Chapter 37

"Liv, you have to stop calling me this late. I'm a married man and a father, you know." Elliot didn't sound angry or annoyed, there was actually a smile in his voice. Kathy was the one bothered by her phone calls, not Elliot.

"We need to talk. Can we get a coffee?"

Elliot sighed. "Eli's sick, Kathy's at her wits end, I can't just leave."

"You know I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important. Please, El."

"Hang on." There was a long silence on the other end, and then Elliot came back with another loud sigh. "Alright. Meet you at your place in half an hour. You make the coffee."

Olivia was sitting on her apartment steps with a decaf tea in her hands and a coffee sitting next to her when Elliot pulled up. He got out of her car, wearing only a sweater because it was a pleasant night, and sat down next to Olivia. He picked up his coffee and just looked at Olivia. When she was silent, he took her cup from her and took a sip, wondering what flavour she was drinking. She liked more exotic teas and coffees and he could see she wasn't ready to talk. "Regular decaf? At this time of night?" He said, slipping the cup back into her hands.

"I'm off caffeine," she said, staring into her cup.

"Losing too much sleep already?"

"Sure." There was obviously more to it than that, but Elliot didn't press her.

"Look, I really don't have time for you to come to your senses. I came here because I'm your partner and your friend, and you've been to hell and back. But really, you called me here to talk, so let's talk." Wordlessly, Olivia handed Elliot the recorder. She had rewound the third tape and she waited for him to finish listening to it.

When he was done he shrugged. "So?"

"So? What do you mean, 'so'? He was gonna let me go!"

"So?"

"So I killed him for no fucking reason!" Olivia was furious now.

"No, you had plenty of reasons. You thought your life was in danger, or for damn good reason. He didn't say 'I'm letting you go, I'm letting you go!' when you attacked him, he fought back. You had no choice, Olivia."

"He gave me a choice, he offered me freedom!"

"Yeah, he offered to rape you and let you go. It would have destroyed you, Liv, we both know that, you couldn't just give in. Olivia, this doesn't change anything."

"I'm a murderer, Elliot."

"No, you're a victim. I can only explain that to you so many times. You did what you had to do to survive."

"But I would have survived without killing him!"

"It's not about what would have happened, Olivia, it's about you truly believing your life was in danger. You have a right to defend your life, not matter what the person threatening you is really thinking. You attacked, tried to escape, and he fought back. The evidence corroborates that. You were weak, you might have died in that forest and you had reason to believe your life would still be in danger if Chris had survived. Besides, I saw the ME's report. If you hadn't snapped his neck he would have bled out slowly, you did him a favour. Now really, Liv, I know it's not easy to get over something like this, killing a perp is never easy, but you have to stop thinking of yourself as some cold-blooded killer." Elliot normally wouldn't be so blunt, but he was tired, cranky and extremely irritable.

Olivia sighed and stared into her mug. "It's different. Killing someone with your hands instead of your gun."

"Dammit, Liv, men who go around abducting little kids and torturing them, those are cold-blooded killers. I don't know what the hell you want from me but obviously I can't get through to you." Elliot dropped down next to Olivia with a sigh. "I'm no good at this."

"You mean I'm supposed to be the rational one." She cast a sideways look at Elliot, who looked exhausted and a small smile played over her lips.

Elliot nodded and they sat in silence for a while. He should have gone home but he was in no hurry to get back to the chaos and he sensed Olivia needed his company. Finally he said, "How much time are you taking off work?"

Olivia sighed. "I'm leaving SVU, Elliot. I'm leaving New York."

"You're leaving New York? You've lived here your whole life!"

"And now I'm sick of it. Shawn can work anywhere, he makes plenty enough for both of us and with my resume I can get a job there no problem."

"'There being…?"

"West Virginia."

"You're moving there? Olivia…"

"I've thought about this a lot, Elliot. It's for the best. There's nothing keeping me here. Sheila's leaving the city after the wedding, she already told me. You're really the only thing left here that I care about."

"I realize a lot has happened to you and Shawn recently, and normally I'd be thrilled for you, but is this really the best time to make such a huge decision with someone? Eventually all these emotions will fade, and you should make sure they're not the only things holding you together."

"We're staying together."

"And that's great. It's still a big commitment, especially for you. Are you ready for this?"

"No. But Shawn and I are having a baby, and after that you really can't make a bigger commitment."

Elliot faltered for a minute. "A…a baby? You're pregnant?"

"Yeah. We didn't plan it, but I'd be an idiot to give it up. And I'd be leaving even if Shawn weren't in the picture, even if I wasn't having a baby. It's for the best. For my sanity."

Elliot sighed and stood up. "This is a lot of information to process on no sleep and I really have nothing to say right now. We'll talk later. Night, Liv."