Here we go guys, number 37. WOW.
Worry not, I explained what the heck is Robb doing back at Winterfell. He had some good reasons. And while there will be trouble ahead… oh, you'll see.
I'll do my best to update at least once more before my vacation. I'm 80% sure I'll get to do that. I mean, I love this story, but I'm seeing The Killers tomorrow night, Liam Gallagher on Thursday and Years&Years on Friday. They are kind of a priority, SORRY!
All jokes aside, I'll do my best to update soon. Let me know what you think, you know the drill! :)
"Mother, I am tired. We will speak in the morning."
"Robb, we must discuss this."
"Mother, please," Robb tells her, stopping in his tracks. Both Catelyn and I stop as he turns around. "I have been riding for days. One night of sleep is all I ask. We will fight the war tomorrow." He tells her.
"Very well," Catelyn agrees, even though it was clear that she was not content with his decision. "I wish you both a good night. And tomorrow morning, we will discuss this." She announces as she turns around and takes her leave. Robb and I both watch her walk away and I wait until we are alone.
"I will sleep in Shireen's chambers tonight," I tell him as I turn around. "You said it yourself. You need a warm bath and a rest. I used your chambers, but you are back now. You need some peace."
"Our chambers," he shakes his head. "You are staying with me. If that is what you want." He adds. Of course. Even now, after everything, he wants to give me a choice. Why am I still surprised by it?
I do not say a word. I simply start walking and let him follow me. Some of the servants already had a bath at the ready for him. I do not say a word as he takes his clothes of and gets into the bath. I did not even look at him. I did not know what to say or what to do and the only think I could think of is how I have taken too much space in his space. I could not sit still; instead, I was cleaning up the room that was already clean. I put all the papers on one side of the desk. I put the notebooks away into drawers and I just move things around, so that I could keep my hands busy.
I was not expecting him. Even when I am expecting him, I still lose my words. Now, it was too big of a surprise to me. I did not think I was going to see him in a very long time. Not much time has passed since I left Riverrun. I did not even have a chance to properly miss him. With everything that has happened since I returned here… I do not know what to say.
I know I cannot tell him the truth. Not when we might have a chance to try again. Which would be an ideal solution, if I was not petrified of trying again. What if we do not succeed? And even worse, what if we do and I have a miscarriage? Perhaps a second one? Is that really something I'd survive?
I was not ready to see him again, but when I did, I ran to him like the rest of the world was completely irrelevant. I did not care who would see us or what they would think. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him and breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that he is still safe and that now, with him by my side, I am safe as well. I did all of that. I fell into his arms, I kissed him like we were the only ones in the world and I allowed myself to feel relief, if only for a moment. But now, I do not know what to say or do.
Neither does he, apparently. He is silent as he bathes and I sit behind the desk, waiting for him to come and talk to me, if he plans on talking to me at all. Just as I was about to check and see if he managed to fall asleep in the bath, I hear water splashing and I see his silhouette behind the changing screen as he gets up from the bath. When he walks into my view, he is completely naked.
I have seen him naked many times before; I have been naked with him and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
For some reason, I never had a chance for a proper look, not like I did now.
He is as handsome as he is… beautiful, I imagine. I focused on his eyes, all this time. Of course, I knew he had a nice smile and I do love his hair. I knew he was strong and muscular, but I have never seen the muscles on his back as clear as I did now, when he stretched out his arms as he got dressed. When he turned around, I did not bother looking away. It is a surprise, even to me, but I have no problem with him knowing I looked at him. Unfortunately, I still have not regained my ability to speak.
"Are you tired?" he asks. The only thing I could do was nod my head. "So am I. We should sleep." He tells me. I need nothing more. By the time I get to the bed, he was already lying under the covers, lifting them up for me to lie next to him. I do so, a little worried of how close I should approach him. After all that has happened, all the honest words we spoke, I still do not want to invade his space.
He did not comment on my distance; he simply pulled me closer to him. I could feel a small smile creep up on my face, but I pushed it back before I looked up at him. He was looking at me as he ran his hand through my hair. As tired and scared as I was, deep down, I was hoping he will not let me go the entire night. I suppose he is tired as well. He says nothing but just looks at me, running his fingers through my hair and caressing my face. The silence was not uncomfortable, not at all. I enjoyed it.
