A/N: Well guys, here's another surprise chapter for you! It's probably going to be the last one for few weeks, since starting next week I'll be back to my regular upload schedule.

So, the reason for the extra chapter is that the inspection of my new condo went insanely well, which means we can move forward with the last bit of paperwork for the sale and transfer of ownership. This means that after everything is taken care of, I'll be able to begin the move-in process starting May 25th. To me, that is really cool.

I couldn't do this without my dad's help though. His credit score is quite a bit better than mine(damn medical debt), and so technically everything is going to be in his name. But I'll be the one making the payments and all that. So yeah. He's also going to help me buy brand new furniture and appliances for the kitchen. Can we say stainless steel? Yes, I think we can.

Anyway, this is all in an effort to help me start over after my divorce. That's the other reason everything is in his name. He doesn't want my ex getting her filthy hands on the condo, so we have to do it this way until at least after the divorce is finalized. The other issue with the whole thing is my daughter. My ex doesn't know this, but I'm considering getting an attorney and filing for custody. My daughter doesn't want to live with her mother anyway, and doesn't particularly like her. Especially after all the stuff she's done to me. I guess being 13 years old is old enough to realize that your parents are messed up. I know I've got my issues, but at least I don't stab people in the back or cheat. Anyway...

With all that said, I want to address something really quick. This chapter will explain the whole issue with Micah. But I want you going into this knowing that there is a psychological aspect to it. It is something I've done research on, and while it is still a topic of debate since psychology is such a diverse and complex field, I've done the best I can to make it seem plausible. I don't know how good of a job I did with it, but I did at least try. But there's also a lot more to the chapter than just this one issue, which I know you know. Elsa isn't without issues here either.

One last thing, then I'll shut up. This chapter takes place the same night of the Rose's birthday party. Just in case there is any confusion as to continuity. So it goes back one day from the last chapter. I think I forgot to mention this in the chapter itself, so I'm telling you now.

Okay. I'm done. Read on.

Chapter 37

Fear and Loathing

"I can't believe you, Micah!" Elsa shouted as they entered her room, throwing her purse onto the desk.

They had just returned to Elsa's from Rose's birthday party, and Elsa was still fuming over Micah's behavior. As far as she was concerned, what he did and said was reprehensible. The look on Rose's face told everyone just how hurtful it really was. His words and reaction were shocking to say the least.

"Elsa, I already said I'm sorry! Please, just drop it," Micah begged.

Elsa strode across the room towards the window and pulled the curtain shut, nearly tearing the thing down in the process.

"No! I will not drop it! What you did was beyond disgusting! Rose is your friend! Has been since sixth grade! Now you say those horrible things about her!? What the hell!"

"But I told you, we talked after dinner. We smoothed things over. We're alright again. I told her I was sorry and that I fully support her and Harley. I know what I did was horrible, and I have no idea why I acted the way I did! Please, believe me!"

"The things you said were homophobic, Micah. Bigoted. You treated her like she wasn't a person because she likes girls! What did she ever do to you!? If it wasn't for her, we never would have gotten together! Or did you forget that?"

"No, I didn't forget," Micah told her. "I'm very thankful to her. I said what I did was a mistake. A horrible mistake. I don't know what caused me to say those things, and I regret it. I do not feel that way at all. I'm very supportive of them. If they're happy, then so am I."

He tried to grab Elsa to calm her down, but she tore her self away from him and stormed past him.

"You don't just say that stuff without meaning it! That's not how it works! Something caused you to make a real ass out of yourself. I want to know what it is. What if I had told you I was bi? What then? Would you stop loving me because of it?" Elsa asked angrily.

"What!? No!"

"Then why Rose!?"

"I have no idea! My mouth just opened and words came out without me being able to think about it! How many times do I need to apologize!?"

Elsa threw her hands down at her sides and groaned. "You aren't getting it, Micah! It's not about the apology! It's about the fact that you said these horrible things to one of your closest friends because she came out of the closet! She did that because she trusted you! She believed that you would be okay with who she is! But you shoved that back in her face and made her feel like less than a person! That is not okay! You're so lucky I only slapped you once, because I wanted to hit you all the way home!"

"What do you want from me, Elsa? I've said I'm sorry, I've made things up with Rose, I've told them I support them...what else is there?" Micah asked in desperation.

