he thought were probably what he needed to talk about, all the things that still bothered him almost every day, were at the forefront of him mind, but they all seemed like things that shouldn't be discussed. They seemed like things to keep secret.
He took a deep, shaky breath. "I don't know. What am I supposed to talk about at these things?"
"Well, some people like to talk about their feelings, you told me you were scared so that's a great start. Some people like to talk about their worries. Other times people talk about things that have happened that bother them a lot." Dr. Thomas said, nodding slowly. "Anything you want to talk about, you're allowed to talk about."
"Okay." Tony said. "They put a tv in my room. They're letting me watch whatever I want, it's pretty nice."
The doctor nodded as he spoke. "And you like watching tv?"
"Yeah. I used to watch it sometimes with… back in the Netherlands. In that house." Tony said slowly. He ran his thumb carefully over his knuckles. "They wouldn't let me watch some shows though. And only certain episodes of the ones I were allowed to watch. Now there are so many shows I don't know where to begin. I've been watching a few cartoons. Those are interesting."
"I'm glad you've discovered all the wonderful things that can be found on television." Dr. Thomas said, leaning forward in his chair as his fingers began tapping lightly on a notepad on his desk. "What else do you do to entertain yourself?"
"Steve comes over a lot. He likes to draw and I like to watch him draw. I'm not much good at art or stuff like that. He's really nice, I like having him around." Tony said, a small smile spreading across his face.
"He sounds nice. He's a friend?" The doctor asked. Tony nodded. "Tell me about your friends."
Tony hesitated for just a moment, wondering why he would want to know about his friends. He already mentioned Steve, which was probably fine, but why was talking about all of this important? What was the point to it?
Dr. Thomas was waiting patiently, appeared in no way annoyed about the time Tony was taking to answer. It would be okay, the people he trusted told him it would be. Clint and Natasha both said this would be fine, that he would be safe. He could talk about a few things.
"I guess Peter was my first friend. We met in a class when I was pretending to be someone else. Even after he found out what I really am he's still my friend. That's pretty strange, isn't it? I assume normal people upon finding out someone they thought was a cool college student is just an equally cool spy whose lied to them about everything usually get upset." Tony said, tilting his head to the side. "Why isn't he upset with me?"
Dr. Thomas hummed quietly. "From what I understand, he probably cares about you and was more worried than angry." He said.
Tony nodded. "That makes sense. Peter does worry about things a bit too much. But Rhodey, he did get angry. He yelled at me for a while because I got us both arrested." Tony said, recalling what seemed like so long ago. "Now he's just like Peter, constantly thinking I'm not okay and something's wrong."
"Does that bother you?" Dr. Thomas asked.
"Not really. It's kinda nice having people who just want the best for you." Tony muttered. "I'm actually meeting them for lunch after this."
"Well, your friends sound lovely." He said. Tony nodded. "Why don't you tell me about a few of the things they worry about?"
He didn't want to do that. Everything Peter and Rhodey worried about was pointless, unimportant. They worried about him eating, when his eating habits were just fine. They worried about all his scars, which were just signs of him being hurt in the past. All that really mattered was him not getting hurt in the future. People worry too much.
It is true that he's been crying more than he ever used to, that if he thinks too hard about the past his chest will seize up and make his breaths quick and shallow while his hands start shaking too much, and some nights he just couldn't sleep for fear that it was all just a dream and he would wake up back there. Those were all probably problems that he was supposed to talk about, but they were also never mentioned by anyone. Everyone always worried about the unimportant things.
Tony shook his head. He didn't want to talk about what his friends worried about.
"Actually, I think I should go now." Tony said slowly.
He was expecting an argument, a disagreement, demands for him to stay and talk about things he wasn't even comfortable talking about with the people he did actually trust. Instead he got a soft smile and a nod.
"That's just fine, you're allowed to leave whenever you like." Dr. Thomas said.