I raise myself closer to him and I kiss him on the lips; a brief, soft kiss, nothing but a touch.
"Welcome home." I say in a whisper.
I could barely see his smile, but I knew it was there. He smiles, closes his eyes and pulls me just a little bit closer.
He fell asleep fast, with his arms around me as I watched him, while slowly drifting away myself.
It has been a while since I slept as well as I did last night, but even so, the moment I woke up I knew I did not have enough sleep.
It might not be about sleep; perhaps it has more to do with everything that needs to be done today.
He was awake as well. Just as we did last night, we look at each other in silence. Soon, one of us will have to speak. I would be fine with it, if we knew what to say.
"Why are you here?" I ask. Leave to me to ask something as stupid as that.
"To protect my family." he tells me.
"Is it from the Ironborn?" I ask.
"We will speak with my mother and Ser Davos. You will hear it all then."
"You could have sent Jon. You could have sent Davos. Yet you came. Why?" I ask him.
"Because I wanted to come home," he admits. "If only for a little while."
He either did not want to speak to me or did not want to say the same words twice. Saying nothing else, I get up and get dressed as he did the same. No other words were shared and as we were getting ready, I am one step away from thinking that things between us are not as good as I thought they are. Before I had a chance to confirm my doubts in any way, he takes me by the hand.
The hand holding is weirder than anything else. It is the strangest form of affection I shared with him. A kiss is different, an embrace in different. How ironic is it, that holding hands is more intimate?
We waste no time; today, we will not dine and laugh as we catch up on lost times. No, we are jumping into it, head first. Lady Catelyn, Ser Rodrick and Ser Davos were already waiting for us in an empty hall. As I take a seat next to Robb, I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable with being a part of his council.
I have been Queen for a while now and I am yet to adapt to it. In all honesty, I wonder if I ever will.
"Sophia, Mother, Ser Rodrick, Ser Davos," Robb greats us all, in a very formal way. "As you all know, we have received word that the Ironborn are gathering their strengths at Pyke. We did not know where they will go or what they would do. However, now we do. They do not plan to side with the Lannisters. In fact, they are making their way to the North. And I am here to stop that." He tells us.
"They want Theon Greyjoy, don't they?" Catelyn asks.
"Aye," Robb confirms. "And I will not let them have him. He is imprisoned for what he did to my family and my home. I am not handing my prisoner over to them just because they asked nicely."
"Your Grace, invading the North is not asking for something nicely." Ser Rodrick tells him.
"Which is exactly why I will not greet them nicely," Robb tells him, before looking around the room, at each one of us. "King Stannis and Jon will hold the South. We defeated the Lannisters and they lost a lot of men. We must use that to our advantage, but I will not let the North remain undefended. The Ironborn have sent their demands and I will respond to them today. By the time they reach land, we will already be there, waiting for them. Then, we will continue with the South, marching on Casterly Rock."
Casterly Rock? The one seat in Westeros that was never conquered?
"Robb? May I speak to you in private?" I ask him, aware that they were all staring at us. I learned my lesson; if I have to disagree with him, I will do it in private. It would appear that he learned his lesson as well, as he nodded his head and stood up. I followed him out of the hall, ignoring the confused looks of the remainder of the council.
"What is the matter?" he asks as soon as we are alone.
"You will not hand them Theon?" I ask, wanting to be sure.
"They will have him over my dead body."
"Do you truly think they want him that bad?" I ask, earning a confused look from him. "You told me that when he attacked Wintefell, he did not have many men with him. Ser Rodrick took Winterfell away from him with ease and a handful of men. Would any King send his son with such a small number of men? Is his sister not leading a larger army?" I ask.
"She is," he tells me. "She is the one leading the army to the North."
"And do you think you could defeat her, if it comes to a battle?" I ask.
"Ironborn are good on water," he shakes his head. "They do not know how to fight on land, not as well as we do. And I will not attack them while they are on water."
"Even if you do win, men will die, will they not?" I ask him.
"Sophia, it is war," he sighs. "Men die. I wish it was different, but it is not. Whether I win or lose, men will die. The only difference between the winning and the losing side is the number of dead they have to bury." He tells me; I remember Father telling me something similar. Or was it Ser Davos?