"How about you start with why you said those things to begin with. And don't feed me that bullshit about you not having any idea why, because that is a lie. Something made you feel that way. I want to know what it is. I have to know why my boyfriend is a homophobe."

"I am not a homophobe!"

"Then explain why you said she is a freak! Why she's disgusting! Those were your words!" Elsa shouted as she stabbed a finger at his chest.

"Can we just change the subject already? It's over and done with, Rose and I are fine now, there's nothing left to discuss."

"No! I want answers, Micah! Now!" Elsa shouted.

"There's nothing to tell! Now just drop it! Please?" Micah pleaded.

"Micah Aldrin, you answer me right now! What the hell is your problem with Rose!? Why did you say those things!?"

"Nothing! I have nothing against her!"

"Quit lying to me!"

"I'm not lying!"

"Then why the hell did you say that shit!?" Elsa asked, nearly screaming at him. She was getting angrier by the second.

"I don't know!" Micah exclaimed.

"Bullshit!"

"Ugh! Fine! You want to know why I said that shit!?"

"Yes!"

Lowering his voice, Micah shut the bedroom door. "Fine. I had sex with another guy. Happy?" he said sheepishly.

Dead silence. Elsa's face went from angry to surprised in an instant. Her brain was trying hard to process what she had just heard. It was definitely not the answer she was expecting.

"Wait. What? When was this?" she asked, confused.

Micah sighed, then took a seat on the edge of the bed. His face was beet red from embarrassment. "It was while I was with Amber."

"Micah, I don't understand."

"I was miserable. Beyond miserable, actually. She had this gay friend that always hung out with her, and one night Amber was out at the store, and left us alone at her place. He started flirting with me, and I have no idea why. Amber had told me several times that he apparently thought I was cute. She even made a few jokes about us getting it on or something. I never found it all that funny. Anyway, I pretty much didn't care what happened to me, and she had gotten into her dad's alcohol and shared it with us. I couldn't drink much before getting really tipsy. By the way, alcohol is gross.

"Anyway, it was just the two of us, he started flirting and I was suddenly feeling really good, and then it just sort of led into the two of us making out and doing, um, other stuff. After it happened, I was disgusted with myself. I quickly threw my clothes back on and took off. I don't think he even realized that it freaked me out. I walked all the way across town back to my place, took a hot shower, then tried to pass out."

Elsa had taken a seat next to him on the bed while he was talking, and just sort of stared at the floor. She didn't know what to say, although she thought it made sense in a way. But she still wasn't sure why he said the things he did.

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?" Elsa asked after a bit.

"Because I am so ashamed of it," Micah said. "I'm not proud of it in any way."

"So, does this make you bi as well?"

"No, I don't think so. I doubt I'd ever do it again. It's not like I found him attractive. I was basically drunk and not thinking clearly."

"Then why did you say those nasty things to Rose?"

"Honestly? I think I was just projecting my feelings of myself onto her. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. I didn't mean a word of it towards her."

"Does she know about this?"

"...Yes," Micah admitted.

"When did she find out?" Elsa asked.

"Earlier, when we were talking. She still thinks I hate her though. I can tell."

"I wish you would have told me. We both promised that there would be no more secrets between us."

"I know. I'm sorry. It's something I am so ashamed of that I just wanted to forget it ever happened."

"So, you hated it or what?"

"I don't know if I hated it so much as it wasn't something I wanted. I don't know. I don't feel that way normally," Micah said.

"You know it wouldn't bother me if you were bi, right?" Elsa asked.

"I know. But I don't think I am. Besides, like I said I was drunk. I don't think that really counts."

"I don't think someone would just have sex with someone else of the same sex while drunk unless it was something they had thought about doing. I could be wrong, but everything I've ever read suggests otherwise."

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing really. But is it possible that you're at least bi-curious and didn't realize it? I mean, alcohol removes inhibitions. Maybe it was something that you wanted to try without realizing it, and the alcohol just took that wall and insecurity away."

Micah was quite for a bit as he thought. He had no idea what to say. It could have been possible, but he felt that it was highly unlikely. If he was curious, he was certain he would have known before that night.