Tony was standing and walking out the door before the doctor had finished his sentence. Natasha was out on an assignment and Clint had paperwork to do, so it was Agent Hill that brought him here. He had only met her a few times, didn't really know her, didn't trust her. But she was just another person the people he did trust told him was okay.
She didn't seem all that bad. They few times he had met her were just fine. She was the one who had interrogated him when he was first arrested, before they figured out all of his lies. She was also there for Thor's dinner that had ended so terribly. Agent Hill wasn't that bad, she never threatened him and never hurt him. He felt somewhat okay with her just driving him to this appointment.
Hill nodded when he came out of the office, standing up and walking with him back down to the car. He climbed into the passenger seat and leaned against the window as she silently started the car and began driving back to the SHIELD building.
It would be a short drive and Tony enjoyed watching all the buildings they passed. He liked watching the people outside going about their lives and he liked the endless sky. It was nice.
The quiet only lasted a few minutes. Agent Hill cleared her throat, signaling that she was about to speak, and Tony raised an eyebrow.
"How did it go?" She asked.
"We didn't talk about a lot." Tony said, shrugging. "I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to say to him."
"That's okay. You're supposed to talk about all that stuff when you're ready." Hill said, not taking her eyes off of the road. "The whole point is to make you feel better."
"Awesome. I'm a bit relieved. I thought he was going to make me talk about everything, like when I ran away or the incident on the helicarrier." Tony said as he went back to looking out the window.
"What incident on the helicarrier?" Hill asked calmly.
"Oh, uh. You know…" He muttered. He just said he was relieved to not talk about it, why would she press further? "When I tried to jump off."
The car stopped suddenly, Tony's body lurching forward and held in place by his seatbelt. "You did what?" Agent Hill asked quickly, her head whipping around towards him.
"You didn't know? It should be in a file or something somewhere." Tony muttered, leaning away slightly. She was angrier than he expected her to be, her eyebrows turned down as her breath puffed in rage.
"I've read every file available to my clearance level, which is pretty damn high, and I have not read anything about you trying to jump off the helicarrier." She said quickly. The cars behind them were honking loudly and Tony just stared at her until she started driving again.
"Natasha told me the only people who knew were those who needed to know." Tony said, turning back towards the window.
"If that didn't mean me then it didn't mean a lot of people." Hill said, her voice losing a bit of its edge. "If you wanted it to be a secret then it'll be a firmly kept one." Tony nodded slowly as he continued to watch the buildings pass by outside. They were almost back to SHIELD. "So, why did you do it?"
Tony froze quickly, his shoulders tensing immediately. "I just felt like I had to." He muttered quietly. He hoped she would just take that answer, not press any further because right now he had no answer to give. He didn't even think he had the strength in him to keep on talking about it. He shouldn't have even brought it up.
Much to his relief, she didn't ask anything more. The car ride was silent the rest of the way, all the way up to the point where they pulled into the parking garage connected to the building and climbed out of the car.
"Tony, please take care of yourself." She said as they started walking to the elevator. "You may not believe it but a lot of people here are really rooting for you to be okay. Also, a lot of my work has become keeping you alive and happy, which makes me a glorified babysitter. I'm more qualified than that."
"I'll try not to make your job harder than it has to be." Tony said, watching the small numbers on the elevator slowly climb until they reached his floor. "I'll be okay."
"Good, because I don't want to have to sit through the meetings that would be involved if anything happened." She said slowly. "The meeting we had after you ran off was too long and tedious for my liking."
They stopped outside his door, Agent Hill looked him over carefully for a moment before reaching a hand out. Tony took it and shook it firmly. She nodded to him slowly, and Tony understood she was probably asking him of a lot more than sparing her meetings.
He walked into his room without another word. As expected, Peter and Rhodey were already there, waiting for him. Several closed pizza boxes laid on the floor next to Rhodey as Peter stood by Tony's new, rather small, tv trying to plug in a large black box.
They smiled when he came in, greeting him loudly, and then went back to the middle of their argument about which wires went where.
"We brought a dvd player." Peter called out as he poked his head behind the tv. "We're gonna watch 'Planet of the Apes'. It's an American classic."