"What if you find a way to do things the way you want to do them, without losing a single life?"
"What are you suggesting?" he asks in confusion and I smile at him.
"I told you. You are the leader on the battlefield, but I know how to play the game," I say, trying to ignore the feeling of pride that started rising in me. "The Ironborn might be impulsive, but they are not completely daft. If they know, if they see that an army is waiting for them, they will rethink their steps. You could turn the whole thing around to our benefit."
"How?" he asks, frowning down at me.
"When they see you all, they will know you are ready to fight, kill and die. They will know that their leader might not live to see another battle, and that their other heir is locked up in our dungeons. If they think they have too much to lose, they will stop and reconsider. And that is the perfect time for you to propose a deal. Or, if I am to call it by the right name, blackmail them." I shrug.
"You think I should use Theon as leverage?" he asks, seeing the direction I was taking.
"Yes," I agree. "You will offer them his head or him safely returned, if they fight with you. Father has a strong fleet, but so does King's Landing. He failed before. I can see the Ironborn being a huge advantage for us. Even with Casterly Rock, which is something we need to discuss on a different occasion because I do not agree with you on that." I add, knowing that this was not the good time for me to call him a mad man. "They refused you before, they will not refuse you a second time. Perhaps give them their own Kingdom." I add.
"Is that something your father would be comfortable with?" Robb asks, frowning.
"Absolutely not," I shake my head. "But better a damaged Kingdom than no Kingdom at all. Besides, he despises the Ironborn. And that is only a possible addition to the deal I suggested."
"So, offer them Theon alive and well, offer them peace, so long as they fight on my side?" he asks and I nod my head. "That would be a good idea if the situation is different. I do not want to give them Theon. He betrayed me, Sophia. He stabbed me in the back, without thinking twice. I refuse to forget. I want his head." He tells me. When he speaks of his former friend, I truly see the hurt on his face. He only ever has it when he speaks of Theon and his father. The mention of his missing siblings might cause a similar effect, but those are all topics we mostly avoided and for good reason.
Betrayal is horrible. What makes it even worse is when you are betrayed by those closest to you.
"You say you want his head," I sigh, looking away from him. "You say that with such certainty, and yet, you are here, in Winterfell, not that far away from where he is locked up. Anyone could have taken his head, many moons ago, and it did not happen. You did not rush to do it as soon as you returned. I know you want him punished. I know you want him dead. But you do not really want to be the one that kills him, do you?" I ask. I looked away because I felt uncomfortable, but when he says nothing, I know I have to see his reaction. He was looking away from me, but I could still see the hurt in his eyes. I walk closer to him and I move his chin with my hands, so that he has to look at me. "I know that what I am suggesting is not easy, not by any means. If I saw another way, I would offer it. I don't. And I don't want to see more men die, I don't want to see you fighting more battles. I want us to win this and for it to be over with. Do it for the greater good. Spare Theon for the greater good." I plead with him.
"I will never forget what he did." He shakes his head. I move even closer to him, moving my hands to his neck as I stare at him; I need him to know I mean every single word I am saying.
"Nor should you. I am not asking you to do that. Pardon him, do not forgive him. What he did is more than unforgivable. But you are a better person than he is, Robb. You are a good King, a good man. Pardon him for his crimes and use it to your advantage. Once this is all over, he will be away and you will never have to look at him again. I do not know you as much as I want to, I know that. And I might be wrong, but from what I learned about you in these months that we have been married… I do not think you could sleep well at night, knowing you took your friend's head, no matter how many times he betrayed you."
I might be guessing, but if there is one thing that I did not doubt for the duration of this marriage, is Robb's good heart. There is not an evil bone in his body. Like all of us, he is prone to anger and impulse and I am sure that if he was close to Theon before, we would have no deal to offer to the Ironborn. He might be angry now, but the impulse is gone. I do not think he would be comfortable with that. He would do it, I know he would. He would do his duty, but I doubt he would ever fully recover. I do not want to see that. I would be glad to help when picking up the pieces, but I never want him shattered to begin with. I just want for us to have a calm, peaceful life. And in a calm and peaceful life, my husband would not be cutting off the head of his former friend.