"I dunno Els," Micah finally said. "I don't think that makes sense. I mean, wouldn't I know if I was curious or not?"

"It could have been a subconscious thing," Elsa suggested. "That sort of stuff happens. I mean, there are a lot of possibilities, but the most logical seems to be that maybe you wanted to and didn't know it."

"Maybe. I dunno. It doesn't really matter, because I'm not gonna do it ever again. I feel disgusted with myself, and I just want to forget it ever happened."

"Why are you disgusted with yourself? It's normal for people to experiment with their sexuality."

"I don't know why," Micah said with a shrug. "I just feel that way. I can't explain it. Anyway, I would really like to change the subject now. I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm not ever going to do it again, and I'm not going to cheat on you. Ever. So don't worry about that."

"I wasn't worried about it," Elsa told him. "I know you won't cheat. Amber was a horrible girlfriend and person. She pushed you away, cheated on you regularly, and beat you down so much that you lost all sense of self-worth. You have no idea how much it hurt to watch that happen to you."

Micah let out a huff that almost turned into a laugh, but didn't. "I could say the same about you and Jeremy. He was a bossy, controlling, abusive prick. I want to kick his ass so badly."

"I know. Next time we see him, feel free. I'm fed up with his crap."

"Oh, speaking of. Do you remember who it is that attacked you?"

"No. But I still remember the voice. If I ever hear it again, I'll know it."

"Man, I don't understand how you can't remember the face of the guy that did that to you."

"I don't know either," Elsa said.

"So now what? Are you still upset with me?" Micah asked.

"Only with the fact that you kept that secret from me this whole time. We made that promise together, Micah. No more secrets. I told you the most shameful things about myself that nobody knew, but you didn't want to tell me yours. How are we going to trust one another if we keep these secrets from each other?"

"I know. I'm sorry. I honestly thought you would leave me because of it."

"Sweetheart, I almost left you because of how you treated Rose. But now I know why, and apparently she does too. So, while it was still a shitty thing to do, I at least understand why now. Just, you can't do this. You have to be open and honest with me if we are going to make this work."

"Okay. I won't ever do that again."

Micah leaned back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He was trying desperately to make sense of it all. The whole thing seemed absurd, and he really didn't know why he was disgusted with himself. What he did seemed horrible and shameful, but then if he felt that way about himself, that would mean he'd have to feel that way about one of his closest friends. The thing was, he didn't. He loved Rose as a friend, and honestly didn't want anything bad to happen to her, or to Harley. He was warming up to her too. He even fully supported them, just as he had said to Rose. But when it came to himself, it was wrong.

He wanted to ask Elsa what that could mean, but didn't. Instead, he chose to remain silent. Not knowing might have been the best course of action in this case. Or so he thought. He didn't want to think about it anymore. What he wanted was for it to fade away into obscurity and never come to the forefront of his mind ever again.

00000

Screaming. There was nothing but screaming.

The halls of the house were filled with the echoes of a little girl's screams, but it seemed to stretch on forever. Every door was locked tight, and every lightbulb would burn out and shatter as Elsa ran by. It was disorienting, the wailing, and it was so much so that she was almost sure she had run right past the door that hid away its source. But the sound never grew louder or quieter. It was still as shrill and ear-piercing as when it first started.

As she ran, she could hear something chasing her through the twists and turns of the halls. It never showed itself, but she could hear the grunting and groaning, and it was horrifying. It sounded as if it was drawing near, so she had to keep going. There was no looking back, even for a second. If she did, the thing would catch her and she'd be gone.

Soon she came to a fork. It stumped her, because she had no way of knowing if she should head to the right or the left. There was no indicator as to which would be the correct path. Unfortunately, time was against her and she had to choose. So in a rash of fear and haste, she chose the left and ran.

Behind her, she could hear the thing yell into the darkness, frustration clearly marked in its voice. She could hear the thing thrashing around and breaking glass, then it slowly faded away. But the screaming persisted. That never faded or ended. It was almost like a record stuck on repeat. It sounded like the little girl was in pain. Elsa knew that she had to get to her and help as soon as possible.

