A/N: So, it's my first update in... well, FOREVER... what can I say, things have been pretty bad, but hopefully this'll go some way towards making it up to all of you. It's not my best work all told, for obvious reasons, so please be nice in your reviews... and please do review, because I need a bit of a boost right now, and it'll probably make me write more a lot sooner. I'm on some new meds now which also might help - so watch this space...
Thank you all so much for your supportive messages - Steph2323, I got yours the other day and it gave me the kick up the butt to finally get this bitch of a chapter out of weird patchy note form and into something passable, so thank you. Thank you to Hailey Quinn as well, for constantly letting me bend her ear about all my petty little problems - I really, really appreciate it.
If you've contacted me already about sending an unedited version of this story, I apologise for dropping the ball on this one, but FF was being a little bitch and then it just all got too much to deal with... so, if you still want one, or if you're a newbie to this story and want the full version, PM me with a contact address and I'll send it as an attachment. (I promise I'm not a telemarketer/scammer/mail order bride merchant. If I was, I wouldn't be living in West Belfast's stagnant asshole.)
Also, you might have noticed my " key is alive again! I don't know why, but I'd like to attribute it to demons, if only to imagine an epic battle of good vs evil going on beneath my computer keyboard. Also because I've been watching a LOT of X-Files lately. Meh. Sue me.
Anyway... I adore you all, thank you so much for your support, and at the risk of sounding like a review whore - PLEASE send me a review. I cannot overstate quite how much they help me.
"I'm sorry it's so messy in here, I haven't been around here much to clean..." Elliot put Olivia's overnight bag down by the kitchen counter, closing the front door behind them. "I've got everything set up for you, though, I got your clothes washed and, you know, your prescriptions filled..." Why is this so awkward? He forced a smile. Why the fuck is this so awkward? "Would you, uh, like anything to drink?"
Olivia shook her head. "No." She crossed her arms tightly in front of her, suddenly very self-conscious. "No, I'm fine." Why is he being so weird?
"OK." Elliot fell silent, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. Oh God, this is awkward. This is so awkward. "Uh..." Quick. Say something. Anything. "Is it... uh... nice to be home?"
Oh yes, it's sunshine and rainbows and gambolling kittens. Olivia nodded silently, fighting the urge to roll her eyes as she looked around the apartment. It looked different somehow, bigger, emptier-
Suddenly it hit her. "El, where's the couch?"
Crap. "Oh, uh..." Elliot could feel himself blushing. Too much trouble to get a new one, was it? Nice one. "Uh, you know, I, um, spilled something on it, and, uh, well, it was sort of time to, you know, get a, uh, new one, so..." He trailed off, clearing his throat unconvincingly. "But we can get another one." One you didn't try to kill yourself on. He smiled brightly, trying to sound enthusiastic. "A better one."
"Oh." Olivia bit her lip. Why do you keep lying to me, El? "OK."
There was an awkward silence.
Olivia cleared her throat. "I'm going to go change out of my hospital clothes and take a nap, El." Anything to get away from this awkward nightmare.
Thank God. Elliot felt a burst of relief, and then immediately felt bad. What, she's been home less than five minutes and you're already glad she's leaving you alone? Nice, Elliot, real nice. "Sure, Liv, I, uh, laid your clothes out in the bedroom." Elliot gestured at her hospital sweats. "Did you want me to wash those for you?"
I'd sooner burn them. "Maybe." Olivia smiled uncertainly, turned, and made her way back into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Fuck. Elliot mentally kicked himself. Way to make her feel uncomfortable, jackass, what, you couldn't have at least cleaned the place a little before you brought her home, I mean, you've had four fucking weeks to do it, Jesus-
"El?" Olivia was back, wearing one of his T-shirts and tugging it down self-consciously to cover her thighs.
Shit. Elliot looked up at her. "Yes, Liv?" Are you OK? Did I do something wrong? You know, besides being a total asshole?
"El, I need new sweats."
"What?"
"New sweats." Olivia held up her old ones. "They don't fit me any more, El." And I feel like some kind of monstrous seacow.
"What? Why do- OH!" Elliot mentally kicked himself. Duh. "Well, uh, do you want to wear some of mine?" Because no way in hell am I leaving you alone right now without a fight.
I wish. Olivia sighed heavily, her shoulders sagging. "Those don't fit me either, El." At this rate I'm surprised my ass even fit through the door into your apartment.