"Are you right all the time?" he asks and I crack a small smile.
"No, probably not," I shake my head as he smiles at me. "I might be wrong about this as well. The Ironborn might not agree, for all we know. I think we should at least try first. We have nothing to lose."
"Are you doing this to win us a war or because you want me safe?" he asks.
"You will go either way," I shake my head. "A deal, a battle, you will be gone soon enough. Even a deal might lead to a battle after all. That being said, why can't I try to win a war and keep you safe at the same time?" I ask. When he smiles at me, I feel that good old pride growing in me again.
He pulls me next to him and kisses me, with the same tenderness like the kiss from the night before.
"You never fail to surprise me," he tells me when he pulls away. "And you never fail me."
"We should speak to them," I say, nodding my head in the direction of the hall. "They are waiting."
He nods and takes me by the hand.
While it is considered impolite to have someone waiting for you, it is not the reason why I decided to elegantly stop our conversation. Hearing him saying that I never fail him was like a dagger in my gut. He does not know the truth. He looks at me like I am some sort of… all-knowing woman, without a fault. Like I always work in his gain, like I will continue to do that and never fail. While I will work in his gain for the rest of my life, failure is sometimes inevitable. And what he does not know is that I have already failed him, in the most horrible way.
They will leave in two days' time. To Deepwood Motte, probably. I managed to convince Robb to spare Theon's life, if only for the time being. I did not do so for Theon's wellbeing; I did so to keep my husband alive for a while longer.
Once again, I am going to have to say goodbye to him. Thankfully, this time, I will not have a proper chance of getting used to him being around.
I did not expect to have any privacy today, but I did. I had no idea where he was now. I did not want to ask. So long as he is not killing our only leverage against the Ironborn, I am alright.
I had my own work to do. Robb has returned, yes, but I did not have fewer papers to sign. A part of me was hoping he would help me with his part of the work load, but he did not offer and I did not ask. After all, he is back from war and preparing to continue it. As much as I would like help, I do not want to bother him in any way.
I am so focused on my papers that I do not even look up when the door opens.
"Lana, I told you I am alright," I sigh. "You may return to your other duties."
"It's me," Robb speaks up and I finally leave the papers alone. He smiles as he sits down on the bed. "I almost forgot just how much I missed Winterfell."
"Where did you go?" I ask him, pushing the papers away, both in my mind and with my hands.
"I didn't even leave the courtyard," Robb laughs. "No, I was just walking with Sansa. I missed her as well. Being back here, being home again… I miss my entire family. Arya, Bran, Rickon… I have not been home since Father died. When I left, I was leaving to save him. Now I am fighting to avenge him." he tells me and once again, I receive a confirmation that he is not at peace with his father's death.
I cannot blame him for that, not at all. If someone was to take Father away from me, I have a feeling I would start a war myself. He might be a man grown, but Robb is still someone's son. He's a son without a father and I cannot judge him for feeling the way he feels. The only thing I can truly do is to walk over to him, sit down next to him and hold his hand tightly.
"We will have them back," I tell him, even if I am not certain of it. Sometimes, you just need to pretend. "And your father will be avenged. Once it is all over, we have a peaceful life to look forward to."
"Come with me," he tells me as he stands up and offers me his hand. "I want to show you something."
"What?" I ask, apprehensive.
"You will see."
"Robb, you know I do not deal well with the unexpected," I sigh. "Do I need to remind you of our second wedding?" I ask him, raising my eyebrow as he laughs at me.
"Can you ever just follow me without a passing comment?" he asks. Half insulted, half intrigued, I stand up and I let him drag me by the hand. Not before he stopped and ordered me to put on a wool cloak. Because of the added cloak, I was not surprised when he led me outside; no one looked twice at us. I imagine that seeing us holding hands was less of a shock after the greeting he received last night. I was not too surprised when he ordered the gates to be opened up and when he led us outside the walls.
I was following him and surprisingly enough, we headed for the woods again.
"Why are you so silent?" he asks me.
"Well, did you not complain about my comments?" I ask, batting my eyes a bit too fast when he turned around to give me a look; I know how to act innocent when I have to.
"You have made a habit out of teasing me, haven't you?"