It had been some time since she last checked one of the doors, and when she stopped to try one, she heard the beast that had chased her before coming straight for her. In a panic, she fiddled with one of the doors in the hall, trying frantically to open it. It almost felt like the thing was stuck. The sound of the beast was getting closer. That's when she decided to try and kick the door in. She tried several times, and the door would simply rattle without budging. Then she tried the handle once more, and as the sound was only feet away, the door gave way and she fell face first into the room.

It was a vast, empty space. Almost pitch black, except for the slivers of moonlight that cast deep shadows here and there. Where the light was coming from, she had no idea. There were no windows to be seen. Everything was enveloped in a velvety blanket of pure darkness. Even the sound of her breathing was muted in comparison to before. It was as if the gloom was choking whatever noise was made.

The room was covered in a thick layer of dust, as if it had laid undisturbed for ages. It irritated her throat, and caused her to cough, but almost no noise came out. It sounded distant and muffled. Then there was another sound. Something that was indeed distant. A loud scraping sound, like a chain dragged along the floor. It came from directly behind her where the door was, but when she looked back there was nothing there. The door was gone.

"Hello?" she called out, only to receive silence in return.

Wrapping her arms around her belly, Elsa slowly walked through the darkness towards the other end of the room, praying that there was nothing hiding. Sadly, there was. She could suddenly hear the moaning and groaning from before, like the beast that had chased her through the halls. Then she heard the chains rattling and scraping again. It was more distinct this time, and louder. Perhaps she had gone too far in the wrong direction.

"El...sa..." a familiar voice called out. She had heard it somewhere before. It was so familiar to her, yet it was foreign and animal in nature. "El...sa..."

"No. Stay away from me!" she shouted defiantly. She knew the voice now.

She could hear the scraping again, this time coming closer, and that strange moaning sound was louder and caused her to shudder. It, too, was familiar. It brought tears to her eyes.

"Come...I need you..." the voice groaned seductively.

"Go to hell!" Elsa screamed at the top of her lungs.

Then there was a chuckle, throaty and deep. It came from everywhere at once, and she had no idea what was causing it. She just knew she wanted it to stop. It reawakened ancient feelings, feelings that should have stayed buried.

"What's wrong, precious?" the voice mocked.

For a brief moment, Elsa felt something on the back of her neck, like someone's warm breath, causing to her to jump and spin around as quickly as she could only to find nothing was there. Then she heard something that she hadn't expected to hear. Crying.

She felt her way through the dark, doing her best to move further and further away from the voice, until she came to what felt like a wall. It was cold to the touch, and felt like stone, but it was solid and sturdy which was all that mattered. Then, as she felt her way along the wall, the crying grew louder. Over her shoulder off towards the center of the chamber she could see movement in the slivers of shifting light. It was accompanied by the scraping and groaning.

"Elsa, dear, come out of hiding," it called out again. It was starting to sound angry.

Choosing to remain silent, Elsa kept feeling her way through the darkness, terrified she'd trip over something unseen. Moments later, as if on cue, she did actually trip over something, and it made a grunting sound. But the crying had stopped.

As she felt around for what it was that tripped her, her hands landed on something warm. It was shivering, whatever it was, and sniffling. She quickly assumed it had been the source of the weeping just moments ago. Every time she touched the poor thing, it would flinch and back away.

"Shh, I'm not going to hurt you," Elsa whispered as quietly as she could. "I'm here to get you out."

"Please, don't tell him where I am," a small voice whispered back. It, too, sounded familiar. Too familiar.

"Here, take my hand and we will find a way out of here together."

The timid little thing reluctantly took her hand, and they walked aimlessly through the dark, keeping close to the wall. The poor thing was still shivering, but it was brave enough to follow Elsa's lead, and she had no idea where they were going. She just knew that forward was better than where she had been.

"Damn it, girl! You get out here right now, or you will be in more trouble than you already are!" the voice shouted angrily. The sound of the chains scraping and clinking was loud and erratic now, and the thumping of feet on the ground could be felt throughout the room.

Elsa could hear her little companion whimper, and she tightened her grip on the child's hand. They were still skirting the outside of the room, but now there were more slivers of light, and she could actually see some windows on the far end. They looked to be boarded up, and the light was still finding a way to seep through the cracks. It was much brighter here than it had been before. She could see well enough to find that her new friend was a little girl. A very familiar little girl.

"What's your name?" Elsa asked the girl in a vain effort to calm her.