"Yep, big plot twist at the end. You'll never see it coming." Rhodey said. Tony sat down next to him on the floor as Peter continued to fiddle behind the tv, cursing every few seconds. "Maybe if Parker here can actually plug in the dvd player."
Tony smiled and stood back up, gently pushing Peter out of the way to have a look. It seemed simple enough, the different colored cords probably went into the different colored plug-ins. They were a bit hard to see and difficult to reach but a few minutes of carefully pulling the tv away from the wall and getting a better angle and it was in.
"Seemed easy enough and I'm not even an engineering student anymore." Tony said as he went to sit back down. Peter forced an obviously fake laugh as he put in the dvd and skipped through the trailers at the beginning.
Once they reached the dvd menu, Peter pressed play and sat down on the floor with them. The pizza started being passed around then, Rhodey mentioning eagerly that he got stuffed crust. Tony looked at it carefully, noting the excess cheese he saw in the crust.
"The movie gets pretty weird later on because a guy makes out with a monkey lady." Peter muttered as he shoved the pizza into his mouth. "But that's a spoiler and I'm going to stop before I ruin the plot twist."
"You should stop talking more often." Rhodey said. Tony laughed, quickly trying to cover his mouth. "But it's unlikely to happen so let's move on. So, Tony how was your day?"
Tony shrugged, trying to focus on the movie. If he looked over at his friends now he would probably say or do something stupid, like cry again. "It was fine. Just spent a lot of time thinking about stuff."
"Hmm, like what?" Rhodey asked as he tore open the crust on his pizza and just pulled out the cheese to eat it separately. "Like how to get into Peter's gymnastics class? Same, this kid is too athletic and I'm a bit jealous."
"I haven't taken any gymnastics classes." Peter muttered, focused on the movie. Rhodey simply shrugged, but Tony frowned. He wasn't entirely sure what Peter was lying about, but it was something and it had been a secret for some time. Tony didn't much care though, who was he to be uncomfortable with someone keeping secrets.
"Nah, I've been thinking about what to do with Howard. He wants to take me shopping and buy me stuff." Tony said calmly. "I don't know how I feel about that."
"Do you like him?" Rhodey asked, glancing over quickly. Tony shrugged. "Well, I'm not going to pick a side, because I'm already on your side, but it sounds like the guy has been trying to reach out. If you want to hang out with your dad, that's awesome, but if not then don't just say so and he'll probably stop."
"Before you throw him out on the curb, can you maybe ask him to pay for my health insurance?" Peter asked.
Tony didn't know if he was joking or not, but he nodded anyway. "I don't think I'm going to throw him out on the curb, Peter. I just don't know what to think of him. He just left me out there, he didn't find me, stopped looking. I don't think a couple of new shirts will make up for that." He said slowly. "But he's also a kinda alright guy. I yelled at him and said a lot of pretty… scary stuff and he apologized for everything."
Peter reached over and gave Tony a light pat on the back. "Whatever you want to do is up to you. We're here for you, we got your back." Peter said. Rhodey nodded quickly.
"Yep, we love you, you giant loser." Rhodey said.
Tony looked over to the two of them. No one had really looked away from the tv besides a few hasty glances during the conversation and even as they continued to stare at the tv Tony felt a wave of warmth wash over him at the fact that they were actually here. After all the times he lied and screwed up these two, his friends, keep coming back.
"You guys do?" He asked slowly. This finally caught there attention and they both looked at him.
"Of course we do." Peter said quickly, reaching out and pulling Tony into a hug.
"And you want me here?" Tony said, closing his eyes as he felt Rhodey's arms curl around him too.
"We certainly don't want you gone." Rhodey said.
Tony smiled, reaching up and squeezing the shoulders of the two men hugging him. "Alright, good to know. Now let's stop being sappy weirdos and actually watch the movie."
They both nodded and pulled away hesitantly. Tony looked down at his half-finished slice of pizza and smiled.