"They don't?" Elliot looked at her, noticing for the first time how the oversized T-shirt she was wearing was straining over her stomach. Jesus, when did that happen? "Well... uh... maybe if you put your hospital ones back on for now, then-"
"El." Olivia looked at him, eyebrows raised. "I would sooner die than put those awful things back on." She caught the look on his face and was immediately hit by a wave of guilt. Shit. "I'm sorry, El, that was a bad way to put it-"
You're damn right it was. "Liv, it's fine." Elliot frowned thoughtfully and looking at his watch. If I get a cab, run in and out, and use the self scan, I can be back in twenty minutes. "OK, Liv, there's a Target about a mile away, I'll be as quick as I can." He grabbed his coat and headed for the door. It'll be fine. She'll be fine. It's OK, Elliot, she'll be fine. "Will you be OK without me?" I'm not going to come back and find you've done something, am I? I mean, yes, I've hidden all the sharp things and your drugs but-
"El, I'll be fine." Olivia rolled her eyes, pushing back a pang of sadness. Is... is he actually afraid to leave me by myself? "I'm an adult, I'm perfectly capable of being left alone for an hour or so." ...Right?
"Well, OK..." Elliot opened the door, glancing uncertainly at her. You might be an adult, Liv, but you're also fresh out of the psych ward. "If you're sure..."
"I am." She smiled and kissed his cheek. "Go, El. I'll be fine." She took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "I love you."
"I love you too." He smiled and closed the door behind him, his footsteps disappearing down the hall, and then she was alone.
I'm alone.
Oh God, I'm alone.
Olivia looked around the empty apartment, crossing her arms tightly over her stomach and feeling a twinge of unease. It was the first time she'd been alone in over a month, and she wasn't sure she cared for it.
OK.
OK, this is weird.
Come on, Olivia, you're not actually scared of being home alone, are you?
Well, no... Olivia shifted awkwardly. Not SCARED, exactly...
Oh my God, you are.
You're actually scared of being alone.
Do you have any idea how pathetic that is?
Look, cut it out, OK? Olivia rolled her eyes and went to the kitchen, hoisting herself up to perch on one of the breakfast bar stools. I just got home from the hospital and I haven't had a drink in weeks, I think I deserve to be a little off right now-
You don't deserve anything, Olivia.
Fuck you. Olivia felt a sudden burst of anger. This isn't about That, this is about me being alone-
You might as well enjoy it while you can, Olivia. It's not like he's ever going to leave you alone again any time soon. Did you see the look on his face?
Yes. Olivia bit her lip, feeling a pang of regret. Yes, I did.
He knows he can trust me, right?
He knows I won't... do anything, right?
Of course. Olivia nodded to herself. Of course he does.
Really? It didn't seem like he did.
Olivia started to chew on her fingernails, glancing across the room at the spot where the couch had been.
I can't believe he actually got rid of the couch.
What, was he scared I'd see it and freak out or something?
She rolled her eyes. Hell, I don't even remember the couch, I mean, I remember hearing him calling my name and I sort of remember the shower, and I remember the ambulance and him holding my hand, and-
The phone suddenly started to ring in the bedroom and she jumped, accidentally biting down hard enough on her finger to draw blood. Fuck. She stuck her finger further into her mouth and sucked on it, wincing a little, waiting for the damn phone to stop ringing and go to answerphone. Shut up, shut up, shut up, you noisy bastard...
"Hi, Elliot, it's Alex, just another call to remind you it's Liv's court hearing on Monday and-"
Olivia's stomach lurched. Fuck. She scrambled to her feet and bolted towards the bedroom.
"Need to be at the courthouse at ten so-"
Fuck fuck fuck-
"Might want to prepare her in advance because J-"
She reached under the nightstand and yanked the phone jack out of the wall, abruptly silencing it.
Haven't they gotten tired of all this stupid legal shit?
Why won't they just leave me alone?
Because they're trying to help you, Olivia.
Yeah. Olivia rolled her eyes and sat down heavily on the bed. Sure they are.
Hell, even if they were it wouldn't do any good.
It's not like they're going to find him guilty.
It's not like it's even going to trial.
I've made sure of that.
She shook her head, chewing absently on her thumbnail.
