Friday, September 28, 2012

Miraculously, Sai convinced me to sign up for a pole/strip dancing class on Saturday. Apparently, "it will make me feel sexy". I agreed. Here goes nothing, right? Can people I die of public embarrassment? I hope not.

Naruto said he'd go with me. I guess he has taken our last conversation to heart. I'm somewhat more nervous and self conscious about dancing in front of Naruto. The idea if those wide deep blue eyes fixed on me... Well, it is sexy in an uncomfortable way. People can dancer with boners, I hope.

4:00 PM

I tried practicing alone in front of the mirror (without an erection) only to be interrupted by Itachi and his man standing at the door staring at me.

"What was that?" Yahiko opened his mouth to speak before Itachi squeezed his hand visibly.

"You are very good at dancing, Sasuke," Itachi lied. I could tell from how he gulped right afterwards.

Then his boyfriend leaned against him and whispered, "be honest with him. You can't let him dance like that in public."

Itachi whispered back. "He is not too bad. It is just not his forte."

"It looked like he was having a seizure," he looked away from me still whispering.

"I can hear you," I finally spoke.

"If it makes you feel any better; your brother can't dance either," Yahiko smiled reassuringly.

"You love it when I strip dance for you," Itachi gave him a strange look.

"I like you and the striping part."

Then I saw Itachi pout. I have never seen Itachi pout in my life. Not even as a small child. Then Yahiko leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I like you," he repeated.

"How bad was it? From one to ten?" I asked, my blush finally fading away.

"Well, depends on how drunk are the ones watching you," Yahiko added.

"No one will be drunk. It's a class."

"Oh…"

"Sasuke, no one expects you to be able to dance. If you knew, you wouldn't be going to the class after all."

"Sai said I looked good dancing when I was with them."

"Was he drunk?"

"You have a point there…"

6:00 PM

I called Sai and told him I can't go to the class. He told me I should let go and enjoy myself. I then insisted that I am not the kind of person who enjoys looking silly, then he sent me a video of both of us dancing together from that day I got drunk. We both looked silly (and too drunk to be allowed in public). I replied to the photo saying:

"That supposed to change my mind how?"

He replied: "I'm silly too."

"Again, how is that supposed to change my mind?"

"Nothing bad happened. We had a fun night! What's wrong with being silly with your friends? What's wrong is not letting go and ending up missing all the fun. Plus, you won't have a hang over this time."

He had a point. Worst-case scenario, I make a fool out of myself, and get a laugh out of it later. Maybe I should learn to laugh it off… I can't though. Not me.

"Can't go," I sent him back.

"Fine. Do you want to go do something else?"

"You go to the class."

"But then we won't hang out and the guys were already excited about meeting you again."

"You were looking forward to it."

"It's there every Saturday. We won't be missing much. Bar hopping again?"

I couldn't just say No bluntly, so I just suggested something else, "Star bucks?"

"At night?"

"Apple bees?"

"Sasuke, I love you, but seriously…"

"I don't know many hang outs."

"I know a comedy club?"

"Ok, I'm in."

"Wait, I just found this thing online. We can be extras in a movie. That would be awesome."

"I like the comedy club idea," I wrote.

"Or we can make out own youtube parody video."

"I'm in as long as it includes me sitting there passively," I sighed. The ideas were getting worse.

"Strip club?!"

"Sai, are you reading what I'm sending?"

"Yeah. I'm reading this article and it has awesome ideas. Lets go around talking like borat the whole day."

"Lets just go to the class," I gave up.

"So many ideas! How about we kiss a stranger or wear a free hugs sign?"

"I've totally lost you. Didn't I?"

"Get Ja-Cozy In The Jacuzzi! Lets!"

"I'm going to study now."

"Crash A Wedding?"

I turned my mobile settings to silent since the alert sound was starting to get on my nerve. Having friends is harder than I thought it would be. I can't just sit at home and be confortable, at least not every Saturday. I have to be forced out of my comfort zone repeatedly.

The meeting with Kalashi today was interesting as usual. I told him about the Sai incident, and he seemed rather amused. He told me that it will teach me how to compromise, and it's fine as long as I'm not the only one compromising. It honestly felt like a conversation about marriage rather than a conversation about new friends.

On another note, I noticed he has a tattoo under his sleeve. I only saw the tip of it. I think it said Yamato. So I decided to ask him about it.

"You got a tattoo?"

He looked shocked and touched his arm as if trying to hide it. "You saw it."

"It is not bad I guess. How long has it been since you got it?"

"A couple of years."

"Never thought of you as the guy who would have a guy's name tattooed on your arm."

"Gay marriage wasn't allowed back then so it was sort of my idea for sharing a bond forever."

"Then why do you hide it?"

"Well, because some of my patients would like their therapist to appear… trustworthy, and apparently tattoos don't give that aura. Plus, now I have this ring," he raised his hand up to show me.

"When did you come out?"

He gave me a long look before he stated, "16, but you are not the therapist in the room."

"I would a good therapist," I blurted jokingly.

"You would."

"I was joking. I would make a terrible therapist. I don't even know my feelings, how am I supposed to have insight about others."

"You are just not invested enough in anything outside yourself," he smiled.

I couldn't figure out if that was a point he was making or an insult. Then he continued, "But the more connections you make, the better you will be at feelings for others. You didn't know about Itachi's past and you couldn't see the signs, but since you started getting interested in his life, you have noticed more."

"I have been seeing a whole other side of him…"

"You just have to take interest in the lives of others."

"Is that why you are doing it? You are interested in the lives of your patients?"

He then explained that we all have dark moments, moments of weakness, moments when right and wrong seem to switch places in our minds… and then he told me that people their for people through that time to see them through was very full filling for him. Especially when he gets to charge us a fortune for it (he joked).

So anyway, after I agreed to start paying more interest to the lives of others, he commented that he had been noticing that I don't mention Naruto as much in the sessions anymore. He asked me if something new had happened with us. New things did happen, but it seems that everything doesn't seem as disastrous anymore. I still love him, but I have been… I don't know how to put in words. Basically, I've been disappointed enough for me to get used to it (somewhat). Like, I have discovered he still talks to Sakura, yesterday. I saw messages between them on his mobile (I wasn't snooping… or maybe I was). They are nothing romantic or anything that would qualify as cheating, but I am disappointed he didn't tell me. I deserve to know.