"Elsa," the girl replied moments later. "Please don't take me back to him."

"No, you're never going back to him ever again."

After a few minutes of tiptoeing by the windows, they could see the chains that had the beast locked up. The older girl was sure it was the same thing that was chasing her through the hallways earlier. Strangely, she couldn't remember how she had gotten here. She just woke up and there she was, in a dark, cold room. When she had escaped, the thing started to give chase. That's when the screaming started.

"Was that you that was screaming before?" the older girl asked quietly as they lightly stepped over the chains.

"Yes," the little girl admitted.

"Why?"

"Because of 'him'."

"What did he do?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Familiar words. The same words she used to speak. The memory of why was slowly seeping back in. Then the images, playing through her mind like on a reel-to-reel, reminding her of what she had lived through in a time where nobody was there to save her. Nobody. It was lonely being so isolated by the kind of fear that no one should have to endure. But she had managed.

"Elsa, god damn it! I will not tell you again! Get the hell out here right now!" the beast roared. The chains quickly grew taut, and the girls hurried themselves away as fast as they could.

Unfortunately, little Elsa stumbled over something sticking out of the floor, causing a tiny bit of noise, but it was enough to alert the beast to their location. The older girl firmly gripped the child by the hand, lifted her back onto her feet, and began to run head-on into the black. They could hear the beast roar and scrambling behind them, giving chase and drawing near.

It happened so fast that she didn't have time to react. In a flash, the beast was on top of them, and had the older girl pinned to the floor, tearing at her. She started screaming, but was fighting back as hard as she could. She was cut and scraped, but it didn't stop her.

"Run, Elsa!" she shouted at the little girl who stood nearby, frozen by fear.

The little girl nodded and did as she was told, and ran off into the darkness. The older girl was quickly losing her battle with the horrible creature, who was tearing at her clothes more than her. His growling had turned into moaning, and had started groping her everywhere. She kept on screaming and fighting, but it was in vain. She had lost. That's when she felt it. The most horrible pain imaginable.

00000

Elsa shot straight up in her bed, screaming. It took a few moments to realize she was back in her room, and that Micah was laying beside her. Or had been, until she woke up with that frightful scream.

"Els, are you alright?" he asked as he sat up beside her.

She didn't answer him right away. Instead, she threw her arms around his neck and started sobbing into his shirt. He immediately knew what was wrong, and pulled her up onto his lap, cradled her with his arms, and slowly began to rock back and forth.

"Baby, it's okay, it was just a dream," Micah said as soothingly as possible. "It wasn't real."

"Yes, it was!" Elsa cried. "All of it was real! But why? Why me!?"

The sobbing only became louder, and he just sat there and rocked her as best he could, holding her tight and running a hand through her disheveled hair. He refused to let up, and kept urging and pleading with her to calm down. It only fell on deaf ears.

"Why did he do that to me!?" Elsa sobbed. "Why did he have to do that to me!? I was his daughter, Micah! His flesh and blood!"

"I don't know, sweetheart," Micah said quietly. "I don't. If I could take that all away, I would. You know I would. But he is gone now. He's locked away where he can't hurt you ever again."

"But I was his daughter! His daughter! He should have loved me like a normal father should! But he was so sick and he chose me! He hurt me, Micah! For years! Why me!? Why!?"

She was shouting into his chest, muffling much of what she said. Micah's shirt was quickly soaked through, but he didn't care. What really mattered was calming the girl he loved from her hysteria. This was something he had never seen before. Not once since they had been together had this happened. He had no idea how to handle it.

Eventually, after what was close to a half-hour of constant crying and weeping, Elsa finally calmed a little. She had curled up into a ball in his lap and had a deathly tight grip on his shirt with her hand. She was still shuddering and whimpering a little, but she had calmed down considerably. The quiet of the room seemed soothing to her, as was his constant rocking. He hadn't given up on that, even though his back was getting a little sore.

At some point, he was able to coax her into crawling back under the covers with him and face him. As soon as they were beside each other she had his shirt in her grip again. He never could figure out why she did that, but he assumed it helped. It must have been a comfort thing. Gazing into his eyes, she didn't have any emotion on her face at all. Not happy, or sad, or scared, or even tired. It was blank. It was impossible for him to tell what was on her mind. But her eyes were horribly bloodshot and puffy from the crying.

