36

"Just like I promised."

She smiled against his neck and let out a contented sigh. "I do love you, you know. So much."

He attempted to kiss her forehead but only made it as far as her temple. "I know. I should have told you before…"

Sleep was starting to settle in as his hand moved in slow, soothing circles low against her back. "Told me what before?"

Jason was starting to nod off as well. She could tell from his slightly slurred words and the peaceful rhythm of his breathing. "That I loved you."

Elizabeth smiled, letting her eyes flutter shut. "I know you love me. And just like you said that I didn't have to say it when I said it, I'm telling you that you shouldn't ever feel like you have to say it. That's why we did this again slowly, and why we did it right this time. No acts, no pretending, no worrying about what anyone else thinks…no compulsion."

He shook his head just slightly. "It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I should have told you that I loved you a long time ago."

The corner of her mouth quirked up. "And how long is a long time ago?"

"…Right around the time you jumped out of a moving car to get away from me…"

Her eyes shot wide open just as he was about to drift off. It couldn't be right. Since she jumped out of a moving car to get away from him? That was almost a year ago. That was when they were still married, for Christ's sake. That was before he taught her how to shoot, before they had sex at the Greystone, before she was kidnapped, before he rescued her, before the ugliness of their divorce.

Struggling out of his hold, she braced her weight on her elbow and stared down at him. "When I was trying to run away? Back to Boston?"

He grumbled something affirmative and lazily reached out for her, missing her warmth. "Mhrm."

Something in her brain clicked, and Elizabeth scrambled away before he could touch her. "Oh, my God."

If the bleak astonishment in her voice wasn't sufficient to rouse him, the fact that she was tugging the afghan out from under him was. Jason shook himself out of his groggy stupor and stared at her for a second before he had to roll onto his back as she succeeded in freeing the blanket, yanking it up and quickly wrapping it around her.

He swore under his breath as she stood and backed away, then reached for his boxers. Only when he was somewhat clothed – really, he hated having a conversation without wearing pants; he always felt that it put him at a disadvantage somehow – did Jason stand and look back at her.

She stared back at him, her arms crossed tightly over her chest and the afghan lapping at her knees. Not knowing what else to do, Jason stood a few feet away with his arms loose at his side, waiting for her to speak.

"…You loved me since then." She worked her jaw and stared at him, elaborating when he didn't move a muscle in acknowledgment. "Since I jumped out of a car after you had Spinelli hunt me down."

There wasn't much he could say to that except what he truly felt. "Yeah."

Elizabeth let out a wavering breath, her eyes never straying from his. "All that time."

A flicker of something ran through his expressive eyes – amusement, embarrassment, hurt, she couldn't figure out which – and the corner of his mouth twitched just slightly. "All the time."

This wasn't happening. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. They had the worst marriage possible, and it wasn't until Elizabeth thought it that she realized she had already said it aloud.

His lips thinned, but he nodded. "I know we did."

She felt the blood rush to her face, which was flushed already, and she just wanted to crawl into a hole in the floor. But now that she had said it, she figured she might as well get it all out.

"We never talked, we argued all the time, we did everything we could to avoid each other," she listed. "We used Sonny and Brenda as buffers, we sometimes went days without even seeing each other…"

Jason's expression didn't change. "I know."

Her eyes glistened, and her lower lip began to tremble. "How could love or anything like it even be possible in a marriage like that? How could it even survive?"

He shook his head. "I don't have an answer for that."

"Jason…" She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, a habit she'd most likely picked up from him. "The whole time we were married, I was looking and hoping for a way out. Just like I thought you were. I didn't want to be your wife anymore than I thought you wanted to be my husband. You admitted that you didn't want to be my husband or anyone's husband, remember?"

"I-"

"Jason, I dreaded you."

"I know," he replied honestly, taking one small step forward. "I'm just lucky you didn't hate me."

"There were one or two times I thought I did," Elizabeth responded without flinching. "But I never once thought that there was anything more between us – that there could have been anything more between us. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Jason's brow twitched. "You weren't ready to hear it. Even now, you're not ready to hear it."

Two fat tears escaped her lashes and trailed down her cheeks, and Elizabeth struggled to keep her words level and clear. She heard the understanding and sadness in his voice, and it just made it all worse. "All that time, you loved me."

He tilted his head to the side. "Yeah. I never stopped."

"When you dragged me home from the city, when we had to go those awful parties thrown by your associates, when you taught me how to hold a gun…"

Jason moved forward until she was within reach, and tucked her hair behind her ear. Elizabeth leaned into his touch despite clearly not wanting to, and he took advantage of her momentary lapse and slipped his arm around her waist until her head rested on his shoulder.

"When I took you to bed and promised I'd make you breakfast in the morning," he murmured as her silky locks brushed the stubble on his cheek. "When I had to go to a meeting before you woke up, when I heard that night on the way home that you were taken. When I searched for you, when I found you, when I brought you home…"

He didn't want to go on because he knew what happened next, and he hated bringing it up because the remarks he made during that argument were some of the ugliest things he'd ever said. "It was easier for everyone if I kept it to myself, that's all."

