Chapter Thirty Five

"I don't think I'm going to get used to being in the ring again," I said to Nattie as I made my way towards the gorilla position. I'd bumped into her a few corridors ago and she'd decided to tag along so we could chat. I don't know if it was more of a surprise that those words had come out of my mouth, or that there was such a significant amount of truth to them. I remembered vividly the days when I was wrestling significant matches three or four days out of the week, and these days I'd be lucky if they threw me into a random group match alongside the other divas. Actually, I think the biggest surprise out of all of this was how much I didn't mind. I still got to travel, interact with the fans, and wrestle on occasion, but my life was about so much more these days, wrestling just wasn't the most important thing in my life these days, and I think I'd made peace with that.

"Come on, you've been in the ring a few times lately."

"Yeah, tag team matches mostly. I can't remember the last time I had a singles match."

"Well you do tonight, and it's going to feel great out there, I just know it. Have fun," she said, patting me on the back as my music sounded throughout the arena and I stepped out onto the ramp to a chorus of cheers from the crowd.

I was competing in my first singles match in a long time against the current divas champion, AJ. It was a non-title match, but that didn't bother me. Maybe I was starting to move on a little bit from wrestling, but that didn't mean that I didn't feel that same excitement when I stepped in that ring. I'd always pushed myself and made sure I excelled at whatever I did, so anytime I stepped in that ring, I still felt like I had something to prove to myself. It was a good match. AJ and I did well together, and it went on for a good seven minutes and the crowd stayed with us the whole time. I won the match, which made the situation that much better. It was just like riding a bike. The atmosphere out there, and that feeling you get when you're doing something you love… there aren't words to describe it. And after all these years, and everything that had happened since and the other endeavours I found myself pursuing these days, the fact that I could still have moments like this was truly amazing. I was so thankful for the life that I was allowed to live …I couldn't have gotten luckier.

I was practically skipping through the backstage area, on such a high, I ran into Randy who'd been occupying a TV screen backstage. I didn't physically run into him, but I came across him too late to duck into a nearby room because he saw me before I'd seen him. I was fully intending on continuing past him, but he stopped me.

"You did good out there," he said.

I narrowed my eyes, "Oh wow, you're in a pleasant mood, I wonder how long that's going to last."

I couldn't help it, I was still too angry about the stunt he'd pulled in Little Rock. I mean getting thrown in jail of all things!

"I was just trying to be friendly."

"I don't need you to be friendly, Randy. So stop trying. How about you do everyone a favor and focus a little less on what I'm doing, and put a little more effort into dislodging your head from your ass. Everyone in your life deserves a lot better from you than you've been giving them." The mature part of me was groaning on the inside after that one.

He glared down at me, "Does that include you?"

"No, it doesn't include me. Like I said, we're done, at least as long as you're this Randy. The one who flies off the handle without thinking things through. He's dangerous, and I don't have room in my life for him. I meant your mom, Becky, Nate, your Dad, all of your friends here – you owe them."

"Would you stow the self-righteous shit? You walk around acting as if you're so much better off, as if you've moved on and you don't have a care in the world, but you wouldn't be standing here talking to me if we were done. You are just as bitter as I am and that's evident in the way that you're looking at me. So like I said, stow the self-righteousness, after all these years, it's gotten quite old."

I scoffed and shook my head in disgust, "You know what Randy, you're right, I do have my flaws. But unlike you, at least I can admit them. Ugh! How is it that you have such a knack for taking my good mood and turning it completely upside down? After so many years of unconditional love and respect, when the hell did we become these people again?!" I stormed away from him.

"Probably the same time you move to Florida!" he snarled after me.

I whirled back around to face him with every intention of finding something to throw at my head, but then I took in the few people who were standing nearby and in what I personally felt was an immense moment of maturity – that I should be applauded for – I turned and walked away.

I knew that I should be used to this, the negative banter we seemed to find ourselves engaging in almost any time we were near each other, but I still couldn't believe we'd become these people again. Couldn't believe that our relationship had fallen so far we were constantly at each other's throats. I was starting to lose hope we could ever treat each other with the same respect we once did, and I couldn't help but acknowledge my own hand in that. Hadn't all of this started with a lie? A lie of admission. But the problem wasn't just Randy and I. It was Nick too. Because deep down, or well not so deep down that I couldn't openly admit it to myself, I knew that I still wished I'd been honest with Randy from the beginning.

-X-

"We should have came straight here right after leaving the arena," Nicole said as she pushed open her front door and ushered us inside.

"Okay the karaoke was a bust, but the sushi before that was excellent so I have no complaints," Eva said.

John came around the corner as we were taking our shoes off and hanging up our jackets and pulled Nicole into his arms, "Hey, I didn't expect you back so soon."

"They cancelled karaoke night," she pouted and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

He chuckled, "I'm pretty sure they took one look at all of you and decided to do the public a kindness," he teased.

We all shuffled into the main living area where several of the other superstars were occupying different pieces of furniture all over the place. There was music playing in the background, a football game on the TV and drinks and snacks all over the place. I'd been to Nicole's home a few times already since John had purchased it for them. It was a great place, not too big, not too small and I knew she loved having a place to live in San Diego nice and close to the rest of her family.

I was heading towards the kitchen to grab a bottle of water when I saw Randy sitting in a chair in the living room. He was staring at me with his eyes narrowed. I rolled my own and swore loudly, would I never be able to escape this man?

Of course Nicole noticed him not long after I did.

"Uh John? Why is Randy here?" she hissed in his ear.

