So, this sucks. I just spent the last 2 hours writing the rest of this chapter barely connected to terrible airport Wifi, only to find that because I wrote it on my ipad, which won't save Google drive docs, so I can't even share all of it with you now. Lame. And our flight doesn't land until halfway through the episode so I can't watch it until tomorrow. Double lame. :(
Apologies for any typos, I didn't proofread.
She has no idea why she asked him about seeing what was on Netflix. The words just tumbled out of her mouth. That smile, the smile he reserves only for her nearly melted her into an emotional puddle of goo. Nearly made her just hang up her Saviors hat and sheriffs badge, turn off her phone and curl up on the couch with her pirate, some popcorn and Netflix. She's scared because she hasn't felt like this in a very long time. This heady, throw caution to the wind feeling that bubbles to life inside her when he is around. At the same time, she's not scared at all, knowing that if anyone deserves to make her feel like this again, it is him. He has painstakingly earned every bit of her heart that he possesses.
His line about quiet moments is not lost on her, either. It rings eerily similar in her mind to a conversation she had with David about how life is made up of good and bad moments. She can't stop the smile on her face, the way her body leans into him as he comes closer, eyes on her lips. It's progress. She's not running and some part of her, somewhere hidden tucked away in the recesses of her vulnerability, she knows that he is right. That she should take full advantage of any time she gets alone with him. Of any type of quiet moment she is given.
But she is the savior and that comes with responsibility. She's responsible for the safety of the town's inhabitants and an enormous cranky snow monster running about doesn't exactly fall within the boundaries of safe. More than just that, she feels personally responsible for ensuring the happy endings in this town. She broke the curse. She helped them get their memories back. She reunited the separated. It was all going really well until the time portal and her insistence on bringing Marian back with them.
The guilt she felt over pressing the pause button on Regina's happy ending was eating her alive. Every quiet moment she was given, especially in the presence of Killian, was flooded with guilt. Why should she, the savior, get the opportunity to start a new relationship when she had taken that away from Regina? She didn't deserve it anymore than Regina did.
Reading her in his usual fashion, he immediately called her out on it, claiming that it was more than just Regina. He probably thought her mad for smiling at him right now, but she couldn't help it. No one pushed her or challenged her like he did. When everyone else backed down to give her space, he was right there, doing just the opposite. At first she hated it but now she came to rely on it.
One day she'd be able to open up to him and explain why her walls were so high. One day she'd be able to tell him the unhappy stories of her childhood that made her the way she is today. One day she'd be able to put herself first. One day the guilt would subside. One day she could find that balance between being the savior and just being Emma. But today was not that day. She hated to do this to him, thinking of what she had already put him through. She knew she could put off the explanations and ask him to wait and he would do just that for her.
She took two steps forward, pressing her lips to his. She purposely kept her hands off him, knowing if she so much as allowed herself to linger for more than a second, the kiss would never end. She stepped back. "Be patient."
It was all she could offer him right now. She barely heard his reply, something about time and monsters.
-/-
Maybe it was selfish to expect him to join her for dinner at Granny's that night after she requested his patience, but she still expected him to be there and couldn't hide them disappointment when he never appeared.
The next morning she knocked on the door to his room. Then knocked again. And once more. Right as she was about to find Ruby or Granny to see if he had slipped out early in the morning, she heard a grunt from the other side of the door. "Killian? Are you okay?" She asked.
More grunting, followed by some shuffling and maybe something that sounded like "hold your bloody horses" the door was yanked open from within. Arms crossed, he squinted his eyes at her, blinking repeatedly. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" He asked, voice raspy.
She was momentarily taken aback at how dull and uninterested he sounded. "I...I didn't see you for dinner last night."
One eyebrow rose. " I wasn't much in the interested in food last night."
Looking around him, she saw the bottle of rum on the table next to flask. "You got drunk instead?" She asked incredulously. She didn't know why it seemed so shocking, he was a pirate after all.
"Perceptive." He sounded bored.
It hurt. She wasn't used to him being cold towards her. "Killian, I'm sorry about yesterday. There's just a lot going on right now and I'm trying to work through it."
"Aye. And I'm being patient." He said flatly.
She couldn't keep the hurt look off her face. "Look, love." He continued. "I am not in the best of moods for company, perhaps we could meet downstairs for dinner this evening instead?"