"Whatcha thinking, baby?" Micah quietly asked, running a thumb across her cheek.

"I wish I was dead," Elsa whispered.

"No, you don't. You don't mean that."

"Yes I do. If I was dead I wouldn't have to do this anymore. The nightmares would stop."

This caused Micah to frown, but he didn't say anything more. He knew that she was just being dramatic because of her dream, but it still worried him. The therapy she had undergone for so long helped mostly, and he knew that there would be slips here and there. But, the sad thing was, it wasn't fail-proof. It wasn't a complete guarantee and cure. She was still going to have times where this would happen. It just had never happened at 2 am before.

"I want you to know, Elsa, that you never did anything wrong," Micah reminded her. "You did nothing to deserve what happened to you. You have to remember that your father is very sick. What he did was not okay and not normal. But you never deserved it, and you never did anything wrong. Okay? Do you understand?"

"But he told me that I was bad, that I deserved what I got," Elsa said, looking away from him. "He said he wanted to show me what true love was. I was only seven, Micah. I was only seven. I was too young. But I had to make sure he never touched Anna. I had to keep her safe. That was my job. As long as it was just me, Anna was okay."

"Elsa, you can't rationalize this. You needed to tell someone. You told me, but you didn't want me to say anything. Why?"

"Because I was so god damn scared of what would happen if we did tell someone. Micah, I was still a kid when he was caught. I was naive and stupid and afraid of everything."

"I just wish I understood what was going on in that head of yours. You scare me sometimes."

"You don't want to know what goes on in my head. I am so screwed up that you would be terrified of ever speaking to me again. You wouldn't love me anymore."

"That's no true, Elsa," Micah tried to tell her.

"I'm eternally grateful that you have feelings for me at all," Elsa said. "You do help calm my nerves and almost always keep the nightmares away. I don't know what happened tonight. I usually feel very safe with you."

"I will never hurt you, you know that."

"I know. But do you remember that secret I shared with you?"

"Yeah, I remember. It honestly frightens me."

"Well, I still feel like I deserve to be punished. Like no matter what, I did something wrong and should be punished for it. Hurt."

"What was your dream about?" Micah asked, unsure he actually wanted an answer.

"You don't want to know. Just know it was about him and change the subject," Elsa told him.

"Okay. Do you ever dream about Jeremy?"

"...Yes. Sometimes I dream about both of them at the same time. At least I used to."

"I hope you can get past this someday. I really do."

"Me too."

They laid there for bit in silence. He still had his hand cupping her cheek and was running his thumb across to try and comfort her. It seemed to be working, as she enjoyed it and leaned into his hand a little. Every now and then he would lean over and place a very chaste and soft kiss to her temple.

"Do you think you'll ever want to have kids?" Micah asked after some time.

Elsa shrugged lamely before replying. "I don't know if that would ever be a good idea. I mean, what if I end up hurting them?"

"Why the hell would you hurt them?"

"Because, it's common in child abuse victims for them to perpetrate the same crimes onto others. In parents, it can be their children. What if I become that person? I would be as horrible and disgusting as him."

"Baby, I don't see you doing that. I think you would make a great mother to our children. I can't imagine you ever hurting them like that."

"Wait, you want to have kids with me?"

"Of course I do. I want to have a future with you."

"So you really believe we'll manage to stay together then, in spite of everything?" Elsa asked.

"Yes, I do," Micah replied. "Look, we get along insanely well together. We almost never fight, and when we do we're over it almost instantly. We both love each other a crazy amount, and I know for a fact that you will never cheat on me. The only issue we seem to have is keeping things from one another."

"How are we ever going to work on that? If we keep secrets from each other, how will we ever grow as a couple? How do you think we will last?"

"We won't. That's why we have to make sure we're honest. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about that thing earlier. I should have. It would have avoided so much trouble if I had just come forward about it and told you when we first got together. But now you know every dark secret I have, just like I know all of yours. We have nothing else to hide from each other. So, from here on out, we have to tell each other everything. Okay? No more secrets and lies."

"Okay. I promise. But you have to make the promise too."

"I swear to God that I will never keep another secret from you or lie to you ever again."