Hey guys!
I know I said in the last chapter there would be more drama to come, and there is, but not as much. It's a little bit of drama in this chapter… but not the kind you might think. No fear people, Fourtris will get back together in a few chapters. I can't stand my OTP being apart that long. Writing that last bit killed me… I just thought of how much more unbearable it would be if Veronica Roth wrote it. *shudder*
Anyway, here's the next chapter, so enjoy! It's a bit short, but I have limited time! Apologies!
TRIS POV
My nights are torture. Every single one, I am woken up after a mere ten minutes of sleep by nightmares of David. I wasn't prepared to how much this would shake me, and I guess my panic just kicked in after I was in danger. Having experienced nightmares before, I cannot say that they compare to the dread and the anxiety I find myself with before going to sleep each night. But the nightmares don't just haunt me by night, oh no, whenever I turn the light out in my bedroom and try to get to sleep, the ones from the previous night come back just to scare me even more.
My days are worse.
Each second, I am plagued by an overwhelming sense of guilt. I ruined Tobias, I know I did. He told me he loved me, I said the same thing. Then I broke it off.
My guilt also increases when I focus on my loss for Tobias over the horrors I feel of my actions. Every time I think of how cruel I was to hurt him like that, my yearning for him increases and I find myself forgetting about what I did to him.
But forgetting doesn't make anything much better.
I tell my parents I changed my mind about going to school, and I'd rather not. I think they know I get nightmares – they must know, after all, what other reason would a girl have to wake up screaming and crying her eyes out every night?
I end up only half alive; a shell of a person. After next to no sleep every night, I do not have the necessary energy to fulfil daily habits and actions. I have no reason to anyway. In relation to not having the energy, I simply don't have the willpower to continue.
Three days pass since our argument, and in each I hide in my bedroom, doing nothing. I find that I have neglected my talents – having friends and a boyfriend end up distracting me from what used to be my main priorities. Playing an instrument however ends up like a sinister lullaby, luring me into sleep that I have for so long forced away, dreading the dreams that will remind me of why I am in such a state.
On the fourth day, a banging on my door disturbs my seemingly endless emptiness. It's Caleb.
"Beatrice, you have to go to school today. You need to catch up on your school work, and it's almost exam season," he says. I jump out of my bed in anger and to him where he stands at the door. This will be the first time I've talked in days.
"Get out, Caleb," my voice is scratchy, proof of my disuse. Granted, I have tried singing but it becomes a dark thread tugging me towards falling asleep.
"No, I'm standing here until you promise to go to school," he says. I sigh, knowing this is a fight I won't win. It's almost laughable – the old Tris would have been just as stubborn in a fight to get what she wants. But the old Tris wouldn't be in this situation.
"Okay, fine. Let me get dressed." I say, and his eyes pop. No doubt he was expecting me to argue. He must realise how bad this is getting.
He leaves and I wander over to my closet, pulling out the school uniform that I hate so much right now. What will my friends say when I get there? Has Tobias told them?
Can I even call him Tobias anymore? Not to his face, at least. I won't externally show the information that I wouldn't know if we hadn't been together, which is basically the definition of a break up. Pretending you weren't together. As I put on my clothes, a sudden wave of dizziness hits me and I fall to the floor, black spots clouding my vision for a second. They clear up, and I pull myself up again. That was strange. Maybe it was the lack of sleep.
However, every time there is a sharp movement or I stand up too quickly darkness fogs over my brain and I have to force myself to fight through it as to not crumple to the ground again. This must be my lack of sleep – ten minutes, give or take a little, per night is hardly normal. There are other things as well, for instance the lack of food intake or water intake that I have had over the past few days. I eat, but only a little per day when my parents push me because like doing artwork, I simply don't have the motivation.
I guess the only way for me to get through this day is to shut my eyes whenever anyone is moving quickly, and try to move slowly myself. And fight through the threatening blackness. And try to ignore everything.
Great.
As I walk to school, I have to try to and block out any car that passes, as the speed and noise that comes with it makes my head spin. I keep my eyes trained of the ground, trying not to over-exert myself from just walking.
A loud honking noise comes from behind me, and I turn around quickly – too quickly, and I have to crouch on the pavement and bring my hands up to my head until the extreme dizzy feeling leaves me.
"Tris?!" A male voice shouts, "Are you okay?!" I scrunch my eyes together and stand up again. This is not good. I open my eyes and see a Pedrad running towards me. The other brother waits in the car behind him, which I presume make the noise that startled me.
"Whoa, you good? You just kind of collapsed into a ball…" he says, and I look at him, trying to decipher which one he is.
"Uri?" I mumble. He lets out a nervous laugh.
"No, Tris, it's Zeke," he says. I groan and force on my most normal face.
"Yeah, just playing with you," I smile. Inside my head, my brain is begging me to stop, for me to go back to bed or just curl up on the pavement and sleep. But I can't sleep – I'll wake up a few minutes later. The helplessness makes me want to cry, but I mustn't. Not on front of Zeke.
"Right… okay. We're going to take you with us and get Four." He says. I shake my head wildly, causing me to fight through the waves of light-headedness.
"We broke up," I mumble, "don't get Four. I'm fine." Zeke inhales quickly.
"You broke up? Why? It would explain why Four has been an unreachable mess these past few days," that would make the both of us, "but who ended it?" I wave my hands at him slowly.
"In the car. Yes? Let me sit down." I feel like I am speaking a foreign language. Is this English or is it something else I just happen to speak fluently?
Zeke slowly leads me over to the car, and I mentally thank him for being so careful. He must know something is wrong. I'm acting like a zombie.
