Title: Her Negotiation
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: What would happen if the Season 14/Season 15 finale and premiere were set in the AU of Liv/Will/Noah? Cragen sends Olivia home for a couple days after working the William Lewis case. She hasn't heard from her husband or son for several hours when she walks into their unusually quiet house.
Olivia stroked at the tousled hair of her son. He seemed so small lying on his stomach in the bed between her and Will. She knew in the past few days he'd grown up more than she wanted to admit – more than she even wanted to think about. He'd be far more grown-up now than she had already felt. Growing up too quickly. The last bit of his childhood might be forever gone now, she feared.
She was almost surprised that he was able to sleep. She wasn't sure she'd be able to. Even with the sedatives that had been made available to her, she wasn't sure she could make herself take them to get that rest. Closing her eyes just seemed too scary. She didn't want to think about what might be lurking beneath her consciousness waiting to claw its way out and rattle her in new ways. But she was glad Noah could sleep. She knew that his little body – his mind – was likely exhausted from the ordeal. He needed his rest. They all did.
She looked across Noah at Will. He was laying on his side. Though, she wasn't sure that it was his good one (if he even had a good one at the moment), with the pain that seemed to be creased across his brow. But she supposed that could just be pain and not specific to any of the injuries he'd sustained at the hands … feet, fists and knees … of Lewis.
Even with his one eye swollen shut, though, he still seemed to be examining her. That endless examination that Will did of her. Part of her wanted to know what he was thinking. But so many other parts of her knew she couldn't handle whatever he was thinking. She wondered if he was really forming coherent thoughts yet, either. She felt so scattered. Yet, at the same time, she didn't want to let her mind stay set on a single thought for too long. She wondered if he felt the same way. Maybe his mind wasn't yet still either. She knew he was concussed too.
Knowing he'd sustained a concussion somehow seemed worse if she dwelled on it too long. Will had been concussed before. It must be a bad one he'd sustained this time from the way his head and neck had snapped back as Lewis' boot connected with his face. She knew he must've taken pummels to his head and face prior to that impact too. But that image of his head snapping wasn't something she could dwell on for long right now. It made her heart beat faster and her chest tighten in a different way – even though he was laying right there across from her. A few feet away. And very much alive. Yet, she still wondered what that impact might've done to his head. His beautiful mind. To a man who made his living off of critical, insightful, intelligent, mathematical thinking that she couldn't understand even when she wasn't concussed. She hoped he wasn't hurt. But she knew he was. In so many ways.
She only had to look at his one good eye to see the hurt. His beautiful eyes, that usual danced at her, looked so sad and so dark. His pupil looked enlarged and the usual sparkling grey was such a color of dark green that she thought she might even venture to say they'd gone hazel. Something about that change in the coloring only made that ever-present lump in her throat grow a bit bigger and harder to swallow.
She wondered what would become of her family? What had become of her family? They were broken. So broken. And it felt so much like her fault. But that was yet another thought she couldn't bring her mind to settle on for too long. It was just too much.
She gave Will a thin smile from where she was. She knew it wasn't much of a smile. She wasn't sure what it was. Somehow it hurt even trying to offer it. Yet he returned the same thin-lipped grimace to her. It gave her a more real impression of what she'd presented him. Not a smile. A wince.
"It's going to be OK, you know," he offered.
It was his usual saying. Something he'd told her so many times for as long as she'd known him. While they navigated their relationship. While she dealt with bad cases at work. While Noah was sick. While she recovered from her shooting. In so many other instances in their daily life when she'd experience frustration or sadness or anger or anxiety. Yet, right now, he hadn't seemed to say his phrase with his usual conviction. He hadn't moved to add his follow up line, "It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." She didn't want to think about how far away the end might be, if everything had to be OK to get to it. That all seemed so very far away.
He seemed far way too right now. He was only a few feet. Just Noah's sleep heavy body separated them. Yet, he still felt distant. But at the same time, she thought it might just be the right distance. She didn't want to be left alone. She wanted to know where he was. She wanted to know where her son was. She wasn't sure when she'd be ready to be out of the same room as them for more than a few minutes at a time. Still, she wasn't ready to be touched.
She'd only let Noah truly touch her – truly hug her so far. Will had gripped her shoulder. He'd kissed her temple. He'd touched her arm and her hand. But he hadn't tried to engulf her in one of his embraces yet. She thought that was best. Part of her wanted to feel his arms around her. That safety and comfort that she'd grown to love in her daily life. Part of her wanted to take in his scent and know he was there – confirm his life and his presence and that he was truly OK. Yet, she was still scared that the weight of that touch might feel more like constrain. It might not feel like comfort or love or her Will. It might instead bring a rush of memories that she was barely holding back. Thoughts and feelings that were pushing against flood gates that she wasn't sure how long she could keep in and that she was terrified about when and how they would start coming out. The little drips that were splashing over the dam were already wrecking havoc on her body, her mind. So she'd settled for one of Will's hoodies. The comfort of its soft material engulfing her. His scent still lingering in the cotton. It'd do for now. But how long would that now last?
"You're going to be OK, you know," he added and seemed to look at her a bit harder through that darkened eye.
"Am I?" she asked.
OK folks, that's where I had intended to end this story when I had hoped to have it completed before the season premiere. Clearly I didn't reach that target. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm going to continue the story beyond here or now. I have had several requests to continue on with it. I have many thoughts and ideas on how to continue and various scenes to explore in the family's recover and where to end the story. So, give me some feedback by either review/comment or PM and let me know if you really do want to see this story continued or not.
Please keep in mind that if you are a fan of my other stories, continuing this story would likely take away from any time I might spend working on chapters for other stories. For example, I had intended to start focusing on Rollercoaster after I finished up Hello, Goodbye (which, believe it or now, its end is now in sight. Though, on a side note on that, there is the possibility of a sequel of it, also due to popular request). So, if I did continue on this story, it does mean that continuing on Rollercoaster would likely be put on the back burner and a possible sequel to Hello, Goodbye would be delayed.
Anyways, let me know your thoughts about what you guys, as readers, want/prefer. And, I'll take it all under consideration as I decide if I want to continue this. I do have the next several chapters mapped out for if I did. But here is a fairly logical conclusion - and the originally planned one.