"Is that bothering you as well?" I ask, making him roar with laughter. "Oh Robb, no matter what I do, you still find something to complain about."
"So do you."
"Well, I really don't like surprises."
"I told you once I would show you my favorite place in Winterfell. Well, I'm going to show it to you now," he tells me. It takes me a moment to remember that he told me that in one of his letters. "If you want to see it, that is," he adds, just to prove that he can tease me as well.
"Lead the way," I shrug, pretending as if I am not as interested as I actually am. The only time that I have actually been out the walls was when I wanted to see the rebuild from the outside. And when I left Winterfell, twice. Never before did I go out and simply explore. And in all honesty, there wasn't much for me to see. It's just… trees and grass and a thin layer of snow on the ground. Woods in Winterfell are no greener or taller than the ones in the South. Woods are woods.
It was not as close to the walls as I thought originally. Still, I make an effort to not say a single word to him as I follow him around. Finally, he stops and I stop behind him.
"Well, here we are!" he announces, looking around. I do the same. Trees, the same as the ones we had past. No snow was on the ground here, not in the circle we were standing in. I realize that it is a bit warmer than it was before and seeing the water in front of me, I realize why; I see the steam above the… pond? It is too small to be a lake. "So? Do you like it?" Robb asks, looking eagerly at me. Now, how do I say to him that this is nothing special?
"I suppose so," I say, smiling at him. "It's… nice." I tell him.
I am sure Winterfell has better to offer. Although it is not something I would say out loud, I have seen a lot of Westeros. And I did see more beautiful places than the one we are in right now. It is nice and very… woodsy, but I do not see what is so special about it.
"It is prettier at night," he tells me, defending his favorite location. "The water is always very warm, you can swim in it all the time, winter or summer, day or night. At night, with the stars above you, it's nicer."
"You can actually see the stars from all the trees?" I ask, looking up at the sky.
"You will appreciate it more when you see it at night."
"Perhaps, but… perhaps." I say, not wanting to say that it is so… normal. Robb started laughing at me.
"I forgot I married a bloody Southern girl," he laughs. "If it is not sunny and shiny, you are not impressed?" he asks, raising his eyebrows.
"Bite your tongue, Stark," I snap, more irritated than I should be. "The North is growing on me."
"Is it now?" he asks as a smirk appears on his face.
"Yes, little by little." I say, not sure if we were talking about the North or about him. He makes it even more confusing when he decides to kiss me.
This one was far more passionate than those we shared since he returned. I was accepting what he was offering, but it all culminated in a surprising and slightly painful manner.
"You do know that you do not have to actually sweep someone of their feet, right?" I ask, looking up at him. Of course, he was laughing loudly; if I was closer to him, I imagine I would see tears in his eyes. I was lying on my back, so I had no chance of seeing his reaction in detail. I stumbled because of him.
"Are you alright?" he asks me once he finally stopped laughing and realized that I was still lying on the ground. I nod, which he took as a sign that he was allowed to laugh at me again. Knowing that there was no stopping him and that he would probably never forget about this, I join in on the laughter.
"It appears that I have forgotten how to kiss you. "
"You haven't, no need to worry," I reassure him as he gets down on the ground and lies right next to me; I turn around to face him as his hands reach my face. "Your kisses are quite… satisfactory."
I expected another comment, another joke on my expense, but all I got was a kiss. And I did not complain.
The lake kept the ground quite warm, which explains the lack of snow in a perfect circle around us. It also gave us no good reason to stand up. I cannot say how long we stayed there, for how long he was kissing me. It felt too nice for me to think about anything else whilst doing it.
When he pulls away, he does not go too far. He is still lying next to me, playing with my hair, looking at my face. I did not want to break this spell, whatever this spell was, but I had a natural talent for that.
"Why are you here?" I ask.
"You know that." He tells me, still focusing on my hair and not on my eyes.
"You know as well as I do that anyone could have gotten this job done," I shake my head. It might have been enough when he said it the first time, but I had time to think about it. "Why are you really here?"
"I told you that I missed my family," he sighs, finally looking directly at me. "I have missed them. I have missed you. And I wanted to be the one that has to deal with the Greyjoys. When I received the letter from my mother, it only made my decision stronger." He tells me. And my heart dropped.