Like the last time I rode in their car, I am squished up against Uriah in the front seat. As Zeke starts goes to shut the door after me, I lose my balance and almost fall out the car. Thankfully, Uriah catches me in time. I nod my thanks to him and let out a loud breath. This is not how I'm supposed to be acting! They already know something is wrong, why can't I effectively act? They'll be worried, and then they'll send me home. Home seems so alluring right now, but I know that if I go back I will succumb to the sleep that it offers and the nightmares will plague me some more.
"Tris." I didn't notice that Zeke got in the car. "Tris?" I nod my head in acknowledgement.
"Who ended it?" Zeke asks.
"Ended what?" Uriah pipes up.
"I did, Zeke. Don't ask questions, please. I know that you know I'm not in a fit state to answer them," I say. "And Uriah, he means Four and me."
"Okay, one last question, Tris, what's wrong with you? Right now, I mean. Why are you all…" he mimes being a zombie. Uriah laughs loudly in my ear.
"Seeing as you saw, I might as well tell you so you don't think I'm drunk…" I start, but the black spots halt me for a second. I shut my eyes and re-gather my thoughts. "I can't sleep. I haven't in days. Didn't Four tell you what happened on homecoming?"
"No. He hasn't said anything all week," Zeke growls. I groan.
"Well I'll tell you when I feel better," I say. I yawn, but I still can't shed the heavy blanket of sleepiness.
We arrive at school with no further questions, which I am thankful for. My brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate with me right now. My first two lessons drift by, and I ignore any prods from my friends and questions asking where I was.
When break comes, I decide not to join the usual group. Tobias will be there, and Christina will no doubt be loudly bragging about her latest date with Brandon. He hasn't properly joined our group yet, but I don't see why not. He seems nice enough. Will still sits with us, but he seems like an outsider now. He doesn't really laugh with anyone much, well, he does a little but after the breakup with Christina he seems to be taking it worse than her. She's okay, she's extremely pretty and quirky and could get a rebound with a celebrity if she wanted to. But for Will, all the girls in our school are either taken or looking for some thickhead with a lot of muscle. Besides, his sense of humour is slightly too sarcastic and intellectual for some people. I can't quite remember who ended it between them, but if it was Will he certainly does regret it now.
Speaking of Christina and her rebounds, I see Brandon turn the corner. I can see why Christina likes him – his dirty blonde hair is always well kept and clean, like he showers daily. Also, his green eyes are quite attractive. The only thing I dislike about him is his standing reputation of picking up girls. But I think he really likes Christina – I think this is his longest relationship so far.
Brandon smiles as he passes me, and I return the greeting. He moves on, and I am left alone in the hallway, my head resting against the locker like it is my lifeline. But suddenly, someone pushes me from behind. I stumble forward, confused as to what is happening. Darkness ebbs away at the edge of my vision, but I fight it off and turn to see my harasser. It's Brandon.
"Hey Brandon," I say quietly. I don't like the smirk on his face.
"Hey, Tris. So I heard you were newly single…" he says. My eyes widen. Is he hitting on me? No-one's ever hit on me before, not even Tobias before we got together. Well, thankfully not Tobias. I can't imagine him with that leering flirtatious smile playing on his lips.
"It seems news spreads fast," I say. No doubt it was Zeke and Uriah who told everyone. I don't really care, because I wasn't anticipating this.
"Yeah… so I was wondering if you wanted to go out some time." He asks.
"Er – no, backpedal a bit. You're going out with Christina," I say incredulously. How dare he ask me to cheat on one of my best friends with him!
"Yeah, but she doesn't have to know…" he says. I shake my head. I will not be so cruel to Christina. Besides, I'm not interested in Brandon. The only one I want is gone, and I can't force myself to rebound. Rebound. The word sounds foreign in my mind. It would be wrong, especially because my feelings for Tobias are still there, possibly stronger than before. I won't. I don't want to.
"Come on, it'll be fun! A flirty fling!" I scrunch up my nose. A flirty fling? Who the hell does he think I am? I have only had one relationship so far in my life, and I certainly don't want another one. Wait… did I just think that I didn't ever want another relationship other than Tobias? I did. The thought doesn't seem that strange in my head. I want to stay with Tobias, I want us to have a future together.
But I keep forgetting that I broke us up. I ruined that future that I now so badly crave.
"No, Brandon. I'm not interested," I say. He takes a step closer. I try to take one back, but I am pressed up against the locker. This isn't good. This is just like my nightmares – David cornering me and killing me slowly. I can't let this happen!
Shut up, brain! I tell myself. He's not going to kill you, he's going to kiss you!
Kiss me? These lips have only been kissed by one person and I'll be damned if I let anyone else anywhere near them. He will not touch me.
Brandon advances some more and I lift my hands up to defend myself. I push him lightly, not intending to cause harm but to simply get him away. Unlike what my sleep-deprived mind conjured up, my shove has no effect on him whatsoever. He is mainly muscle, and a great deal heavier than I am. I can't process this – what's going on? Why is he trying to kiss me?
I push him harder, but this only seems to fuel him on some more. Does he think he'll get something out of me? That just because he's fucked a lot of the girls in this school and is trying to do my friend he can do the same to me? He couldn't be more wrong. My attempts at getting him off me become gradually feebler as my tiredness increases with each form of exertion. When he is but a centimetre away he is roughly pushed off me. I gasp at the sudden movement and darkness like never before clouds my eyesight. I faintly see Tobias, my Tobias shoving him away with a threat and sending him running. He seems calm, but when I look at him properly I see that his muscles are tense and a vein sticks out in his temple with rage. I breathe a sigh of relief, but it's short lived. I know I am safe, as Tobias is here. He won't let anything hurt me.
With that I gently allow myself to be pulled into slumber and collapse to the ground.