"Because I invited him…" he said as if that should be obvious. "Come on! I had no idea you guys were going to be coming back here. We're all adults, aren't we?"

I rested a hand on his forearm and smiled, "Yeah we are, honestly its fine."

And honestly it was fine, for the first little while at least. We stayed on opposite sides of the house, socialized with different people, but it was when we formed a group to play poker that things went downhill.

Unlike myself, it didn't bother Randy one way or another if he caused a scene in public. Like usual lately, he seemed to have a few too many drinks and decided to start making disparaging remarks about Nick. At first it started out as offhand comments, words disguised as something else that I knew were directed at me. But then he started making outright remarks about the kind of guy he assumed Nick to be, and how he had no respect for men who went after happily married women. After the first hour I'd had enough, and threw my cards down so I could go out onto the patio to get away from him. Trinity was out there with John.

"You okay, Micks?" she asked.

I nodded my head and smiled, "Yeah I'm great, I just needed some fresh air. Sorry to disturb you."

"Don't be ridiculous, it's big enough for all of us. Anyway we were about to head out actually, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, drive safe, okay? See you guys in a few days, yeah?"

They both said goodbye and then headed back inside, leaving me with the patio to myself. It was nice, or at least it would have been had I been able to clear my mind, but I just couldn't seem to get Randy off my mind these days no matter how hard I tried. He was slowly and effectively worming his way back into my life and it wasn't in a good way.

I thought back to even just a couple of months ago when I'd thought I had my life back on the right track. Maybe it hadn't been the case, obviously it hadn't been the case considering my current situation, but I missed just having that frame of mind. All I seemed to feel these days were anger, and sadness and an immense amount of confusion. I didn't like to sit around and stew in my own self-pity (though for some reason Phil seemed to think otherwise) but good lord, would it kill someone to send me an answer every now and then? Maybe just a hint, even that would be helpful.

Sadly the only action that came my way just then was Randy joining me out on the patio. I didn't even give him a chance to say anything.

"You have no right to be jealous!" I hissed, " Do you think you're the only one who gets to move on?! I watched and suffered through your relationship with Vanessa, and I dealt with it! With class, and grace! I didn't make horrible remarks about her when she wasn't around to defend herself. God your violent outbursts and your cynicism and selfishness, it really gets old!"

"I don't want to lose you, Mickie…"

His words stunned me into silence. I literally counted the seconds that ticked by while I tried to understand his words.

"I can't believe that this is where you want to be, that you're done with our marriage either. I don't know what you think you have with him, but I know that it could never compare to what we have, Mickie, and I know that you know that too, even if you don't want to admit it. We've made a mess of things, we both have, but maybe we needed this–"

Suddenly my anger doubled twofold and I couldn't listen to him anymore, "How dare you! How dare you come waltzing back into my life, which I have finally managed to get back on track after you derailed it, and act like you still have some claim over me! We are done. We are supposed to have gone our separate ways. You can't just come back into my life when it's convenient for you! You nearly broke me, do you not understand that?! And I'll be damned if I give you the chance to do it again. Damn you!" I shoved him in a fit of anger. "I didn't let go of us. You did. You left! So I have no regrets. You on the other hand, I have a feeling you're going to have to spend the rest of your life with a few of those!" I brushed past him so I could re-enter the house, and hurried through the room of superstars and divas and towards the front door where I snatched up my heels and jacket and bolted out the door.

"Mickie!" Nicole called after me, "Where are you going?"

"Do you seriously have to ask that? What party have you been at the last two hours?"

She closed the distance between us, "Okay, dumb question. You don't have to go, I'll ask Randy to go," she tsked, "Mickie you have got to stop letting him affect you this way. He's doing it on purpose to get a reaction from you. What'd he say this time?"

I opened my mouth to tell her what had just happened but I faltered, suddenly feeling like it wasn't a good idea to tell her, or anyone for that matter. I forced a smile, "Just the usual, really. Look I need to go, I'm tired and clearly I'm not in the party mood."

"How are you going to get anywhere?"

"I'll call a cab."

"At least come and wait inside for it."

I shook my head, "I'm not going back in there. Just …make sure he stays in there until I'm gone. I can't deal with anymore of him tonight."

She nodded, "Okay. But I refuse to be held accountable for my actions when I get back in there and pummel him in the middle of my living room."

I forced a laugh and then she left me there. I called a taxi and was told there would be a ten minute wait, which wouldn't be bad if I had company other than the thoughts swirling through my mind. The fact that he still wanted to be with me wasn't a surprise. I was certain he and I would never completely get over what we had, I mean hadn't I made that much obvious to myself lately?

No, what made me angry was what he expected from me. How could he do this? Maybe I hadn't come as far as I'd thought, but I'd certainly taken some big steps in the right direction. I'd started singing, I'd come to accept the fact that maybe my life in wrestling was over, I had a new relationship that I valued above everything else, and he thinks it's okay to pull this?! I'd always known Randy was selfish, or rather that he had a tendency to be selfish, but this hurt me just as much as it angered me. If you truly loved someone, how could you do this? He left me. It wasn't the other way around. I wasn't innocent, of course I wasn't, but I was the one that had been left with the mess in our home. And now that his new relationship hadn't worked out suddenly he wants to be with me again?! Well screw him, there is absolutely nothing that I can do with that knowledge. Because even if Nick wasn't in the picture, I would never want to be with someone as selfish as this Randy Orton. He'd fallen so far from the person I'd loved over all these years. All I wanted was to move on, was that too much to ask?

I emitted a cry of frustration. Why did it always seem like I was trying to talk myself into letting him go?