"What letter?" I ask, with a feeling that I might already know the answer to that.
"She told me," he confirms it. I jump into a seated position at once, leaving his hands hanging onto thin air. "She did it for you."
"She had no right to do so!" I snap in response. "Your mother and your sister really should learn how to respect other people and their privacy."
"She did it because she knew you would never tell me about it yourself." He defends her.
"And did you ever consider that is because I do not want you to know?" I ask, turning my head to look at him. He looked as worried as I felt angry. I should have known it. I did not even suspect, it never even crossed my mind that Catelyn could do that. Now that I know she did, it makes perfect sense. No matter how much she grows to like me, or even love me, as she said, she will always choose her son.
"And why didn't you want me to know it?" he asks me. I wonder if he is stupid or simply oblivious.
"Because I have failed, Robb!" I snap as he sits up. He tries to put a comforting hand around me, but I move away from him. "I had only one job to do, only one single job, since the day I became a Stark, and I am yet to do it. When I thought I was with child, I was so… happy. I was relieved and happy and I wanted to tell you about it at once. And when I lost it… you are the last person that should know about that."
"Maester Luwin says it was probably not a miscarriage."
"Oh, and both you and Maester Luwin had plenty of those, so you should know?" I take a deep breath, not wanting to shout at him anymore. "Why are you talking with them about me behind my back?"
"Because if my wife won't tell me, I need to hear it from someone!" he shouts.
"Is that really something you want to hear?! Is it? Very well, listen carefully. My mother had stillborn children and miscarriages; I stopped counting how many once I needed my other hand to count them. You cannot even begin to imagine how that failure feels like. And even if it wasn't a miscarriage, it is still a pretty strong slap in the face. Are you aware that I might not be able to give you child or are you just pretending? What are we to do then? What if I never give you a child? Then what?" I snap.
"Then… nothing." He sighs.
"Yes, because it is not like our whole ruling depends on my ability to give birth."
"It doesn't," he shakes his head. I was too angry to feel annoyed as well. "If we can't have a child…"
"Then what? Then what, Robb?"
"Then we rule together," he tells me. "And when we die, Jon can take over. Or Shireen. Or both."
"If I cannot give you a child, then why not simply annul this marriage under some false excuse and find another to do so?"
"Are you truly asking me that?"
"Yes."
"Can't you see the reason?"
"No, I obviously can't."
"And here I thought it was obvious," he laughs. Angry at his laughter, I want to attack him again, but he speaks up before I have a chance to. "Because I am in love with you. Call me insane if you want to, but I would rather live out my life alone with you than to have a child with another."
"You have no idea what you are saying." I shake my head, feeling my heart speeding up. No. Not a chance. He does not even know what he is talking about.
"Oh, I don't?" he asks. Now, he was the one who was angry. "When I married you, I was happy to find out that you were smart and charming. And I thought, perhaps, one day, we can make it work. I may not love her, I may not be in love with her, but I will respect her and like her and that will be enough. I did not expect you to get under my skin, certainly not as fast as you did. I dream of you, almost every bloody night. I wish I dreamt of making love to you, I wish it is as simple as that. But no, I dream of your bloody laughter, only to wake up all bitter when I realize that I will not hear it in person and that by the next time I hear it, I might even forget the sound of it. You do not get to tell me how I feel, Sophia. You do not get to tell me that I am angry or hurt at you not being with child, because I am not. You do not get to tell me that I should not have returned to Winterfell, to speak to you about this and to reassure you that it does not matter. You do not get to tell me if I should marry another or not, you do not get to tell me if I am allowed to not have a child and stay with you. You do not get to tell me that that is stupid and wrong because in no way do I see my marriage with you being wrong. I want a child with you. I want ten of them. And if we cannot have them, I will… I will be sad and angry, but not at you. You do not get to tell me who I should direct my anger to and what I should do about it. And you sure as hell do not get to tell me that I am not in love with you, because I bloody well am!"
I could not form a coherent thought, not a single one. I could not even speak. I just jumped at him and kissed him, more ardent than ever before.
Well, if by any chance I DON'T update before my holiday, at least this is a good one to leave you with :)