She sniffled, and he felt the wetness of tears against his shoulder. "But…all that time…you didn't want me to know."

Jason shook his head. "No. Honestly, I didn't even want to love you. Because if I loved you, it meant that I was invested in you, and it meant that it would hurt when you walked away."

"I still walked away," she murmured.

"I know," Jason allowed. "But if I loved you, it meant that I depended on you. To be there, to be okay, to maybe one day love me back. And I never had to depend on anyone. Even Sonny. He was my best friend and my partner, but I always tried not to depend on him in any other way. And then…"

Elizabeth sniffled again and looked up at him. "Then?"

He shrugged. "He got married. He started his family. And I realized that it was impossible to keep yourself from loving like that. I loved Sonny, I loved Brenda, I loved Michael, and I needed all of them to be safe and happy and a part of my life. And I accepted that. And I knew they knew how I felt about them. So when I fell in love with you…I knew I couldn't fight it or block it out completely. I just figured it would be easier for both of us if you didn't know."

She closed her eyes as his words sank in and his true reasoning became clearer. "All that time, you stayed quiet."

"Yeah."

She opened her eyes, looking up at him candidly. "Jason, I wasn't a good wife to you when we were married. And I'm not worth that kind of wait."

His lips curved just slightly and Jason rested his forehead against hers. "Why don't you let me decide that?"

Elizabeth chuckled despite herself and rested her palms on his cheeks, framing his face. "I never knew. I'm so sorry that I never knew. I could have saved us both so much time and pain and anger…"

But Jason shook his head. "I don't think so."

"W-What do you mean?"

"I think…it was meant to happen this way," he admitted. "People grow and things change. We changed. And I don't think you can expect two people – any two people – to grow and change at the same rate. I loved you. You didn't love me. I knew that, I understood it and accepted it. There was nothing I could have done to make you love me. That's not how it worked."

The corner of her mouth quirked up. "Well, you could have been your loving, funny, wonderful self and I would have fallen in love with you in a heartbeat."

He arched his brow. "Do you really think you would have?"

Elizabeth considered it and wrinkled her nose. "Probably not."

"Yeah."

"I was still in shock about the whole kidnapping thing and being forced to marry you," she admitted it. "I never would have thought that something like that could happen to me."

His arms tightened around her waist. "I know."

Elizabeth smiled to herself and shifted in his hold, lifting up on her toes to kiss his chin. "I'm sorry I freaked out."

Jason smiled. "Don't worry about it."

"You're right," she continued. "It doesn't matter who did or didn't say what in the past. I'm falling back into old patterns, like when we were still married. All that matters is that I know who you really are, and how kind and thoughtful and generous and amazing you can be. And that we're past all of our miscommunications and misunderstandings for the most part. And that we love each other."

He brushed his lips against hers and then paused to nibble on the bottom one. "Yeah, and it only took us getting divorced to figure that out."

He grunted when she punched him in the stomach. "Oof. Fine. Let me know when you're ready to laugh at it."

---------------------------

Some time later…

Elizabeth slid out of bed when the phone rang and grabbed it off the cradle. "Hello?"

She recognized the voice on the other end immediately and leaned against the little lounge sofa she kept in her bedroom. "Oh, hi. How are you? Can you talk? You're sure that no one else is around, aren't you?"

She smiled when she got the answer. "Good. Yeah, I can talk, too. How are you? How is everything? Oh, wow, that sounds awesome. I knew you'd be good at that. Uh-huh, I bet that's what he says. Yeah. I know. Yeah, he does that sometimes. Just ignore him: it drives him crazy. Uh-huh. Sure, you can do that. Let me know how it goes, okay? Yeah, yes, he is."

Elizabeth glanced at the bed and wrinkled her nose. "Oh, honey, I would, but he's fast asleep. Yeah. No. I think he's coming back this weekend, though, so you can see him then."

Jason grumbled something incoherent and turned over onto his side. Elizabeth waited until she was sure he was sound asleep once more before she spoke again.

"Yeah. I'll tell him to call you just as soon as he wakes up, okay? I promise. Yes, we are. I think your mom invited Johnny, too. Yup, all of us are coming to your place on the 20th. Think you can wait?"

She laughed at his answer. "Well, you just try, okay? We'll be there before you know it. And Spinelli's bringing Georgie, right? That's what I thought. Yeah. And Michael?"

She cleared her throat and waited until she was sure she had his full attention. "Honey, remember what your uncle and I told you, okay? You can't tell anyone that we're dating again. You can't even whisper it to us when we're over. You have to just pretend like we haven't seen each other in months, okay? Remember? Good boy, I knew you wouldn't. Okay. Yeah, he'll call when he wakes up."

Jason grumbled something else and let out a strained sigh, and Elizabeth slipped out into the hall so that he could have some peace and quiet. "So tell me about this painting your uncle tells me you're working on…"