I can just hear the defence lawyers now, telling everyone what the doctors said, telling them how I got pissed and tried to seduce my boss, telling them how with a few drinks in me I'm anyone's-
"FUCK!" Olivia kicked out at the nightstand, knocking it over and sending its contents scattering across the carpet. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! You stupid BITCH!"
God, I need a drink.
I really need a drink.
She looked around the room, biting her lip, half-wondering if maybe Elliot had missed a bottle or two.
No.
No, I can't.
Another little voice popped up at the back of her head. Why not?
Well, because... because...
One wouldn't hurt.
Yes, it would. It would, it would be bad for... well, it'd be bad for, you know...
Bad for what? For the baby? Hell, I don't know, he could probably use a drink too, being stuck in there all day with-
No.
Stop it, Olivia.
You're better than that.
Am I? Olivia sighed, leaned forward and started to massage her temples, forcing herself to take deep, reassuring breaths. I'm sorry, I know, I know, I'm being silly...
Yes, you are.
I know, I know, enough already... Olivia rolled her eyes and climbed to her feet, self-consciously tugging down the hem of her T-shirt as she knelt down beside the nightstand, carefully righting it and scooping everything back into the drawers. Jeez, give me a break-
Hang on. She stopped, her eyes widening. Is that what I think it is?
I don't know, Olivia, what do you think it is?
I... well... Olivia bit her lip, reached out and picked up the small leather box that had rolled almost under the bed. It... well, it LOOKS like...
She took a deep breath and flipped open the lid, upending the box and letting the ring fall into her palm.
I didn't think he still had this. She held the ring up, turning it so the stones caught the light. Why does he still have this?
Maybe he hoped you'd change your mind.
Seriously? Olivia smiled bitterly, suddenly horribly afraid that she might cry. After the way I turned him down?
What can I say, Olivia, he must really want to marry you.
No, he doesn't. She sighed to herself, tracing her finger around the edges of the setting. He just thinks he should.
But... She felt her breath catch in her throat. What if he actually does?
So what if he does?
Well... She took a deep breath, her fingers tightening around the ring, and then suddenly it was on her finger, the gold band cutting sharply into the webbing of her fingers as she held her hand up to the light. I don't know, what if...
Don't be such a selfish bitch, Olivia.
Oh, great, it's you again. Olivia rolled her eyes sarcastically and reluctantly lowered her hand again. I wondered where you'd gone.
Cut the crap, Olivia, and put that ring back where you found it before he gets home.
Why? Olivia felt a sudden burst of courage. Why should I?
Because it's not yours.
Fuck you. Olivia looked back down at the ring, twisting it nervously around her finger. It could have been. It could have been, if... if...
If what?
If... you know, if I hadn't... Olivia bit down hard on her lip, tasting blood in her mouth, and then she had yanked the ring back off her finger and crammed it back into the box, her heart pounding. Jesus CHRIST, what was I thinking...
You were thinking of yourself, Olivia, as usual.
No, that's not fair! Olivia quickly swiped the tears out of her eyes, frantically shoving everything back into the nightstand and closing the drawers. I'm not selfish, I'm not, not all the time-
Sure.
I'm not, I'm NOT!
He doesn't love you, you know he doesn't love you, so why do you keep making him be with you, huh, Olivia? Why won't you just leave him be?
No, no, that's not true, he does love me, he has to love me, he saved me-
He's saved a lot of people, Olivia, and I don't think he loved any of them. Hell, some of them he probably didn't even LIKE.
No, I gave him a chance, I did, he... he could have left me, it's not my fault he didn't, it's not my fault he called 911-
What the hell else do you think he would do, Olivia?
You were on his couch. ON HIS COUCH. You might as well have written "PS: I'm an attention seeker" right there on the note you left him-
No no no no no no NO-
You know what he thinks of child-killers, Olivia-
"NO!" Olivia burst into tears, jumped up and fled the bedroom. Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP-
"Liv?" Elliot frowned, closed the front door behind him and put down the bag he was holding, reaching out to take her hand. "What's wrong?"
Jesus, did you sprint to Target and back? "Uh..." Olivia wiped her eyes, resting her head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her back. "I..." I tried on your ring and then the nasty little man in my head told me that I was a selfish bitch. "I... I..." He kept telling me that you didn't love me. "Uh..." She looked up at him and forced a smile. "I, uh, broke your lamp."
A/N: So... uh... what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know... the little box is right down there! :D
Hopefully I'll see you guys again soon... words cannot describe how much I miss doing this.